Portraits (79 page)

Sensing her need to have him with her, to feel wanted, he gently put his arms around her and kissed her. The kiss became urgent, and Michele found herself responding to his intensity. She needed to obliterate the past and to feel that she too could go forward. Tonight she wanted Richard, and he sensed her unspoken thoughts. When he carried her into the bedroom she made up her mind that Josh would not become a part of this moment. She was here with Richard. She needed him and he made love to her with a passion she had thought she would never know again…

Later, when they lay in each other’s arms, the release she’d found with Richard made her feel more clear-headed and more alive than she’d felt in a long time. Richard was very good for her and she refused to make comparisons. Joshua was out of her life, Richard was
now
.

“Michele…marry me…”

She wanted to wait, but she knew that eventually it would be Richard anyway. Why delay what she’d needed for so long? “Yes…but I want to fly home and have you meet my family. In fact, let’s call my parents now. I want to tell them.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little late?”

“For this, my mother won’t mind.” …

The next few days in the Levin household were spent in preparation for Michele’s homecoming. Doris had the cleaning lady come in, the house was scoured from stem to stern. She cooked and baked for the meals they would share together as if she were preparing for a three-day banquet. As she took a few minutes to sit down and catch her breath, she thought, thank God, if we can just ride out the storm, not give up, we can
survive
…

When she finally saw Michele standing in her foyer with Richard Stein, somehow she knew it was going to be all right.

Later that night, Michele crept into Doris’ bedroom, knowing her mother would still be awake. Listening to Henry’s snoring, Doris slipped out of bed and the two of them went down to the kitchen. Doris fixed a fresh pot of coffee and took out a tin of home-baked cookies. When they sat down at the table they simply looked at each other, remembering all the wonderful secrets and memories they’d shared and all the heartbreak they’d lived through. And somehow, like childbirth, it now seemed to have become merely a part of the past.

“Michele, darling, I have no words.”

Michele laughed. “Gee, mama, for a lady who makes her living with words, that’s one big confession. Don’t let it get around, it could ruin your career.”

“Well, there are some feelings I don’t think anybody can put on paper. You’re really happy, Michele, and your happiness is so important to me.”

“Yes, I really am, mama, and in a very
nice
kind of way. Maybe it takes a lot of growing up, but I think Richard’s helped me. There isn’t the same excitement I had with Josh, but I don’t really want that anymore. I feel so good with him, at ease…”

“Well, these are certainly aspects of love, and who’s to say which parts of love are more important…? Not this lady, I guarantee you.”

“You’re a very smart lady, mama. I’m never going to bring his name up again, but I guess it can’t be avoided. Joshua was my first love but I just couldn’t handle it. I guess if I could, we’d still be married in spite of the lost babies. But in all the months I’ve been seeing Richard, I’ve learned that liking someone very much is almost better than loving someone so much you want to kill yourself over failing him…”

For the first time, Doris was a little uneasy with that rationalization. That’s the way she had felt about Henry, but although her marriage had turned out to be workable, she wanted so much more for her daughter. She could only hope that Michele’s reasons for remarrying were the right ones, that she wasn’t marrying on the rebound or trying to prove anything…

“Michele, dear, I don’t know what you’ve planned, but I’d love to have you married in the rabbi’s study, and then perhaps have a few friends over for a reception at home…”

Michele looked at her mother, then said, “Thank you, darling, but getting married in San Francisco…Richard and I think it’s best to go to Las Vegas.”

“I suppose it was a stupid suggestion, if I stop to think about it.”

“It wasn’t stupid at all. It was exactly what I would have expected from you and I would have loved to have you and papa and Gary. But I know you understand…”

The next morning after breakfast Michele went upstairs to knock on Gary’s door.

“Yeah, who’s there?”

“Your one and only favorite sister.”

“Come right on in, favorite sister.”

Michele smiled broadly at the blond, blue-eyed six-footer. He was going to make some gal mighty happy from the looks of him.

“Boy, I’m glad you came, Michele. Sure have missed you this year.”

“Same here. Gary, I came to talk to you about something very important.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Mama tells me you’re not going with Barbara Levy anymore. How come?”

“I was never
really
going with her. Just took her out—”

“It seems to me you had quite a crush on her, and for a long time.”

“Yeah, well, sixteen isn’t exactly eighteen. My ideas on women have changed.”

“I know, to little
shiksas
.”

“Oh, come on, Michele. You’re not going to start on that, are you? I get enough of it from dad. Besides, just because I’m taking out a non-Jewish girl doesn’t mean anything—”

“True. But on the other hand, what happened to all the Jewish girls you always went with? What’s wrong with them?”

“Look, Michele, you and I have always been close. We could level with each other. So here it is…I’ve come to the conclusion that most Jewish girls are spoiled rotten and want things their own way.”

“And gentile girls don’t? Besides, what about me…?”

“Come on, Michele, you know it’s
generally
true…I mean about Jewish girls.”

“No, I don’t, Gary. As you say, you’re making a generalization and it just doesn’t hold up. As a matter of fact, I think Jewish girls make damned good wives.”

“Now I
know
you’ve been talking to dad. He thinks every Jewish girl is like mom. But let me tell you, sister, dear, they’re not. Anyway, why are we talking about this? I’m not serious with anybody.”

“In other words, this Robin Baker you’re seeing is just a date?”

“Just a date, Michele, believe me. When I get married, which isn’t going to be for a long time, she’ll be Jewish, honest Injun.”

“I hope so, Gary. God knows, it would be a blow to the folks if you didn’t. They’ve had one disappointment with me already…”

“They were pretty cut up about it, but they don’t think you were a disappointment. Anyway, Michele, you’ve got to marry the person you love, don’t you?”

“I can’t argue with that, Gary, and I won’t.”

“Good…Now I just have to get dad off my back about my so-called future profession…”

“Why?”

“He thinks if you’re not a doctor, you’re nothing. But I don’t want to be a doctor.”

“You still want to be an engineer?”

“You know I’ve always wanted to be. But it’s a battle royal with dad. He’s just hell-bent on having Doctors Levin and Levin on that door, and I’ll be damned if I understand it. He’s never qualified for any Nobel prizes, and if it wasn’t for mom the living wouldn’t be so easy—”

“I’m in your corner there…I think you should be what you want.”

“Yeah, but when dad goes off on one of his tangents and begins arguing the merits of the medical profession, he’s tough to convince. He’s got an obsession about this.”

“Well, Gary, you just stand tough…not that I’m one to give advice…”

“Never mind…that’s exactly what I intend to do. And, Michele…congratulations, I think you’ve got one great guy.”

T
HE FOLLOWING WEEKEND
Michele and Richard were married by a rabbi in Las Vegas. Michele wore a lime-green silk shift, and as she stood in front of the rabbi she found herself recalling the white satin gown, the magnificent long veil with the Juliet cap, the pink going-away suit…But the recollections was wiped from her mind when Richard took her in his arms and held her. “We’re going to have a long life together, Michele. And I want to spend it making you happy…” Josh, God help her, had said the same thing…

When they returned to Los Angeles they moved into Richard’s house in Encino. Every nook and cranny had been designed by Richard. There were four bedrooms and a den, and a combination livingroom-diningroom that looked out to the pool site. It seemed there wasn’t an electrical invention known to man that Richard had missed. If you pressed a button the record player started, press another and the bed revolved for a full view of the pool, another button and the TV went on…

She thought it was one of the most incredible houses she’d ever seen—but she didn’t like it. It just seemed to go on for miles, and the brown suede walls, the leather and corduroy furniture made it so masculine that she wondered what she was going to do with her little French pieces, for example. But Richard always had a solution. He converted one of the bedrooms into a sittingroom and put her furniture in it so that she could feel more at ease among her own things.

For months it seemed that their life was one continuous round of parties. She’d never known people quite like Richard’s so-called friends, but maybe she was just having trouble getting accustomed to the Encino scene? There were barbecues and the swimming parties every weekend. And no one ever had to ask, “Tennis anyone?” That was a Sunday morning must.

Michele knew that it should have been exciting to her, but truthfully it wasn’t. Somehow it all seemed too…superficial, and everybody seemed stamped out of pretty much the same mold. The girls took their shopping seriously, and conversations were mostly about who wore what to whose party. Still, she reminded herself, as a successful architect he needed the contacts, and as his wife she had to play the social game.

Richard’s newest project meant frequent trips to Scottsdale, Arizona, and between all the parties and the travel it seemed their life was in a constant uproar. The only times that seemed to bring a semblance of stability and sanity into her life were those occasional weeks when her mother would come down, but since she was writing more furiously than ever now it wasn’t as often as Michele would have liked…

Six months…half a year of whirlwind living. Finally, not wanting to carp but…Michele said to Richard, “Darling, I feel as if I’m spending my life as window-dressing. Would you mind if I took a job?”

“I guess I would, Michele. I’m sort of old-fashioned about some things—”

“Well, is there anything I could do around the office to help you out?”

“Sweetheart, please…just be the lady in my life.”

“The lady? What about the woman…?”

Over the next three months Michele became so weary of her shallow women friends and the exotic parties that she found herself retreating from the forced gaiety and standing in corners with a glass of vodka in her hand. And more and more often, Richard would say to her, “Darling, I really think you’ve had enough.” Which echoed menacingly to her of another time, another place…

As time went on she found herself almost avoiding Richard at the functions they went to, and lately she had begun to develop migraine headaches. She also had periods of deep depression but she fought them as best she could so Richard would not suspect her unhappiness. And for a time he hadn’t noticed, because she always made it a point to be buoyant, radiant, fortified with vodka and an occasional upper by the time he came home. But then she couldn’t sleep, and so she took a Seconal…

One night, though, Richard came home to find her sprawled across the bed too drunk to reply when he said her name. When she woke up later that evening, she could no longer deny the thought that this was a continuation of the pattern she’d had with Josh. But at least then she’d had some reason…she’d lost two children. What was happening to her now? Why couldn’t she adjust to
this
new life? She had everything a woman could possibly want, yet she was, face it, desperately unhappy.

Late that evening she went in to the library and found an equally unhappy Richard.

“What’s wrong with us, Richard?”

“I don’t think anything is wrong with me. But, baby, I think you’ve got a lot of problems. Just exactly what do you want, Michele? What did you think your life was going to be like with me?”

“All I wanted was someone I had a deep affection for and wanted to be with, hopefully all my life. I really didn’t know it was going to turn into a circus—”

“Well, we went to enough parties before we were married.”

“Yes, but I didn’t know that was going to be the centerpiece of our life. Do you realize, Richard, we’ve been married over a year and I don’t think we’ve had an evening alone?”

“That’s not the problem, Michele.”

“Well, maybe not entirely, but it’s a big part of it.”

“What’s the rest?”

“I feel like a parasite, so
unnecessary
. I’m just not doing anything constructive. I asked you to let me take a job, and I’d still like to go to work—”

“And you think that would solve the problem? Let me tell you what I think the problem is, Michele. I knew it before we got married, but I foolishly hoped it would change.”

“What’s that, Richard?”

“You’re still in love with your ex-husband,
plus
you’re still playing the part of the bereaved mother.”

She was stunned. “That’s cruel…I haven’t heard you say that
you
wanted a family. That might mean settling down for you, wouldn’t it, Richard?”

“To be quite honest, no, I don’t want a family, but that’s not the point. The point is that you’re still living in the past and you can’t put up with realities or make the compromises we all have to make. I wouldn’t have married you if I hadn’t thought it was going to succeed. But then, I’m not a soothsayer, so I couldn’t predict you weren’t going to be happy living my kind of life, even now that you’ve had two years to adjust to it…You’ll never be happy with me because you want something I can’t give you. You want me to be somebody I’m not—namely, Joshua. So I think before we really sour on each other we had better call it quits—”