Portraits (74 page)

“Well, for the last few weeks mama’s been pretty sick…I admit I didn’t take it too seriously at first, but… the doctor was here and she’s going to be operated on…”

“Oh, my God. Look, papa, you want me to come and get you?”

“No, I’ll pick you up.”

“All right, I’ll be waiting.”

Dan was awake now. “What’s wrong, darling?”

“It’s my mother, she’s going to be operated on—”

“I’ll go with you.”

“No, darling, we can’t leave the children alone and I have no idea when I’ll be home. Please get the girls ready for school in the morning. Mama’s at Stanford. I’ll be in touch with you later.”

Suddenly she began to cry, and Dan took her in his arms.

“It’s strange, I can’t remember any of the bad times at all…I just hope that…” She couldn’t finish the sentence.

Lillian and Jacob waited in the hall as Sara was being prepared for surgery. Her nurse summoned Lillian. “Your mother’s asking for you.”

Swallowing hard, running her hand over her dry lips, she walked into the room. Taking Sara’s hand in hers, she bent over her mother. “Yes, mama?”

“Lillian, if anything happens to me, take care of papa. He’s not as strong a man as you think he is—or as he thinks he is.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to you, mama.”

“Promise me, Lillian.”

“I promise, mama—”

Lillian stayed until the injection took effect, then went out in the hall and waited with her father. It was nine hours before Sara was wheeled back to her room.

Both Lillian and her father were exhausted when he dropped her off at her home. The house was terribly quiet. The girls were at school and Dan was at the store. Lillian took two aspirin, walked into the kitchen and prepared a cup of coffee. As she sat drinking it, the yellow phone on the wall kept staring back at her. Finally she got up and dialed.

When she heard Doris say hello, she almost wanted to hang up. Her guilt for neglecting Doris came flooding back over her. “Doris…it’s good hearing your voice.”

“Thank you…It’s been a long time, Lillian. How are you?”

“How am I…well, a great deal has happened since we last saw each other.”

Doris really hadn’t needed to be reminded. “How are things with you, Lillian?”

“They could be better…I’m sorry I didn’t call when I had really good news to tell you. I’ve remarried…”

“Congratulations—”

“Thank you, I wish that was the only reason I was calling…Mama’s had an operation. It’s serious and I felt it only right to tell you…”

A long pause. “I’m sure you mean well, but I honestly wish you hadn’t called. I think it’s a little cruel. Now that you’ve told me, what do you propose I should do?”

“I guess I’m just not thinking right, but somehow I thought you should know, would want to—”

“I’m sorry mama’s sick and I hope with the help of God she’ll recover. Much more than that, I can’t say.” Yes, Doris wished she were a saint, had no feelings…but being human, it just seemed impossible to set aside her feelings…she’d been so
used
—and by her own mother…She wondered if Rachel would be contacted and would come rushing to mama’s side…

After she’d hung up Lillian realized it had indeed been cruel to involve Doris in their lives after what they’d done to her. She just wasn’t thinking. Even if Doris had come to the hospital, the residue of papa’s feelings would have surfaced, and chances were that there would have been a confrontation. His feelings for Doris were never going to change.

But damn it, Rachel’s feelings shouldn’t be so sacred. Lillian picked up the phone and called Rachel’s apartment, only to be told that she was in La Paz, Mexico. “This is an emergency and I have to get in touch with my sister. Would you be kind enough to tell me where they are?”

After Lillian was told, she placed the call to La Paz. Rachel was not available at the moment, but when she returned the message would be given to her. How nice…

She called Dan, took a bath, changed clothes and was almost out the front door to pick up Jacob when the phone rang. Her heart pounded—it was either Rachel, or the hospital. She yanked the receiver off the hook. “Yes?”

“Lillian?”

“I’m sorry, Rachel, but I’m calling to tell you that mama is seriously ill.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that Lillian. How seriously?”

“Well, how serious is serious? I just got through telling you. She had surgery and she’s not out of the woods yet. As a member of the family, I thought you might like to know.”

The strain in Lillian’s voice was apparent, as was the edge. “I’ll be there as soon as I can get a plane.”

“I think that’s very decent of you. I’ll see you when you get here.” …

As Lillian sat in the hall with her father she said, “Papa, I called Rachel and she’ll be here as soon as possible. She’s flying from Mexico.”

He reached for the handkerchief in his back pocket and wiped his eyes. But the images, and sounds, of the past persisted…pushcarts being rolled over cobblestone, vendors hawking their wares on Hester Street, a kosher restaurant on Rivington, a little boy by the name of Shlomo, a sister Gittel…“push harder, Gittel, hold on, Gittel…” A six-year-old blonde, blue-eyed little girl holding his hand on a hot summer night…charlotte russe, ten cents…The pain he was feeling was so acute, so personal, that he got up and walked to the end of the corridor and stood looking out to the lawns beyond.

And suddenly, breaking through, was his relationship with Gloria…another selfish indulgence he’d neatly rationalized. He’d help her, provide for her any way he could, but he was through. He’d been using her, as he’d used so many others…

Jacob was a frightened man. He had never been able to reveal his weaknesses to others, or to himself. Sara had seen it, and now her illness brought to the surface things that no longer could be pushed aside. He missed Shlomo terribly, and the pain of his death, of being told that his brother didn’t want to see him, was still acute. And Gittel? Gittel was an old lady who cared for Hershel, and Jacob sent her a check each month to compensate for his neglect of them. When Shlomo died Esther could no longer face life and willed herself to death. The Hebrew Home for the Aged—it was a sight never to be forgotten. To end one’s days in such a place…And now with Sara’s illness, his greatest fear was that he would end
his
life alone, shut away without a soul to mourn him. He had lived too much of his life without love. Would it end that way…?

At four o’clock the next afternoon Rachel walked down the corridor toward her father and sister. She caught her breath when she looked at papa…My God, he’d aged so. She threw her arms around him. “Papa…why does it take tragedies for people to come together?”

“I don’t know, Rachel. I don’t seem to know the answer to too many things today.”

And then she embraced Lillian. “Thank you for calling…”

Lillian could only nod and force a smile…

That night Rachel stayed with Jacob, and Lillian went over to join them after spending a little time with Dan and the children. There was a chill that seemed to permeate the very walls.

After Jacob excused himself and went to bed, Lillian and Rachel talked. “Why didn’t you let me know that you got married, Lillian?”

“Would you have cared?”

“Lillian, I know you’re angry, so I’m going to ignore that remark. Of course, I would have cared.”

“Well, I’d never have guessed it from your actions. There’s no debate that you were right not to let mama dominate your life. I don’t think anybody can blame you for that. But for God’s sake, Rachel, you’ve removed yourself so totally from all of us that we’re strangers. I know you live in a different world from any of us, that we can’t have a kaffee klatsch, but you might at least have tried to keep in touch. You never seemed to want anything to do with us even when we were growing up. You haven’t really changed, Rachel, not really…”

“But you have, Lillian.”

“Well, I think the things that have happened to me would have changed anybody…Anyway, I suppose when all is said and done, you’ve got your life and you’re entitled. The one who really breaks my heart is Doris. Boy, if you think you had it bad—well, the Lord made it all up to you, Rachel. But poor Doris didn’t even have to try to get rid of the family, the family got rid of her. And she’s left paying for everybody else’s sins…”

“You make me feel like a heel—”

“The truth may hurt. So you don’t like mama and papa, but Doris and I are your sisters. How come you never thought it important to be in touch with us?”

“I’m not sure…I guess my life just changed without my realizing it. It’s not a great excuse, but it’s the only one I can come up with…”

“Well, at least that’s honest…you should call Doris.”

“I will…”

“Well, it’s been a long day and I think we ought to get a little sleep. I’m going home, I’ll see you in the morning.” Lillian paused at the door and looked at Rachel. “I have to say one thing for you, age certainly hasn’t been too unkind to you. You’re as beautiful as ever, Rachel.”

“And you are
more
beautiful than ever.” …

Gradually, Sara began a slow recuperation. If there had been an unkind word between her and Jacob in the past, now no one would ever imagine that he was anything less than the most loving and adoring of husbands. His only concern now was that Sara should survive.

For three months Sara was indulged and pampered. The cost of the private nurses was the least of Jacob’s concerns. He saw to it that special food was brought to her, as well as her own linen and towels. By the time the doctor began to talk of discharging her, she dreaded leaving the hospital. She had never felt so loved and protected as she had during these last three months. And for the first time ever, Jacob really seemed to need her.

It was enough to make her believe in miracles…

D
URING THE MOST CRITICAL
time in history, when the civilized world was being threatened with Fascism, Doris’ life seemed to be the most secure. Henry’s practice was at its best, allowing him to support his family in a most comfortable lifestyle. They lived in a lovely home, entertained graciously. Doris’ life appeared to have a sense of permanence and security. Still, when it came to buying things for herself, she thought twice before indulging herself…even old habits died hard. She continued to look for bargains, watched the sales. To others, though, she was more than generous. One of the joys of her life was indulging her children. Although she was not able to give them great luxuries, she was inclined to look the other way when the price of a cashmere sweater, or a Schwinn bicycle for Chanukah, was more than she knew she should have spent.

Her life centered around her children, but she was careful not to believe she possessed them. True to her promise that long ago day in the park, she maintained the attitude that they were gifts, to be cherished and enjoyed. She did not expect perfection from them and was grateful that they had developed as two well-adjusted and delightful teen-agers. She was a mother who tried to understand the needs of her children and the importance of allowing them to express themselves. She trusted them, and, not surprisingly, they adored her.

She had made it a point not to confuse her childhood with Michele’s, but there was, nonetheless, a tremendous gratification that Michele was the kind of normal adolescent who dated and talked on the phone for hours about all the things girls talked about. Gary was a popular boy. Doris was terribly proud and happy for her children.

And then, just as Doris was beginning to feel her life was moving forward, the bombs of Nagasaki and Hiroshima not only ended a war, but also Henry’s success. The patients he had acquired gradually began going back to their former doctors. His practice had somehow never developed on its own, and his earnings began to diminish. Once again Doris had the old fears, could see her lifestyle being taken away…what to do? She would supplement Henry’s income, she would try out her Godgiven talent, such as it was…She would get off her duff and pick up her pen and start to write…

She hardly met with any national acclaim, but if she was anything, she was prolific and hard-working. Her financial needs spurred her on to keep submitting her work in spite of numerous rejections, and gradually she began to sell to some small magazines. The turning point came when she received a letter from a national women’s magazine saying that a serial she had submitted had been accepted. Her joy was far greater than the revenue, but it did help to pay the taxes on the house. She felt wonderful.

Henry had suggested that they sell the house, but this time Doris refused. She knew what would happen. The money they’d get from the sale of the house would gradually disappear and soon she’d find herself moving from one place to another. At any cost, she was going to stay in the house in Seacliff. She continued with her chores during the day, wrote in every free moment and far into the night. If she couldn’t have anything else, she was going to live with dignity in her life.

There were other ways Doris changed during this period. In order to salvage her self-esteem, she dieted until she found herself with a slender, attractive figure. Her exceptionally green eyes had become more expressive with time, and she’d had her hair straightened. In fact, a complete metamorphosis had taken place. She began to believe in the beauty Henry had always seen in her, and she had acquired a natural elegance and ease. Her hair had turned prematurely gray with light streaks of silver, and instead of making her look older it only added to her beauty. Now she had the ability to wear an inexpensive dress with such flair that her friends were under the impression that she dressed rather extravagantly. But if she was more aware of herself now, it was not a matter of conceit or vanity. Fat Doris had simply begun to take charge of her life instead of eating it away…

The years after the war were an uphill battle for the Levins, but with Doris’ contribution to their income they managed to get by without changing the way they lived in any substantial way.

It was 1952 now, and Michele had grown into a beautiful young woman who everyone said was even prettier than Elizabeth Taylor. In truth, the resemblance was very strong. At eighteen, she was seriously dating a young attorney whose law firm had been established long ago by his grandfather, and now they were planning to get married. Joshua Wolf was everything Doris could want in a son-in-law.