Pole Position (26 page)

Anita grabbed my shirtfront. “You are going to listen to me, damn you.”

I took a breath. Glanced at my watch and looked suitably bored. “Go on then. It won’t make any difference.”

“These pictures, this is just smoke and mirrors. Two photographs taken out of all context. They’re meaningless.”

I pretended to yawn. “Where have I heard this before? Oh yeah. I remember Susie making a very similar speech.”

“I can prove what I mean.” She ran off upstairs again.

I cracked open the first bottle of whisky and poured myself a hefty measure with shaking hands. Within moments, she returned, brandishing a newspaper.

“Here, look at this story. It’s the Daily Comet talking about your interview, how you’re getting back with your wife. And showing lots of pictures of you with other women, me and Colette included.” She threw the paper at me.

I opened it, curious, despite my fury. I scanned the page, puzzled as to where they’d gotten all the pictures. As for the story, well it was rubbish. But that was incidental.

I shrugged. “Your point being?”

She took a breath, and moderated her voice. “My point being that this is another example of smoke and mirrors. Innocent pictures shown out of context.”

“So what?”

“So, I read this, and after the initial shock, I thought about it. I
trusted
you, Jon, like you asked. I trusted that this was just rubbish, something to make you look bad. Am I right?”

I squinted at the photos. “These make me look good actually. Although, I wasn’t staring down Colette’s cleavage. Perhaps I should have. I doubt I’ll get another opportunity.”

“But it’s the same thing, don’t you see?” Her voice rose.

I slammed the paper back onto the table and stood up, stalking over to her, pinning her against the wall. “How is it the same? How can it possibly be the fucking same? My life is littered with women. You
knew
that. My job entails glamorous women at every race, and it goes with the territory. I have my photo taken, they walk away. End of story.”

I pressed closer, I could smell her fear as she stared at me. “Whereas you—sweetheart—you work with this prick. You. Fucking.
Live
. With. Him.” I took a breath. “Even your parents say they expected you to be a couple. You’ve known him since you were in nappies. You just fancied a bit of a go with me before you settled down with him. Well you’re welcome to him. As far as I’m concerned, we’re finished.”

“I
love
you, you idiot. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

I stared her in the face, spoke slowly. “I think it’s a bit late for that, don’t you?”

“
No
. I know you feel something for me too. Why can’t we just talk about this?”

“I thought we were talking.” I stared into her swollen, red eyes. Even after crying, with a tear-blotched face she looked heartbreakingly beautiful.

She reached out to touch me, her fingertips brushing against my cheek. I steeled myself not to move. “Do you want one last fuck for old time’s sake, darling? If you want it rough, I can do rough.”

I’d gone too far. Her face crumpled, and she was as frightened as I’d ever seen her. I swung around, regretting my words, regretting
everything
.

I sat down heavily at the table, poured some more whisky. I needed to blot it all out, every last fucking minute.

If I needed any further confirmation I’d turned into a monster, this was it. Anita’s knees gave way and she slid down the wall, to crouch on the floor and weep. The cats and Maddie gathered round her anxiously. I stared down, barely seeing her.

“
Bitch
.” I snarled. She flinched and carried on weeping, huddling herself into a tighter ball.

Remorse flooded my body. When I was sober again, I’d hate myself for this. I’d add it to the list of things I now hated about myself. It was just as well I didn’t plan on being sober again anytime soon. I poured more whisky, picked up my laptop, stalked into the lounge and resumed my session, adding some loud music to drown any possible noise from the kitchen.

It may have been another form of self-torture, but I wanted to look through the remaining pictures on the CD. There were some more innocent ones, then two of me standing with Colette. The first was a clever picture, skillfully cropped to show just the two of us standing together on a sunny day. You wouldn’t know it was taken at the horse show, it could have been anywhere. I remembered the moment, we’d been watching Anita get her clear round, and we smiled in delight at each other. Because of the height difference, I had to look down to meet her eyes and in this photo, I appeared to be staring down her generous cleavage. In the second, I was hugging her, lifting her off the ground, and again our expressions were of delight.

Hang on, I’d seen these pictures somewhere else. My mind churned slowly. Anita said something about pictures out of context, but no, I couldn’t remember. Over the music, I dimly heard her feet clattering upstairs and a door slamming.

Sighing heavily, I turned my attention back to my email. I’d resisted Susie’s crazy demand all the way along. She’d no need for my ‘Vette, other than to cause me the maximum amount of pain by removing the thing that meant the most to me. I stared blindly at the screen. None of it mattered any more. Losing the ‘Vette was a drop in the ocean compared to what happened tonight. Anita’s betrayal, on top of everything else.

What use was the ‘Vette to me now? I couldn’t even drive.

What had happened to my life? I no longer recognized it. I no longer wanted it like this.

I replied to the lawyers email.

She can have it. I just want a swift end to the farce that was my marriage.

Before I hit
send
, I went back to the kitchen to top up my whisky and saw again the newspaper that Anita had been ranting about. Yes, I remembered now. That’s where I’d seen the pictures of Colette with me, in that stupid feature. It didn’t matter anymore. I went back to my laptop, pressed
send
and toasted my bitch wife with my glass. My vision was too blurred to read anything more on the screen.

All I had left was to prove to myself I could drive that damned car outside, even if it killed me.

And it probably would.

I lay on our bed with the cats as company, and listened to the thumping rock sounds from downstairs. Maddie had defected to Jon’s side again. Every part of my body ached, but for now, my tears had stopped. Was I all cried out?

Those
horrible
pictures, what the hell had Danny been thinking? He knew Jon might see them and get the wrong idea. A voice at the back of my mind chimed in. Perhaps that’s what he wanted? To drive a wedge between us. I knew they hated each other. Danny took every opportunity to slag him off. And yet Danny was insistent he’d still be there for me when Jon had long gone. I didn’t know what to believe.

As I lay there, my mind spinning endlessly over everything that happened today, the front door banged. Then the car door. I sat up, alert. The Jeep engine started, I heard it growl and then roar as Jon gunned the engine, tires scraping on the gravel.

I ran to the window, and watched helpless as he fishtailed out of the parking area. He drove like a madman. He was drunk, badly drunk. I’d seen how much alcohol he’d knocked back, and that was while I was still downstairs. He was in no state to go out in the car. What the hell should I do?
God
. The roads were so narrow, the drops over the cliff edges so accessible.

I closed my eyes in horror. Did I call the police? They’d respond quickly, but he’d be in such serious trouble, he’d probably lose his license. It would end his career. Another voice whispered,
If he can’t drive any more, he can’t go into Formula 1
.

I could keep him safe.

No
. I wouldn’t do that to him. Despite what he obviously thought of me now, I still loved him. I wanted him to be happy, even if he was no longer mine.

What else could I do? There were no other cars here. There was nobody I could call for help. Or was there?

Kate and Jordan. I barely knew them, but they were local and my only hope. Kate had given me her number. It seemed an age before she answered, sounding delighted to hear from me.

“Anita. You won’t believe this. I was just suggesting we give you a call to see if you want to come over again, before you go home at the weekend.”

I took a deep breath. I’d no idea what to say to her. “Please Kate, I need your help. Is Jordan there with you?”

“Yes, of course.” She had to hear the urgency in my voice. Moments later, the phone clicked and hissed slightly, and she spoke again. “It’s on speaker, we’re both here. What’s the matter?”

I swallowed down a hysterical sob. “It’s Jon. We’ve had, well, the most terrible argument. But he’s drunk, and now he’s taken the car.” I told them as fast as I could. “I’m terrified he might put the car over the edge. It’s so much to ask, but will you please go and find him? Before he kills someone.” The words dried up in my mouth.

There was silence from the other end. They couldn’t help me.
I shouldn’t have asked.
They were probably trying to come up with an excuse why they were busy. I tried to apologize, but Jordan’s voice cut over me.

“Listen to me, Anita. Do you have any idea where he might have gone? Or in which direction?”

I took a breath, tried to think rationally. “The past few days he’s been trying to drive up to the car park at the base of Holyhead Mountain, the one for South Stack lighthouse. It’s probably the road he knows best, in the daylight at least.” I glanced fearfully outside. It was now completely dark.

I heard a frantic whispered discussion, then Kate’s voice, strong and reassuring. “Jordan will go look for him. I’ll come to you, and we’ll head in the other direction. Don’t panic, Anita, we’ll find him.”

It felt like hours later that a bright red Mini pulled up outside the house, I hunched on the doorstep, twisting my phone in my hands. A Mini, Kate drove the same type of car as me. I ran to her and scrambled into the passenger seat, and she wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tight.

“I’m sorry,” I could barely speak. “I didn’t know who to ask.”

“Come on,” she gave me a squeeze. “Let’s go in the other direction.” She handed me her mobile. “You hang on to this. Jordan will ring if he finds him.” She glanced into the back seat, and I followed her gaze. Poppy was there, strapped into another complicated looking harness.

“Oh God, I forgot all about Poppy. I shouldn’t have called you.”

“Pops is asleep. She nods off in the car, so she won’t know anything about this. Let’s go.”

We set off, taking the road toward Trearddur, Kate driving fast while I stared out into the dark, looking for the lights of a car. The village was quiet. We were the only ones on the road. Minutes later, Kate’s phone jangled. I stared, mesmerized. Terrified in case it was bad news.

She pulled over, grabbed the phone from my hand and answered it. I heard the rumble of Jordan’s voice, and Kate’s relieved reply. “You have? Oh thank God for that.” I tensed, stared mutely at her, and she flashed me a reassuring smile. She listened again, held up a finger to me, to stop me interrupting, and spoke briefly to her husband. “I’ll see you at home.”

Finishing the call, she placed the phone back in my lap and took both my hands. “He’s found him, in the car park where you thought. He’s very drunk and not in great shape, so Jordan has locked up your car and removed the keys, and he’s taking him back to our house.” She hesitated. “Jon seems very angry with you.”

I sank my head. Relief poured over me, and I shook from head to toe, my teeth chattering with the aftermath of the shock.

Kate gently rubbed my hands. “Hey, come on. He’s fine, we found him in time. Thanks to you.” She gave me an encouraging smile.

“He shouldn’t have been there in the first place. It’s my fault he was,” I whispered. I couldn’t raise the strength to speak properly. Kate just looked at me, as though planning what to say.

“Are you okay to come over and stay with us? Can you leave your pets overnight?” I nodded. “Let’s go back and get some clean clothes for you both, then you come back with me as well.”

Kate carried the still sleeping Poppy into her house, while I took my rucksack with some clothes for both of us and our toothbrushes. As we walked in, I heard Jordan talking in the kitchen and Jon’s voice, slurring badly. I hesitated in the hallway and Kate nudged me with her elbow. “Why don’t you come with me while I get Pops settled?” I followed her gratefully upstairs, unwilling to interrupt Jordan.

It took only a few minutes to get the sleeping child into her bed, and then Kate led me into the lounge where she poured me a glass of wine. I shook my head, but she insisted.

“You’re not going anywhere tonight, and it might help.”

I walked over to a big bay window that overlooked the sweeping lawns at the front of the house. I was a mass of nervous energy, now I was here. I desperately wanted to see Jon, to hold him and be with him, but I knew he never wanted to see me again. What a bloody nightmare this was.

Kate put her arm across my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. “You’re so upset, aren’t you? And I guess very much in love with Jon?” I nodded, unable to speak. “It’s none of my business, I’ve no intention of prying, but if you want to talk about it I’m more than happy to listen.” She took a sip of her own drink. “Jordan is best left with him for the moment. He knows what it’s like to be in a drunken rage, he’s been there himself.”

I stared back at her. “He has? But you seem so good together. Are you okay?”

She smiled faintly. “We’re fine now, but we’ve had our own problems. We split up for a long period, and Jordan took it badly.” A look of pain flashed across her face. She paused and looked away from me. “I think I can understand how you might be feeling.”

I nodded, and haltingly, I started to talk.

I told her everything.

Kate listened, hugged me, poured more wine, and coaxed me to sit beside her. When I ran out of words, she made me lie down and covered me with a fleece blanket.

“Stay here and rest for a while, you look wiped out. I’ll go and see how Jordan is doing. I’ll come back and update you, don’t worry.”