Pole Position (25 page)

I lay awake a long time waiting for Jon to come back to bed. He was adamant he wanted to be alone, so I complied. I didn’t like it though. When I tried to comfort him, he pushed me away, and that hurt. Just a few hours earlier, he’d been saying how much he loved to make love to me, and now this. I didn’t know what to think.

When he’d snuggled close, and murmured to me, for one thrilling, delicious moment, I stupidly thought he would say he loved me. But no. This was probably as close as I’d get.

He was capable of loving. He must have been in love with Susie to have asked her to marry him. I knew my place was well and truly on the sidelines, a convenient distraction while he waited for the next stage of his career to take off. I swallowed down my bitterness. We only had a week left together, and moping, wishing it was longer, wouldn’t change anything. When he came back to bed, I’d put a brave face on and pretend nothing was wrong. Just like in the car.

****

As the early morning light filtered through the curtains, I realized Jon hadn’t come back to bed at all. I’d drifted into a fitful sleep, tears drying on my face, and now I was tired and cranky. And worried. I found him slumped over the kitchen table, the remnants of a bottle of brandy in front of him. I’d never seen him drink anything stronger than wine. And he’d had several glasses of that last night as well.

I touched his arm. It felt cold, but he only wore a T-shirt with his boxers. I went to fetch a blanket and draped that over his shoulders, and then I quietly made a cup of tea and put away the brandy. Maddie snuffled at my hand, but stayed on Jon’s feet. At least they’d be warm. Noah and Thing came wandering in, asking for breakfast, but I shooed them away for the moment.

Jon slept on, snoring peacefully, so I went back upstairs to shower and dress. By the time I came back down, he was bustling round the kitchen, feeding the animals.

“Morning.” He sounded cheery enough. “Want some coffee?”

“Yes please.” I sat, uncertain how to behave.

He set a mug in front of me, gazed at me, and then wordlessly opened his arms. We held each other for a few moments before he spoke. “I’m sorry about last night. I had a bloody awful dream. I just needed to go somewhere quiet and get my head together.”

At least he was talking to me. “It’s okay, I was worried about you. Do you want to tell me about it?”

He stiffened in my arms, and spoke lightly. “I’ve forgotten it now. It was something and nothing, you know how these things are.” He sat down next to me and kissed me briefly on the lips. “What are we doing today? Looks like it’s a nice day again.”

He was lying, I knew it. I stared back at him, but the moment had passed. I sighed, turned it into a yawn, and stretched. “We could go back to bed for an hour?” I gave him what I thought was a tempting smile.

He stood up and walked to the fridge, peering inside it. “I feel like going out. We’re on holiday after all.” He glanced over his shoulder at me. “It was fun last night, at Jordan’s. Perhaps we should invite them over?”

I only have a week with you. I don’t want to share you with anyone.
Kate and Jordan had been very friendly, and Poppy was sweet, but they could see him anytime. This was
our
time together. I ducked my head, stared at the coffee mug, and murmured, “If you like.”

Closing the fridge, he moved to gaze out of the window at the mountain beyond. “How far up that can we go? Without needing special equipment?”

“We can go most of the way on the footpaths. Are you up to it? I thought—”

“I’m fine. I need some exercise before my muscles all go soft. Are we okay to take Maddie with us?”

“Yes, she’s been up there plenty of times.”

“I’ll go and shower. Why don’t we leave after that, make the most of the sunshine?”

I stared. “Don’t you want some breakfast?” I thought of the wine and brandy sloshing in his stomach.

“Nah, I’m not hungry.”

It was the same as the day before. He demanded the car keys, insisting he was driving. He’d barely pulled out of the parking area before he was nursing his left wrist in his lap, looking pale and shaken. He shook his head at me before I could say anything. I shrank back in my seat and stared out of the window.

He careered along the main road and we got a bit farther this time, onto the road leading up to South Stack, but he was clearly in pain and had to pull over. He leaned forward, his head resting on the steering wheel, his hands lying useless in his lap.

“What’s happening?” He whispered, as though he didn’t dare say it aloud.

Tears trickled down my cheeks. I picked up his limp hands in my own and kissed them. “You’ll be fine. It’s just a bit of muscle strain.”

“
Fine
? We’re talking about my hands. My fucking
hands
.” He snatched them back and thumped the wheel with his fists bunched. “Without my hands, I’m fucking useless.” To my horror, he banged his forehead with his fists. “Either that or my brain is fucked. Either way it all means the same.” His face was white, etched with lines of worry and pain.

What should I do? Nothing I knew could suggest how to react in these circumstances. All I knew was the man I loved was tearing himself apart. I took a deep breath, and trembling, reached out and took his hands again.

“
Enough
,” I shouted. It got his attention and he stared mutinously at me. I unclenched his fists and kissed the palms. “We’ll get through this. You helped to fix me, and I promise I’ll help to fix you.”

Suddenly his arms were around me, his face buried in my hair. “I won’t let this beat me.”

****

We walked and climbed until we were exhausted, finally stumbling our way down to the car. I drove the short distance back, then fed the animals and sorted out dinner while Jon hunched over his laptop again. He was reading and sending long emails as far as I could tell, and his hands worked fine now. They only seemed to fail when he tried to drive.

After spending most of the evening on his laptop, we finally curled up together on the settee to watch some TV. Jon was in no hurry to go to bed. Long after I was yawning and dozing, he carried on channel surfing and making inroads into a bottle of wine.

He made love to me with a strange intensity that night, a grim determination, as though his mind was elsewhere. Was he worrying about last night’s bad dream?

I’d barely gone to sleep when I awoke to find him thrashing and shouting beside me, his face contorted with horror. As I tried to wake him, he struggled against me, finally waking with fear in his eyes. Again, he leapt out of bed, shaking and trembling, unable to breathe. When I went to him, he pushed me away. He was practically hysterical. He staggered downstairs, while I sat frozen with indecision. There must be something I could do, but what?

I waited an hour, and then took two pillows and blankets downstairs, the cats following me. Maddie had already defected to be with Jon.

He was slumped over the table, his breath stinking of brandy again. I covered him with the blanket, shifted him slightly so that he was resting his head on the pillow, and then curled myself on the armchair in the kitchen. I could at least stay there and keep watch over him.

Monday morning came, and Jon bustled round me as though sleeping in the kitchen was perfectly normal. He had shadows under his eyes and a haunted look on his pale face, but showed a steely determination to pretend all was fine.

We went through the routine of him trying to drive. He got a little farther today, but was clearly in great pain. I drove back to the house where we had coffee, and then he tried again.
And again
. All we did on Monday was drive a few yards at a time. He refused to quit. By late afternoon, I insisted we go back, and he conceded defeat for the day. I couldn’t begin to imagine the torment he suffered. I couldn’t stand to see him crucifying himself.

We took a long walk on the beach, hand in hand. He was gentle and loving now he’d pushed today’s demons back into hiding, but as the evening passed, he tensed again. It was another bad night for both of us. He had the nightmare, so we moved down to the kitchen. The brandy bottle was down to its last dregs now. Then he had another nightmare while in his drunken stupor at the table.

I awoke to hear him shouting. The words were slurred, meaningless to me, but he yelled and cried out in pain. This time he let me hold him, his head pressed into my neck, my arms around him as he calmed down. We spent the rest of the night sleeping in each other’s arms on the settee.

I hoped that on Tuesday morning he might have finally extinguished his demons, that we may have turned a corner. How wrong I was.

It was quick and easy to make the arrangements to change my life. I had a short interview for the admin job at J&J Computing and got hired straight away. Sienna, my old school friend, was adamant I move into her flat as they were looking for a third to share. I had a month’s notice to work at the bookshop, but I was moving out of Danny’s right away. Having made my decision, there was no reason to wait any longer.

Danny banged about in a typically filthy mood, probably something to do with Anita going away with Jon, but I was over it. While he sulked at the stables on Sunday, I packed up my bags and sorted out my laundry.

He was so wrapped up in his own world I didn’t think he even noticed.

Monday was my half-day at the bookshop, so I prepared to move out. I loaded up my car and was about to set off when he came home and found me stuffing the last box of books onto the passenger seat.

His eyes took in the state of my car—bursting at the seams would be a good description. “What’s going on?”

I made my voice bright and cheery. “I’m off. I’m moving in with Sienna.”

He was speechless. “But…but…why?”

All of a sudden, he looked like a small boy. My heart ached for him. It would be so easy to give him a hug and fall into his arms and his bed, but I had more pride than that. I refused to put up with being second best while he waited endlessly for Anita to fall in love with him. He’d more chance of hell freezing over.

I sighed, locked up the car, and followed him into the house.

The stubborn so-and-so refused to accept what I was saying. He insisted Anita would only ever be like a sister to him.

“But I saw you snogging her. In front of me.”

“That was nothing, Colette. Just a peck on the lips. It didn’t mean anything.” He stood with his back to the kitchen sink, hands gripping the counter. His gaze followed me as I wandered around, unable to settle. I knew if he made a move toward me, we’d probably end up in bed. I needed distance.

“What about the way you tried to mess things up for her with Jon? You can’t deny you did that. The stupid news story in the Daily Comet.” I crossed my arms and stared at him. “You can’t deny that either.”

That silenced him. His mouth opened as though he was going to say something, but then he snapped it shut again.

Pain twisted inside my chest, I was on the verge of falling in love with Danny, and that would only be bad news. Until he could make up his mind who he wanted, I wasn’t interested.

I tried to ignore the pain in his eyes. “Please, Colette.” He swallowed, hard. “Don’t do this.”

“I have to.” I knew if I didn’t walk away, I’d end up staying another night. I hardened my heart, and slammed the door behind me, before driving away.

God, it hurt more than I expected.

I was weary and hung-over on Tuesday, sick of broken nights, sick of the endless nightmares, sick of my hands failing. Sick of
everything
. Since I’d drunk the best part of Kathy’s cooking brandy and disposed of several of Geoff’s bottles of wine, I suggested a trip to the supermarket to replace them.

Anita was gray with exhaustion but agreed to drive us into Holyhead where we could wander round the shops and kill some time. She bumped into someone she knew, a friend of her parents, and while they chatted, I distracted myself by looking at the houses for sale. One looked familiar. It was close to Bryn Dinas, and we’d seen it on our walks with Maddie. I asked her when she eventually came free, and she examined the advert with interest.

“Yes, it’s practically next door. It’s like Mum and Dad’s, but a smaller version, and still has its stables. Ours were converted into the bunkhouse and storage shed.”

She gave me a cheery smile, and we explored the small town further. I bought the replacement brandy and wine, along with another six bottles of red wine and a bottle of cheap whisky. I didn’t drink spirits as a rule, so I figured whisky was as good as anything was for using to blot out the night terrors. Anita’s perpetually worried expression irritated me, and I ignored her gentle protests, adding a second bottle of Scotch just to annoy her.

We took Maddie for another long beach walk, and Anita suggested we drive over to the airbase to watch some flying. She’d seen some jets taking off earlier. I shrugged. Tiredness, worry, and fear were making me unbelievably grouchy. Even while I recognized this, I was incapable of snapping out of it. I wanted to try to drive again. My goal was to drive the couple of miles to the car park at the foot of the mountain, so we tried again, all afternoon. I was so fucking fed up. All I could manage was a matter of yards before my muscles went into a spasm.

Anita drove us back and we resumed our normal evening pattern. Her phone beeped as she prepared dinner and surprised, she read the text aloud to me.

Hi Hun. You need 2 know, I’ve moved out 2day and in with my friends in Manchester. I have a month’s notice to work in the shop then I start my new job. New job, new home, just need new b/f. Danny not taking it well. Txt me when U R home again. Colette xxx

Tears sprang to her eyes, and I gave her a hug, unsure if she was crying for Colette or Psycho Danny.

Seeing my laptop open and my camera attached, she asked what I was doing. When I explained that I was uploading the photos I’d taken, she suddenly remembered something and disappeared upstairs, returning with a CD.

“I forgot about this. It’s some pictures from the shows. Danny did this compilation for me, and he said I could view it on any computer. Could we look at them on yours?”

I was glad of this new distraction and secretly triumphant Danny had been metaphorically kicked in the balls. Anita remained unwilling to say why Colette had left him, but that quickly became clear.

After a few pictures of Anita jumping huge fences on Sam, came a picture of her snogging Danny. Her shocked gasp and instantly red face made my heart sink. I stared dispassionately at the photograph. Even more telling was Colette’s pretty face in the background, looking at them, dismayed. After the horrors I’d endured over the past week, I was strangely calm as I examined the details. Their lips pressed together, his hand resting lightly on her ass. Beside me, she gulped, and stared at me, her eyes wide.

“He took me by surprise,” she managed. “I was
not
expecting that.”

I just looked at her. When I spoke, my voice came out reassuringly normal. “I think I can see why Colette moved out. It wouldn’t have anything to do with this would it?”

Anita said nothing, just reddened and tried to fumble the CD out of the drive.

I pushed her hand away with surprising force, and she yelped. “Leave it,” I snarled. I looked at her coldly. “I’d like to see if there’s any more like this.”

She leapt to her feet, twisting her hands and staring at my laptop as though it would bite her. I could have laughed aloud. This was exactly how Susie behaved when I found out about her cheating.

I flicked through a few more pictures. More innocent shots of horses, several of Anita I noticed, focusing on her gorgeous arse, delicious and pert in her tight breeches. And then the killer.

Danny snogging her again. Her arms around his neck this time, his tongue seemingly down her throat, and his fucking erection showing in his pants. I felt sick to my stomach. Taking a breath, I looked back at her. “Maybe you have a good explanation for this one as well? You’re wearing your sash, so it was clearly taken at a different time.”

“I told you, he took me by surprise.” I couldn’t tell if she was angry or scared.

I managed a mocking laugh. “Took you by surprise—
twice
? Not very likely. Try again, sweetheart.”

She took a shuddering breath. Her arms were wrapped around her body, eyes wildly flicking from me, back to the laptop, and back to me. I had to say, she was cornered.

“The first one, was when I got my clear round.”

I inclined my head for her to continue. She hesitated.

“The second one was when I won the cup.”

I steepled my fingers together in mock concentration. I was impressed by my self-control. What I really wanted to do was to hurl the fucking laptop out of the window and drive over it. Not particularly practical though.

I stared back at the screen. Slowly, carefully, I arranged it so that both of the pictures were side by side.

Anita was trembling, but obstinate. “It’s not what you think, I swear it!”

“Swear it? His hand is on your arse in this one.” I pointed carefully. “His tongue is down your bloody throat in this one.” I pointed helpfully again. In the same icy voice, I continued. “And his fucking hard-on is very visible here, would you like me to point that out to you? But I guess you’ve already seen that firsthand. In the flesh?”

“
No
.” She shouted at me, but I raged on.

“So, when you told me you went on the pill, for me, are you sure about the details of that? Or do you want to change your story there too?”

“Jon,
no
. Stop this.”

She trembled so hard, I was surprised she could still stand. One hand fluttered around her forehead, the other clenching and twitching. I sat back and looked at her beautiful face, and felt a pang for what might have been.

“Have you been taking acting lessons from my wife? I could swear you seemed genuine when you told me how scared you were of sex, how rough your ex-boyfriend was.”

She stared at me, not comprehending. Her eyes were huge and glittering, tears cascading silently down her cheeks. Pain twisted in my gut. Despite the evidence of her infidelity, I still loved her, still wanted her.
More fool me
. “I had a chat with Colette at the show. She was sporting some interesting bruises on her collarbone, and I asked if she’d fallen off a horse too. You know, she just laughed and said it was a different kind of riding. Your darling Danny is something of an animal in the sack, according to her. But I forget, you like a bit of rough trade, don’t you?”

She shook her head, and tried to interrupt, but I raised my voice and shouted her down. “So were you just using me to break you in gently? A bit of a distraction for you? Get Danny all fired up about the competition? Do you get a kick out of men fighting over you? You make me sick.”