Poison Me Sweetly (22 page)

Monday seems normal. The guys don't seem to know about
my drunken episode Saturday night, and I'm relieved. That's about the only good
thing about the day. It’s hard to concentrate on classes when I know Caleb
wants to 'talk' to me. I keep flipping between deciding to bail, to wanting to
meet up with him because I want to hear what he has to say. I'm not a moron. I
know he expects me to do a lot of talking, because going by the way he looked
at me yesterday, he expects me to explain what I was up to last night. And I'm
betting he wants to broach other topics that are better left forgotten.

There's also the fact that I must've said some stuff
in my drunken stupor. What did I said? I'm afraid to find out, but yet I
need
to know so I can fix it. If I professed my feelings for him, I'm going to have
to try to brush it off and claim it was the alcohol. I don't want him to know
how much he's gotten under my skin. I can't believe that the man I woke up
to—handcuffed to my bed—is the same man that I'm beginning to fall for.
Unbelievable.

Ironically enough, when I spy Caleb waiting for me
after my last class, I'm actually kind of happy to see him.

He smiles wryly. “Didn't want to give you the chance
to ditch me,” he says as he falls into step beside me as we leave the building.

“Oh, trust me, I've been considering it all day.”

“You wouldn't be my Sparky if you hadn't.”

I look at him sharply as we walk down a set of stairs.
“
Your
Sparky? When did I become yours?”

His eyes meet mine. “You've been mine for a while
now.”

My eyes widen, and I trip on the last stair, almost
doing a face plant in front of him.

His hand reaches out quickly to steady me. “Christ. Is
that all it takes to get you to fall at my feet?” he teases. My face heats up
and his eyes flicker with surprise. “Holy shit. Zoey
Monohan
actually blushes.”

I give his shoulder a shove and begin to walk away.

He soon catches up, and we both walk in silence to Lot
12. I'd had to park farther away today, because the usual lot I park in had
been full. “I'm parked here as well. I don't suppose you'll let me drive?” he
asks.

“In your dreams.”

“Oh, you've been in the driver's seat plenty of times
in my dreams.”

My eyes roll, but I'm relieved we're back to teasing
one another. It's better than the type of conversation I've been dreading all
day. I pull out my key fob and unlock the Camaro. Caleb doesn't bother trying
to argue for control of the car. Instead, he opens the passenger door and leans
in to move the seat back as far as it'll go. Then he settles in, adjusting his
long legs.

I settle into the driver's seat and turn on the
ignition. “Where to?” I ask as I glance in my rearview mirror before backing
out.

“The beach. Alamitos, if you can find a spot to park.”

I nod. “Have you talked to Micaela?”

“Once since Thursday. Her mood seems better.”

A smile curves my lips as I concentrate on navigating
through traffic. “Anything with her mom?”

“No.” He sighs. “I don't think her mom's going to come
around that easily.”

“We need to do something about that, Caleb.”

“We can't. You've only met Micaela twice, three times
if you count Grendel's, and I'm not even supposed to be seeing her. All we can
do is be there when she needs us,” he says quietly.

I glance at him, and I see that his gaze is transfixed
on traffic. I turn my attention back to driving. We reach the surrounding area
near Alamitos Beach, but as usual, the parking lot is full. I find a parking
space not too far from the beach and we walk.

We're both quiet, and the silence isn't awkward. It's
almost peaceful. The only time Caleb speaks is when he nods towards the stretch
of beach in front of the condos. “Let's go down that way.”

“Okay.”

We end up in the exact area where I'd tried to go into
the ocean Saturday night. I'm uncomfortable but try not to show it. We sit down
on the sand and watch as a man jogs past with a dog on his heels, its tail
wagging excitedly as it trails behind its owner. I fully expect Caleb to start
questioning me, but he doesn't. He simply stares out at the ocean, his
expression contemplative. There is definitely something on his mind.

I'm in no mood to rush into the talking bit of this
little outing, so I slip off my sandals and dig my toes into the sand. I'm
feeling weary but curious at the same time. I know whatever we talk about today
will once again affect our relationship. I'm not sure how, but things will
change.

Caleb turns on me, his blue eyes steady with a hint of
purpose evident in their depths. “I need you to trust me, Zoey. I know it’s not
easy, especially after some of the things that have happened between us, but I
want you to look at me as the friend I’ve been trying real hard to be for you.”
His eyes focus intently on me, not allowing me to look away. “I’m worried about
you. I’ve been wanting to approach you for a while now about some things, but
Saturday night changed everything where you’re concerned. I’m not backing off
anymore.”

“What do you mean?” I ask as alarm begins to develop
within me.

“I’ve seen what you’re doing to yourself, and I have a
feeling it all comes down to what happened with your brother.”

“I don’t want to go there with you, Caleb,” I say
flatly as my shoulders tense up. My eyes dart to the ocean so that I can avoid
looking at him.

“You have to with someone, Zoey. If not me, someone
else. I’m not licensed yet, but I’ve worked the hotline enough to know that you
need to talk to someone. Ace tells me you’re not close to your parents, so is
there someone else that you’ve been talking to about your brother? Or have you
been holding it in for three years? Because if that’s the case, you need to let
it out, Zoey. Holding it in isn’t healthy. Look at what you’re doing to
yourself. You could have drowned last night,” he reminds me calmly.

“Caleb, I don’t want to have this talk with you,” I
try to say angrily, but instead my voice breaks slightly, and I feel myself
flush with embarrassment.

He reaches out and touches the side of my face, and
even though I want to pull away, I don’t. His eyes fasten on mine, and the look
in them blows me away. They're filled with something I haven’t seen before.
It’s warm and inviting, concerned but yet coaxing. I can see in the depths of
his gaze that he cares about me. That he’s been
worrying
over me. “I
think you do, but you’re scared. You’ve trusted me with your body, Zoey. You’ve
let me hold you when you’ve been tortured by nightmares. Now trust me with the
parts of you that I know are there, just waiting to be released. I don’t know
why you keep everyone at a distance, but I’d really like you to try to let me
in. I just want to be here for you, to help you. That’s what friends do.” His
eyes peer at me with an odd fierceness. “It’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes.
It’s okay to let people see you when you’re weak, when you’re suffering. It
makes you
human
. You should know that I would never exploit your
vulnerability. I will never, ever use it against you. Let down that armor you
have around yourself, and put your faith in someone for once. I’m here, I
want
to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere else, Zoey,” he says simply.

My eyes promptly drop to my hands that are clasped in
my lap. I want to trust him. I really do, but I'm scared to tell him the parts
of me that scare even myself. I wait for him to press, but he doesn't. I chew
my bottom lip and try to sort out the mess that's in my mind. There's a part of
me that knows that Caleb will keep anything I say to himself. It'll never leave
his lips. But shit, if I give him the parts of me that I've given no one else,
how do I still hold on to my heart? Because I'm falling for this man, and I
don't know how to stop it from happening.

In the end, I follow my gut, because the connection we
have is too strong to resist. I refuse to look at him as I draw my knees to my
chest, my arms clasping around them defensively. It’s a classic ‘don’t touch
me’ signal that’s clear as day. I hear Caleb release a soft, disappointed sigh
as I physically shut him out. But I have to. If I'm going to dig up old shit
that's going to hurt, I don't want his comfort. I still need to keep some
semblance of distance between us.

My lips tighten as I stare out at the ocean before I
reluctantly begin to talk. I'm careful to keep my tone calm and neutral. “Micah
was my twin, and we were close, extremely close growing up. He was seventeen
when he died. I got drunk at a party, and he wanted to take me home.” Guilt
eats away at me as I continue, my voice flat as I speak. “I'd gotten in a fight
with my boyfriend, and Micah knew if I stayed, I'd simply make things worse.” I
let out a soft, empty laugh. “Micah was always bailing me out of trouble. I've
always been pretty head strong while he was the calm one. He could talk me down
from anything, because when he spoke, I listened. Micah was just one of those
people that you couldn't resist. His laughter was infectious. You could be
spittin
' mad at him one moment and laughing the next,
because he made a wise-ass joke that broke the tension.” I realize my voice is
thick with unshed tears as I speak, and I sense Caleb moving towards me.
“Don't!” I warn sharply without looking at him.

“I just want to touch you in some small way. I’ve
opened you up to this pain, and I want to go through it with you,” he says
softly.

A tear trickles down my cheek, and I stare bitterly at
the water. “Don't. Just...I don't want your comfort. I can't... If you want me
to talk, you'll just be quiet and let me without speaking. I know I sound like
a bitch, but I can't do it with...” My jaw clenches as I stare at a seagull
hovering over the water. “I don't want that closeness with you,” I tell him
with brutal honesty. “I can't handle both, okay? I can't open up to you and
take your comfort at the same time. It's too much.”

Caleb is silent for a long moment. “Okay,” he says
quietly.

I swallow the lump in my throat and continue sharing
the past that haunts me daily. “It was late when we left the party, and it was
up in the hills; lots of blind turns. There was a deer standing in the middle
of the road and...Micah swerved to avoid it.” I can envision the scene
unfolding in my head, and I can feel the blood draining from my face as I
re-live that horrific moment when I knew I was going to die. “The car was
headed for a huge tree. There was no way to avoid it, we were just going too
fast. The passenger side would have taken the brunt of the accident,” I whisper
as my eyes close. “He tried to turn the wheel in the last moment, trying to
save me from the impact. H-his side got the worst of it. He...he died
instantly.” My head drops to my knees, and I draw in deep, shuddering breaths
as I try to control the emotions that are unraveling within me. I hear Caleb
curse under his breath, but he doesn't touch me, and he doesn't say anything.

It's
a couple minutes before I have myself under control.
I've somehow managed to keep the tears from escaping, and I sniffle slightly. I
lift my head and rest my chin on my hands that are clasped tightly on top of my
knees. “I regained consciousness while I was still trapped in the car,” I say
hollowly. “It took an hour before someone came along and called for help.” I
lick my dry lips and try to shake off that horrible trapped feeling that still
exists deep within me. “One minute Micah was alive, and the next he was gone.
Life seemed to come to a grinding halt for me after his death. I couldn't move
on, and I couldn't handle seeing Micah's girlfriend. I even shut out my
boyfriend. What I really needed were my parents,” I say bitterly as I stare at
a boat in the distance. “They were dealing with their grief in their own way, though.
My mom spent most of her time locked in her bedroom while my dad was always
hovering over her. I was forgotten. Two months later my mom snapped out of it,
and next thing I know, we're moving and my parents were taking on extra hours
at their jobs.”

I can sense Caleb wanting to say something, but he
keeps it to himself.

“They erased him from our lives,” I say flatly as I
look at him. His blue gaze is focused intently on me, and I can see emotion
swirling in those depths, but I don't bother trying to decipher it. I'm angry
now, and I can handle anger, which is why I am now facing him. “They didn't put
up any pictures of Micah. All his stuff was...I don't know. I don't know where
his belongings are. If they saved them or threw them. One second he was my brother,
and the next he was gone! He was gone! I hate them,” I say angrily. “I hate
them for abandoning me, because they did, Caleb. I wasn't important enough to
grieve with. I'd always been the trouble maker, and maybe that was their issue.
It was the good kid that died instead of the bad one.”

Caleb grabs my shoulders and peers into my face, his
expression fierce now that he's no longer content to stay silent. “No. No,
Zoey. I can guarantee that's not what they were thinking at the time.”

“You don't know that,” I say bitterly. “You don't even
know them! You have no idea what it was like to wake up in the hospital and not
have them there. My mom had a breakdown when she learned of Micah’s death, and
my dad chose to be with
her
instead of me. He continuously chose her,
over and over again, while I was forgotten. It was as if they were punishing me
or something.” My chest physically hurts as I fight back the tears that once
again want to burst forth from behind the walls I’ve erected for so long.