Plays Unpleasant (20 page)

PARAMORE
[
with patient contempt
] Thats the sort of thing we scientific men have to put up with nowadays, Mr Cuthbertson. Ignorance, superstition, sentimentality: they are all one. A guinea pig's convenience is set above the health and lives of the entire human race.

CUTHBERTSON
[
vehemently
] It's not ignorance nor superstition, Paramore; it's sheer downright Ibsenism; thats what it is. Ive been wanting to sit comfortably at that fire the whole morning; but Ive never had a chance with that girl there. I couldnt go and plump myself down on a seat beside her: goodness knows what she'd think I wanted! Thats one of the delights of having women in the club: when they come in here they all want to sit at the fire and adore that bust. I sometimes feel that I should like to take the poker, and fetch it a wipe across the nose. Ugh!

PARAMORE
. I must say I prefer the elder Miss Craven to her sister.

CUTHBERTSON
[
his eye lighting up
] Ah, Julia! I believe you. A splendid fine creature: every inch a woman. No Ibsenism about her!

PARAMORE
. I quite agree with you there, Mr Cuthbertson.
Er – by the way, do you think is Miss Craven attached to Charteris at all?

CUTHBERTSON
. What! that fellow! Not he. He hangs about after her; but he's not man enough for her. A woman of that sort likes a strong, manly, deep throated, broad chested man.

PARAMOSE
[
anxiously
] Hm! a sort of sporting character, you think?

CUTHBERTSON
. Oh, no, no. A scientific man, perhaps, like yourself. But you know what I mean: a MAN. [
He strikes himself a sounding blow on the chest
].

PARAMORE
. Of course; but Charteris is a man.

CUTHBERTSON
. Pah! You dont see what I mean.

The page boy returns with his salver
.

THE PAGE
[
calling monotonously as before
] Mr Cuthbertson, Mr Cuthbertson, Mr Cuth –

CUTHBERTSON
. Here, boy. [
He takes a card from the salver
]. Bring the gentleman up here. [
The boy goes out
]. It's Craven. He's coming to lunch with me and Charteris. You might join us if youve nothing better to do, when youve finished with the instrument man. If Julia turns up I'll ask her too.

PARAMORE
[
flushing with pleasure
] I shall be very pleased. Thank you. [
He is going out at the staircase door when Craven enters
]. Good morning, Colonel Craven.

CRAVEN
[
at the door
] Good morning: glad to see you. I'm looking for Cuthbertson.

PARAMORE
[
smiling
] There he is. [
He goes out
].

CUTHBERTSON
[
greeting Craven effusively
] Delighted to see you. Now will you come to the smoking room; or will you sit down here, and have a chat while we're waiting for Charteris? If you like company, the smoking room's always full of women. Here in the library we shall have it pretty well all to ourselves until about three o'clock.

CRAVEN
. I dont like to see women smoking. I'll make myself comfortable here. [
He sits in the easy chair on the staircase side
].

CUTHBERTSON
[
taking the smaller chair on his left
] Neither do I. Theres not a room in this club where I can enjoy a pipe quietly without a woman coming in and beginning to roll a cigaret. It's a disgusting habit in a woman: it's not natural to her sex.

CRAVEN
[
sighing
] Ah, Jo, times have changed since we both courted Molly Ebden all those years ago. I took my defeat well, old chap, didnt I?

CUTHBERTSON
[
with earnest approval
] You did, Dan. The thought of it has often helped me to behave well myself: it has, on my honor.

CRAVEN
. Yes: you always believed in hearth and home, Jo: in a true English wife, and a happy wholesome fireside. How did Molly turn out?

CUTHBERTSON
[
trying to be fair to Molly
] Well, not bad. She might have been worse. You see, I couldnt stand her relations: all the men were roaring cads; and she couldnt get on with my mother. And then she hated being in town; and of course I couldnt live in the country on account of my work. But we hit it off as well as most people until we separated.

CRAVEN
[
taken aback
] Separated![
He is irresistibly amused
]. Oh! that was the end of the hearth and home, Jo, was it?

CUTHBERTSON
[
warmly
] It was not my fault, Dan. [
Sentimentally
] Some day the world will know how I loved that woman. But she was incapble of valuing a true man's affection. Do you know, she often said she wished she'd married you instead.

CRAVEN
[
sobered by the suggestion
] Dear me! dear me! Well, perhaps it was better as it was. You heard about my marriage, I suppose.

CUTHBERTSON
. Oh yes: we all heard of it.

CRAVEN
. Well, Jo, I may as well make a clean breast of it: everybody knew it.
I
married for money.

CUTHBERTSON
[
encouragingly
] And why not, Dan? Why not? We cant get on without it, you know.

CRAVEN
[
with sincere feeling
] I got to be very fond of her, Jo. I had a home until she died. Now everything's changed. Julia's always here. Sylvia's of a different nature; but she's always here too.

CUTHBERTSON
[
sympathetically
] I know. It's the same with Grace. She's always here.

CRAVEN
. And now they want me to be always here. Theyre at me every day to join the club. To stop my grumbling, I suppose. Thats what I want to consult you about. Do you think I ought to join?

CUTHBERTSON
. Well, if you have no conscientious objection –

CRAVEN
[
testily interrupting him
] I object to the existence of the place on principle; but whats the use of that? Here it is in spite of my objection; and I may as well have the benefit of any good that may be in it.

CUTHBERTSON
[
soothing him
] Of course: thats the only reasonable view of the matter. Well, the fact is, it's not so inconvenient as you might think. When youre at home, you have the house more to yourself; and when you want to have your family about you, you can dine with them at the club.

CRAVEN
[
not much attracted by this
] True.

CUTHBERTSON
. Besides, If You Dont Want To Dine With Them, You Neednt.

CRAVEN
[
convinced
] True, very true. But dont they carry on here, rather?

CUTHBERTSON
. Oh no: they dont exactly carry on. Of course the usual tone of the club is low, because the women smoke, and earn their own living, and all that; but still theres nothing actually to complain of. And it's convenient, certainly.

Charteris comes in, looking round for them
.

CRAVEN
[
rising
] Do you know, Ive a great mind to join, just to see what it's like.

CHARTERIS
[
coming between them
] Do so by all means. I hope
I havnt disturbed your chat by coming too soon.

CRAVEN
. Not at all. [
He shakes his hand cordially
].

CHARTERIS
. Thats right. I'm earlier than I intended. The fact is, I have something rather pressing to say to Cuthbertson.

CRAVEN
. Private?

CHARTERIS
. Not particularly. [
To Cuthbertson
] Only what we were speaking of last night.

CUTHBERTSON
. Well, Charteris, I think that is private, or ought to be.

CRAVEN
[
retiring discreetly towards the table
] I'll just take a look at The Times –

CHARTERIS
[
stopping him
] Oh, it's no secret: everybody in the club guesses it. [
To Cuthbertson
] Has Grace never mentioned to you that she wants to marry me?

CUTHBERTSON
[
indignantly
] She has mentioned that you want to marry her.

CHARTERIS
. Ah; but then it's not what I want, but what Grace wants, that will weigh with you.

CRAVEN
[
a little shocked
] Excúseme, Charteris: this is private.

I'll leave you to yourselves [
again moving towards the table
].

CHARTERIS
. Wait a bit, Craven: youre concerned in this.

Julia wants to marry me too.

CRAVEN
[
in the tone of the strongest remonstrance
] Now really!

Now upon my life and soul!

CHARTERIS
. It's a fact, I assure you. Didnt it strike you as rather odd, our being up there last night, and Mrs Tranfield not with us?

CRAVEN
. Well, yes it did. But you explained it. And now really, Charteris, I must say your explanation was in shocking bad taste before Julia.

CHARTERIS
. Never mind. It was a good, fat, healthy, bouncing lie.

CRAVEN AND CUTHBERTSON
. Lie!

CHARTERIS
. Didnt you suspect that?

CRAVEN
. Certainly not. Did you, Jo?

CUTHBERTSON
. Not at the moment.

CRAVEN
. Whats more, I dont believe you. I'm sorry to have to say such a thing; but you forget that Julia was present, and didnt contradict you.

CHARTERIS
. She didnt want to.

CRAVEN
. Do you mean to say that my daughter deceived me?

CHARTERIS
. Delicacy towards me compelled her to, Craven.

CRAVEN
[
taking a very serious tone
] Now look here, Charteris; have you any proper sense of the fact that youre standing between two fathers?

CUTHBERTSON
. Quite right, Dan, quite right. I repeat the question on my own account.

CHARTERIS
. Well, I'm a little dazed still by standing for so long between two daughters; but I think I grasp the situation. [
Cuthbertson flings away with an exclamation of disgust
].

CRAVEN
. Then I'm sorry for your manners, Charteris: thats all. [
He turns away sulkily; then suddenly flares up and comes back to Charteris
]. How dare you tell me my daughter wants to marry you? Who are you, pray, that she should have any such ambition?

CHARTERIS
. Just So: youre quite right: she couldnt have made a worse choice. But she wont listen to reason. I assure you, my dear Craven, Ive said everything that fifty fathers could have said; but it's no use: she wont give me up. And if she wont listen to me, what likelihood is there of her listening to you?

CRAVEN
[
in angry bewilderment
] Cuthbertson: did you ever hear anything like this?

CUTHBERTSON
. Never! Never!

CHARTERIS
. Oh, bother! Come! dont behave like a couple of conventional old fathers; this is a serious affair. Look at these letters [
producing a letter and a letter-card
]! This [
shewing the card
] is from Grace – by the way, Cuthbertson, I wish youd ask her not to write on letter-cards: the blue colour makes it so easy for Julia to pick the bits out of my
waste paper basket and piece them together. Now listen. ‘My dear Leonard: Nothing could make it worth my while to be exposed to such scenes as last night's. You had much better go back to Julia, and forget me. Yours sincerely, Grace Tranfield.'

CUTHBERTSON
. I approve of every word of that letter.

CHARTERIS
[
turning to Craven and preparing to read the letter
] Now for Julia. [
The Colonel turns away to hide his face from Charteris, anticipating a shock, and puts his hand on a chair to steady himself
]. ‘My dearest boy: Nothing will make me believe that this odious woman can take my place in your heart. I send some of the letters you wrote me when we first met; and I ask you to read them. They will recall what you felt when you wrote them. You cannot have changed so much as to be indifferent to me: whoever may have struck your fancy for the moment, your heart is still mine' – and so on: you know the sort of thing – ‘Ever and always your loving Julia.' [
The Colonel sinks on the chair, and covers his face with his hand
]. You dont suppose she's serious, do you? thats the sort of thing she writes me three times a day. [
To Cuthbertson
] Grace is in earnest though, confound it. [
He holds out Grace's letter
] A blue card as usual! This time I shall not trust the waste paper basket. [
He goes to the fire, and throws the letters into it
].

CUTHBERTSON
[
facing him with folded arms as he comes back to them
] May I ask, Mr Charteris, is this the New Humor?

CHARTERIS
[
still too preoccupied with his own affairs to have any sense of the effect he is producing on the others
] Oh, stuff! Do you suppose it's a joke to be situated as I am? Youve got your head so stuffed with the New Humor and the New Woman and the New This, That, and The Other, all mixed up with your own old Adam, that youve lost your senses.

CUTHBERTSON
[
strenuously
] Do you see that old man, grown grey in the honored service of his country, whose last days you have blighted?