Plays Unpleasant (18 page)

JULIA
[
solemnly
] If you do, I swear I will throw myself from that window, Leonard, as you pass out.

CHARTERIS
[
unimpressed
] That window is at the back of the building. I shall pass out at the front: so you will not hurt me. Goodnight. [
He approaches the door
].

JULIA
. Leonard: have you no pity?

CHARTERIS
. Not the least. When you condescend to these antics you force me to despise you. How can a woman who behaves like a spoiled child and talks like a sentimental novel have the audacity to dream of being a companion for a man of any sort of sense or character? [
She gives an inarticulate cry, and throws herself sobbing on his breast
]. Come! dont cry, my dear Julia: you dont look half so beautiful as when youre happy: and it makes me all damp. Come along.

JULIA
[
affectionately
] I'll come, dear, if you wish it. Give me one kiss.

CHARTERIS
[
exasperated
] This is too much. No: I'm dashed if I will. Here: let me go, Julia [
She clings to him
]. Will you come without another word if I give you a kiss?

JULIA
. I will do anything you wish, darling.

CHARTERIS
. Well here. [
He takes her in his arms and gives her an unceremonious kiss
]. Now remember your promise. Come along.

JULIA
. That was not a nice kiss, dearest. I want one of our old real kisses.

CHARTERIS
[
furious
] Oh, go to the deuce. [
He disengages himself impulsively; and she, as if he had flung her down, falls pathetically with a stifled moan. With an angry look at her, he strides out and slams the door. She raises herself on one hand, listening to his retreating footsteps. They stop. Her face lights up with eager, triumphant cunning. The steps return hastily. She throws herself down again as before. Charteris reappears, in the utmost dismay, exclaiming
] Julia: we're done. Cuthbertson's coming upstairs with your father [
she sits up quickly
]. Do you hear? the two fathers!

JULIA
[
sitting on the floor
] Impossible. They dont know one another.

CHARTERIS
[
desperately
] I tell you theyre coming up together like twins. What on earth are we to do?

JULIA
[
scrambling up with the help of his hand
] Quick: the lift: we can go down in that. [
She rushes to the table for her toque
].

CHARTERIS
. No: the man's gone home; and the lift's locked.

JULIA
[
putting on her toque at express speed
] Lets go up to the next floor.

CHARTERIS
. There's no next floor. We're at the top of the house. No, no: you must invent some thumping lie. I cant think of one: you can, Julia. Exercise all your genius. I'll back you up.

JULIA
. But –

CHARTERIS
. Sh-sh! Here they are. Sit down and look at home. [
Julia tears off her toque and mantle; throws them on the table; and darts to the piano, at which she seats herself
].

JULIA
. Come and sing.

She plays the symphony to When Other Lips. Charteris stands at the piano, as if about to sing. Two elderly gentlemen enter. Julia stops playing
.

The elder of the two newcomers, Colonel Daniel Craven, affects the bluff simple veteran, and carries it off pleasantly and well, having afine upright figure, and being, in fact, a goodnaturedly impulsive credulous person who, after an entirely thoughtless career as an officer and a gentleman, is now being startled into some sort of self-education by the surprising proceedings of his children
.

His companion, Mr Joseph Cuthbertson, Grace's father, has none of the Colonel's boyishness. He is a man of fervent idealistic sentiment, so frequently outraged by the facts of life that he has acquired an habitually indignant manner, which unexpectedly becomes enthusiastic or affectionate when he speaks
.

The two men differ greatly in expression. The Colonel's face is lined with weather, with age, with eating and drinking, and with the cumulative effect of many petty vexations, but not with thought: he is still fresh, still full of expectations of pleasure and novelty
.
Cuthbertson has the lines of sedentary London brain work, with its chronic fatigue and longing for rest and recreative emotion, and its disillusioned indifference to adventure and enjoyment, except as a means of recuperation. His vigilant, irascible eye, piled-up hair, and the honorable seriousness with which he takes himself, give him an air of considerable consequence
.

They are both in evening dress. Cuthbertson has not taken off his fur-collared overcoat
.

CUTHBERTSON
[
with a hospitable show of delight at finding visitors
] Dont stop, Miss Craven. Go on, Charteris.

He comes behind the sofa, and hangs his overcoat on it, after taking an opera glass and a theatre program from the pockets, and putting them down on the piano. Craven meanwhile goes to the fireplace, and plants himself on the hearthrug
.

CHARTERIS
. No, thank you. Miss Craven has just been taking me through an old song; and Ive had enough of it. [
He takes the song off the piano desk and lays it aside; then closes the lid over the keyboard
].

JULIA
[
passing between the sofa and piano to shake hands with Cuthbertson
] Why, youve brought Daddy! What a surprise! [
Looking across to Craven
] So glad youve come, Dad. [
She takes a chair near the window, and sits there
].

CUTHBERTSON
. Craven: let me introduce you to Mr Leonard Charteris, the famous Ibsenist philosopher.

CRAVEN
. Oh, we know one another already. Charteris is quite at home in our house, Jo.

CUTHBERTSON
. I beg both your pardons. He's quite at home here too. [
Charteris sits down on the piano stool
] By the bye, wheres Grace?

JULIA AND CHARTERIS
. Er – [
They stop and look at one another
].

JULIA
[
politely
] I beg your pardon, Mr Charteris: I interrupted you.

CHARTERIS
. Not at all, Miss Craven. [
An awkward pause
].

CUTHBERTSON
[
to help them out
] You were going to tell us about Grace, Charteris.

CHARTERIS
. I was only going to say that I didnt know that you and Craven were acquainted.

CRAVEN
. Why,
I
didnt know it until tonight. It's a most extraordinary thing. We met by chance at the theatre; and he turns out to be my oldest friend.

CUTHBERTSON
[
energetically
] Yes, Craven; and do you see how this proves what I was saying to you about the breakup of family life? Here are all our young people bosom friends, inseparables; and yet they never said a word of it to us. We two, who knew each other before they were born, might never have met again if you hadnt popped into the stall next mine tonight by pure chance. Come: sit down [
bustling over to him affectionately, and pushing him into the armchair above the fire
]: theres your place, by my fireside, whenever you choose to fill it. [
He posts himself at the end of the sofa, leaning against it and admiring Craven
]. Just imagine you being Dan Craven!

CRAVEN
. Just imagine you being Jo Cuthbertson, though! Thats a far more extraordinary coincidence; because I'd got it into my head that your name was Tranfield.

CUTHBERTSON
. Oh, thats my daughter's name. She's a widow, you know. How uncommonly well you look, Dan! The years havnt hurt you much.

CRAVEN
[
suddenly becoming unnaturally gloomy
] I look well. I even feel well. But my days are numbered.

CUTHBERTSON
[
alarmed
] Oh, dont say that, my dear fellow. I hope not.

JULIA
[
with anguish in her voice
] Daddy! [
Cuthbertson looks inquiringly round at her
].

CRAVEN
. There, there, my dear: I was wrong to talk of it. It's a sad subject. But it's better that Cuthbertson should know. We used to be very close friends, and are so still, I hope. [
Cuthbertson goes to Craven and presses his hand silently; then returns to the sofa and sits down, pulling out his handkerchief, and displaying some emotion
].

CHARTERIS
[
a little impatiently
] The fact is, Cuthbertson,
Craven's a devout believer in the department of witchcraft called medical science. He's celebrated in all the medical schools as an example of the newest sort of liver complaint. The doctors say he cant last another year: and he has fully made up his mind not to survive next Easter, just to oblige them.

CRAVEN
[
with military affectation
] It's very kind of you to try to keep up my spirits by making light of it, Charteris. But I shall be ready when my time comes. I'm a soldier. [
A sob from Julia
]. Dont cry, Julia.

CUTHBERTSON
[
huskily
] I hope you may long be spared, Dan.

CRAVEN
. To oblige me, Jo, change the subject. [
He gets up, and again posts himself on the hearthrug with his back to the fire
].

CHARTERIS
. Persuade him to join our club, Cuthbertson. He mopes.

JULIA
. It's no use. Sylvia and I are always at him to join; but he wont.

CRAVEN
. My child: I have my own club.

CHARTERIS
[
contemptuously
] Yes: the Junior Army and Navy! Do you call that a club? Why, they darent let a woman cross the doorstep!

CRAVEN
[
a little ruffled
] Clubs are a matter of taste, Charteris. You like a cock-and-hen club: I dont. It's bad enough to have Julia and her sister – a girl under twenty! – spending half their time at such a place. Besides, now really, such a name for a club! The Ibsen club! I should be laughed out of London. The Ibsen club! Come, Cuthbertson! back me up. I'm sure you agree with me.

CHARTERIS
. Cuthbertson's a member.

CRAVEN
[
amazed
] No! Why, he's been talking to me all the evening about the way in which everything is going to the dogs through advanced ideas in the younger generation.

CHARTERIS
. Of course. He's been studying it in the club. He's always there.

CUTHBERTSON
[
warmly
] Not always. Dont exaggerate, Charteris. ‘You know very well that though I joined the club on Grace's account, thinking that her father's presence there would be a protection and a – a sort of sanction, as it were, I never approved of it.

CRAVEN
[
tactlessly harping on Cuthbertson's inconsistency
] Well, you know, this is unexpected: now it's really very unexpected. I should never have thought it from hearing you talk, Jo. Why, you said the whole modern movement was abhorrent to you because your life had been passed in witnessing scenes of suffering nobly endured and sacrifice willingly rendered by womanly women and manly men and deuce knows what else. Is it at the Ibsen club that you see all this manliness and womanliness?

CHARTERIS
. Certainly not: the rules of the club forbid anything of the sort. Every candidate for membership must be nominated by a man and a woman, who both guarantee that the candidate, if female, is not womanly, and if male, not manly.

CRAVEN
[
chuckling cunningly as he stoops to press his heated trousers againts his legs, which are chilly
] Wont do, Charteris. Cant take me in with so thin a story as that.

CUTHBERTSON
[
vehemently
] It's true. It's monstrous: but it's true.

CRAVEN
[
with rising indignation, as he begins to draw the inevitable inferences
] Do you mean to say that somebody had the audacity to guarantee that my Julia is not a womanly woman?

CHARTERIS
[
darkly
] It sounds incredible; but a man was found ready to take that inconceivable lie on his conscience.

JULIA
[
firing up
] If he has nothing worse than that on his conscience, he may sleep pretty well. In what way am I more womanly than any of the rest of them, I should like to know? They are always saying things like that behind my back: I hear of them from Sylvia. Only the other day
a member of the committee said I ought never to have been elected – that you [
to Charteris
] had smuggled me in. I should like to see her say it to my face: thats all.

CRAVEN
. But, my precious, I most sincerely hope she was right. She paid you the highest compliment. Why, the place must be a den of infamy.

CUTHBERTSON
[
emphatically
] So it is, Craven: so it is.

CHARTRIS
. Exactly. Thats what keeps it so select: nobody but people whose reputations are above suspicion dare belong to it. If we once got a good name, we should become a mere whitewashing shop for all the shady characters in London. Better join us, Craven. Let me put you up.

CRAVEN
. What! Join a club where theres some scoundrel who guaranteed my daughter to be an unwomanly woman! If I werent an invalid, I'd kick him.

CHARTERIS
. Oh dont say that. It was I.

CRAVEN
[
reproachfully
] You! Now upon my soul, Charteris, this is very vexing. Now how could you bring yourself to do such a thing?