Playing My Love (32 page)

  Since I'd returned from London on New Year, my life had gradually improved little by little, day by day.  I remembered both Gray and Darcy with nothing but deep fondness, accepting that they'd both gone from my life for good.  It still hurt like hell, but the mourning was getting easier
to cope with every day.

  Darcy
had made no attempt to contact me since the polite letter declining her invitation to the funeral.  (Well, apart from a cheque in the post accompanied by a short note explaining she could no longer give me guitar lessons and to please accept the payment in exchange for the car.  I'd yet to cash the cheque.)  I knew I'd blown everything we'd built up the last year after the last night we'd spent together.  Despite being broken about Gray, her cold indifference toward me hadn't gone unnoticed and I'd seen the look on her face when I'd asked her to hold me.  She'd pursed her lips and almost recoiled before agreeing, and even then her embrace had lacked warmth and meaning.  After I got the cheque, I hadn't dared contact her for fear of her hanging up on me, or telling me to leave her alone and never to contact her again.  So I'd left it, and she'd left me.

  I reached town and parked up in the centre
. I planned on going for a walk around the park before all the white snow turned to mush, then getting myself a large coffee to warm myself through.  In no hurry I made my way through the gate, loving how the snow crunched under my boots.  I felt alive and happy, despite the fact this park held nothing but memories of Darcy for me.  After all, I'd met her here, and the only other times I'd returned here had been when I was with her.  But it wasn't with sadness that I was remembering her today.  I wanted to remember her in the same way that I remembered Gray as Doc.  I wanted to keep the image of her laughing and smiling in my head to try and push out the last ones I had of her, where her eyes were cold and guarded.  Funny how all those months' worth of happy memories were being beaten by that one last night.

  I heard laughter as I walked round a bend and saw a young couple on the ground, playing in the snow.  I smiled and carried on walking, but as I got closer I saw that it was two women, and as I got closer still my attention focused on the woman on top.  My legs stopped as all the air withdrew from my lungs.

 
Darcy
?

  I wanted to turn away, to back off and run before they
looked up and saw me, but I was completely frozen to the spot.  She looked happy.  She sounded happy.  And oh my god,
no
!  She was kissing the girl underneath, a tender lovers kiss.  I'm sure I actually felt my heart shatter, piercing all my internal organs with painful, bloodied shrapnel, and I gasped in a sharp breath of icy air.

  Get out of here.  Now!

  It was too late.  As the message finally reached my legs to move, the girl below Darcy glanced over and saw me, and a second later Darcy herself looked up, the smile dropping from her face in shock.  She rose unsteadily to her feet, keeping her eyes on me the whole time.

  Shit.  What do I do?  Do I go over, or just walk on by?

  The decision was made for me as the very attractive (and much younger) girl started walking toward me, a curious expression on her face.  I wondered if she knew who I was, and I tried to keep my face neutral.

  "Hi there.  You must be Alison"  she said in a pleasant southern American drawl, holding out her hand to me.  "I'm Sam."

  I shook her hand, hoping she couldn't tell how much I was shaking.  Of course it was Sam!  Who else would it have been?  The girl with the winter blue eyes.  I looked into them and was surprised to find that they were a very warm and friendly light blue, not cold and frosty as I'd expected.  (I even glanced up at the sky to compare the contrast!)  There were deep crinkles around them which could only be evidence of someone who smiled and laughed a lot, and she was smiling at me now, a wide, engaging, genuine smile.  I realised I hadn't said anything yet and cleared my throat.

  "Hi, it's a pleasure to meet you."  I paused and looked over her shoulder.  "Hello
, Darcy."

  "Hey"  she said softly, looking nervous.  "How have you been?"

  My mind went blank and decided to pluck random things out of thin air.

  "I've got a pet robin that I feed every day, which is nice.  Oh, and
Gray's headstone went up last month, so…"  My face burned as I struggled to think of something to say.  I could tell she really didn't want to be talking to me by the way she kept looking at Sam and fidgeting.  Then my eyes fell on Sam's left hand as she brushed her fringe out of her face.  "Oh!  Wow, you're engaged?"  I chirped with as much enthusiasm as I could find.

  "Yes, over Christmas"  she said, looking round at Darcy and smiling happily.

  "That's amazing news!  Congratulations to you both.  I wish you all the best.  Um, I really don't want to be rude, but I've got to go.  It was good seeing you both"  I said, backing away quickly to avoid any obligatory awkward hugging.

  "Okay, nice meeting you
, Alison."

  "Goodbye
, Alison."

  I hated that Sam had called me Alison, hated that Darcy hadn't cared enough to say more than ten words to me, and
hated
that they were engaged.  I walked swiftly away and when I knew I was definitely out of their sight, I jogged until it turned into a small run, not stopping until I reached my jeep.  Then, despite the heavy stream of tears flowing from my eyes, I drove straight home and threw myself back into bed, which is where I stayed for the next three days.

DARCY

  I could tell Alison had really not wanted to be talking to us.  She'd gone from looking totally awkward at having to make conversation, to genuinely happy (and almost relieved) that Sam and I were engaged.  Much as I wanted to believe it was all an act, I felt my heart cave in on itself, and as she practically ran away I had to resist the urge to chase her down.

  "Why did you do that?"  I asked Sam, harsher than I'd intended.

  "Do what?"  She turned to me, surprised at my tone.

  "Walk over and introduce yourself?"

  "I did it to show you I had no hard feelings toward her.  Why?  Should I have just ignored her?"  she asked, looking confused.

  "Yes.  I don't know.  Shit
, Sam, it was obviously going to be awkward, didn't you think?"

  "Hey, I'm sorry.  I didn't realise, okay?  I thought I was doing the right thing by being nice."

  "Well, just check with me next time."

  "Why are you so upset?"

  "Things between us ended on a bit of a bad note, that's all.  I just…can we just drop it please?"

  We walked side by side in silence for a while.

  "She still has feelings for you"  Sam stated quietly.

  "So?  It doesn't matter if she does, does it?"

  "Mm."  There was another long pause.  "I guess it doesn't matter…unless you still have feelings for her."

  "For god's sake
, Sam!  How many times do I have to tell you?  What more do I have to do to prove it to you?  I care about her, but I love
you
, I want to be with
you
, and I want to marry
you
.  Got it?"  I shouted angrily.  My outburst hit home and she looked shocked and hurt.  I regretted it instantly and tried to take her hand, but she pulled it free and walked off.  "Sam?  Sam, baby, please wait?"

  "No, Darcy, just leave me alone for a bit.  I'll meet you back home"  she called out
, sounding extremely upset.  I watched as she walked off in the opposite direction that Alison had gone, feeling torn.  No, I felt utterly wrought and confused.

  Everything had been going so well with Sam over the last five weeks and I thought I'd managed to put Alison behind me.  I'd been truly happy and we'd been talking about our future together excitedly, planning it all over again.  Sam had looked into getting a visa to live here in the UK with me, and we had mulled over the idea of getting married next year.  It had all seemed so right…until ten minutes ago.

  I suddenly found myself at the bench where it had all began, where I'd seen Alison smoking that stupid cigarette a year ago and looking lost and alone.  It was exactly how I felt right now.  I brushed the snow from it and sat down, needing to think very, very hard about my future, because whatever choice I made today was going to destroy a part of me either way.  I had to make a solid decision from which I knew there would be no going back.

                                                             
21

                                          Alternate Ending 1

  It was a good four hours before I returned back home.  I spent a good deal of that in the coffee shop, trying to find answers in the erratic chaos provided by caffeine
, but there were no more answers in the bottom of a mug than in the bottom of a bottle.

  I found Sam in the bedroom.

  Packing?

  "Oh no, no, no baby, what're you doing?"  I cried, running in and pulling clothes out of her hands.

  "I can't do this, Darcy.  I can't always be wondering if you're going to leave me for her.  I know you're still in love with her, I saw it all over your face!  You couldn't even hide it!"  she said, collapsing on the bed sobbing.

  "No, look, I've been trying to figure everything out, and I know now!  It's you I want, baby!  It's
always
been you!  Please just listen to me for a minute?"  I begged, falling to my knees at her feet.

  "I saw the way you looked at each other!  If I hadn't been there…"

  "Nothing would have happened!  Sam, I fell for Alison because I thought you and I were never going to see each other again.  I loved her in a completely different way to how I love you, and yes it was intense, but she's not you!  I'm sorry for how I reacted earlier, but it was a shock seeing her.  I haven't seen her since her husband died and I left without saying goodbye, but I've said goodbye to her now.  I'm ready to be with you, and let her go"  I pleaded desperately.  This hadn't been an easy decision to make, but I knew in my heart it was the right one and had felt relaxed the whole way home, like a weight had lifted from my shoulders.  I hadn't reckoned on walking in to find Sam about to leave me though, and if anything it had completely sealed the deal for me.  I couldn't lose her again.  Ever.

  "Darcy, it's too late.  I've already made my mind up."

  "Then you just un-make it!  I gave you that ring to prove how I felt and my feelings haven't changed.  I'll do anything, Sam,
anything
."  I said, in a bizarre re-enactment of my promise in the park earlier.  She gazed at me, wanting to believe it seemed, but I could see she was wary and I understood why.

  "Come with me to the States"  she said softly.

  "What, today?"

  She shook her head.

  "For good."

  And there it was, all cards on the table.  I'd just laid down my hand that I'd do anything to keep her and she was calling me on it, possibly to see if I was bluffing, but probably as a reassurance for her peace of mind.  Seconds ticked slowly
by.  I swallowed.

  "Okay.  Okay, I will."

                                           ONE YEAR LATER

  As I walked through the door of our apartment I felt extremely apprehensive, and I wondered if she would have done it without me.

  "
Sam?  Babe?  I'm home"  I called out, kicking off my shoes.  It had been a tough day at work, made tougher by knowing in the back of my mind what I would be coming home to.  I twirled my wedding band nervously as I went into the lounge.  She was stood by the window.

  "Hey, how was your day?"

  "It was okay"  I went and kissed her hello.  "So, did you…?"

  "No.  I was going to, but I couldn't!  I needed you here with me baby, it didn't feel right, you know?"  she babbled, then exhaled a long shaky breath.  "Jeez, my head's all over the place."

  I took her hand.

  "Come on, we'll go do it together.  You ready?"

  "Sure.  Let's do it!"

  We went to the bathroom, every now and then glancing at each other and giggling nervously.  I took the stick out of it
s wrapper and handed it to her, then sat on the edge of the tub reading every last written word on the box.  Three times.

  "Done"  she said, passing it to me.  The seconds crawled by slowly.  "If it's not…if I'm not, then, well…you know what, we can always just try again in a few months, right, I mean, it never works first time round, does it?"  she said, rubbing her palms against her jeans.

  "Yeah, I mean some couples try for years.  We should prepare for that, right?"  I replied, reading through the instructions again, even though it was quite simple really.  Two lines meant we were pregnant, one meant we weren't.