Playing for Kinley (Cruz Brothers Book 1) (39 page)

“No, that’s not what I’m saying!”

I was starting to panic.

This was not good.

“You think I’d hit you?” he asked, his voice cruel. “That I’d actually raise my hand to you? Is that what you think of me?”

“No! Of course not—”

“The way he used to hit my mom all the time?” he continued, backing me against the wall. “It wasn’t like he ever tried to hide it. We all saw. Sometimes he’d hit her so hard that he’d knock her unconscious for a few minutes. One time she fell and hit her head on the coffee table and didn’t wake up for a while. He refused to take her to the hospital. We thought she was dead.” He leaned in toward me, crowding me and blocking me in with his arms. “You think I’m capable of that?”

I wasn’t even sure when I’d started crying. Didn’t even realize I was until my vision started to blur through the tears. I didn’t recognize this Parker. He’d never showed me this side before. I assumed he never showed it to anyone. But as uneasy as it made me, I knew he would never hurt me.

This just made it even more apparent how long he’d kept all of this pain—this hurt—inside of him.

“I know you aren’t,” I whispered to him. His face didn’t soften, though. He didn’t show any reaction whatsoever to that.

He slowly shook his head at me, sneering condescendingly. “See? There’s no point in telling you everything. You already think the worst of me.”

My heart sank and I moved to touch his face, try to ease his anger, erase his doubts. “Parker, no. I—”

“I guess I should have just left you with everything else in my past, huh?”

Those words stopped my hand, freezing it in the air before my fingers reached his cheek. “What?”

“This was all just a waste of time, wasn’t it? Since I can never be what you need, there was no point in me coming back.”

“How can you say that?” I whispered, my heart breaking. “We love each other. How can you just give up on us like this?”

It was like I hadn’t even spoken. “You should probably be with someone like Ryan,” he said, his voice flat but lethal. “Born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Mommy and daddy giving him everything he could ever want. No problems to worry about aside from what to wear to the next cocktail party.”

“Is that what you think of me?” Again, no reaction from him. No answer. “That’s what you think of the way I grew up? That’s the only type of person you think I’d want to be with? Because you know me a lot better than that. Or you should.”

“You can’t imagine the problems I had to deal with,” he grated out. “You never wanted for anything. Food, clothing, it was all given to you. We lived day-to-day, never knowing what would be waiting for us at home. Crumbs in the cupboard, blood on the floor, no electricity because he hadn’t paid the bill. You have
no idea
.”

I leaned forward and got in his face. “You’re right, I don’t know. But I would if you would explain it to me, tell me about it. I can’t imagine any of it because you’ve never shared it with me! You can’t expect someone to understand if they don’t know.”

“I don’t want anyone to understand,” he retorted. “I don’t want them to know. That’s the point.”

My breath stuttered and the tears kept coming. “Even me?”

He stepped away, lowering his arms to his sides. “Especially you.”

He couldn’t have chosen more painful words. If he wanted to kick me out of his place, push me out of his life, he was doing a wonderful job.

“Well.” I swallowed around my dry mouth. “I guess you’re right. That is it then.”

I moved around him and walked over to my suitcase by the door. I hadn’t yet taken it up to the bedroom which made this more convenient, though no less heartbreaking. I grabbed it and moved toward the door, every step harder to take than the last. I glanced over my shoulder, affording myself one final view. I saw some sort of emotion briefly flash over his face, but he pushed it away just as quickly.

“I’ll get out of your life,” I said, my voice cracking. I was struggling to hold back the sobs I wanted to release. “I wouldn’t want to push you into anything that you don’t want.”

I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I always would. But I couldn’t force the words out. Somehow, I just knew they would make walking out that much harder.

But the words were still there in my head and in my heart, even as I shut the door behind me.

Kinley

My mind was in a fog after I left his place, my thoughts wandering in a million different directions and nowhere at the same time. There was one prevailing memory, however, that stood out above everything else. Something that had never really left me.

As I recalled it—the last time Parker had shattered my heart and left me to pick up the pieces—I got a horrible sense of déjà vu.

I sped home in my car, being as carefully reckless as possible as I steered down the streets through our neighborhood. I had to get home quickly so I could change and touch up my hair and makeup if I wanted to meet Parker at our spot on time.

He was making a surprise trip home from Altoona, Pennsylvania where he’d been playing AA ball for the Pittsburgh Pirates affiliate club since May. He said he wanted to meet me at our usual spot in the meadow that we loved so much.

I was pretty sure he hadn’t told anyone he was coming since we’d been keeping our relationship a secret all summer. Sneaking around, hiding from everyone was half the fun. The other half was getting to be with Parker by myself. Without Clay or my parents or any of the college girls that so often followed him around. I felt so insignificant compared to them. They were all beautiful, built college girls, while I was now a skinny, B-chested high school senior.

But when Parker looked at me and told me that I was the most gorgeous girl he’d ever seen, I knew none of those other girls even existed to him. And when he’d called to tell me that he was coming to see me today, I just about jumped out of my skin.

He’d been so busy lately with his games that it felt like we’d hardly seen each other at all. He only lived about three hours away, but he might as well have been halfway across the country with the limited amount of time he could spare away from the team.

The AA team fed directly into the Pirates and he couldn’t have been more excited when he’d gotten the news. And I couldn’t have been more proud of him. I also couldn’t deny how happy I’d been when I was the first person he’d called to tell. Ever since he’d first kissed me in April and he’d gotten called up to the minors in May, he’d been making every possible effort to come visit. And we talked on the phone constantly.

But since school was now getting ready to start back up for me, I wanted to make sure we got as much time together as possible. So I was absolutely going to take advantage of this impromptu trip he was making.

I had also recently put in for early acceptance at Boston College. They had an amazing photography program, and I couldn’t wait to talk to Parker about it. I hadn’t gotten in yet but I felt like my chances were pretty good.

I whipped my car into our driveway and sprinted into the house and up the stairs, waving off my mom as I passed her coming out of the kitchen. “Sorry, can’t talk now, Mom! Got to go meet Cammie to finalize our schedules for the semester!” Cammie had pretty much been my excuse all summer when I wanted to go meet up with Parker.

“Wait!” she yelled, making me stop at the top of the stairs to turn and look down at her. “I just wanted to know if lasagna was okay for dinner.”

“Sure. Whatever you want to make is great!” I ran off to my room and shut the door behind me, not caring if I ate anything for the rest of the day.

I could survive solely from the sight of Parker, I’d recently discovered.

I quickly changed into a light summer dress—green, the color he said he liked on me best—and applied a hint of makeup. I’d been out taking pictures when he called, which meant I was in comfortable clothes, hair up in a messy bun, and absolutely no makeup on. He said I didn’t need it anyway, but I still put on a little of mascara and just a dash of eyeshadow to highlight my green irises. Luckily, when I let my hair down, I was able to finger-comb through the tresses and make it presentable enough without doing anything extra to it.

Then, I was out the door again, telling my mom I would be back later for dinner. Depending on how the visit with Parker went I could very well be late, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.

The butterflies in my stomach were multiplying with every second that passed as I made my way over to the meadow. I longed for these moments with him, as few and precious as they were. I hoped with all my heart that he would feel comfortable enough one day to explain all of this to Clay and my parents so we wouldn’t have to hide it anymore.

Because no matter how often he told me otherwise, a part of me always felt that he was ashamed of me. Like he didn’t want everyone to know that a big shot AA ball player was dating a seventeen-year-old high school senior.

I could see why he might have been embarrassed.

I turned onto the dead-end street where I usually parked my car. After pulling it over to the side and locking it up, I navigated along the footpath we’d formed over the last several months and eventually came to the clearing that we referred to as our meadow. Nobody lived down the dead-end street where I parked, and we’d never seen another soul out here so we were never worried about getting caught.

When I stepped out of the wooded area, I saw him standing underneath the big tree we often lazed and napped under during the many summer afternoons we’d spent together.

My breath caught and it was an immediate reflex to smile at the sight of him. I walked over, watching as he paced under the tree, hands shoved in his pockets as he kicked at the dirt on the ground and the bark on the tree. He seemed agitated. He was probably just stressed, I told myself. He had a busy life now, so maybe he was just having a bad day.

I could fix that for him.

He finally saw me when I was about five feet away and his reaction mirrored mine. A bright, beaming smile spread across his face. But then it suddenly changed, faded slightly, and I could now tell that it was causing him effort to keep it on his face.

I didn’t understand that.

He’d never looked at me that way before.

I told myself it was nothing as I closed the distance between us and wound my arms around his neck. “Hi,” I said against his mouth.

“Hey,” he replied with the same weird smile.

When I brought my lips up to his, he responded for only a second before closing himself off to me and pulling back. “We need to talk.”

I wanted to believe that what he had to say was good news, but if his face was anything to go by, I didn’t need to get my hopes up.

Then, it hit me.

What if he’d gotten called up to the AAA team in Indianapolis? That would be amazing for him, but the added distance would definitely suck. I wanted that so much for him, though, so I told myself to stop being selfish and be happy for him if that were the case.

“Okay,” I said slowly. “What’s going on?” I tried to pull him down to sit beside me against the tree like we always did, but he kept his hand on my wrist, keeping me in place. His behavior was starting to freak me out.

He took a deep breath, rubbed his hands down his face, and then stared at the space over my shoulder, refusing to look me in the eyes. “I got a call the other day. They’re bringing me up…to the majors. I’m going to be a Pittsburgh Pirate.”

Elation swarmed over me and I leapt into his arms. “Oh my God! Parker, that’s amazing! Congratulations! I’m so proud of you!”

He squeezed me tightly to him as he let out a brief laugh—though it sounded rough—and then abruptly released me. I anticipated more of a reaction from him, but I was still smiling when he stepped away from me.

“I guess I expected you to go to AAA before the majors,” I told him, barely able to contain my excitement. “They’re just bringing you straight up, huh?”

A smile played at the corners of his mouth but he contained it. “Yeah, I guess they were impressed enough to call me all the way up.”

“Have you told anyone else yet?”

He shook his head. “No. I wanted you to be the first to know.” My heart soared at hearing that. I loved being that important to him. Then, that feeling faded a little with his next words. “But there’s a reason for wanting to tell you first.”

“What do you mean? What reason?”

My stomach turned over as a sense of impending doom suddenly clouded the atmosphere between us. I was getting a horrible feeling that this conversation wasn’t going to go the way I wanted.

He sighed. He sounded miserable but resigned. “I can’t see you anymore, Kin. Not like this.”

No.

This was exactly what I’d been fearing all summer. That he would eventually get bored with a silly high school girl who couldn’t even get into bars and leave me for some supermodel type.

“Why? I don’t understand.”

He gripped the back of his neck and then waved his hand in the air like the answer should have been staring me in the face. “I’m getting called up, which means things are going to change for me. I’m going to be on the road all the time, going from one game to the next. I won’t have a lot of free time to come down and see you.”

“I can come to your games, the ones in Pittsburgh,” I insisted. “We can work out getting to see each other. We do it now well enough. We don’t have to break up.”

The look on his face was one of sympathy and regret and the knot around my stomach tightened further. “It’s going to be completely different than it is now.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” I rushed to say.

“But it does,” he shot back. “Things are changing for both of us and maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. I’m accomplishing all of my goals and you’re on your way to achieving yours. You’re going to start college next fall and things are going to change for you, too. You’ll meet new people, experience new places and new things. Maybe we need to be apart to allow ourselves to appreciate those things.”

“So, you’re moving on to bigger and better things and the first thing you do is get rid of me?” The laugh I released had a distinct edge to it. “I guess it makes sense. To keep your options open, you know. Now that you’re going to be a famous baseball player. Why would you want a little girl like me holding you back, right?”

“It’s
me
who doesn’t want to hold
you
back, Kin,” he said firmly. I snorted sarcastically but he continued. “I don’t want you waiting for me, putting your life on hold and missing out on the things you should be enjoying because of me. You want to see the world and I want that for you. I couldn’t stand it if you gave up opportunities to do that just so you could be with me.”

That incensed me more than I’d expected it to. “Who says I would? I’m not the type of girl who would throw her entire life away for a guy, Parker. I would never do that and I know that you would never ask me to. I can still live out my dreams and be with you.”

Now, that sympathetic look of his turned to one of pity and I couldn’t bear to see it. “I know you,” he said. “You would sacrifice more than you think you would. And by the time you realized what you’d done, it would be too late and you’d resent me for it.”

I put my hands on my hips and faced him down, suddenly feeling years older than my age. “You don’t know all of that. You don’t know what I would do. And besides, isn’t all of that my decision? It’s my life, Parker, so I’m free to go down whatever path I choose. And if that path ends up not being the one I planned, that’s my problem and I would deal with it. But I would never blame you.”

“You say that now, but you’re only seventeen. You don’t know what you want yet.”

He knew I hated it when he used my age as a crutch for anything, when he knocked me down a few pegs just because I was four years younger than him. Seventeen or not, high school or not, it didn’t mean that I didn’t know myself. Those were just numbers.

I knew how I felt about Parker and I didn’t need a birthdate to convince me otherwise.

“Don’t do that,” I spat. “Don’t hold my age against me. You know that’s bullshit and that it has nothing to do with us. I may be younger than you, but I know when something is real.” I waited until he met my eyes again. “This is real, Parker.
We
are real. I know you can see that.”

His forehead creased and he closed his eyes for several seconds before opening them again. “First love can make people feel like it’s something more than it really is. You might believe that your feelings are powerful now, but in a couple of years, you’ll probably meet some guy in college and fall in love with him. And your feelings for me would fall short in comparison.”

He blew out a heavy breath and his hands fisted at his sides. “Bottom line, Kin. I don’t want you to be waiting around for me all the time. Missing me when I’m gone, upset that I didn’t get a chance to call you, more upset when I can’t spend enough time with you. You deserve more than that. You deserve more than
me
.”

I tried to control my reaction, tried to hide it. But my body wouldn’t listen to my brain, and I did the very thing I didn’t want to do. I cried in front of him. The tears streaked down my face and his eyes tracked every single one. It was almost as if he wanted to see me cry, needed to see the pain he’d caused me so that he would maintain firm in his decision to leave me.

“I can’t believe you’re saying this,” I whispered.

His head lowered like he was ashamed of himself. “I’m sorry, Kin.”