Playing for Kinley (Cruz Brothers Book 1) (38 page)

I leaned forward and slapped him once on the shoulder, holding his gaze. “Really, bro. Thanks for being the uptight hardass that you are. Me and the brooding bad boy wonder over here have needed it.”

Mason wasn’t laughing anymore. “Screw you, asshole. If he’s uptight and I’m brooding, what the hell are you?”

I shrugged and flashed the smile that had been in countless magazines and newspapers over the years. “The heartthrob.”

Mason groaned and shook his head. Dawson pointed at him. “You asked. I blame that on you. You can’t set him up like that.”

I laughed and finally felt my body start to relax a little. I figured I could even manage to stuff down a few wings, so I loaded up my plate with half honey barbecue and half Asian zing.

For the next two hours, we watched sports on the bar’s TVs, ate more wings, drank more beer, and actually had enjoyable conversations, despite the emotional shit storm that was hovering over our table.

I wasn’t going to let myself open the can of worms that was my past. Because there was really nothing to open. It was all locked away and I’d hidden the key somewhere, sometime years ago. Just because my father’s death seemed to be on the horizon did not mean that I had to go looking for that key and dredge up the kind of horrors that no child should ever have to endure.

Dying or not, I’d said goodbye to that man a long time ago.

Kinley

I couldn’t concentrate on anything, not with whatever was going on between me and Parker. Things had been off between us since the All-Star game, but things had worsened over the past week. And I didn’t know if it was because of me or something I did, or if it had to do with another matter altogether.

Not that Parker was telling me anything either way.

He’d almost completely shut me out.

He’d become distant and non-communicative at times when we were on the phone. I didn’t even think he realized he was doing it because when I did mention it, he apologized and said it was nothing but then kept right on doing it.

As much as I hated to admit it, Ryan’s words from that night he was at my apartment when I was sick were echoing in my head. Had Parker lost interest in me? Had he found someone else? Had this whole week been a prelude to him dumping me?

I wasn’t proud of myself for those thoughts but he hadn’t been convincing me otherwise. He’d given no reason or excuse for his behavior, but I knew him well enough to know that he was hiding something from me.

And this weekend, I was damn well going to find out what it was. His next two series were in Boston and I had made sure to block out some time from work so I could stay here with him, give us some much needed alone time.

If he was dumping me, he was going to be a man about it and do it to my face. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t fight him on it, though, because I probably would. I wasn’t going to let him throw our relationship—our future—away without convincing me that he had a good reason. And I really didn’t think that he had been cheating on me. Sure, he probably got five million offers for sex a week, but it just wasn’t in his nature to treat me that way.

All women thought they knew it about their men, but I was absolutely positive that Parker wasn’t the cheating type.

Yet I still found myself worrying about our relationship as I rang the doorbell to his place. He answered a few seconds later with a tight smile. He had on an old t-shirt and jeans covered in sawdust, so I knew he was doing some type of work around the house.

He gave me a quick peck on the lips as I walked through the door and it felt wrong. He never kissed me like that, close-mouthed and chaste. His kisses were always passionate and devouring.

Where was
my
Parker at?

Who was
this
guy and why was he infiltrating our relationship?

“Have a good flight?” he asked with his back to me as he headed toward the dining area.

“Yeah, it was alright. I got patted down at security again. Broke my own record.”

“Mmhmm,” was all he said as he went back to working on whatever he was constructing with the pieces of wood covering the dining room floor.

Okay, I was getting tired of this. He was barely even listening and me getting patted down by security had been a running joke with us for months because I was pretty sure that I got selected for it more than any other person in the world.

And he had not one word to say about it.

I swallowed down my frustration. For now. “You hungry?”

“Uhh…yeah, I could eat.” He couldn’t have sounded less enthusiastic if he tried.

I went to the kitchen and studied the contents of his fridge and pantry, searching for fresh ingredients and considering my options. He had some fresh shrimp and vegetables, so I figured I could mix that up with some rice and green onions, pour some soy sauce over it and call it good.

I tried to make conversation with him while I cooked but it was a wasted effort. I’d always known that Parker wasn’t a very open person with his emotions or about his family situation but this was just ridiculous. Neglecting the people who cared most about you when you were dealing with something was no way to live. And he’d been living that way for too long.

I couldn’t let it continue.

Regardless of our relationship, it just wasn’t healthy for him.

Somehow, I had to get him to open up.

We ate mostly in silence at the kitchen counter, with me glancing over at him every three seconds while he kept his concentration focused on his bowl of food. After I’d emptied my bowl of almost all my food and still hadn’t gotten more than two words from him, I dropped my fork.

“What’s going on, Parker?”

“What do you mean?”

I sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to make this easy. “Don’t play that game with me. When we got together, you promised me that we would always be straight with each other. You said we couldn’t keep things from one another if we wanted to make this work. I know you better than anyone, so I know there’s something you’re not telling me and I can’t pretend to ignore it anymore. What’s wrong?”

I didn’t expect an answer so soon but I got one. And it crushed me. “My father’s dying.”

I actually felt my chest cave in with the emotional blow that hit me with. “Oh my God, Parker. I’m so sorry.” I raised my hand to his arm, trying to offer comfort but knew it probably wouldn’t do much good.

I had never even met the man and I knew he was evil, but I still felt tears spring to my eyes. Not for him, but for Parker. For whatever he was going through, whatever grief he was feeling, no matter if he acknowledged it or not. It all made sense to me now, though. The news must have brought back a whole mess of memories and emotions for him that he didn’t know what to do with or how to handle. None of which I was able to understand because he’d never shared them with me.

My guess was that he didn’t know if he should be sad or relieved with this news. And my heart broke for him.

It was obvious that he was in pain. A lot of it.

“You don’t need to be sorry for me,” he said in a low, dark voice that gave me pause. “I realized a long time ago that I don’t have a father. The man who’s dying is simply a broken man who not only preferred his drink to his family, but who took out all of his anger on the only people who cared enough to love him once.”

Again, I tried to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off to stand up and pace the room. I knew he was in pain but I couldn’t deny that his gesture hurt me.

“Why haven’t you talked to me about this?” Because it was obvious that he’d known this information for at least a week.

He shot me a look but kept pacing. “You didn’t need to know. The man hasn’t been a part of my life for years. I don’t want my fucked up past to be a burden for you to bear, any more than I want it to be one for me. And that man
is
my past.”

I was sure my face reflected the state of bewilderment that statement put me in. “I’m your girlfriend, Parker, and you didn’t want me to know your father was dying?”

I knew he heard the hurt in my voice because he flinched, just enough for me to see before he turned away from me again. “I didn’t want any of that shit to touch you, Kin. All of that is bad. Too fucking bad and you’re good. How can I, in good conscience, dump all of that at your feet? When we got together, I never expected you to take on this part of me, too. I still don’t.”

“But this
is
you whether you like it or not,” I pushed, standing up to face him. “Your past has made you who you are today, just like mine made me who I am. I want to share this with you because I love you and I’m here for you. I don’t know everything that happened in your childhood because you never wanted to tell me, but I know that it was dark. And even without knowing the details, I would never have gotten involved with you if that in any way bothered me.”

His face was like hard steel. “You don’t know all the stories. The truth would bother you, I promise.”

I stepped toward him and he immediately took a step back. Okay, I knew I needed to give him his space. This was the most he’d ever opened up to me about his past, and I didn’t want to ruin it by pushing him too far, too fast.

“No matter what you tell me, it won’t change the way I feel about you.”

He shook his head forcefully. “You don’t know that. You have no idea.”

“Yes, I do,” I insisted, raising my voice a little in my frustration. “You can’t try to change my mind, Parker. I’m not going anywhere. Because I know that when you love someone and they’re hurting, you don’t just turn away from them. You don’t leave when they need you.”

I hadn’t meant for it to come out that way but it had and it stopped Parker in his tracks. We both knew how close to home that statement had hit. And from the way he was looking at me, I was guessing he was taking offense to it.

“Really, Kin? You’re going to throw that in my face now? I thought we had gotten past that.”

Well, I’d already put it out there. Might as well air out all of our dirty laundry now. “It’s not like we ever talked about it. About what really happened back then and why. It’s not just your family that you don’t talk about. You don’t open up about anything personal, you never have. How are we supposed to have a meaningful relationship if you can’t talk about what’s going on inside your head?”

It was his turn to raise his voice. “Why does it bother you so much that I’m not the emotional type?”

“You don’t have to be the emotional type. Just tell me
something
,
anything
. Because when you don’t and I see how much something like this bothers you, it hurts me. It hurts that you don’t trust me enough to help you, comfort you. Or at the very least listen without judgment. You should be able to trust me with your feelings and you don’t. It makes me question things.”

His body went rigid and his eyes darkened. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

The anger I saw on his face made me squirm. “I just…we just can’t have a future together if you don’t talk to me. You’ve been bothered by something since I missed the All-Star game but you won’t tell me. And this past week, you’ve almost completely ignored me, shut me out. I can’t deal with that every time something happens in your life. It’s not fair to me.”

His brow furrowed in both annoyance and confusion. “How is it not fair to
you
?”

“Because you’re not giving me all of you. Don’t you see that? Whatever you’re feeling right now, whatever’s been going on with you ever since you learned about your father…it’s part of you. And if we’re going to be in this together, then I deserve every part of you, the good and the bad. Anything else isn’t giving me or our relationship enough credit.”

He was quiet for a few moments and when he eventually spoke, his voice was dangerously low. “And what if I can’t give you all of me?”

Pain sliced through my chest, the question cutting me to the bone. “You can. You just haven’t tried.”

He met my eyes, the grave look in his scaring me. “What if I can’t, Kinley?”

He was baiting me, wanting me to say it so he could push me away. I knew him too well to let him play this game with me again. I shook my head at him. “I need you to.”

He seemed to know what that meant as he slowly nodded his head, a decision forming in his eyes. “Well, I guess that’s it then,” he whispered, his voice cracking.

My heart stopped, blood turning to ice. “What do you mean?”

“I guess we have nothing more to discuss. You want something I can’t give you, so what’s the point in dragging this out any longer?”

He walked past me toward the living room, his stride long and heavy. I followed him, starting to feel desperate. “What are you talking about? All I want is for you to share things with me. Why is that so hard? You’d really end everything between us over something like that? Because you’re not even willing to
try
?”

He was walking away from me, his demeanor suggesting that he had already made up his mind.

This can’t be happening.

“That’s not who I am,” he replied with his back still facing me. “I’ll never be that person. I’ll deal with things in my own way, like I always have.”

“And that way’s not healthy!” I yelled, grabbing his arm and forcing him to turn around and look at me. “You can’t always keep everything bottled up. Eventually, it’s going to drive you crazy and you’re going to look for other ways to deal with it, in places that are even more unhealthy.”

I watched as his entire face drained of blood and his eyes went flat. He slowly raised his hand and released my fingers from around his arm, dropping them as soon as they were no longer touching him.

“What exactly are you saying?” Whatever voice he was using, it sure as hell wasn’t Parker’s. It was cold, with a finality that felt like an ax to my heart.

“I’m just saying that you don’t even realize how badly you’re hurting yourself now. After a while, you’re going to start hurting yourself in other ways before you even know what you’re doing.”

“You’re saying I’m going to end up like
him
,” he said slowly, evenly. “Like my father.”

What?
“No. That’s not what I said. I know you’re not like him.”

Fury sparked in his eyes, making him look wild. “But you’re saying that I’ll eventually end up like him if I don’t deal with whatever issues you think I have. You’re saying that I’ll turn to alcohol just like he did. That I’ll turn violent, too?”