Playing Fate (Endgame Series Book 1) (24 page)

“Douglas!” Coach Gill hollers as I board the bus. I descend the steps and walk to where he stands with Mason and Caden.

“Sir?”

“Hell of a game, Son. I haven’t seen that fire since your junior year of high school when I started scouting you. You three should have moved up and played majors.”

“I wish they would have.” They’re locked into three years at college level . . . MLB guidelines stipulate they became ineligible for draft when we started school. We signed to a four-year college and have to complete three years or turn twenty-one. I begged them to follow their dreams, and I’d be fine, but none of us were ready to quit playing together.

“Just wanted to tell y’all I was impressed. Way to start the season. Undefeated at home and on the road. Five down, fifty one to go, then conference, boys.” His attitude brings me pride . . . and regret because I won’t be here to revel in the celebration.

“Thank you, Coach,” we all mumble. As hard as we work, we all get humble when we’re praised. It’s surreal, this feeling of accomplishment, and I don’t want to give it up.

The bus is silent for the trip back. I can’t sleep. I can’t silence my mind. We arrive back with time to attend classes. It isn’t mandatory after a travel day, but I may as well go. I rush home and shower, knowing after class I’ll just want to get Julie. We have a game tomorrow night and a light practice this evening, but I want my princess.

Instead of entering the building where my class is, I bypass it and find myself staring at the field. The scent of clay, the aroma of freshly cut grass, and the chalky essence from the lines freshly painted. It all feels like home. This is where I’ve always belonged. The place I can shut the world out and just be.

Calm.

Still.

Dominating.

A kid who just plays ball.

A kid who loves playing just ball.

Not a teen dad.

Not in love with a girl who runs more than she stays planted.

Not contemplating his entire future staring at a baseball diamond.

“Did you find it?” Caden joins me at the fence, watching the workers dust off and reset the bases.

“Find what?”

“Whatever you’re looking for. Whatever will calm that inner turmoil swirling in you.”

“Nah, man. I think it’s as lost as I will be without the game.”

“I think it’s located two doors down from you. Just as miserable and wandering through life as you.”

“Caden,” I warn.

“No. I gave you what you wanted. I haven’t said shit to her. She still thinks you’re with Adriane. I haven’t told her the truth when it’s obvious she’s sinking in her version of it. I know she hurt you, but she hurt herself just as much. The broken pieces she worked hard to put together, you’ve become the missing piece.”

“I hear you. I understand. What you don’t understand is the commitment I made to Julie the second I held her. I knew Adriane didn’t want her. I knew she was going to leave. I swore I’d never let that affect Julie. I swore I wouldn’t let someone walk out of her life again. Saylor did. I broke a promise to my daughter, and I refuse to do it again. I can’t. I do that, I become like the man who broke Saylor.”

“Fuck.” He grips the chain link fence and mimics my stance. Staring over the dirt that’s become a part of us. Staring at the empty stands where our names are chanted. Staring at the emptiness that once held our dreams and our answers.

“I don’t want to give it up,” I admit.

“We’ll figure a way,” he promises.

“You and Mason gave up so much already. This isn’t your burden.”

“It’s not yours either. It’s your daughter.”

“She isn’t a burden. Ever. But she is a responsibility. One I love. One I wouldn’t trade.”

“So when she gets older, you can tell her you quit for her. Way not to burden or guilt her.”

“Fuck,” I whisper.

“We’ll figure it out,” he reminds me.

“We’ll figure it out,” I agree.

Every fucking day I have to hear Lee Lee gabbing with her. The phone seems permanently attached to her ear when I’m near. Discussing Julie, discussing plans they have, discussing the life that should be mine.

“Adriane, the pictures are so cute. I can’t believe you and Julie dressed alike, and Deacon looks so happy.” I try to ignore Emberlee’s conversation, but she’s loud. I turn the music up, and I can still hear her yammering. “She said Mama? Did you cry? I’m so happy for y’all.” It’s like she’s standing directly outside of my door. I throw my pillow and jump off my bed. I’ve had enough. Swinging my door open, she’s standing there.

The smirk staining her face tells me what I suspected. She’s doing this on purpose. “I gotta go. Talk to you later.” She smiles as she hangs up.

“Fuck you, Emberlee. I get it. You’re happy their family is intact. Believe it or not, I am, too. Julie deserves the best. But to stand outside my room, gloating as you talk to your friend is wrong. What are you trying to prove?”

For months I’ve endured this torture. I’m at my breaking point. “Just reminding you. Wouldn’t want you going back begging Deacon for a chance.”

“Does it bother you so bad I’m friends with them? Would it make you happy if I cut all ties?” I don’t know what else to do.

“Yes. It would thrill me.” I suck in a breath, shocked that her words still hurt me.

“Three months, Emberlee. We have three months until school is done, and I’m gone.” I slam the door in her face and drop face down bouncing against the mattress, allowing my pillow to catch the tears that don’t seem to stop flowing.

“Come on, Shortstop. You’re wasting away.”

“Don’t you have a game?” I need Mason and Caden to leave me alone.

“I’m taking you to the gym.” I groan as Mason drags me up. “It’ll do you good. You can hit stuff. Kick things. Need me to get a few pictures for motivation?”

“No. I’m good.” Their words, their faces are burned into my brain. “I don’t want to go.”

“I’m not giving you a choice.” So it begins. Mason has me at the campus gym every day. He teaches me how to throw a punch, he shows me different kicks, none of which I’ve mastered. He pushes me, he heckles me, and I don’t give him what he’s looking for.

“Shortstop, what can I do?”

“Let me heal.” He nods.

“Let’s go.” Caden storms into the gym area.

“Where?” Mason asks.

“Not you, dickhead. You had your shot, you didn’t fix her.”

“I’m not a wind-up toy,” I remind them.

“Might as well be, shorty.” Mason winks at me. “She’s all yours.” He’s given up after six days. Maybe I should revoke his man card.

“Where are we going?” They’ve been great in accepting the distance I keep from Deacon, but I still have to make sure.

“Hiking.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me? What part of this workout did you think I liked? What makes you think I want to add more exercise to my routine?”

“I’ll buy you an ice cream.” I’m surrendering to his bribery.

“Double scoop?” I push my luck.

“Yes.” He pouts. Baseball season is in full-swing, and they can’t
pollute their bodies with junk.
More for me.

Our drive is silent. He stops at River Boulevard and drags me from the car. I follow him as he sets the pace. “What is this supposed to accomplish?”

“Just wait, grasshopper. If this doesn’t work, we’re shit outta luck, and I’m gonna start crushing happy pills and put them in your ice cream.” I think he’s joking.

I huff and puff as I follow him along this path, climb a few hills, and curse the burn in my leg. “I’m not training for a marathon,” I remind him.

“We’re here.” He stops at a small bridge. “Go for it.”

“For what? Want me to catch our dinner?” He laughs.

“No. Scream. Let it go.”

“You’re crazy.” To prove my point, he shouts. It echoes across the water, and he belts another one.

“Your turn.” I look at him skeptically. “I promise you’ll feel better.” I have nothing to lose, except my dignity if we get arrested for disturbing the peace. I open my mouth and scream. “That’s all you have.” Now he’s pushing my buttons.

I shout.

I scream.

I holler into the nothingness.

My throat stings. My eyes prickle with unshed tears. I keep going. Each sound I emit releases some of the pain I’ve stored in my body. I still have the regret. Not for him. Not for loving them. The regret of losing them. As my voice cracks, I drop to my knees, the concrete unyielding as I sob.

Each tear releases a knot in my stomach.

Each wracking sob lessens the vice grip on my heart.

Caden stands and lets me do what I need. I don’t know how long I’ve been kneeling, but I’m lifted in his arms, too exhausted to stand. “Better?”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

“Anytime. We miss you.”

“I’m not coming back next year.” He trips and closes his eyes as he stops walking.

“Saylor, don’t.”

“I can’t, Caden. It hurts too much. I miss him. I miss Julie. I miss everything. For the life of me, I can’t get any of it back. I can’t have you and Mason without him. I can’t have Avery without him. I can’t have any of you without him.”

“Fuck.” His pain is laced in that word.

“I hate Emberlee. I hate Adriane. I hate them both, but I hate her for leaving and coming back, for ripping everything from me. That makes me a horrible person because I’m wishing Julie’s mom didn’t exist.” He doesn’t say a word. His steps are purposeful until we’re at the car. He slams his door after situating me. “You need to go scream?”