Played (3 page)

I loved my classes, all except the math.
Most of all I loved the English class. My heart continued to pound each time my
sexy professor walked into the room. When he called on me in class, I had to
gather myself to quell the excitement as I attempted to impress him with my
insights. Every time he said, "Well done, Miss Nielsen," I
practically swooned.

Before I screwed up my courage to join the
circle of groupies around him and try to catch his attention, it was time for
fall break, and a visit home. I was nervous about what everyone would think of
my physical transformation. Instead of the demure blue-eyed blonde-with-a-braid
that had left in jeans and a plaid shirt, Russ and Charity would find me in
second-hand but artfully-layered campus wardrobe, my hair eighteen inches
shorter, layered and swinging in waves around my face. I'd even started wearing
just a little makeup, usually just some mascara to make my almost-invisible
blonde eyelashes visible and some neutral-pink lip gloss.

Even more than my nerves, though, I
suddenly missed Grace. It had been fun not having to worry about who would
watch her if I wanted to get out of the house, and the time had passed quickly
with all the new experiences. Now I wondered if she had mastered potty training
yet, if she missed me, and how many new words she'd learned. I longed for her
sweet, chubby little arms around my neck, and her baby voice with 'mommy' on
her lips.

Fall break was a full week, so I'd be back
at the ranch for most of six days, and then we were coming back early so Russ
could buy me a car. He said it would save him and Charity from having to come
pick me up for every long weekend once their new baby was born, and that I'd
want to branch out where I could go now that I was comfortable on-campus. I
didn't think it was necessary to tell him I'd been off-campus plenty of times with
Rihanna, even going as far as Ogden with her for a weekend visit to her
parents' home.

I wasn't at all disappointed in Charity's
and Russ's reaction to my new look. Russ's mouth dropped before he snapped it
shut to say "Wow!" Charity clapped her hand over her mouth and tears
started in her eyes.

"Charity, what's wrong? Don't you like
it?" I cried.

"Oh, Janey, honey, it's
glorious!" she answered. "These are happy tears. You look so young
and carefree. I love what you've done with your hair, and don't you look
stylish?"

"Rihanna helped me," I confessed,
pleased with the compliments. "Do you really like it?"

"I really love it. I may get mine cut
like that," she answered, earning a frown from Russ. I hurried to say
something to forestall an argument. They could sort out their disagreements in
private.

"I can't wait to see what the other
girls think, and do you think Gracie will remember me?" I babbled.

"Of course she will, honey, she's not
a little baby. She asks for you all the time, and we show her your picture.
Russ, why don't we ever Facetime with Janey? How long have you had your hair
that way, Janey? We'd have known long ago that you got it cut!"

Russ couldn't get a word in to answer, and
there was no adequate answer anyway. But I was glad they hadn't Facetimed me, I
wanted to see their reactions in person.

"About a month, maybe five
weeks," I answered. "Can we go? I'm super excited to see
Gracie."

When we pulled in at the ranch, it was
nearly eleven p.m., and my baby girl was long since asleep. I had to content
myself with gazing at her in her little bed, looking like an angel with her
tangle of blonde curls. We were lucky; all of our kids took after us instead of
Jed, who was dark-haired. I risked a soft kiss on Gracie's forehead, and then
went to bed myself, though I thought I wouldn't sleep. I was wrong, though. The
next thing I knew, a piping voice was saying the most beautiful word in the
world: Mommy!

"Hi, baby, come give mommy a
hug," I said sleepily. I had to help her climb up into the tall bed, but
soon I was snuggled with Gracie, and she was talking as fast as she could about
her toys, a puppy, her little brother Enoch and loving me. All I could do was
laugh and hug her. I'm sure I didn't get half of what she was telling me, but
just her presence filled me with joy. I buried my face in her curls and inhaled
baby shampoo scent.

"I missed you, Gracie," I told
her.

"Mithed you, mommy. I love you,"
she said. If it got any better than that, I could die happy right then.

"Shall we go get some breakfast?"
I asked her.

"Bickits," she said, with a
toothy grin.

"We'll see if Janet made biscuits.
What about pancakes, would you eat some pancakes if that's what Janet made?"

"Bickits," she insisted. I
wondered if she'd throw a fit if there were no biscuits. I knew from watching
the others' kids that the terrible twos gave way to the terrorist threes, and I
had another year or so of that before I could count on a sweet four-year-old.
Reflecting that being a part-time mom for this phase wasn't all bad, I got up
and got us dressed, then went in search of breakfast.

We were late for the communal breakfast,
but to my relief, Janet had biscuits, along with sausage gravy and eggs that,
because I was late, were cooked to my order. I promptly asked for poached,
because when she was feeding two and a half dozen people Janet couldn't manage
that, so poached was a rare treat. The homey aromas from Janet's kitchen filled
me with nostalgia though I'd only been gone for six weeks or so.

"Janet, I love the way your kitchen
smells," I told her. That's when she actually looked at me for the first
time, and let out a shriek that alarmed me and set Grace crying.

"Land sakes, girl, look at your
hair!" she cried.

"Oh, I should have combed it, I'm
sorry. It's a mess, I know," I apologized. Instead of dealing with it
before breakfast, I had gathered it high on my head and put a scrunchy around
it to hold it there.

"No! I mean, it's shorter, am I right?
Sorry I scared Gracie," she managed.

"Oh, yes, I cut it. Russ and Charity
didn't say anything at breakfast?"

"No, I guess they was just hopin' I'd
have a heart attack and they'd be rid of me," she joked. "Is that the
way you wear it now? Up in a bun like that?"

"No, you'll see after I've had a
chance to clean up. Janet, Gracie wants some biscuits," I said.

"Pancakes," said Gracie.

~~~

I hoped to avoid another shock like Janet
had experienced, so after breakfast I rushed back to our room to make myself
presentable for the day with a shower and blowing out my hair. Little Gracie
made my day again by saying, "Pretty, mommy," once it was done. Then
I bathed her and got her dressed again, then went to see Amber.

Amber's eyes widened when she caught a glimpse
of me from the floor of the playroom where she was helping Enoch build a Lego
tower. She jumped to her feet and threw her arms around me. "Janey, you
look, just, stupendous!" she cried.

Well, that was another positive vote. I
smiled and twirled for her, then put Grace down with Enoch and hugged Amber. I
drew her over to a couple of adult-sized chairs where we could talk while the
little ones played.

"Tell me all about it, Janey. I'm so
excited to see you! Do you think I should go to college? Have you met any
friends? Do the boys like you?" Her questions were coming so fast I
couldn't possibly answer, so I put my hand over her mouth.

"Slow down, sis, you're going to
helicopter right out of this room. Yes, I think you should go to college; yes,
I've met friends and yes, some of the boys like me. Shall I tell you about
it?"

"Oh, yes! I'll be quiet," she
said, practically bouncing in her excitement. She made a zipping motion across
her lips, folded her hands in her lap and looked at me, her eyes shining with
anticipation. Because she was my baby sister, I decided not to tell her about
the drinking, or my obsession with Justin Mackey. All in due time, and I'd talk
to at least Annalee and maybe Celeste about it. But, for now, telling Amber
about Rihanna, her friends and my classes seemed to satisfy her.

At lunch, I got quite a bit of attention
from the hands, ranging from sidelong glances to winks and big smiles. I loved
it. Like most of the younger hands Russ had taken in over the years, the
majority of the recent additions were shy or sullen; loners that life had
beaten down before they even got to be adults.

The boldest of them, a boy of nineteen
named Tyler, lingered after lunch to ask me if I'd like to ride with him later,
when he’d finished his chores. I looked to Charity for guidance, and she nodded
ever so slightly. "I'd love to," I said. It seemed this wouldn't be a
boring week for boys after all.

When he'd gone and Gracie put down for her
nap, I went in search of Charity, who was resting. When I saw her lying down on
the library sofa, I started to tiptoe away, but she called me back. "I'm
not asleep, just putting my legs up for a while. This baby must be a boy, I
swear he already weighs as much as Russ," she joked. I laughed and asked
her if I could bring her something to drink. A few minutes later, we were both
enjoying Janet's scrumptious homemade lemonade as we gossiped.

It was time to talk to Charity about what I
was doing at campus, not just studying, which I was, but also my growing social
life, my friendship with devil-may-care Rihanna, and my attraction to one of my
professors. Charity wasn't that much older than I, twenty-four to my eighteen,
but after being a foster mother to the five of us, she was wiser than her
years. She listened and responded as I chattered, smiling at the fun, frowning
a little when I hinted that I might have had a drink or two.

Her face cleared when I told her how much I
was enjoying classes, and that I was making top marks in everything but math. I
was at least passing that, I explained. I just didn't enjoy it. Charity became
very troubled, though, when I took a deep breath and told her I might be in
love with one of my professors. "You haven't, er, done anything with him
have you?" she asked.

"No, nothing like that. I just gaze at
him all through class and drool," I laughed. "He's craycray
gorgeous."

"What did you say?" she laughed.

"I'm trying to learn slang," I
explained, blushing. "It means crazy. He's hot, crazy gorgeous."

"Honey, be careful. I don't think it's
exactly forbidden, since you're of age, but teachers and students shouldn't mix
like that. It's not right," she said.

"Why?"

"Well, because he's got some authority
over you, as your teacher. It isn't an equal relationship," she explained.
I tucked that advice away in my memory, but I didn't feel any differently. If I
had a chance to date Justin Mackey, I was going to take it. How could he exert
authority over me if we were just seeing each other, and it was what I wanted?

My few days back at home flew by all too
quickly. I rode out with Tyler in the late afternoon, but only once. I got so
little time with Gracie as it was, between her afternoon nap and her early
bedtime, that I didn't want to spend any of it away from her.

Another time, Charity and Amber and I all
piled into the new SUV and drove over to see Annalee and her new baby, who was
growing like a weed. We went into town to see Celeste and Ciara, too. I was
shocked at Celeste's appearance. She'd cut her hair, shorter than mine, and
dyed it red. She wore a lot of makeup, too, and had pierced her ears and
started additionally wearing one thick earring she called a gauge. For the
first time, we didn't all look like sisters, and I couldn't believe the
difference six weeks could make.

On Thursday, my last day at the ranch,
Janet prepared a big family dinner. All of my sisters came, even Celeste, who
traded a shift at the truck stop where she worked to be there. Though most of
them had to leave early in the evening to get home and prepare for another
workday, we had a grand time being together again, all in one place. Celeste
took the brunt of the teasing, because of her flaming red hair, but it was
okay. I'd made my splash each time another of my sisters saw my transformation.
I felt special, sexy and loved, and Tyler only reinforced the sexy part. I
could tell he wanted so badly to kiss me, but hadn't made the move. I didn't
give him any help.

Friday morning, Russ, Charity and I packed
the car and I said a tearful goodbye to my baby, who of course threw a
monumental tantrum. Amber finally had to carry her struggling and screaming
into the house so that we could leave, and I cried all the way to Rock Springs.

At first, I tried to talk Russ out of
buying me a car. He had already done so much that I didn't think I should take
advantage of his generosity. But he explained again that my having a car on
campus would help him when their new baby was born. When I realized it meant I
could go back to the ranch anytime I wanted, I began to warm to the idea.
Because of the terrible driving conditions across Wyoming in the winter, we
decided on an SUV, a Honda CRV, red of course. Russ told me to watch my speed,
since the red car would attract traffic cops.

I ran into the dorm room super excited to
see Rihanna after our week apart. Dragging her by the hand like she had dragged
me the first day we met, I took her to see my new car and take a spin around
campus.

"Girl, you're driving from now
on," she squealed.

"Works for me," I replied.
"Don't you just love the color?"

"Cop magnet," she smirked.

I wasted no time putting into action my
plan to reinvent myself. I hung out with Rihanna as often as possible, while
doing my best to attract the attention of Prof. Mackey. Fortunately, Rihanna
and her friends always hung out as a group, and very seldom paired off. She had
a gaggle of girlfriends who were always good for a laugh and a party. She
called them her posse, or sometimes her peeps, and our group made quite a
splash on the dance floor.

Naturally, there were some boys in the
group, too. Mostly they were kids Rihanna had gone to high school with. They
were good fun, and almost every weekend night, you could find my CRV stuffed
with as many of them as would fit. Sometimes we went out during the day, too,
and then it was usually for a hike or picnic in the nearby Wasatch Mountains. I
was having the time of my life just being a teenager for once. However, none of
Riana’s boyfriends interested me as potential date material because Justin
Mackey blinded me to their charms.

On the first day back after fall break, I
used every beauty tip that Rihanna had showed me to try to stand out in English
class. Of course, there were probably fifty students in the class, and many of
them were other girls who also wanted to catch Prof. Mackey's eye. My plan to
stand out relied more on my ability to impress him with answers to his
questions on the reading material. It didn't quite work as planned, however, on
that first day, because I had read the wrong assignment over the break.

During the next class, my plan worked much
better, as I had taken care to read exactly what was expected. I even visited
some online teaching sites to get an idea of the questions he might ask about
it, and prepared answers that I thought were brilliant.

That day I garnered a much treasured
"excellent answer, Ms. Nielsen" from my heartthrob. I’d been looking
for an opening like it. After class, I joined the gaggle of groupies that
surrounded him as he packed up his briefcase. I had no idea what they usually
said to him, so I intended to hang back and listen to the other girls, but when
I got there, Prof. Mackey was doing the talking. He seemed to be flirting with
all of us at once. God, up close he was even more gorgeous. His eyes, which I
hadn't been able to see before, were green with flecks of gold in them. With
his Byron-esque hair, those eyes did things to my body that I knew were sinful.
Paralyzed, I couldn't say a word.

"Ms. Nielsen," he said, "I
was very impressed by your analysis today. You seem to have a real feel for
this era. I appreciate your contributions in class."

If he had told me I was the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen, and that he wanted to tear off my clothes and ravish
me, I couldn't have been more pleased. Even though that was exactly what I
wanted. I could feel myself beginning to blush and the more I blushed the more
embarrassed I got. To my horror, I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just
grinned. Prof. Mackey grinned back and said, "Oh, I've embarrassed you,
I'm sorry."

"Oh no,” I said, “thank you for the
compliment." Geez, what lame thing was going to come out of my mouth next?
I figured I'd better quit while I was ahead and turned to go. Prof. Mackey
stopped me.

"Would you like to get a coffee?"
he asked. The other girls looked daggers at me as my stomach did a flip.

"I'd love to!" I said.

"Well then," he said, "let's
go." To the other girls, he said, "See you next class, girls."
For all that it was a pleasant thing to say, it was clearly a brush off. I
couldn't help but feel pleased that he had singled me out.

Over coffee, Prof. Mackey asked me to call
him Justin and began calling me Janey. He told me he had been watching me in
class. "It's a real pleasure to see a student who is genuinely interested
in my subject," he said.

"It's my favorite," I admitted.

"Really? And why is that?"

I almost panicked. It took me about half a
second to realize that I shouldn't tell him the real reason, because of the
themes of alienation and self-examination. That I related to those themes,
never more so than here at college. I didn't fit into modern time, and yet, I
longed to break away from where I did fit in. Instead, I gave him some lame
answer about loving the stories, and appreciating the modern language. That raised
his eyebrows.

He knew it was a lie, I could tell from his
expression, and I knew it was bullshit, but neither of us said so. He didn't
give any indication of why he thought I would lie, just started asking me about
myself. When I told him I was a freshman and eighteen, almost nineteen, it
raised his eyebrows again.

"What are you doing in a sophomore
class?" He asked.

Once again, I didn't know whether my
special privilege of testing out of the English survey class was unusual or
not. This time I wasn't talking to a student, so I decided it was okay to tell
him. "I made arrangements to test out of the freshman survey class," I
said, "so that I could make more productive use of my time."

"That's very impressive." He
smiled. "That's a lot of material to be familiar with as a freshman, not
to mention being able to pass the test."

"I keep getting that question," I
said, "and I've been wondering if it was some special privilege that I
shouldn't mention."

"No, not really," he answered.
"It's just that there aren't that many students who seek it, and even
fewer who can pass the test."

I was so pleased that I preened a little. I
tossed the tresses that had crept over my shoulder back behind it, and noticed
that Justin's eyes went straight to my chest. Then they widened. As soon as he
noticed that my eyes were on his he lifted them correctly to my face.

"I'd like to get to know you a little
better," he said. "Could I take you to lunch on Friday?"

Hadn't I dreamed of this for weeks?
Absolutely he could take me to lunch on Friday! Only Rihanna’s concern and Charity's
caution kept me from jumping in glee. Instead, I lowered my eyes demurely.

"I'd like that," I said.

~~~

On Friday, I dressed carefully to look a
little older and was flattered when Justin's eyes lit up at the sight of me. He
took me off campus to a nice restaurant in downtown Salt Lake and we talked so
long over the food that I missed my math class. I felt a little guilty about
it, but on the other hand, it was math. If I had to miss a class, that was the
one to miss. Justin dropped me off near the building for my music class later
in the afternoon.

"See you Monday," he said.

At Monday's class, I deliberately didn't
join the groupies. To my delight, Justin left his desk area and came back to
mine, trailing the girls like a mother duck her ducklings.

"Coffee?" he asked.

"Sure," I said. I didn't want to
seem too eager. Not for him, and not for the listening girls who already hated
me. Coffee after English class became a habit for Justin and me, but the other
girls still didn't give up. I asked him once whether his career was in jeopardy
if he seemed to be showing me too much attention, but he just laughed.

"I can't imagine anything more
innocent than having coffee with a student," he said, "especially one
as bright as you, and as talented in my subject." I relaxed then.

Even though we seem to be becoming friends
of a sort, and a lot of our conversation was about the material he was
teaching, familiarity did not decrease the sensual thrill I felt in his
presence. Though his looks had attracted me first, I now reveled in the sound
of his voice, even in his scent, a combination of clean male and woodsy cologne
that was unique to him. After our coffee, I often left the student union
confused by the physical sensations being close to him caused me. Never before
had a boy set my blood singing like that, and certainly not my ex-husband, who
showed me no affection at all.

It seemed there was something missing from
my education—how to be a normal modern young woman. I had no idea how to flirt.
Rihanna was so comfortable with her gang that she had no need to flirt, so I
wasn't learning. If my relationship with Justin was going to go any further, I
had to know how to let him know I was interested. Yet, I couldn't tell Rihanna
my problem. I solved it by asking her if we could go out dancing that weekend,
where I would watch other girls flirt with boys and learn from them. Never one
to miss a party, Rihanna was down with that.

Saturday night found us dressed in our
sexiest bar scene outfits, drinking Long Island iced tea with a few of her
peeps and surveying the crowd. Surreptitiously, I picked out a couple of girls
whose appearance was similar to mine; that is, medium height, long blonde hair
and a curvaceous figure. I watched how they cut their eyes at the boys who
picked them out of the crowd, how they touched an arm lightly, or tossed their
hair over their shoulder and the expressions on their faces. Later, whenever Rihanna
wasn't in the dorm room, I would practice these gestures until they became
natural.

It felt a little awkward, as if I were an
actor playing a role, the next time I was in class and began to practice my new
flirting technique. What I didn't count on was that boys in the class would
also notice my flirtatious behavior. I had to wade through several unwanted
advances to get to Justin's desk that day, which I wanted to do to let him know
I wouldn't be able to go for coffee. This was a technique I'd learned about
called "playing hard to get".

I was nervous that it would backfire on me
and that Justin would just find a different girl to go to coffee with, but
coffee wasn't all I wanted. I had to shake things up to advance the
relationship, or simply let it go on as an innocent friendship.

Later, it occurred to me that I could have
used those other boys to my advantage. Next class, if any of them approached
me, I'd invite him for coffee. I didn't have time before Thanksgiving break to
make many missteps, so from now on, I would carefully plan my strategies.

Meanwhile, Rihanna said she was dying to
introduce me to her best friend from high school, who turned out to be a junior
and a boy. That he was also the point guard of the varsity basketball team went
right over my head, since I knew nothing about basketball. Because he was
always at practice for the upcoming season, I hadn't met him yet in our group
outings. Truthfully, I wasn't interested. I had eyes only for Justin.

As it turned out, my plan worked perfectly.
I could see from the corner of my eye that Justin had his eyes on the boy I
picked to make him jealous. At the Student Union, I sat at the table with the
hapless boy and watched Justin pass nearby several times. Justin was waiting
outside the Student Union doors when I left. I had my head turned in the
opposite direction, so when he seized my upper arm it startled me. I gave a
little shriek, and dropped my backpack.

"Oh, Janey," he said, "I'm
sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I'd like to talk to you, can we go
somewhere?"

"Wow, Justin, I'm sorry, but I
promised to meet my roommate, and I'll be late if I don't hurry. Maybe I could
catch you later. I'll be back here for lunch in an hour or so."

He frowned slightly, but he agreed to meet
me then.

At the time we'd set, there was no sign of
Justin. I got my lunch and sat down at an empty table. A few minutes later, an
unsmiling Justin sat down at the table with me.

"Janey, what's going on?" he
asked. "I thought we had a nice friendship going."

I raised my eyebrows, pretending I didn't
know what he was getting at. "I thought so too. What makes you think
anything is going on?" I said.

"You seem to have been avoiding me
this week."

"No, I just thought it was time to
broaden my interests," I said, tossing my head so that my hair flipped
backward over my shoulder.

"What kind of interests are we talking
about?" asked Justin, his eyebrows raised now.

I gave him the little half smile that I had
been practicing in the mirror since last Saturday, allowing my eyes to half
close as well.

"A girl has… needs," I said with
a wink. At that, Justin's eyes widened, dropped to my chest and flicked back up
to mine. This was the second time I had noticed him checking out my assets.
That's what Rihanna called them. What Justin didn't know, what no one on campus
knew except Rihanna, was that I was the mother of a two-year-old. Rihanna had
asked me once if I had the same figure before I got pregnant with my baby, but
I truly didn't know. The last thing on my mind at that point was being
physically attractive. As far as I knew, I had always had a large bosom, but
before now, I had never considered it an asset.