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As worried as we were about Drew, we knew
we'd need to eat before we could do anything substantial. I was dizzy, I didn't
know whether from shock or low blood sugar, but eating might improve the
situation. We went straight to The Pie, where we found some of Ri's peeps and a
handful of Drew's teammates. The latter glared at both of us, but Ri took the
bull by the horns, as usual.

"Listen up, everyone. We've screwed
up, Janey and I both, and we need your help.
Drew
needs your help. Can
someone find out whether Mackey has pressed charges? We need to know what the
school is doing, too. After she and I get a bite to eat so we don't pass out,
we're going to organize whatever protests we need to. We can't let Drew
down."

His teammates were still inclined to glare
at us and grumble, but her peeps rallied immediately. Several of them went to
gather information, while the rest brainstormed with us what our response would
be if Drew had been suspended from the team. That brought his teammates into
the fold, their knowledge of team rules preventing us from making even more
blunders.

Before long, the runners were back with
news. Mackey's hearing with the Dean had been moved up, set for 8 a.m.
tomorrow. Rumor had it that he might even be suspended without pay for
inappropriate behavior with a student. Evidently, there had been numerous
complaints before I ever met the man, and this incident was the final straw. I
knew in my heart that he was not solely to blame for what happened between us,
and if justice were served, he would only receive a reprimand for that.

I didn't necessarily want him to lose his
job, and I was a little nervous about his threat to make me regret it if such a
thing happened. By now, I knew he was unstable and had anger issues. Would he
actually carry out a physical attack on me? Or, would he merely try to have me
kicked out of school or wage psychological warfare? If the latter, I was sure
Russ's influence could defend me, but I certainly didn't need a stalker on top
of everything else.

The news about Drew was not the best,
either. If Mackey decided to press charges, which he almost certainly would if
he himself were to experience the most negative consequences, drew was likely
to be suspended from the team, which would cause his scholarship to be
withdrawn. Ri told me that if the scholarship went away, neither Drew nor his
family would have the means to allow him to attend in his senior year and
graduate. Furthermore, if he weren't on the team, there was little to no
likelihood that NBA scouts would notice him. Neither of us could imagine a
worse disaster for him.

Thanks to our brainstorming session, we
knew what we were going to do about Drew. Even now, several students were
shopping for poster board and markers that we would use to make signs for a
protest rally if Drew were suspended from the team. Others, especially Ri and I,
were preparing to meet with college officials and coaches to appeal any such
decision. Ri and I intended to take full responsibility for what had happened.
Drew's teammates held out little hope that it would make a difference, but we
had to try.

We worked at the restaurant until it closed
at around 10 p.m., and then a few students accompanied Ri and me back to our
dorm, where we continued to make signs until midnight. By now, we had decided
that we would also protest any decision to punish Mackey with the loss of his
job. Ri, being more vindictive, was the lone naysayer. She argued that Mackey
was dangerous and needed to be removed from campus, so that he would have no
more opportunity to seduce coeds.

My response was what swayed the rest. The
truth was, I was quite willing to be seduced and would have initiated it myself
if I'd known how. It wasn't fair to punish him for that reason. However, he
knew the school policy, and did deserve some sort of consequence, just not the
loss of his job. For that reason, we also made a few signs saying, 'Willing
coeds support Mackey.'

Our alarm went off far too early the next
morning, because Ri had to get up early to retrieve some clothes from where she
had been staying. We were going to split up that morning, Ri to organize the
rally for Drew, and me to organize the smaller rally for Justin. By 7:30, I had
a small crowd of about fifty students, mostly women, outside the Admin
building. When Justin arrived, accompanied by someone I suspected was a lawyer,
he seemed astonished that anyone would support him. When he saw me, he
literally dropped his jaw.

"Janey, what are you doing here? And
why…"

"Don't get the idea that anything more
could happen between us, Justin, but unlike you, I take accountability for my
actions. I wanted what happened, or it wouldn't have happened. You don't
deserve to lose your job over it."

"Thank you, I think," he said. I
didn't care now what he thought of me. I only cared what I thought of myself,
and this was the right thing to do.

We stood quietly outside the admin building
for about an hour, before an administrative assistant came out and called my
name. When I identified myself, she asked me to accompany her to the Dean's
office.

"I understand you are one of the
injured parties, Ms. Nielsen. May I ask why you didn't file a complaint, and
why you have apparently organized the support rally outside?"

"Sir, what happened between professor
Mackey and I was between consenting adults. The fact that I have become
disillusioned with his attentions doesn't mean I am an injured party."

"That's a refreshing attitude,"
he said. "Most of his, shall we say, conquests believe they were injured.
I commend you for having the maturity to recognize your part in it. However,
Dr. Mackey was well aware of the rules. We're suspending him without pay for
the remainder of the semester, and his tenure is in question. You could say
he's on probation. Do you consider that a satisfactory consequence for his
infringement of school policy?"

I didn't know why he was asking me, a
freshman, about matters of employee discipline. It seemed a good compromise, though,
as Justin would retain his job after his suspension, and he'd have the
opportunity to mend his ways. Privately, I suspected that he would continue his
pattern of behavior, but that was on him.

"Yes, sir, more than satisfactory,
thank you."

It seemed more than possible that Justin's
revenge would be to attempt to influence the school on Drew's punishment, so my
group of protesters and I rushed to join the others. Finding Ri, I asked if she
knew anymore about when Drew's hearing would begin.

"He just went in," she said.

It seemed we held our collective breath
until Drew came out again, smiling.

He made his way to pry, standing in the
front of the crowd, and hugged her. "They aren't going to kick me out of
school, but I still have to talk to Coach about whether I can play. Thanks, you
guys," he said to the crowd in general. "I don't know if you guys
helped with the decision, but I really appreciate the support. If I'm allowed
to continue on the team, I'll do my best to not let you down."

A cheer went up, washing out what he said
to me next.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"Let me know if that bastard threatens
you again," he repeated.

"Drew, let me handle any threats. I'm
not afraid of him, and you've endangered your career enough for me. But, does
this mean were friends again?" I dared to smile a little, hoping to make
light of it. Happiness flooded me when he smiled back.

"If you'll have me," he said.
"I overreacted." I didn't think he had, it was exactly what I
expected. Still, if he was willing to be friends again, I wasn't going to
argue. Friends was what I meant. I did not intend to date him again.

Exhausted by the drama, as well as helping Ri
to move back into our dorm room, all I could think of was the coming weekend
when Spring Break would start. It was too late to invite Ri to go with me,
unfortunately. She had already made plans to go to Las Vegas with a few of her
friends. It had been too long since I had seen Gracie, and I wouldn't miss
going to the ranch for anything.

March weather in the Rockies was always
volatile, but I had a clear weather forecast for Friday night and Saturday. It
only remained to decide whether to leave after my last class on Friday, or wait
until the next morning. Either way, I was going to miss the next home game.
Drew's coach had suspended him for one game, which had taken place on Wednesday
in California. Not surprisingly, they lost.

Ri announced on Thursday that she and her
friends would be skipping class on Friday to get a head start on their Spring
Break, and, although Drew and I agreed we would be friends again, I wasn't
dating him. So, there was no reason to wait, and my decision was to leave for
the ranch on Friday.

When I left campus, I was feeling good
about myself. I had done the right thing for Justin, despite my personal
feelings about him. I had regained my friendship with Drew, though we weren't
dating. Best of all, Ri and I were friends again. As I drove, though, I had
time to think about what had happened and why.

I'd come a long way since arriving on
campus as a naïve freshman. I now knew that I had allowed Justin's physical
beauty to blind me to the ugliness inside him, even after he allowed me a
glimpse of it. Furthermore, I had become someone I wasn't in order to attract
him. I had lied by omission to Rihanna about my intentions. By extension, I had
lied by omission about my real self to everyone on campus, both those I'd met
and those I hadn't. What a terrible person I was!

Even in my role as a mother, I had failed
terribly. I took the easy way, and left my precious daughter for weeks and
months in someone else's care so that I could be a carefree student. What kind
of a mother was that? The kind who didn't deserve her child, I concluded.

 Somewhere between Evanston and Rock
Springs, I convinced myself that I was evil and unworthy of love. Tears blinded
me off and on for the rest of the drive. By the time I got to the ranch, it was
not only very late at night, but I was an emotional wreck.

I turned off the ignition and sat in the
car, unwilling to face my loved ones in the house, cognizant that I didn't
deserve them. Not much ever escaped the notice of one or another of the
occupants of the house. I had been sitting in the car for very long before Russ
came out to see what the matter was.

"Come in the house, Janey. Charity is
worried about you, and she needs her sleep. The baby has been colicky."

Here was evidence, again, of my
thoughtlessness.

"I'm sorry, Russ. I'll come in."

Russ wasn't one to pry, but he could not
have failed to notice my distress. He put his hand at my back to guide me into
the house, bidding me good night as I walked down the hall to the room I shared
with Gracie. I found her in her little bed, a baby monitor on the table next to
her. After kissing her forehead, I turned off the baby monitor since I was
there, and, dressing in a flannel nightgown against the Wyoming chill, went to
bed. If I never woke up, it would be too soon for me.

~~~

Waking to Gracie's delighted squeal of,
"Mommy," I forgot my blue mood in the joy of having my daughter in my
arms. Since I'd left in the first week of January, it seemed she had grown
several inches. She was getting too heavy for me to pick up, in fact. In the
midst of my joy, sadness washed over me that I had missed so much of her young
life by being away at school.

I intended to finish the year, but, while I
was at home I needed to talk to both Russ and Charity about delaying the rest
of my education until Grace was old enough for school, so that I could take her
with me. I was no longer willing to miss months of her rapid development, even
to pursue the education that would make us independent. Maybe Russ could give
me a job of some sort so that I would be earning our keep.

When I looked at my watch, I jumped out of
bed, horrified that we had slept until nearly 10 a.m. Janet would be furious if
we came to the kitchen looking for breakfast while she was trying to get lunch
ready for so many. I was also eager to see Charity's new baby, a little boy
they had named John in honor of Russ's dad. One good thing about having such a
big family was that there were always babies to cuddle and love.

I didn't find Russ or Charity in their
room, so I continued to the kitchen, holding Gracie's hand, as she was much too
heavy for me to carry through the house now. On the way, Grace entertained me
by constant chatter about the new baby and about what she wanted for breakfast.
Janet was at the kitchen sink, washing a huge pile of potatoes that would
evidently be part of lunch in a couple of hours. She turned to greet me,
smiling fondly at Gracie.

"You guys are way too late for a good
breakfast, but how about some cereal?"

"Cheerios!" Gracie crowed,
clapping her chubby little hands.

"How do we ask?" Janet corrected.

"Can, may I have some Cheerios
please?" Gracie recited. It only strengthened my resolve, knowing that
others were teaching my little girl not only how to politely ask for something,
but also how to do it grammatically. That was my job. Suppressing my jealousy,
I smiled at Janet and said, "Wow, she's growing up too fast, and I'm
missing it." Janet smiled kindly, but didn't respond.

Gracie and I were tipping our bowls to
drink the dregs of the milk when Charity walked in, holding her new baby in her
arms. When I held mine out, she walked over and placed him in them tenderly.
There's nothing sweeter than a sleeping infant. This one had a mass of coppery
curls that marked him as Russ’s and Charity's. He was too cute for words.

"Charity, he's beautiful," I
said.

Gracie held out her arms, evidently
expecting a turn at holding the baby. "Want hold baby," she said.

"No, sweetheart, you're too
little," I answered. Her puckered little face told me that we were about
to experience an outburst that would wake the baby, so I hurriedly said,
"You can hold him if you'll sit in my lap to do it. If that's okay with
Aunt Charity."

"Sure," she said, "she does
that all the time."

"Charity, can I talk to you and Russ
after lunch?"

"Sounds like you have something
serious to talk about," she said. "I'll see if Russ is
available."

Since we had a couple of hours to kill, I
got Grace and I bathed and dressed, and we went to the barn to see the horses.
I found Cody's Uncle Hank there, but no Tyler.

"Hi, Hank. Where's Tyler today?"

"You didn't hear? He left right after
you, in January, headed for Logan and Utah State."

I was both delighted and disappointed.
Delighted that Tyler had somehow found a way to achieve his dream of going to
college, but disappointed that I wouldn't see him.

"Will he be here for Spring
Break?" I asked.

"I don't think so," Hank replied.
"He wrote that he'd be applying for jobs around Logan for the summer. Of
course, if he don't find one, he's welcome back here. He'll probly find one,
though. He's a good hand; Russ will give him a good reference."

"Would you give me his address while
I'm here, Hank? I'd like to write to him."

"Sure, girlie, I'll bring it with me
to lunch."

Grace and I spent a little while greeting
each of the horses in the barn, though there were fewer than previously. Cody
must have the rest at his place, training them for various rodeo events. Back
in the house, I asked Janet if a family meal was planned for tomorrow. I hoped
to see all of my sisters while I was here, and it was always so much fun to
have them all in the same place at the same time.

"You betcha, honey. Charity ordered a
full-on Easter dinner, since you won't be here that weekend. Not only that, but
you and Amber need to help me color Easter eggs tonight, too. Charity wants me
to boil up four dozen for the kids."

"Oh, you never know, I might be here
that weekend."

"Well, I guess we’re going to have two
Easters this year then." Even though I never wanted Janet to go out of her
way, the thought tickled me. Two Easter egg hunts, two days to dress up the
little girls in their spring finery, though tomorrow's weather might be a
little cool for an outdoor egg hunt. After all, next to February, March was the
snowiest month in Wyoming, and it was still early in March.

For some reason, that thought made me think
of basketball. I guess because of 'March Madness', the round of tournaments
that determined the championship among college basketball teams. Unless Utah
won its next game on Wednesday, their season was done. I wondered whether Drew
would play in this game. Thinking of his career, and the role I'd played in
jeopardizing it, dimmed my pleasure in the day until lunchtime.

Nothing could make a Rocking W Ranch
weekend lunch anything less than a pleasant time. In fact, often, it was more
like a party. Even though the complement of hands was down to less than a
dozen, the camaraderie between Russ, Charity, the hands, Janet, Amber and I
never failed to cheer me up. It was noisy, often funny and always meant family.

After lunch, I became serious again when Charity
invited me to join Russ and her in Russ's office. It was time to tell them of
my decision to leave school after the end of the semester.

~~~

Russ listened without comment as I listed
the reasons why I had decided not to return to school for my sophomore year
until Grace was a little older. Charity, however gave a little cry of distress.

"Honey, you've worked so hard, and
you're getting such good marks. We've been through all of this and everyone
agreed that it was the best thing for both you and Gracie."

"I didn't know how much I would miss
her," I started to say, but that was a lie. I had always known I would
miss her terribly. What I hadn't known was how rapidly she would grow and
develop in just a few short weeks at this age.

"But, you were so anxious to become
independent. What happened to that?" Charity asked.

"I still want that, I want it more
than anything, but I'm not sure I can sacrifice three more years of not being
with Gracie," I explained. I turned to Russ. "I'm not asking you to
just keep supporting us," I said. "I was hoping you could give me a
job that I could do here in return for our room and board."

"I suppose I could," Russ said,
before Charity interrupted him.

"No! Russ, don't make it easy for her
to quit. She doesn't want to stay here on the ranch forever, and she needs her
college degree to be able to make her way in the world."

Russ smiled gently at her. "I'm well
aware of your feelings on the matter, Kitten. But Janey didn't say she was
quitting, only that she wanted to wait until Gracie was older."

I hastened to forestall an argument between
my guardians. "That's right, Charity. I do still want to go to school, I
love my classes, but I was having such a good time on campus, I was losing
sight of what's important."

Russ settled the matter. "You do
intend to finish out the semester, I take it?" Seeing my nod of assent, he
went on. "When the semester is over, come on back to the ranch, and I'll
find a job for you. Actually, I could use an administrative assistant. Charity
has been helping me with some of the work that in AA would do, but she has the
baby now, and between Katy and him, she doesn't need to be working in my
businesses. When you get back, I'll train you over the summer. You don't have
to make a decision right now about whether to go back or not. Let's take it up
late in July or early in August."

It was more than I could have hoped. Not
only would I be earning our keep; I would be training at a skill that I could
use to earn money when I did go back. I was sure I could get a scholarship, or
a grant, so that Russ wouldn't have to foot the bill.

"You don't have to work just for room
and board, though. I'll pay you a salary as well."

"No, Russ," I protested.
"You've done so much for me already. I couldn't accept a salary in
addition."

Charity gave Russ a quelling look when he
opened his mouth to respond. He shut it again and gestured at her, as if to
say, 'go ahead, you've got the floor.'

"Was that all you had to discuss with
us?" she asked.

"Yes, and thank you for not freaking
out. I will finish school, I promise."

"Let's get out of Russ's hair,
then," she said. "Come to my room with me, will you? I need to check
on little Jack."

I might have known that I hadn't heard Charity's
last word on the subject. What she wanted to ask me was whether my romantic
entanglements had anything to do with my decision. I was grateful that she
hadn't asked while we were with Russ, because I had to be honest.

"Frankly, they did, to some extent.
But it really is missing out on Gracie's growing up that made my mind up."