Picturing Perfect (7 page)

As I stepped out of the dress, I leaned against the bed and removed my bra. Tucker looked me up and down like a predator. I felt hunted. Desired. Ready.

Tucker guided me down onto the bed, removing his shirt and pants as we kissed, stroked and nuzzled on top of the down comforter.

"I want you," Tucker said, easing my panties down my legs. When I said nothing in return, he asked, "Do you want me, Hadley?"

Although I had no idea why, this tiny voice in me said no. I ignored it, though, allowing my hormones and lust to take over completely.
I want this. I do, I do.

"Yes…yes, I want you."

"Good, that's what I thought," he said, plunging his tongue into my mouth once again, this time not nearly as gentle. He wasn't holding back. He was taking what he felt was already his.

Within seconds, Tucker was inside me. I gritted my teeth as my muscles struggled to relax. Normally, Tucker would sense my discomfort and slow down, knowing it'd been a while. But, not tonight. Tonight he was urgent and determined. Tonight his thrusts were harsh and fast and I found myself holding on to his shoulders, just trying to keep up with him.

Just as a familiar pressure was building inside of me, Tucker cried out and sank into my arms. Sighing, I lay there, staring up at the spinning ceiling.

What the hell was that?

"Fuck." He ran his fingers through his dark hair and leaned back. "Sorry, that didn't last so long."

"It's all right," I said casually, attempting to blow it off as the room spun in circles. But, I couldn't help it. My body was disappointed. As much as I'd hoped he'd give me the release I was seeking, I knew it wasn't going to happen.

"That's what happens when we go so long without having sex," he said, pulling out of me and walking to the bathroom. For a moment, I lay stunned, my stomach flipping uncomfortably. It was true. It had been a long time since we'd had sex. But, even though he was right, his words stung. His tone was harsh and detached.

Hoping to calm the twisting and turning of the room, I kicked my leg over the side of the bed and planted it on the floor.
Do not throw up, do not throw up.

In between being coherent and completely asleep when Tucker came back to bed, I turned my body toward him, hoping for some resolution, some comfort,
something
. But, within moments, he was snoring and I lay there, unable to drift to sleep, wondering what had happened to the man next to me. He was no longer the boy I once loved.

I woke up shivering, teeth chattering, skin covered in goose bumps. Even though Tucker had gotten himself underneath the covers, he'd left me on top of the comforter without a stitch of clothing on my body.

Damn him. I deserve better than this.

Tucker was a selfish man. Why had it taken me so long to really
see
him? Had he always been like this? Or had something changed in him? Was this why I'd avoided being intimate with him the last few months? Because I knew he didn't deserve me?

Pain pounded in my forehead as I stumbled to the bathroom. A white terrycloth robe hung from the door. I put it on my body and felt slightly better, but still shivered from the cold. I was chilled to the bone, but mad as hell. I wanted to wake Tucker and demand answers. Demand to know why I was treated this way. But, I knew where that would lead…and I didn't want to have that conversation in the middle of the night, only to wake up next to one another in the morning. It would have to wait. But, something in the pit of my stomach told me this was the beginning of the end. We weren't going to make it. I felt it in my gut.

Climbing back into bed, I eventually stopped shivering as I listened to Tucker snoring next to me. As I lay there, though, a memory crept into my brain. I must've buried it, but all of a sudden, it felt fresh, as if it'd just happened. As if I was trapped inside of it.

"Where is he?" Auden snipped. "He was supposed to be here an hour ago. Try his cell again."

"He's not picking up," I said with a shrug.

"Then, let's go without him."

"No…I mean, not yet. Give him a minute."

"He does this all the time, Had. He expects you to wait on him. Aren't you sick of it?"

"He's not always like this. Sometimes he's sweet."

"He was in high school, but not anymore."

She was right. Since our first semester of college had begun, Tucker was different. He'd pledged a fraternity, one of the most elite on his campus in Champaign. Auden and I were "GDIs" (Goddamn Independents) according to him. He seemed disappointed in both of us for not going Greek. What he didn't get was that Auden and I didn't want that. We'd made several friends on campus and didn't feel the need to join. The Greek system wasn't popular at our tiny college in Peoria. We were content; we didn't need or want it. But for Tucker, it was his world. And the more he was wrapped up in that world, the more we drifted apart.

My cell remained silent as Auden tapped her foot on the hardwood floor.

"Shit. C'mon, Had. We only have another week left of break."

"And?"

"And I don't want to spend all that time waiting around for him."

Sending a final text to Tucker, I resigned myself to not seeing him for New Year's Eve. Oh well. Two minutes went by before my phone rang. I pressed the speakerphone button. Auden would get pissed if she didn't get to say her piece.

"Now you call me," I said, the sarcasm dripping from my words.

"Hey, baby," he slurred into the phone.

"We've been waiting for you for over an hour. Where are you?"

"Dave's place."

"Oh," I said, my heart plummeting into my belly. Dave was a friend of Tucker's who also pledged with the same fraternity. They'd become inseparable and Dave was always making sarcastic jokes around me. He thought it was ridiculous that Tucker and I stayed together long distance. But, we were less than an hour away. We saw each other a lot (at least we did before his frat had constant parties during the fall months) and Tucker had a car, so we didn't really view it as long distance.

Dave was definitely not a fan of mine. He wanted to pick up girls with Tuck by his side. And he wasn't afraid to refer to me as "The Cock Block." Nice. Tucker acted like it was no big deal, so I tried not to make it one.

"You knew we were waiting on you and you went to Dave's? What for?" Auden asked, her words snide.

"Calm the fuck down, Auden. It was just a couple beers." Exasperation poured from the phone. Even through his slur, we could hear his irritation. He was never able to hide that easily.

"Hey, don't talk to her like that," I said, feeling myself being pushed to my limit. I didn't raise my voice often. But, no one talked that way to my best friend and got away with it.

"Fine, whatever. Sorry," he said, his voice lowered slightly. This wasn't the first time they'd been pissed at one another. We'd played this routine out many, many times before. But, I still held out hope they'd get along again eventually, like they did in high school.

"Everyone's waiting at Joe's," I reminded him.

"Do you have a curfew?" Tucker asked. Auden fumed.

"It's New Year's and I have cool parents. So, no," I said, grabbing my backpack from the floor.

"Are you sure you wanna go to Joe's? Dave said there's a kickass party downtown. We could get a hotel room."

"We told him we'd be there," Auden snapped. Joe and Auden had engaged in a flirtation for months over email. She was eager to see him. "If you want to go downtown, go with your precious Dave. Hadley and I are going to Joe's."

"Fine, maybe I will. Better than going to some lame ass 'sleepover' at Joe's," Tuck said.

"What? Tucker!" I said with wide eyes. "It's New Year's Eve. I want to spend it with you. Can't you see Dave back at school?"

I didn't even attempt to mask my disappointment. We'd been dating for two years and this was to be our third New Year's Eve together. The thought of being ditched pissed me off, but even more than that, it hurt. A lot.

"I guess I can catch a cab. Gimme an hour, though."

"Don't do us any favors," I said.

"Look, sorry. I'm having fun. What do you want from me?"

"Forget it. Happy New Year, Tuck." I slammed the phone shut and pursed my lips into a thin line.

"I'm sorry," Auden said.

"Let's not let him ruin our night. Let's go."

Joe's was fine. Nothing exciting, but a bunch of friends ringing in the new year with drinking games, more shots than I cared to remember and guitar jam sessions. Every so often, I'd glance at the door, hoping Tucker would show up. But, that didn't happen.

The next morning, when Auden dropped me off at home, we found my parents sitting on the couch, drinking their morning coffee. But, something was off. Something was wrong.

"Good morning," my dad said with a forced smile.

"Auden, can Hadley call you later? We need to talk to her…as a family," my mom asked, her eyes red and puffy. Had I misunderstood my lack of a curfew? I was pretty certain they approved of my staying at Joe's. And I didn't have any messages on my phone. Oh no, a divorce? Were they getting a divorce? Starting the new year apart? My heart pounded in my chest.

Auden pulled me in for a brief hug. "Call me later."

Her words were soft, gentle. She knew something was wrong as much as I did.

When Auden left, my parents sat in silence as I joined them in the living room. They glanced at one another with questioning eyes and furrowed brows.

"Are you guys getting a divorce?" I asked, eager to get the discussion over with.

"Oh god, no," my mom said, pursing her lips and looking at my dad.

"Sweetheart, I…I have cancer," my dad said softly.

"What? No…no." Bile rose to my throat. I covered my mouth with my hand, pleading with it to go back down.

"The next few months are going to be hard," he continued.

"What kind?" I asked.

"Pancreatic."

"That's a bad one, right?" I asked, turning to my mom.

"It is," she said, tears threatening to run from her eyes.

"So, what are we going to do?"

"Chemo, radiation. Whatever my doctor suggests."

"Okay," I replied.

"But, there are no guarantees," my dad said, his voice choking up. "You need to know that, sweetheart."

"Okay," I said again. I was still trying to process the words. Pancreatic cancer. Even as a self-involved college kid, I knew that diagnosis was fatal. I knew his chances were low. But I had no idea just how little time I had left with him.

That afternoon, a hung over and remorseful Tucker showed up at my door. When he saw what a mess I was, he assumed it was about him. He apologized, he groveled, he made tons of promises to be better. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down. I told him about my dad. And sweet Tucker returned. He held me as I cried. He stroked my hair. All was forgiven. All was forgotten. I needed him and he was there.

For years, what happened that morning overshadowed everything else in my life—the good and the bad. But, now, I had to face the facts. Sweet Tucker was gone. Perhaps forever. It was time to let go. Eventually the soft sound of his breath lulled me back into a troubled sleep.

I was late. And I was
never
late.

At first, when my period didn't arrive two weeks ago, I didn't notice. Things were so busy at work since I had started planning the musical performance and the Valentine's Day dance, that it never crossed my mind. Until I glanced at my desk calendar this morning, checking to see what time I needed to arrive to Auden's birthday dinner tonight. It was then that I saw the small red "x" that I had placed on January 14th. My heart skipped a beat looking at that simple marking. That date had come and gone with no sign of my period. I'd been on the pill for years, and month after month, it had arrived right on time without fail. Until that day.