Pictures of Lily (20 page)

‘I’m sorry,’ I say seriously. He nods and looks away. ‘Please look at me.’

He tears his eyes away from a group of clubbers outrageously dressed in neon colours and meets my gaze.

‘I really am.’

‘It’s okay,’ he says quietly, his face softening. He pushes a strand of hair away from my face. ‘You know, your dad and Lorraine have been married to each other for almost twenty years and their marriage works.’ I nod. ‘It’s nothing to be scared of, Lily.’

I nod again as he leans behind himself to place his drink down on a ledge. He turns back and puts his hands on my waist, pulling me between his legs.

‘I love you,’ he tells me, stroking my cheek with his thumb.

‘I love you, too.’ I offer him a weak smile and he dips his face to touch his lips to mine. Our kiss turns into a full-on snog.

‘Right, that’s it. I’m off.’

We break away to see a disgruntled Mel standing there. ‘I’ve had enough of feeling left out with you randy lot!’

I laugh and give her a hug, but we all decide to call it a night soon after that.

‘Who? Nicola?’

‘Yes.’ I give him a look.

‘Fuck off,’ he snorts as he chews on a mouthful of Easter egg. ‘I wouldn’t do that to Tina.’

‘You looked pretty cosy there in the back of the taxi,’ I say ominously. ‘Are you sure she didn’t slip you her tongue on the way out?’

‘She didn’t even slip me her phone number,’ he says.

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘Well, I
am
surprised. I’m sure she’ll ask me for yours when we get back to work on Tuesday.’

‘You’d better not give it to her.’ He winks at me. ‘Tina knows I’m a flirt, but she wouldn’t take kindly to a girl actually calling me.’

I smile at him, full of relief. ‘So what do you want to do today?’

‘Suggestions?’

‘We could go for an Easter barbecue at Richard’s friends’ house. Or we could go sightseeing, body boarding, check out a museum or aquarium or the zoo or something like that?’

‘Would Richard be offended if we didn’t go for lunch?’

‘Of course not. You’ve hardly got any time here – he’ll know you want to make the most of it.’

‘I wouldn’t mind going for a walk around the Rocks, play tourist for a day.’

‘We can do that.’

In the end, Richard decides to drop in at Sam and Molly’s and leave us to it, and I encourage him. We’ve got in some champagne and a lobster for tonight so we’ll still spend some of Easter Sunday together. As I rarely get to see Josh, it’s nice to be able to have quality time alone with him.

We walk down the hill into Manly and hop onto a green and cream ferry to the south side of the harbour. It’s a clear, sunny day, but there’s still a hefty breeze whipping my hair around my face.

‘It really suits you like that.’ Josh nods at my haircut.

‘I had it done years ago!’ I exclaim.

‘I know,’ he says. ‘But I don’t think I’ve ever said it out loud.’

‘Well, thanks.’

‘You’re quite a babe these days.’

‘Josh!’

He shrugs. ‘You are.’

‘Now you’re winding me up.’

He laughs. ‘I’m not.’

It’s funny how we can be like this with each other, but there’s absolutely no attraction there whatsoever. I love it. It’s comfortable. I notice a couple of girls staring at us enviously and instinctively want to mouth, ‘I’m not with him!’ but manage to restrain myself.

The sailboats are out in force again and the sun is hitting the waves with the same spark of light that made me first wish I had my camera back. On impulse I get out my clunky old contraption and aim it at a sailboat which is about to criss-cross with another. I click off a shot, but don’t think it quite works.

‘I recognise that camera,’ Josh interrupts before I can line up another shot. ‘You used to take loads of photos when you first moved to Australia, didn’t you? Then you stopped. That dawned on me one day when you were at school, but I never remembered to ask you why.’

I pause for a moment and stare down at the object in my hands. ‘I guess I got caught up with my new friends and forgot about my hobbies.’ I put the camera away, feeling too self-conscious to continue now. ‘Hey, do you ever bump into Tammy down the pub?’

‘Now and again.’

‘How’s Shane?’

Josh grins. ‘He’s pretty good. I’ll tell him you asked after him. His spirits will soar and then I’ll reveal you’re getting married and they’ll crash and burn.’

‘Meanie.’ I slap him on his arm, good-naturedly. ‘Has he got a girlfriend now?’

‘No. Still pining for you,’ he says sadly.

‘Stop it! Shane never fancied me, really.’

‘Yes, he did,’ Josh says firmly. ‘But then you became friends with his little sis and Tammy would have threatened to smash up all his computer games rather than see any friend of hers hook up with her brother.’

I laugh. ‘She
was
a bit like that, wasn’t she?’

‘Demented,’ Josh says fondly. He always did like Tammy. Not in that way, but she was feisty and never took any rubbish from him. I dare say he respected that.

‘Do you think I’m crazy to get married?’ I suddenly find myself asking him.

‘Er, no – not if Richard’s the right guy for you.’

‘Do
you
think he’s right for me?’

He laughs. ‘What a question! I hardly know him, but you both seem pretty happy.’

‘We are,’ I murmur. ‘Most of the time.’

‘What was going on with you two last night?’ he asks. It would have been impossible to miss the fact that we were having a row.

I sigh. ‘Oh, he was annoyed with me for not telling my colleagues about our
impending nuptials
.’ I say the last bit in a comedy fashion to make it sound less scary. It doesn’t work.

‘He’s got a point,’ Josh says thoughtfully. ‘Why hadn’t you told them? Most people wouldn’t be able to keep something like that to themselves.’

I shrug. ‘I don’t know. I didn’t want them to make a fuss.’ Even to me I sound unconvincing. ‘Are your dad and Janine happy?’

‘Yeah.’

‘That’s good to hear.’

‘You know, just because things haven’t worked out for your mum, doesn’t mean they won’t work out for you,’ he says directly.

I grin at him. ‘That’s very perceptive of you, Joshua. Richard says the exact same thing.’

‘Oh well, if he’s like me, why
wouldn’t
you want to marry him?’

We laugh and turn away from each other, but I’m thinking that he’s wrong. And Richard is wrong, too. It’s not the concept of marriage that frightens me. It’s Ben. It’s always been Ben. I told myself I’d lost him when he left, but deep down, I don’t know if I did. What if I met him again? What if his marriage didn’t work out? What would I do then?
That’s
why I can’t get married. I can’t take that risk. Should I try to find him again?

Lily, what the hell are you thinking? This is crazy talk. Ben is gone.
Richard is your here and now, and he’s a good here and now. No, better than that, he’s a
great
here and now. Of course you have the odd little argument, but so does everyone. I can’t believe you’re even contemplating finding Ben.

I swivel to face Josh and open my mouth to speak, but quickly close it again.

‘What?’ he asks.

Too late. Can’t stop the words from coming out. ‘Does Michael ever hear from Ben?’

‘Ben who?’

‘Ben Whiting. You know – Ben who used to work at the conservation park.’

‘Oh, him.’ Recognition lights up Josh’s face and my heart jumps. ‘No,’ he replies, making it wither again. ‘Not that I know of. I didn’t think you knew him that well.’

‘I didn’t.’ I try to cover my tracks. ‘But he looked after me when I started work and I wondered what became of him after he got married.’

Josh shrugs as the Opera House comes into view. He’s soon distracted while I stand there, full of guilt and kicking myself for taking steps towards a path that could potentially devastate my relationship, my boyfriend – and of course, me.

As predicted, Nicola asks me for Josh’s email address when I get back to work on Tuesday. Josh left yesterday morning and he admitted he was quite looking forward to getting back to his ‘bird’.

‘Sorry. No can do.’

‘Come on!’ Nicola cries.

‘Don’t shoot the messenger.’ I shuffle some papers on my desk, trying not to meet her eyes.

‘What do you mean, “messenger”?’ she asks. ‘Did he tell you not to give it to me?’

‘Technically speaking, he said “phone number”, but it amounts to the same thing.’

‘It does not.’

‘It does.’

‘Not.’

‘Does!’

‘What are you two going on about?’ Mel breaks us up as she arrives for work.

‘Nothing,’ Nicola mutters, a little flustered as she refocuses on her emails.

I could try to placate her, but I don’t think there’s anything I can say so I get on with checking my own emails instead.

Jonathan Laurence, the Editor-in-Chief of
Marbles
magazine, walks in.

‘Good morning,’ he says to Nicola and me. Mel has gone to make tea so he’ll have no flirty chat today. ‘Good weekend?’

‘Great, thanks,’ I answer pleasantly.

Nicola manages a small shrug, but that’s it.

‘Can I ask you girls a favour?’ Mr Laurence says.

Mr Laurence?
His name is
Jonathan
. Now I’m sounding like Mel!

‘Sure,’ I respond.

Nicola says nothing, so
Jonathan
directs his attention at me.

‘Our editorial assistant is ill and our picture assistant is on holiday this week, and we’ve got a bunch of photographers coming in with their portfolios. Could you have them wait down here and call up to me when they arrive?’

‘Of course,’ I tell him. ‘Do they have allocated time slots?’

‘Yes.’

‘Shall I make a note of them, and then I won’t bother you if you’re still with the one before?’

He looks relieved. ‘That would be great.’ He rummages around in his briefcase and pulls out a diary, flicking through to the correct week. ‘Here they are.’ He passes it across the reception desk to me and I glance down at the notations under today’s date. I quickly scribble down the names and times on my pad and hand back his diary, but not before my curious eyes have unwittingly scanned the next couple of day’s worth of entries.

Wednesday:
Lisa flowers

Thursday:
Anniversary/Pier Frank launch

Pier Frank
. . . I know that name. That’s right, he’s a photographer. I remember seeing an article about him in . . . I think it might have been
Marbles
magazine, actually. Not that I read
Marbles
– it’s a glossy men’s title – but we try to keep up with what’s happening in all our publications.

‘Thanks so much for that – sorry, I don’t know your name.’ He looks apologetic.

‘Lily.’ I smile. ‘And it’s not a problem.’

‘Are you English?’ he asks as Mel returns with our tea. I see her momentarily falter and tea sloshes over the side of one of the cups. She winces as the heat scalds her hand, but skilfully manages to stay quiet.

‘Yes, I grew up there.’ I answer his question.

‘Good morning, Mr Laurence,’ Mel chirps.

‘Good morning, Melissa,’ he says back.

‘Good weekend?’

‘Lovely, thanks. Yourself?’

‘Fab.’

‘Great. Well, thanks for that, Lily.’

‘You’re welcome.’

He smiles at Mel and me and looks towards Nicola, but her head is still buried in her computer.

‘Have a good day.’ And then he’s off up the stairs.

‘What was all that about?’ Mel asks excitedly, pulling out her stool.

‘Are you alright?’ I check the burn, concerned.

‘Oh yeah, don’t worry about that.’ She waves her hand dismissively. ‘Tell me,’ she insists, so I fill her in. ‘You held his diary,’ she says dreamily.

‘I also noticed that he’s buying his wife flowers for their anniversary on Thursday.’ I nudge her jokily.

‘Talk about kicking her in the guts,’ Nicola snaps spitefully.

Mel and I glance at her in shock, then Mel gives me a look that says, ‘What the hell’s got into
her
?’

I shrug and avert my gaze, not wanting to say anything. I hate confrontation and Nicola’s nastiness instantly makes me feel quite nauseous.

‘Sorry,’ Nicola mutters, so I dare to look up again. She glances from Mel to me and back again. ‘Josh didn’t want me to have his number. Or email address,’ she adds. ‘I’m a bit mortified.’

‘Well, he does have a girlfriend.’ Mel states the obvious.

‘I know.’ Nicola looks away, embarrassed. ‘It’s just that I put so much time and energy into getting an Orgasm . . .’ Her face breaks into a grin and we all crack up. ‘Bastard,’ Nicola says under her breath when our laughs subside. Then she grins again and relief washes over me. ‘So, when are all these sexy photographers coming in?’

Mel has to organise a conference this morning so she has no choice but to leave me to liaise with Jonathan. It all goes swimmingly until the fourth photographer needs to use the toilet and then walks into the lift without his portfolio. I rush after him, but the doors close in my face.

‘I’ll bring it up!’ I shout, not sure if he can hear me. I push the button to call another lift and step inside when the doors swish open. The black portfolio is heavy in my hands. I glance down at it and am on the verge of unzipping it to have a quick look when the lift stops at the third floor and someone gets in. We travel up to the fifth and I walk out, but there’s no one waiting on the landing. I dither for a moment and watch the red light display above the lift the photographer took. It’s now on the ninth floor. I glance at the door to
Marbles
magazine and go through, remembering that the editorial assistant is ill so there’s no one to immediately ask. Jonathan’s office is on the other side of the room and I feel self-conscious as I walk past all the trendy magazine people. Through the glass I can see Jonathan sitting at a desk along with the Picture Director, Guy Jenson. I knock on the door and push it open.