Picks & Pucks (32 page)

Eli and Janae showed up and walked with me to the waiting area. Our group would be up after the Zamboni cleared the ice. I’d drawn the last position to skate this afternoon.

Janae fiddled with her ID tags and let me lean against her warm body for a few minutes. She took my warm-up jacket, giving me a little shove toward the curtain. Everything was blurry and the noise from the crowd quieted. The lights dimmed, and when I pushed aside the curtain, I was no longer in the same arena. In a spotlight at center ice was a small boy clinging to his mother’s hand while she pulled him around. His squeals of delight and laughter filled the air.

The child vanished, and the woman looked at me. “Hello, Justin,” she said.

“Hi, Mom,” I answered.

“I’m glad you’re finally here,” she said.

“Where exactly is here?”

“Skate with me,” she said, holding out her hand for me to take. Her touch was warm and solid, like it had always been when I needed her. I chanced a glance at her and her smile lit up the arena.

“Am I dead? Oh, holy shit, I’m dead. I died at Nationals. This is so not good.”

“Justin, you’re not dead. This is your chance to face your final demon and win your freedom. Just like in your long program.”

“You’ve seen my long program?”

“I’ve seen everything, baby.”

“Everything? Oh God, I’m never having sex again.”

“You take things so literally,” she said, patting my cheek. “But I do think you need to work things out with CJ. He’s a wonderful man.”

“Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure that won’t be happening.”

“Don’t be so sure about that.”

“Mom,” I said. My blades dug into the ice, and I stopped skating. “Mom, I’m sorry. I miss you so much, and if it wasn’t for me, you would still be with us.”

“And there it is,” she said. “It wasn’t your fault, Justin. It was something that happened, an accident.

“But… but I… It was me you had to, to—” I stammered, and she put a finger over my lips.

“No. You did not cause the accident. It wasn’t your fault.” She pulled me into a hug, holding tightly. “I thought you straightened that out on New Year’s Eve.”

“Is that what really happened?”

“Yes. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Janae or Jack’s fault, and it wasn’t your father’s fault. It just happened.”

“I miss you.”

“And I miss you, but I am always near. Tell Janae and Jack I’m proud of them too. Tell them I love them both very much. Tell your dad….”

“He knows, Mom. We all know,” I said, choking back the tears. I clung tightly to her, but I could already feel her slipping away from me.

“It’s time to move forward with your life, Justin. I believe in you. Find your joy.” She kissed me on the cheek and slowly the scene in front of me dissolved. The roar of the crowd filled my ears as Brian Fonta walked by me and smirked. I should have sneezed on the dickhead.

“Justin,” Janae whispered. “It’s time.”

I nodded. She touched my forehead and shook her head. My skin was on fire, but I was chilled. Not a good combination.

“Find your joy,” she whispered.

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

They announced my name and I knew I couldn’t turn back now. I needed to show everyone I belonged on the ice, that I owned the top step of that podium.

The audience settled as I took my starting pose. I chanced a quick glance at the audience in the general direction of my seats, but everything was too hazy to tell who was there. Besides, I knew it wasn’t him. I wheezed a couple of deep breaths as the haunting first notes of my music echoed through the arena.

As the program came to a close, the audience rose to their feet, lifting me to completion. I almost went into the final spin, but I changed my mind and tossed my arms into the air, stretching toward the ceiling. I let my head fall back and I looked up at the ceiling, still gliding forward on my blades. I mouthed the word freedom as the roar of the crowd filled my ears. It was so loud it almost seemed quiet.

My mom appeared, standing next to a single demon.

“Hi, Mom,” I whispered. “Was it okay?”

“It was perfect,” she said. “But you should check your front pocket.”

“What?”

The music stopped, and I dropped to my knees, wishing that someone would come haul me off the ice. I had nothing left to give. I could truly say I left it on the ice. It was absolutely insane, but my fingers drifted to my pocket and I felt a small bulge. I reached in and dragged out a small scrap of fabric. I knew what it was immediately. It was a piece of CJ’s T-shirt.

The crowd was screaming, willing me to wave or acknowledge them, but I couldn’t move. I clutched the small piece of fabric, hoping it meant something.

“Do you need help?” I looked up and thought I saw Brian Fonta with his hand extended in front of my face. This couldn’t possibly be happening, so I let him drag me to my feet.

“Jesus, Justin, you’re burning up.”

“I feel like shit,” I mumbled. “How come you’re helping me? You’re usually a big fat fuckhead.”

“Thank you for those lovely words,” Brian said. “I could leave you out here.”

We made it to the boards and he lifted me over the step, where I stumbled and almost fell on my face. Eli and Janae caught me around the waist and helped me put on my skate guards.

A commotion and some yelling came from behind the curtain. Several security guards were trying to hold back a large group of people. It didn’t work and the curtains were torn down by a stampede of hockey players.

“Hi, Spock,” I said. “Live long and prosper.”

I had now entered another dimension.

Danny grabbed me around the waist, spinning me in a circle. It made me want to barf.

“You were great,” he whispered, and I felt his lips brush against my ear. More hockey players circled me, hugging and congratulating me. It was an odd moment in my life.

Security guards were trying to clear the area, but my dad was waving them off, telling them it was okay. When Kris finished squeezing me, Danny stepped aside and pushed CJ out front.

“Hey,” he said, biting his lip. “You were great.”

“What are you doing here?”

“You gave me tickets,” he said.

“But there were girls sitting in the seats on Friday.”

“My sisters.”

“I must be dead. My mother told me I wasn’t dead,” I said.

“You’re not dead, Justin,” CJ said.

I poked him. “You feel real.”

“I am real. Is it okay that I’m here?”

I nodded, and he bent forward and captured my lips. I laughed and wondered if the television crew was censoring us.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” I said, trying to push him away.

“I don’t give a shit who knows about me or us. If there is still an us?”

“No, it’s not that. I’m sick,” I said. “Wait! Us? You want an us?”

He shook his head and squeezed me. “I’ve been in love with you since the first time I kissed you.”

“Are you sure I’m not dead?”

He rolled his eyes.

“You love me?”

“I do,” he said. “And I’m sorry for all the stuff I kept from you and that you got hurt. It scared the shit out of me. I thought keeping away from you would keep you safe.”

“Could you get me out of here?” I mumbled.

“What about your scores?”

“Oh right, I skated. Did I fall on my ass or stay on my feet?”

“The program was over-the-top perfect, Justin.”

“Did you put this in my pocket?” I asked, waving the T-shirt piece in his face.

“Yep.”

I coughed and smiled weakly. Eli, Janae, and Marina were frantically waving from the kiss and cry area. “Don’t let go of me.”

“Never again,” he said.

Janae and Eli made room for CJ to sit down next to me as the scores were announced. I didn’t care what anyone thought of the program. In my eyes, it had felt perfect and that was what counted.

Everyone around me was sobbing and cheering. Marina gave me a thumbs-up and I was flabbergasted when several tears dripped down her face.

“I am so proud of you,” she whispered. We both watched the board as my name shot to the top of the list. I was national champion. The crowd was screaming and my fellow competitors rushed over to congratulate me. A microphone was shoved in my face, but I deflected it, pointing at Janae and Eli to take the interview. The commentator was confused, but when they told her I was sick, she understood. I leaned against CJ’s side and closed my eyes.

“I don’t think I can make it to the podium,” I murmured.

“I’ll help you,” Brian said. “If you’ll let me? You deserve this moment.”

“Promise you won’t leave?” I asked CJ.

“I’ll be around for as long as you need me.”

“Wow, that’s going to be a long time,” I said.

“I hope so.”

The ceremony started, and true to his word, Brian Fonta practically carried me to the podium. He supported me until I climbed to the final step. I was going to make this step by myself. A warm rush of air whirled around me, and I smiled. Looking up at the ceiling, I pretended it was a star-filled evening sky.

“I found my joy, Mom,” I murmured.

A sweet sigh of warm air touched me again, slowly drifting away when I bent to receive my medal. I was the US National champion. I swayed, and Brain steadied me by placing his hand on my hip.

“Thanks.”

When the ceremony concluded, Brian helped me down the steps and walked me to the edge of the ice.

“I’ll see you at the Olympics,” he said.

“Count on it,” I said, shaking his hand. His coach and team met him at the boards and smiled at him, patting him on the back. His mom hugged me and told me to get some rest.

“I would really like to go back to the hotel to rest before I have to come back and skate again,” I said.

“Darling,” Marina said. “You do not have to skate in the show.”

“Yeah, I do. I have something special planned.”

“You are crazy,” she said.

“I’m sick,” I said.

I slept on CJ’s shoulder in the cab. I think he carried me up to my room, where I slept until the last possible moment.

“The skate is for you,” I said. “So listen to the music, and watch me skate.”

“What if I wouldn’t have been here?”

“Didn’t matter. I was skating this program no matter what.”

CJ smiled and touched my cheek.

L
ADIES
AND
gentlemen, please welcome to the ice your new Men’s National Champion, Justin Corrin.

I took my place center ice. The sound of the Backstreet Boys singing “In a World Like This” filled the arena. I winked at CJ and tore across the ice. The audience clapped and cheered during the whole piece. I finished and punched the air but had enough energy for one final victory lap. When I stepped off the ice, I almost collapsed. This time I had nothing left. I wanted to sleep for days.

“I’ve got you,” CJ whispered, quoting the song.

We stayed at the hotel two extra days before I was able to travel. Dad let CJ stay with me, saying he needed the sleep as badly as me. We spent most of the time wrapped around each other, sleeping. We talked some about CJ’s time at his old school and my guilt over my mom’s death.

“Why didn’t you tell me what was happening?”

“When I came here, I thought I could just play hockey, go to school, and move on with my life. I didn’t expect to meet you and have my life turned upside down.”

I snorted. “Yeah, well, you did the same to me.”

“I was so tired of all the shit from the lawyers and my crappy family to the shit I was taking from people for getting the coach fired. I didn’t shoot the fucking video. I didn’t post the thing online. But I wish I would’ve stood up to my asshole coach.”

“I can’t imagine how you felt.”

“You made it go away, so I tried to hide in my happiness with you. It didn’t work and it almost got you seriously injured. I still can’t believe my old teammates went after you. Danny warned me it was going to happen and just stepping away from you wasn’t going to protect you.”

“Do you still have feelings for Cody?”

“No, it was over before the incident. He was too far in the closet for me. But, fuck, it still hurt to see him with Joel and Theo, and you on the ground bleeding.”

“You still wouldn’t talk to me.”

“I felt like shit and didn’t know how to deal with it. Your dad helped a lot and I even talked to your brother. He’s a pretty cool guy. You’re lucky to have him.”

“That wasn’t always the case. He can be a giant asshole too.”

“But at least he’s here now. Most of my family pretends I don’t exist. My sisters called after they heard about all the arrests. We’re trying to talk.”

“It’s a start.”

“I talked to Danny a lot too.”

“Danny?”

“Do you still feel something for him?”

I gasped. “How do you know about him?”

“He told me.”

“Really?”

CJ nodded. “He was incredibly protective of you, and—eventually—very supportive of me.”

“I suppose I’ll always feel something for him, but I love you.”

He held me tightly, giving me lazy kisses. I felt him start to respond, but unfortunately, I ended up falling asleep before anything got started.

B
EING
BACK
home meant getting back to work. The Olympics were in a few weeks, so my evil new coaches started to crack the whip the moment I walked into the house. Janae and Eli shouted at CJ for a few minutes before piling on top of him and making him promise not to hide things.

“Welcome to the family,” I whispered. His smile lit up the entire room.

“Dad’s picking you up in the morning,” Janae said.

“And move your shit out of my room,” Eli yelled at CJ.

“Where am I supposed to put it?” CJ asked.

“Oh, please,” Eli said. “It’s pointless to keep everything in a room you don’t even use. Besides, Janae and I are redecorating.”

He held up a pile of paint chips and fabric samples.

“We’ll leave you two decorating divas alone, then,” CJ said, yawning dramatically.

“There is no way you’re tired,” Eli said. “Just go have sex, but keep the moaning and bed banging to a minimum.”