Picking Up the Pieces (17 page)

I looked down at the table, unable to hold his gaze any longer.
Max was coming between us again. But this time, things between Max and me were different. I knew that. Though Adam didn’t. And I couldn’t blame him. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t want Adam to keep in contact with his side action. What he was asking me for wasn’t unreasonable. But, for some reason I couldn’t quite figure out, telling Adam that I would expunge Max from my life felt . . . wrong.

I couldn’t get logic and emotions on the same page.
A relationship with Adam was the one thing I wanted more than anything. But when it came time to prove it, I hesitated.
Why the hell is this decision so difficult? It should be a no-brainer.

Adam was everything I wanted.
Everything I needed. I had dreamed about the possibility of him taking me back for the past eight months. And now that it was finally here, I was going to risk it all for Max? Why was I doing this? Again?

“I know I can’t ask you to stop seeing him.
The decision is clearly yours. But . . . now you know where I stand. So think about it and let me know what you decide.” Adam gave me a stiff smile and I immediately felt unworthy of even that small act of kindness.

I was failing him already.
By taking time to think about something that should have been an automatic response, I was telling him all he needed to know. I would give anything for him. Anything except Max.

We managed to hold a casual discussion
for the remainder of dinner, but it was awkward and loaded with unresolved issues. When we returned to my complex and Adam walked me to the lobby, I didn’t even bother asking him if he wanted to come upstairs. Our relationship felt like it was starting to dissolve before it had even had a chance to form. And as Adam pulled me to him for a hug goodbye, I held him tightly and inhaled deeply into his shoulder, wanting to commit his scent to memory.

As I walked into my apartment and locked the door behind me, I lost all control.
I slunk down against the door and cried for the first time in months.

***

Once I pulled myself together, I stood and made my way to my bedroom. I walked in, threw my purse onto my bureau, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the process.

“Who are you?” I asked my ref
lection. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself.
Really
looking. I felt like I was the Lily of eight months ago: desperate for approval from the man I wanted, but still fucking it all up. Weak and vulnerable, the glimpse of the old Lily was sobering.

I straightened my spine and lifted my chin.
This pathetic little girl wasn’t me anymore. Ultimately, it was
my
approval that I needed—no one else’s. And as I continued studying myself, I realized why I hadn’t agreed to stop seeing Max. It was because, even though I wanted a life with Adam, I didn’t want Adam to
be
my life. I worried that if I gave in on that, then I’d give in on other things. Independence was
something that took me a long time to find, and I didn’t want to throw it away the first time it was tested.

While losing Adam would be a decision that would haunt me, possibly forever, casting aside a friendship that was, for whatever reason, important to me could be damaging.
What would I be willing to give up next time simply to put Adam at ease? I unzipped my dress and unclasped my bra, allowing both to fall to the floor before reaching to my bed for the tank top I slept in.

But I didn’t put it on.
I gazed at myself, bare. No pretenses, no illusions, no hiding. I needed to ask the tough questions. And I needed to answer them. Did Max still arouse me? Yes. Did my eyes sometimes go to him and linger there, unable to look away? Yes. Was I happy when I was with him? Yes.

Did I love him?

I lowered my head to stare at the carpet.
I took some deep breaths before forcing my head up again. Did I love Max? Yes. In the way a girl will always love the dangerous boy she grew up with. He may not be her future, but he was instrumental in making her who she was as an adult. I’d only truly been an adult for a matter of months, but I had no doubt that Max had shaped this person I now saw reflected back at me. And now it was my turn to be that person to Max.

Pulling the tank top over my head, I gave myself a nod before turning and walking toward the bathroom to get ready for bed.
If Adam and I were meant to be, then we’d be. I wouldn't compromise who I'd become—and who I still might grow to be—because that wouldn't be fair to me. And I’d never be able to live with Adam if I couldn’t even live with myself.

Chapter 19: Lily

Things in my life were tense, and I had never been more thankful for Christmas break. I had spoken to Adam a few times since our date on Friday, but our conversations had been stilted and pregnant with the things we weren’t saying. Eventually I knew we’d have the talk we’d both been clearly avoiding, and that it would either be a beginning or an end for us. I wasn’t in a hurry to find out which.

I was sitting at my kitchen table eating a bowl of oatmeal and enjoying a cup of coffee when my phone rang. I looked down at it:
my parents.

“Hello?”

“Lily, honey, Merry Christmas.”

“Thanks, mom.
You too. What are you guys up to?”

“Oh
, nothing really. We wanted to give you a call before we exchanged our gifts and started getting ready for dinner.” It was my parents’ turn to host Christmas for family and a few friends in Chicago. My mom was disappointed that she wouldn't get to spend the holiday with me, but I really wasn’t interested in having a repeat of last year.
Even though my relationship with my parents was much stronger, I didn’t want to tempt fate. “What are your plans today?”

“I’m going with Amanda to Shane’s for dinner.
He’s cooking for his family and Amanda’s mom.” I had already told her all of this of course, but something told me she didn’t quite believe me. Ever since my breakup with Adam, she worried about me a lot more. I kept trying to reassure her that this wasn’t an episode of
Intervention
and I wasn’t sitting alone in my apartment huffing computer duster.

“That’s good.
I’m glad you’re going somewhere.”

I rolled my eyes.
“Where’s Dad?”

“Right here.
I’ll put him on.”

I heard muffled voices before my dad came on the line.
“Lily! Merry Christmas, princess.”

“Merry Christmas, Dad.
So, you guys ready for the Hamilton and Tasker invasion tonight?”

My dad let out a grunt.
“There’s no getting ready for that. Hey, you wanna place a bet on which of your mother’s relatives gets drunk first?”

I laughed as I heard a slap through the phone and my mother’s irritated voice.
He was right though. The Taskers were a rowdy bunch and usually couldn’t make it more than a couple of hours without verbally or physically assaulting one another.

“Don’t encourage him, Lily,” my mother scolded as she came back on the phone.
She must have ripped it out of my dad’s hand, since I could still hear him laughing in the background.

“Have a great day, Lily.
I love you,” my dad yelled.

“Tell him I love him
too.”

“She says she loves you too.
Now go make yourself useful and start peeling potatoes,” my mom ordered. I heard her sigh before she spoke again. “I miss you, Lily. Christmas isn’t the same without you here.”

I dropped my head to the table and started banging it against the wood softly so my mom wouldn’t hear it through the phone.
No one knew how to lay a guilt trip on me like my mother. “I know. I miss you guys too. But I hate traveling over the holidays. And work has been stressful, so I really want to just relax.” Most of what I had said was true. I did hate traveling over the holidays and I was feeling a lot of stress, though it wasn’t because of work.

“I understand.
But I still wish you were here. With all of this snow we’ve been having, I didn’t get a chance to mail your gifts. I’ll send them out tomorrow.”

“Mom, we talked about this.
You sent me to Europe over the summer. That definitely takes care of all gifts for at least the next five years.”

“Oh, stop.
They’re just a few small things.”

I shook my head, but didn’t pursue the matter further.
“I mailed your gifts out two days ago, so you should be getting them soon.”

“You shouldn’t have gotten us
anything. Save your money.”

“They’re just a few small things,” I mocked.

“Alright, alright.
We’ll call you when they arrive. Have a great day and be safe, okay?”

“Always.
Love you.”

“Love you.”

I disconnected the call and set my phone down on the table. It was only eight in the morning. I didn’t need to be at Shane’s until three. Amanda had spent the night at his place so she could help him get ready for dinner, though she spent most nights there anyway. Rinsing my bowl and mug, I put them in the dishwasher and made my way to my bedroom.
May as well go back to bed.

I put my phone on my bedside table and climbed back under the covers.
I thought about shooting a quick text to Adam to wish him a Merry Christmas, but I had already done that when we spoke last night and I also knew he’d most likely be opening gifts with Eva right now. However, this knowledge didn’t stop me from hoping it was him when my phone beeped with an incoming message.

Merry Christmas, Lily.
Hope Santa was good to you. Give me a call later if you get time.

             
Max. I stared at the message for a minute before setting it back on the table without typing a reply. I hadn’t spoken to Max much since Friday and the irony wasn’t lost on me. I wasn’t willing to stop talking to Max when Adam asked me to, but yet I was pulling away from him anyway. Though my intentions weren’t to ignore him forever. I just . . . needed a break. At least this was what I told myself as my eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep.

***

I pulled up to Shane’s house at 2:30, thinking that they could probably use some help getting everything ready, and also because I was tired of sitting around by myself. I knocked as a courtesy, but didn’t wait for anyone to let me in. I entered Shane’s home that had been tastefully decorated and was filled with delicious aromas.

             
“Amanda? Shane?” I called out to alert them to my presence. I didn’t want to accidentally walk in on them having sex somewhere.

             
“Lily, thank God! I’m in the kitchen.”

             
“Hey,” I said as I walked in and gave Amanda a quick hug. “Merry Christmas. What’s going on?”

             
“Merry Christmas. And nothing, unless you count the fact that I’m about to slaughter my boyfriend and serve him for dinner.”

             
I let out a laugh. “Why?” My eyes scanned the kitchen. Every available surface was covered with food. “Are you guys doubling as a soup kitchen tonight? Why is there so much food in here?”

             
“Exactly.”

             
I looked at her questioningly.

             
“Shane cooked all of this healthy, Paleo shit that no one’s gonna touch. Then he had the nerve to accuse me of trying to poison his family with all of my ‘processed bullshit,’ as he called it.”

             
I couldn’t contain my smile. “Where is he now?”

             
“Who knows. He probably caught me eying the knives and decided that it was best to leave me alone.”

             
“Amanda, what do you expect? He’s a nutritionist and a CrossFit coach, for Christ’s sake. Of course he’s going to give you a hard time when you cook a ton of fattening food.”

             
Amanda raised the knife she was holding and pointed it in my direction. “Listen, you are going to have to pick a side here, and if I were you, I’d choose wisely.”

             
“You’re ridiculous,” I laughed. “So what can I help with?”

             
“You can hold the trash bag while I throw half of this junk away,” I heard from behind me.

             
I turned to see Shane standing in the doorway. Even though he was Amanda’s boyfriend, I couldn’t help but drink him in. He was really quite a specimen. Not quite six feet tall, he was built like a fucking tank. But his blond hair and light eyes gave him a gentle quality that offset his imposing stature.

             
“If you touch my food, they will need bloodhounds to locate your body,” Amanda threatened without looking up.

             
“Do you have any idea how hard I had to work to get your body to look as good as it does right now? How much of your bullshit I had to endure? And you’re just going to throw it all away on macaroni and cheese and sweet potatoes coated in syrup.” Even Shane had a hard time keeping a straight face as he spoke. Amanda could gain two hundred pounds, and Shane would still be head over heels for her.

             
“Shane, if you ever want to see this body naked again, you will shut the hell up.”

             
I propped my elbow on the island and rested my head on my hand, settling in for the show. These two fighting was truly a spectacle.

             
Shane walked to Amanda and pressed his body up against hers. “That threat goes both ways, sweetheart.”

             
Amanda stiffened at the feel of Shane behind her. If I had an ounce of shame, I may have felt uncomfortable witnessing their exchange, but I didn’t so I stayed where I was, riveted.

             
Amanda quickly regained her composure and continued chopping vegetables, though I saw her grind backward into Shane slightly. “Does it now?” she asked coyly.

             
“Absolutely.”

             
“Why don’t we just let everyone else decide? We’ll put all the food out and see what people enjoy more.”