Phoenix (11 page)

judge,” Devon said, kicking back in the chair and pushing

himself so that he was teetering on the back two legs.

Blake sighed and said, “I suppose,” and that was that.

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lake didn’t really know what was going on, in his head

B or otherwise, when he got out of class that evening. He

was pretty sure he hadn’t retained a single detail about what

the professor had been talking about, but that was all right

considering he’d aced the class in high school and it was just

a refresher for more intense science classes.

No, the reason it bothered him was because his mind had

been focusing on everything that had happened in the last

couple of days. It all felt a little weird to him, that so many

people were suddenly interested in him, even in a friendly

manner, or in Dominic’s case, not so friendly.

He was still reeling over Riley’s casual revelation, and he

still couldn’t quite bring himself to believe it because it just

sounded so crazy to him. He’d been convinced for so long

that he was just the trans kid that was going to be alone for

the rest of his life. No one wanted to deal with a

half-transitioned weirdo like him after all. Especially not

someone like Dominic.

The idea that someone was interested in him made him

shiver. Normal people would have been thrilled at the

thought of having people around him for once, people who

liked him and understood him, but it honestly kind of scared

him. At the same time, he was desperate to have someone

that close to him, who understood and loved him enough to

accept him in his half-transitioned state. That desire was

quiet but so intense it burned sometimes.

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Joey James Hook

He didn’t like admitting that to himself.

He was waiting for one or all of them to decide he was too

much and walk away. The one he was most terrified of

doing that was Ethan, whom he’d known the longest. The

thought of Ethan leaving him was crippling.

He went back to his dorm after class, knowing that Devon

wasn’t going to be there. He stepped into the empty room

and tossed his bag down carelessly, letting himself sink onto

his bed with a heavy sigh before he moved to take his head

into his hands with a heavy sigh.

He felt the sudden urge to cry and he hated that. Boys

didn’t cry, right? Here he was, though, teetering near that

edge where coherent thought was just a no-go and he let

himself get taken down into the vortex of his poisonous

thoughts.

He took a shaky inward breath and shook his head, trying

to just shake it off. His father had taunted him with those

words, treating him like the boys he coached on the baseball

team. He didn’t want to think about him, though, because

that’d just make it worse.

He decided to focus on his mother, and he wondered

what she was doing. She was probably working all the time

to stay away from her husband. Blake never understood

quite why she stayed with him when she couldn’t really

stand him, but it wasn’t his business to try and separate

them.

He sighed and just shook his head, leaning over to his

laptop and turning on Stone Temple Pilots to calm him

down. He didn’t want to linger on it like this, he never did,

but somehow his mind always took him back to it.

He could have sworn he’d left his angst back in high

school, but it’d only gotten worse lately. He was starting to

really hate the fact that he kept lapsing into obvious silences

that even near-strangers could notice. At least now they

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weren’t picking on him for it though, so that was a good sign

he supposed. They actually cared and asked, instead of just

laughing at him for being a freak and being depressed.

Blake finally just sucked it up and grabbed blindly for his

cell phone, flipping it open and unlocking the keyboard

before typing in his mother’s phone number. The only

person he could talk to without fail when he was like this

was her. Sometimes not even Ethan could help him because

it seemed he was feeding more into the problem at the

moment.

He laid back on his bed with a sigh and listened to the

shrill ring of the dial tone and then the ringing that came

with listening to the three rings his mother always waited

before picking up the phone.

“Hey, sweetheart” she answered like she always did, and

Blake smiled a bit with a soft sigh, relaxing back into his bed.

He always felt better after talking to his mother and maybe

this time wouldn’t be any different. Hell, he was banking on

it.

“Hey, Mom,” he replied, turning onto his side and curling

into himself, cradling his phone between the bed and his

head, shutting his eyes and just listening to her.

“How are you, honey?” she asked in a soft voice. “I’ll take

by your silence that not so good?” she finally guessed after

moments of quiet silence where he just listened to the sound

of her breathing.

“Not really,” he said, sighing and rubbing over his

forehead. “I mean I guess I’m doing okay, but I can’t stop

thinking and I hate it. I keep thinking about my transition

and how nothing seems to change no matter what I do. I feel

like I should just go back and be like
hey, guess what, psyche,

I’m a girl after all
, you know?”

“Blake, I know better than anyone that you shouldn’t do

that, because this is what makes you happy,” his mother

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Joey James Hook

said in her quiet, gentle but firm tone of voice, the

dichotomy working to soothe him in a way that no one and

nothing else could.

Blake sighed and processed what his mother had just said

for a moment, biting his lip and letting the words warm him

and calm him, but there was still one thing that bothered

him. It was bothering him very much, in fact. Some part of

him didn’t want to say it, but he knew somewhere that he

had to.

“You do think of me as your son, right?” he asked in a

childish voice after a moment. He hated that he’d let that

slip, but it was a question that had been burning inside him

for a long time. He knew this transition was just as hard on

his mother as it was on him.

“Baby,” his mother started, trailing off with a sigh. He

could tell she was thinking pretty hard about her answer to

him. Which wasn’t a good sign, he thought bitterly to

himself. “It’s hard sometimes because you were my baby

girl, but if this is what makes you happy, yes, I do think of

you as my son
because
that’s what makes you happy. You’re

my child, what gender you are doesn’t matter at the end of

the day.”

“Mom, stop it. You’re gonna make me cry,” Blake

mumbled half into the pillow and half into the speaker as he

sighed a little. “It’s just…there’s this guy at school. He’s

always bullying me and making fun of me, and my friend

Riley said it’s probably because he likes me. I think that’s so

backwards, Mom. I don’t get it.”

“Some guys are like that, Blake,” his mother said in a

compassionate, understanding tone. “Hell, your father was

like that. He’d pick on me so much during school. Then one

day during a party he was drunk and asked me out. Don’t

even ask me why I said yes,” she paused to laugh, “but I’m

kind of glad I did.”

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“Why?” Blake asked, turning back onto his back with a

sigh. He couldn’t imagine enduring someone like his father

or Dominic, let alone live with him willingly. He absolutely

could not imagine loving him like he knew his mother loved

his father. The reason itself had always eluded him, though.

“Because if I’d never gotten with him, I’d never have you,

baby,” she said, and Blake quirked a small smile, shaking his

head and throwing his arm over his face with a soft sigh. It

didn’t make much sense to him because she could have left

him at any time. Hell,
he
would have.

“I guess that’s a good point. Don’t you ever get sick of

him being a dumbass, though?” Blake asked, his tone a little

hesitant because he still wasn’t sure how his mother felt

about his father considering how stupid he could be

sometimes.

“Honestly? Yeah, I do. A lot of times, actually, but I love

him, so I endure it,” his mother said, and Blake shook his

head with another heavy sigh. It wasn’t good to just endure

someone or at least that was how he thought.

“Mom, you’re weird. I could never do that,” he told her,

smiling a bit when he heard her laugh. It was soft and high,

like the soft chiming of bells and that soothed him even

further.

“I know I’m weird. Where do you think you got it from,

your dad? Not likely,” she said, and he finally let out a soft

laugh. It was true—he was very strange and he knew his

father hated it. “Oh, I heard that! Did I make you laugh?”

“Yes,” Blake replied with another laugh, shaking his head

and sitting up with another heavy exhale, running his hand

through his hair. “So, all that did was make it seem like

Dominic’s crushing on me. Which I don’t want because he’s

a fucking dick and I couldn’t handle it the way you can.”

“You really don’t like him, do you?” his mother said with

half-amused laugh.

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Joey James Hook

“No, I don’t. He calls me Jillian and refuses to call me

Blake. I fucking hate him for it, and my friends have noticed

because Riley beat the shit out of him for it,” Blake said,

laughing a little.

“Well, good to know you have friends like that, baby. You

deserve them,” she said.

I don’t think so, he thought deprecatingly to himself, but

that wasn’t something he was going to say to his mother.

“Yeah, I guess. Riley’s pretty protective even though he’s a

relatively new friend, and we all know Ethan’s a good

friend,” he said with a small smile as he leaned back on the

wall. The fondness he felt for his best friend always leaked

into his voice and he couldn’t help it.

“How is Ethan, anyway?” she asked.

“He’s doing all right, I guess. He’s rooming with Dominic

this semester so it’s been rough for him and we only have a

couple classes together, but I see him after class and all that,”

he explained. “Last night we watched Donnie Darko until

Dominic came home and tried to pick a fight with me.”

“So, Ethan’s rooming with the guy who’s bullying you?

Isn’t that ironic,” his mother said in a dry voice, and Blake

laughed a little, nodding even though he knew damn well

that she couldn’t see it.

“Yeah, it’s pretty ironic, huh?” he said quietly. “He’s been

acting weird, though. Like my roommate, Devon, asked the

two of us if we were dating, and he got all quiet when I said

we were just friends.”

“Ohh,” she said, a sympathetic note in her tone. “Baby, I

think he’s…”

“No, don’t say he’s in love with me, Mom. That’s

ridiculous,” Blake cut her off, shaking his head and rubbing

at his eye with the heel of his palm. He didn’t want to think

of the implications that came with it.

“Well, baby, it sounds like he’s at least got a crush on

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you,” she continued anyway, and Blake let out a

long-suffering sigh. He hadn’t wanted to hear it. All it did

was add to the confusion he was feeling.

“Mom! I said I didn’t want to hear it,” he said with

another sigh.

“Baby, I know, but I think it’s true and I think you need to

be aware of it, especially if he’s distant and upset after all

that,” she said, another kind of sympathetic tone to her

voice.

“I know. I mean, I knew that to begin with, but I didn’t

want to admit it,” Blake said, scratching at the base of his

skull in confusion. He’d wondered for a while what it’d be

like to be more than friends with Ethan, but he’d never had

the courage to admit it, let alone make the first move.

“You’re probably gonna need to talk to him about it, B,”

she told him, and he rolled his eyes.

“I know, Mom. Trust me, I know,” he told her. “Look, I’m

gonna go. I have a lot of reading to do for Personality Psych

and I should get it done before the weekend.”

“O-okay, baby. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” She sounded