Perv (Filth #1) (17 page)

The car rolls up after a short forever.

Her steps are hard, stuttering as she drags what's left of her to the car. There's not a hint of a strut or hip sway in her walk. She's a straight stiff line.

I gave her that walk.

“
Will you hire me if I go to Harvard?”

Duke just stares at me for a long moment. It's 6 a.m. He looks like shit and isn't dressed for work yet. He's standing in his doorway in a white tank top, boxers, and striped socks.

I know my question is coming from an insane place, but you try to put together cogent plans when you sleep two to four hours a day. For—I count the time in my head—close to three weeks. I'll be in a coma caused by sleep-deprivation soon, and my friends will get some goddamn peace from me.

“
No, Nate. Even if you went to Harvard you can't make copies for me. Or serve people POSs. Stop fucking asking. And if you wake me up again at six in the morning with your shit, I'm putting my foot in your ass.” Duke huffs and opens his door wider. “Come in.”

I drag myself into his house and fall face first into his leather couch. I'm a mess. For the first time since I lost my virginity, and not including my deployment, I haven't had a taste of a woman in weeks. I haven't even masturbated in two days. I'm not sure if my cock is just on strike or if it has yet to forgive me for fucking up things with Robyn. I can't come. I'm comeless.

The important thing is I haven't hunted Robyn down. I've finally let her be. Three minutes go by before she's in my thoughts again and I'm worrying about her, which is fucking stupid. She's fine without me, better than fine.

“
This is what I'm going to do for everyone's mental health.” Duke is about to offer a reprieve and the constant tightness in my chest loosens.

“
No,” I force myself to say. “Leave her alone.”

“
If you'd stop crawling up my ass trying to work for me, in some vain hope to forget Robyn, I wouldn't even think about her again. I told you she was off. But no. Nate had to go ahead and be stupid as shit.”

I roll over and put my shoes on his couch. He's going to kill me at some point, but likely not today. And he kind of deserves it for being a bachelor with a white couch. “Tarek refuses to talk to me.”

“
I thought you were working at the gym? Doing an intro strip class for men?”

Did I mention I'm trying to fill up my every waking moment with activities? “I am. Five in the class. I don't expect more. Too many men aren't into gyrating the air in a room with other men, but these guy's wives ain't giving it up anymore. They're desperate. Tarek threatened to fire me if I gave them pussy eating tips.”

“
You can always make a YouTube vid. How many do you have now?”

I want him to shut up and stop laying out how depressing my life is. I know. I'm living it. After my power naps—can't call it sleep—I get up and hope today is the day I stop feeling sick to the pit of my stomach. When that doesn't happen, I scan through every moment with Robyn and hope this time, I'll find a real one that isn't marred by the truth.

The only one that can stand testing is when it was just me and her and no ghost as we kissed in the club. Her fingers were brushing along my cheek, and she looked soft and happy and flushed.

Because I'm sick and I can't let go, I play that moment like a loop in my mind.

I sit up only to put my face in my hands. “Just tell me if she's okay.”

“
She wasn't okay when she met you. Why do you think that'll change?”

Because she isn't hurting herself with me anymore. “Fuck if I know. I'm tired.”

“
You look like shit ran over twice. Go to sleep. I'll wake you up before I go so you can hit the gym.”

I fall back on the couch, my feet back on the white leather. I know that pisses him off, but he doesn't say anything. I am lower than low. When it comes to his own personal space, Duke is like an anal retentive blowhard who had a baby with someone who has an OCD.

“
Nate?”

“
Yeah?”

“
She's okay. I guess. Back to normal.”

Normal. That stings, but she's okay. I don't say anything, but finally I get some sleep.

When I wake up it's well into the evening. Duke has kindly put a Post-It on my forehead.

Texted Tarek since you refused to wake up. You should call him before he puts a hit out on you. He will have to run your class if you don't wake up in time. I will buy you a beer for that.

I can't even find the humor in my friend trying to teach a group of men an erotic hip roll. I crumble the Post-It and toss it to the floor. Duke will twitch and that'll make me happy later. I check the time on my phone, ignoring the missed notifications. Tarek will be getting ready to get off work. If I leave now I can catch him before he's home. I heave myself up from the white couch and go to the gym.

I find my friend in the back room where they store everything that needs to be wiped down. He doesn't have to say a word. The way he's scrubbing mats like he can punch a hole through them tells me his mood.

“
I'm sorry,” I say, not bothering with half-assed excuses.

“
I expect Duke to flake out on me. He's barely aware other people exist outside of his needs. But you, Mr. Morals I Stand By...Yeah, you only really have three, but you've never wavered from them. You give your word and you keep it. You don't fuck women with a low self-esteem or serious issues. You—”

“
Try not to kill my friends when they rant,” I add that new rule because my temper is making my ears hot.

“
Your former lover died. That sucks. I get it. And you couldn't even remember her name. Guilt Trip City has your name written all over it. You've got a charter tour named after you.”

I do my best to keep the anger out of my tone. “Your point?”

“
You fucked up, but that doesn't mean you stop everything else. You're not a total waste of space. I wouldn't be your friend if you were. Help me with these mats since I had to hip thrust for an hour. And if you promise to buy me a shitload of beer, I'll help you with Robyn. I liked her. She deserves better than you, but I think you're the one for her.”

“
What?” Yeah. I'm back in Disneyland with my heart fluttering and there's fucking butterflies living in my damn chest.

“
You didn't know anything. She knew everything and still slept with you. You're...I don't know. She wants you despite common sense.”

“
I'm warm all over at your compliments.” And, yeah. A part of me is. Duke adjusts to any situation. Good or bad. Mostly morally questionable. Tarek manages to avoid questionable situations altogether.

“
Look me in the eye,” he says. “Tell me you didn't know how Loraine felt about you. Tell me you didn't suspect Robyn's story wasn't against your precious morals.”

I snatch up a mat, a cleaning cloth and a bottle of solution. I do that instead of answering. There are at least two hundred mats to go through. The wipe-down has to be thorough to avoid things like ringworm or a staph infection.

But the questions have been asked and I can't help but roll them over in my mind.

Loraine stood out, and that's why she caught my eye. Now I know it's because she faced death and survived. How could that not put a cocky tilt to your smile?

Much like it was with Robyn, Loraine's draw had nothing to do with my ego or my need to fix. I simply wanted to enjoy the woman as she was. At twenty-five, she was a virgin. The more I learned the more intrigued I became.

In hindsight, was I more giving? Did I act like I loved her or could? Was I unclear about the kind of relationship Loraine and I would have? Everything in me wants to say yes. I wish I can list out all the ways I acted differently with Loraine. Of course she'd fall for me. I fell for her a little. I can swim in guilt, and maybe even self-loathing at how I strung her along. There'd be a nice neat bow to wrap on what we were. She'd died, and her last words were all about me. Damning me.

There's...nothing and that makes it worse. We had better than average sex. We had maybe average conversations. Fuck, she never once told me she had cancer—an intimate secret she felt she couldn't share. That was our relationship.

And now I can never ask her what she saw in me that felt above average. Why she decided to give me her virginity. I could have gone six months being placated with the scent of her pussy before my attention wandered. Had she known that? Yes. I don't beat around the bush. There's no reason to.

The truth is, I've never ached
until my jaw clenched before
Robyn. I've never wanted a woman in my bed so I could hold her down just to talk.

With hindsight, do I wish I could have given Loraine more? Fuck, yeah. Her life had been cut short. She'd been served more bitter than sweet. I would have rather been a memory that made her smile than snarl. She deserved that, and I'll carry that knowledge for the rest of my life.

“
The expression on your face means I'm right.” Tarek smiles. “As usual.”

Smug bastard. “You get into relationships, you love them, and then you sabotage the shit of it. Now, I may be a bastard, but I don't do that. I'm upfront about the kind of asshole I am.”

After that, to my satisfaction, we work quietly. My hands smell like diluted bleach and Windex once we are done.

“
Drinks?” I offer.

“
Need to clear your head?”

I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I'll break and go to Robyn. No matter how much regret and guilt I feel in the part I played, Loraine had been Robyn's friend. How many times did I say, in so many ways, her friend was forgotten already, nameless? Not by some random one-night stand, but her first. That also plays in a loop in my mind.

Clear my head? I wish. “Yeah,” I lie anyway.

Four weeks and one day since I've last seen Robyn, and Duke finally breaks—either from abject pity or boredom. He drags me to a mixer where the smartest and brightest legal minds of the state can rub elbows and brag about their cases. The booze might also be the reason, and it's flowing.

I'm on my third scotch. If not for the lavish meal, I'd start to feel like someone should prop me in a corner to nap. I smile at yet another attorney who has come to give Duke a verbal blow job.

“
The Huntington case,” the man says with reverence.

Duke sprawls back in his chair and spreads his hands. It's both an
aw shucks
gesture and completely cocky. “I had a solid case. The evidence was circumstantial at best.”

“
The way you cross-examined the witness, man, I wanted to fuck you.”

That's been my night. Grown men with boy crushes on my friend. This is why I'm on drink three. And this is why Duke dragged me along. He wanted me to get front row seats to the epic douchery behind the scenes. Maybe I'll stop looking up application tips for Harvard.

I scan the room, my shoulders up and taut. I might have agreed to go in hopes that smartest and brightest included Robyn. Duke didn't take any of his paralegals, but hope is a merciless bitch.

I drain my glass and loosen my tie to drop it on the table. I elbow Duke. “I'm getting another. You?”

Absently, he shakes his head as the balding attorney starts up a story about how he lost his last case. They've already cleaned up all the utensils so I'm safe from gouging out my eyes before I rise.

The makeshift bar is stacked with attorneys. Takes three minutes before I shuffle to the front. I make eye contact with the female bartender and smile. She gravitates toward me, returning the smile. There's not a single stirring of interest. I just want a drink.

The hairs on my neck prickle. A familiar—no, a missed sensation. Instinctively, I inhale to get my fill. I swing my gaze to the left, because I know that scent.

“
Can I have a martini? Two olives.”

“
Robyn.” Her name leaves my mouth before I can stop it. Maybe she hasn't seen me. There are about twenty people along the bar, elbowing each other for space. I haven't cut my hair, and I'm wearing a tux for the event. I look like a decent human being.

“
Nate,” she murmurs but keeps her gaze on the bartender. “Where's Duke? I can only assume he's the culprit. That man is a goddamn shark.”

The bite of anger in her voice is understandable, but what does Duke have to do with it? “What do you mean?”

She faces me and her jaw is jutting out. “He called my boss. Gave him a personal invite to this event. Said he wanted to meet.” She jerks her finger toward Duke's table. The bald guy is still there making Duke's ears bleed. “My boss. This is my day off, but I had to come for business.”

Shit. My friend hadn't listened. More proof he's an evil bastard who plans ahead, and now he's put Robyn in the middle of it.

“
I'm sorry. I didn't know he'd do this. I told him to leave you alone no matter how...” I can't finish that sentence. It's not her problem I'm unraveling without her. Still, I reach up to touch her and ball my hand at the last second. “I'm sorry about everything, Robyn.”

She huffs and faces the bartender again. The woman drops her drink on the hardwood. “A scotch on the rocks, please.”

I pay for both drinks.

“
You look like shit,” she says.

She's decked out in a black strapless dress. Silk. The single strand of diamonds along her neck is a nice touch. Her hair is a waterfall of curls. “You're beautiful.”