Perfectly Toxic (The Sterling Shore Series Book 9) (28 page)

“Okay… Does she have a favorite food you could cook?”

“I don’t want to poison her with my cooking skills. I’m trying to keep her around.”

He snorts out a laugh, but continues. “Chocolate?”

“Falls under the gifts category.”

“Massages?”

“Yes, but I’d have to get close enough to be allowed to do that.”

“Right. So you’re deep into the doghouse. Um… What’d you do?”

“Fucked up. That’s all I’m telling you,” I answer, considering I’m not even sure how I did anything this wrong.

“Alright then. Get a notebook. I’ll give you all my best tips.”

Chapter 55

BELLA

Eight more tests stare at me, and I stare back in disbelief. Awareness slowly sinks into my bones, and nausea hits me like a wall.

My head is over the toilet, and I’m expelling whatever is left in my stomach in under a second.

“Bella?” Allie’s voice trails through the house, but I’m too busy throwing up my future to answer. “Bella, I got his car back over there, and he didn’t see me.”

I wish I could answer, but I’m still preoccupied.

“Oh shit, Bella,” she says, suddenly right beside me. I hear water running, and then a cool, damp cloth is pressed against the back of my neck.

Warm tears spread across my cheeks, and I try to think of a time in my life when I messed up so badly.

“I can’t remember the last time I got my shot,” I manage to whisper, though it’s hoarse and full of disbelief.

My best friend found herself pregnant at eighteen because of a broken condom. One night was all it took to change her life forever, and I swore to always be Miss Protection after that. No risks. No chances. One thousand percent covered.

No unplanned pregnancy.

I’m a nurse. I’m a responsible freaking human being. All my bills are paid on time. My car always gets serviced. I always check the expiration dates when I grocery shop. I even remember to get my legs and various other body parts waxed on a regular basis. But I can’t remember my damn birth control shot when I’m having reckless, unprotected sex?

Stupid fucking Jacob’s ladder. It’s because of those damn piercings that I refused to force him into a condom. Pleasure overrode sanity and responsibility.

My mother was right, and I’m such an idiot.

A reckless,
pregnant
idiot.

That word hits me like a fist to the stomach, and more tears assault me as I hurl a little more denial about my current situation into the toilet. Allie hisses out a breath and grabs my hair, pulling it back as my life comes crashing down around me.

Standing slowly, I wipe my mouth on the back of my hand, and I stagger toward my bedroom. Allie follows me, and I drop to my bed, sobbing into my pillow. Rye loves Brin in a way I’ve only ever dreamed of being loved, and tonight, he totally freaked out when he thought she was pregnant.

Ethan freaked out when he dropped the L-word in a casual joke he didn’t mean. I can only imagine how a pregnancy would hit him. Personally, I’m too busy handling my breakdown to handle his too.

I doubt very seriously he’ll take me in his arms and promise we’ll be a happy family. There’s no doubt in my mind that he wouldn’t be here for his child, but as for the happily ever after? It’s just too soon.

The bed dips as Allie sits down beside me, and she starts running her fingers through my hair, trying her best to soothe me. The roles have reversed. I remember being her so many years ago, consoling my best friend when she found out her life had changed forever.

She was a scared eighteen-year-old who was fresh out of high school and had nowhere to go. I’m a full grown woman with a steady job and a home. I shouldn’t be such a wreck, when she was once so strong.

“While you figure out how to tell your boyfriend you are pregnant, I have to figure out a way to tell my overly enthused fiancé that I’m not pregnant,” she says, trying to lighten the intensity of my despair.

It doesn’t work.

She sighs harshly when I only cry harder.

“Bella, I know it seems hard to believe, but it really is all going to be okay. And while Ethan doesn’t seem like the fatherly type, people change. Look at Wren. He’s turned out to be the best father I ever dreamt of. Hell, look at Tag. He was a huge playboy, and now he’s juggling two kids with pride, and he’s loyal to Ash without any temptation to be otherwise.”

I turn toward her as fresh tears spill over the edges of my eyelids, and I suck in a shaky breath.

“Ethan would freak out.”

“I know, but he has to man up, Bella. He’s half to blame in this.”

“I wasn’t finished. He’d freak out, but he would man up almost immediately,” I whisper, crying harder as my words start to slur. “No one sees what I see. The tattoos and attitude make most people dismiss the notion of him being a truly honorable guy, but he is. At the end of the day, he’d do the right thing and sacrifice whatever necessary to be a part of his child’s life.”

She looks confused. “And that’s a bad thing?”

“He spent ten years in a job he loathed, doing everything he could to make his father’s dream live on. He finally gets to live
his own
life, Allie. How can I look him in the eye and tell him I’m stealing it all away?
I
told him I was on birth control. I thought I was, but I seriously can’t remember my last shot.”

She stares at me, but my sobs increase, and I can’t speak anymore. He might have had sex with me without wearing a condom, but he trusted me to be responsible. How could I do something so stupid?

Allie soothes me and promises everything will be okay, over and over and over again. But when I finally fall into a tear-induced sleep, all I can think about is the haunting dark eyes that will be devastated to once again find out his future is planned out for him without any regard for what
he
wants.

Chapter 56

BELLA

“This is yours,” I say, thrusting the cat at Maverick as soon as he opens the door.

The cat makes some battle cry, and leaps over his shoulder, racing through the monstrosity he calls a house.

“What the hell?” he asks, shocked.

“I can’t keep her anymore,” I explain, handing him bags full of all her things. “Health reasons.”

His look immediately changes to one of concern. “What the fuck? What’s wrong?”

Sometimes, since he’s such a clown, it’s easy to forget Maverick cares.

Sighing, I run a hand through my hair. “It’s nothing life-threatening, so don’t worry. I’ll explain later, but Bananas is now your pet. Have fun. She’s fucking evil.”

His mouth opens like he’s about to say something else, but I shut the door and walk away. I’m in my car and heading toward the hospital when he races out in his boxers to try and ask more questions.

I’ve been in a daze for the past day and a half, trying my damnedest to wrap my head around everything. My phone buzzes in my hand, and I close my eyes, exhaling slowly, trying to stave off the onslaught of tears that are beating against the backs of my eyelids.

As I walk into the hospital, the phone buzzes again. I can’t… I just can’t.

My cheeks are raw from the scalding tears I’ve already shed, and Ethan won’t stop calling. This time, he sends a text when I don’t answer, and my heart hurts when I see his name instead of “Asshole.”

ETHAN: Hey, I realize you’re pissed. I keep fucking up, but I’m sorry for whatever I did. Come over so I can grovel properly. I have a list of things I can do to get back on your good side. ;)

Guilt blankets me, and it gets difficult to swallow. He has no idea why I’m avoiding him, and how can I tell him? I know I have to. It’d be wrong not to. But I’m a coward, and I plan to put it off for as long as my conscience allows.

“Berta,” I say as she passes me.

“Yeah?” she says, sounding rushed and annoyed, until she sees my face and her look softens.

“Good lord, child, you look like you’ve been crying all night. What’s wrong?”

Berta is among the few in this hospital I trust to keep a secret. Plus, she used to work in an obstetrician’s office for over ten years before coming here three years ago.

“Um… I need a favor.” Already losing some pride, considering I never ask for favors.

“Of course. Name it.”

***

Allie walks in just as Berta sets up the machine, and she comes to sit down beside me. I shouldn’t have called her, but I couldn’t do this alone.

Berta secured us the room and the machine, and she didn’t seem to mind doing it. I think she’s more concerned about the fact I’m back to bawling than anything.

“Alright, Bella, you gotta relax for me, because this is the one that goes up your vagina. If you’re skinny and your pussy is too tight for this, I might just slap you for being too perfect,” Berta says, trying her damnedest to make me smile. I force one just for her sake.

Allie squeezes my hand as I feel the pressure down there, and then I close my eyes as she inserts it all the way. Something loud and suspiciously similar to a very fast heartbeat finds my ears, and my eyes fly open as I stare at the screen.

New tears find my eyes, but this time, for an entirely different reason.

“Is that—”

“Yes,” Berta says, but I’m still staring with wide-eyed fascination at the screen. “That’s your baby’s heartbeat, and that tiny little peanut is your baby. Sweet girl, it’s been a while since I did this, but I’d say you’re between six and eight weeks along. You sure you don’t remember your last period or shot?”

I nod absently, unable to tear my eyes away from my baby.
My
baby.

The surrealism crashes into reality, and every bit of despair is pushed away as an extreme sense of protectiveness swells in my chest. My hands instinctively move to my stomach, and I stare in awe as the heartbeat continues very fast, but that’s normal for a baby.

A baby.
My
baby. Mine and Ethan’s baby.

My tears morph, but I have no idea why I’m crying anymore. My emotions are crazy and going haywire.

The denial I felt about the baby truly existing is replaced with love for the peanut inside me. All the denial I had about my feelings for Ethan are exposed in the light, and the fact that I’m in love with him physically hurts now. Because there’s no denying he’s going to forever resent me for this. For taking away the freedom he’s been chasing for over a decade.

“Thanks, Berta,” Allie says when I can’t force myself to speak. “I’ll take it from here.”

Berta pats my leg before putting everything away. I never even felt her withdraw that damn thing from me. My focus is entirely on the fact I have a child growing inside me, and all I want to do is shield he or she from anything and everything that could ever hurt them.

“She’ll need to see a doctor soon. She needs to be taking care of herself. And get rid of that cat. She can’t have an indoor cat when she’s pregnant. The litter is bad for the baby.”

“The cat is gone,” I assure her, already on the right path to caring for my child better than I cared for myself.

I’ll never be irresponsible again, because now a new life depends on it.

But how do I tell Ethan Noles, the guy who is sick of responsibility, that he’s about to be a father?

Chapter 57

ETHAN

Bella has avoided me for a solid week. Seven, long, miserable days.

I still don’t even really know what I did. At least in the past when I screwed up, I was one-hundred percent positive where I went wrong. This time… Not a fucking clue.

She harped on communication being the key to a healthy relationship, but she’s ignored the fuck out of me for a week. Unbelievable. She’s nothing but a hypocrite, and I’m tired of jumping through hoops for no damn reason.

Part of her allure was the fact I had to chase her. Now, it’s grating on my nerves, because the chase is getting old. I wanted to finally catch her, but despite the fact she claimed she was looking for something real, she ran away the second things finally got real.

Apparently I’m cursed or something. The two girls I’ve foreseen a real future with are the two girls who don’t give a flying fuck about me. I really thought Bella was different, but now I’m not so sure.

People are all over the place in my house, but I feel as if I’m an island and no one can touch me. I’m also in one hell of a pissed off mood. Games. Fucking games. It’s my fault there were ever any games involved, because I wanted to play with Bella.

Right now, the last thing I want is a houseful of strangers, but if Bella is so determined to ignore me, then I need to prove to her she’s one of a thousand women. My mistake was telling her what she meant to me. My mistake was playing house with her. My mistake was opening the door for her to walk right in and rip everything out when she gets a bug up her ass.

Another strong sip of whiskey doesn’t really dull the ache in my chest, but it helps me chase the numbness. While physically I can still feel everything, I don’t want to feel anything inside. Alcohol works brilliantly for that.

Star Morgan is back in my house, and she’s walking toward me with wary eyes. I’m not sure why she won’t just stay the fuck away from me. She keeps coming around, never really speaking, but makes sure I see her.

“Hey,” she says, surprising me with the fact she finally has the balls to say something.

“Why the hell are you here?” I ask her, since the question has been burning in me since she first showed up.

Even though I’m too drunk to walk without staggering, I’ll never be drunk enough to touch her again. Besides, since Bella showed up, I haven’t wanted to touch anyone else. Which pisses me off all the more, since she apparently never got as close as I have.

Trying not to crush the glass of whiskey in my hand, I focus my attention on glaring at Star, waiting on her to open her mouth and answer the damn question. Girls want to talk all the fucking time until you ask them a question. Then they want to shut the hell up and pretend you don’t exist.

Okay, so maybe I’m projecting. A little.

“I thought…” She pauses and blows out a reluctant breath. “Anyway, are you still seeing that girl?”

That girl
… She says it like Bella is no one special, as though she thinks she’s the only one who ever meant anything at all.

“Honestly, I don’t think so, but don’t get any ideas. I’ll never fucking touch you again.”

She winces like I’ve struck her, and I stand, leaning against the wall for balance. When I start to stumble, Star grabs my side and pulls my arm across her shoulders.

“Don’t,” I growl.

“I’m just helping you walk before you fall and break your face. It’s a nice face, and I don’t want to see it smashed.”

I roll my eyes, but relent, leaning on her a little as she helps me toward my bedroom. My legs get sturdier with each step, and just as I’m about to take my arm off her, a familiar face is suddenly in front of me with hurt screaming at me from her eyes.

I guess Bella has finally decided to stop ignoring me. Everything seems to revolve around her timetable. Fuck that.

I could easily push Star away, drop to floor on my knees, and beg Bella not to think anything is going on. But why bother? Even when I don’t fuck things up, she can still goes days without speaking to me. Doesn’t matter that I hate going a day at all without speaking to her. Doesn’t matter that I’ve felt like a pussy-ass bitch for pining for her, because she’s been too busy avoiding me.

Now she shows up and has the audacity to look hurt?

She stands there like she’s waiting for an explanation as to why my arm is around Star’s shoulders. Or why we’re heading in the direction of the bedroom.

I’ll probably regret it later, but I’m too drunk and pissed off to care right now.

Instead of explaining, I reach down and pull Star closer, squeezing her ass for good measure. Hurt and anger flashes in Bella’s eyes as I wink at her.

“What? Did you forget you’re not the only one I ever felt?” I ask. “Oh, that’s right. You thought you were special.”

But I really do fucking regret that the second I say it, despite the cloud of alcohol numbing me. Because for the first time since I’ve known her, Bella’s eyes water, and two tears spring out before she can wipe them away.

Guilt and anger hit me at once, but this time, I’m angry at myself instead of her.

Star leans into me as Bella darts away, and I shove Star off me, not giving a damn if she gets hurt or not as I drunkenly stagger my way toward the door, once again chasing the girl who loves to run from me. When I reach the outside, I’m just in time to see her red Acura driving away, and I curse, stumbling my way down the sidewalk on my way to her house.

A heaviness settles on my chest as the consequences of my actions take root and resonate. I’ve always been the guy to push people one step too far, but this time, I took it about thirty steps too far.

I collapse about five yards from her house when I don’t see her car, and I drop to my back, too fucking drunk to stand back up. I have to find her before she does something just to get me back, because Bella is my equal, and I’ve just triggered a time bomb.

I’d kill any guy who touched her, but she doesn’t know that. No, I stupidly thought of this awesome idea to piss her off so much that she’s bound to do something just as stupid. Just like the night she squeezed herself between two assholes that I wanted to punch on the dance floor.

But that was then. That was before I fully fell for her. That was before I decided I’d never be done with Bella no matter how much of her I got.

“What’s up?” Wren answers, and I dumbly remember I’ve dialed him.

“I need a lift. And Bella,” I say, at least I think that’s what I say.

“What? What’s a sifting hella?”

Apparently that’s not what I said after all.

“A lift. And Bella,” I state more plainly, trying to annunciate. I wish Bella hadn’t been able to understand me, but the alcohol is seriously kicking my ass after that short walk.

“Where are you?” he asks as a car door dings. “And how fucking drunk are you?”

“Not far from Bella’s, and really fucking drunk. Bring backup,” I tell him as my eyes shut and I fall back. Where’d my whiskey glass go? I had it in my hand earlier…

Darkness takes over my vision, and despite my protests, my fight to stay awake ends in vain.