Perfectly Shattered (18 page)

He headed toward the bay, instinctively needing space. Bradan couldn’t breathe properly, and his chest felt like it was caving in. The fist around his heart was like a vise. He vaguely sensed Amber walking along beside him, not saying a word.

At the waterfront, he glanced at Puget Sound, seeing the Olympic Mountains rising high in the distance but getting no pleasure from the view. They walked along the water, wrapping their coats tighter against the chill.

They strolled silently along the pier, the boats rocking softly. As if waking from a dream, Bradan became acutely aware of Amber beside him. His frozen heart began to thaw. She was special to him, and no matter that he had hardened his heart, that hadn’t changed.

There was a row of metal picnic tables and Bradan stopped next to one. “Let’s sit for a bit.”

A wall next to them blocked the wind, and though it was cold out, it was tolerable. Bradan didn’t want to be inside. Didn’t want to be alone with Amber. It was a bad idea to take her to the penthouse.

He had to figure out what to do. “I know I was pissed off. I understand it was hard for you to contact me, to see me.”

Bradan looked into her soft brown eyes, and wished for an earlier time when he had held her close. It was a time when he’d been able to put his arm around her whenever he had wanted to. And she’d encouraged him, letting him know how much she had cared too.

Had they ever said
love
? Right then, he didn’t recall. Everything was all mixed up. All that he had thought he wanted was right in front of him. Bradan knew if he took Amber to his place that she would go without resistance.

She had claimed that she wanted to see him to make things right. But being male, he could feel the attraction. Amber wanted him. There was no doubt in his mind that she did. Had it been last year, or even six months before, he might have jumped at the chance.

Maybe. Looking at her now, Bradan reached for the emotion that used to be there. He’d wanted her to be part of his life. Amber had been important—vital, in fact. So much so that when she had turned away from him, Bradan had been crushed.

He reached out and took her hand. Amber squeezed his. She looked into his eyes, wondering if he felt the same. He knew her too well, even after all this time, not to know what she was thinking.

“Bradan, have you missed me too?”

She looked lovely there in the cold on the pier, with her long hair softly blowing around her face. But it wasn’t how it used to be. In a blinding flash, Bradan knew how he felt. He had to tell her.

“I did miss you, Amber. I missed you so much I thought my heart would rip apart.” He hesitated. He had to be honest. “For so long, all I wanted was to have you back. But I was mad. I wasn’t about to beg you. When you chose Robert, there was nothing for me to do.”

Tears welled in Amber’s eyes. “I’m so sorry. Just so sorry.”

Bradan shook his head. “Don’t be sorry, Amber. It happens. You were right. We were so young. Hell, we’re still young. I don’t claim to have it all figured out. I know I don’t have much of anything figured out. But I want you to know something.”

Amber’s eyes widened.

“You will always have a special place in my heart. We grew up together. We shared…a lot. And all this time, I thought it was
love
.”

“I do love you, Bradan.”

He shook his head. “Not like that, though. We were smitten. You were beautiful and desirable.” He paused. “You still are. But
love
…is more. Do you know what I mean?”

She hesitated as though trying to understand. “I think so.”

“I’m not mad at you, Amber. I was mad at myself. I took you for granted, didn’t pay attention to you when I should have. Then it was too late. I hold nothing against you. And I only wish the best for you. You were brave to come here. But…I’m not in love with you. That’s not going to happen. We have to move on with our lives.” He brushed away a tear that fell onto her cheek. “Can you do that, Amber?”

She nodded but was too choked up to speak.

Bradan looked into her eyes. “That’s good to hear. Because I think I finally can.”

Chapter 20

The pills might help, but not enough. Alcohol was a temptation, but Brittany had heard the pharmacist say it was off limits. As a result, she had walked Cami home and checked the place for wine.

“I gave it all to Jeremy. You know that.”

Brittany continued her search. “Just being sure. I don’t trust you. Needing those pills is a bad sign. I’m not taking any chances.”

Cami couldn’t argue; she didn’t have the strength. Feeling like a rag doll, she collapsed onto the sofa and hugged one of the back pillows.

“I don’t know if I should leave you alone.” Brittany stared at her.

Letting out a sigh, Cami shrugged. “I’ll live.”

“I’m supposed to meet Jeremy soon. If you need anything, promise to text.” She waited. “Promise?”

Cami nodded.

Once her friend was gone, Cami went up to the rooftop. It was cold. She didn’t want to think, and hoped it would help numb her. It didn’t. The ache wouldn’t go away. No pill could mute it, and no weather change could blunt it.

The alcohol restriction was a tough one, because Cami’s inclination was to drink herself into a stupor. Passing out might be the only way she’d sleep. Thinking back about what had happened with Bradan, she felt as though she should have seen it coming. If not Amber, it would have been another woman.

The fact that it was Amber, his first love, was torture. Having him ripped away by someone he cared deeply about was different than catching him in a kiss with a random woman. It was so final. Not something she could fight against.

There was no way to compete with a gorgeous woman who already had the advantage. Cami was heartbroken, but she wasn’t an idiot and knew Amber held the power. She’d had some good times with Bradan. It was over. She was going to have to adjust.

If only it were that easy. She should have worn a T-shirt with
Fragile Heart
printed on the front. In all fairness, Bradan hadn’t had any way of knowing what he was getting into. He’d asked a few times, but Cami hadn’t been able to get the words out.

It wouldn’t have mattered. She was a mess. Bradan had claimed his heart had been broken. Well, he didn’t know what having your heart ripped out of your chest was all about. Cami did. Good thing she hadn’t shared that part. It would have made it harder to move on.

What Cami hadn’t seen happening was that she’d become friends with Bradan. It wasn’t what she had planned. The guy was hot. Sex was the only thing on her mind, or so she’d thought. But he was comfortable to be with. They laughed together and enjoyed things together.

Like friends. They had done what she hadn’t thought possible and developed a friendship. And that made it so much worse. She wasn’t losing a sex partner, Cami was losing a friend. And Bradan meant a lot to her.

She felt lost and empty. And afraid. Depression weighed on her, pulling her to give up. It seemed stronger than she was. Words she’d once overheard the doctor say to her mother came back vividly: “
It’s important to respond to warning signs in a serious manner. They don’t always mean suicide will be attempted. But it’s a chance you can’t take
.”

That was why Cami couldn’t call her mother, despite the fact that she really wanted to talk to her. It would alarm her if she knew what her daughter was going through. On top of everything else, Cami didn’t want her mother to get worked up about it all.

There was a period in the past when suicide had been a consideration. When the grief had been overpowering, and the future so hopeless, it had almost seemed natural. Cami wasn’t sure how she’d held on, but somehow she had.

Now the dark memories loomed, and the present offered its own oppression. Cami looked up at the endless sky, wishing to be far away. Somewhere else. Anywhere else. Except that no matter where she went, she’d carry the pain with her. It would always be with her.

*****

The next few days went by in a blur. Brittany decided it was bad for Cami to be alone. It was likely that seeing her friend’s red swollen eyes spurred her to action. She came by and ordered Cami to get dressed.

“You can’t stay in here and cry all day. Malena doesn’t have any work for us today, so you are going out with Jeremy and me.”

Cami looked up, desperately needing the support but not wanting to intrude on Brittany’s life.

“And don’t look at me that way. Jeremy’s your friend too. He wants you to come with us. It was his idea.” She pointed toward the bathroom. “Go. You don’t have much time.”

If left alone, Cami would have vegged on the couch for an undetermined amount of time. But as soon as she was dressed, Brittany shoved a steaming cup of espresso in front of her and said, “Drink.”

Jeremy arrived to pick them up, and Cami learned the day’s itinerary, included biking the Alki Beach Trail. They rented cruiser bikes and followed the trail along the shoreline of Elliott Bay. It wasn’t the best weather for the activity, considering the wind-chill factor. But the biting cold actually felt good.

It made Cami feel alive, at least a little bit. The windy day had attracted many sailboats to the harbor, and rays of sun intermittently broke through the thick bank of clouds overhead. They managed the three-and-a-half-mile cruise, and on the way back detoured to the Alki Point Lighthouse.

The century-old landmark was easily accessible by bike, though it was too early in the year for tours. They parked their bikes and walked past the lighthouse, out to the rocky shoreline. The water was choppy, and the wind was stronger out on the point, but the scene was postcard worthy.

“I wish I had my camera,” Cami said.

Brittany stared at the view. “Next time.”

“I’m glad you came with us,” Jeremy said. “A day like this, you want to share.”

There was an example of how nice he was. But Cami hadn’t heard any complaint about that from Brittany. Recently, her friend had seemed more than content to avoid the rock stars and see quite a bit of Jeremy. That made Cami feel good.

“Yeah, well, even if you guys wanted to be alone, you’d have invited me. Because you are worried about me,” Cami said.

Jeremy put his arm around her. “Shouldn’t we be?”

Tears threatened, and Cami looked out at the bay. In the distance, she spotted the Space Needle, which reminded her of Bradan. The sharp edge of heartache cut into her. “Yeah. You should be. I trusted him, and I just didn’t think he’d pick up where he left off with his ex-girlfriend.”

“And”—Brittany looked right at Jeremy—“he takes Amber to the
same restaurant
where he’d just taken Cami. That’s just so much worse.”

As if anything could make it worse. But just because she was in a sour mood didn’t mean she wanted to ruin her friends’ day too. “I just didn’t see it coming. But it’s done. Being outdoors is great. It helps give me perspective.” It didn’t really, but it sounded good.

They spent the day together, and after returning the bikes, they grabbed some food at a local café. They ordered white mochas and then decided to be brave and try the Vietnamese pork baguettes, which turned out to be delicious.

Before boredom set in, they decided to see a Harry Potter movie. It had been easy to pick what to see after Cami said, “No romance, no aliens, no blood or psychological thrillers, and nothing depressing.”

“Okay. I got it. That leaves Harry Potter,” Jeremy said.

Cami raised her hands. “It’s good. You’ve seen it before, right?”

Jeremy laughed. “Yep, seen it before. It’s good.”

“I like it,” Brittany chimed in. “I’ve seen all those movies. And read the books.”

The film was the ideal antidote for a bad mood. Even Cami was carried away to another, more fanciful world, and in the dark recess of the theater, she forgot about her own problems. If only for a while, the pain abated, and she could breathe.

But back in the light of day, Cami thought of Bradan. She wished he’d been there with her to share the utter frivolity of watching the movie for the fourth time. She hadn’t told Jeremy she’d seen it three times before.

That was the thing. Bradan had worked his way into her life, and she sorely missed him. Cami remembered how he had laughed, how his voice had sounded when he teased her, and how good it had felt to have his arm around her. The loss, and the realization that he was really gone, was more than she could handle.

*****

Bradan had wanted so badly to mend his heart. Hearing from Amber had sparked hope. But it had been a dead end. Seeing her wasn’t how he’d imagined it would be. Instead, everything he had thought had been challenged.

Though he hadn’t admitted it, deep inside, having Amber back was what he had been convinced he wanted. What he needed. But it didn’t turn out that way. Bradan had changed. He had felt differently than he’d expected to.

It was over with Amber, finally. And his life was a disaster. There was no way to go back to sleeping around. Bradan didn’t want to. Because he was beginning to understand love, if that was truly what he was feeling.

Now he’d lost Cami. He had realized his error too late. So long ago, he’d taken Amber for granted. In his arrogant, self-assured way, Bradan had been so certain of everything. Certain that Amber was his, and certain she wouldn’t choose any other man over him.

And he’d been wrong. Now, unwittingly, he’d done the same with Cami.
Just friends
.
No commitment
. How much could he expect her to take? He could have sex with her whenever he liked, but give nothing more. That’s what he had done.

Bradan had taken her for granted, just like he had with Amber. He wanted to change his ways, but it wouldn’t be so easy. Trying to explain to Cami what he’d been through may not be well received. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d fought about him hanging out with other women.

And this time was worse. Cami seeing him with Amber, the woman he’d professed he had loved, would make it difficult. Would Cami listen? Would she care? Bradan wasn’t sure, and knew he needed the right approach. If he didn’t get a grip, he was going to lose Cami forever. And if he did, it would be his own fault.