Perfectly Broken (24 page)

"Hello?"

"Sydney. It's Lili. I need a huge favor."

"You'll have to wait here. Someone needs to check on you."
No. Stay.
My hand is empty now. I'm empty.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Broken

ZANE

I dragged myself to work in the morning, exhausted. It had been my intention to take some time off to stay at the house with Lili while she recovered
,
but I needed space and I knew she did
,
too. She'd been right. It had taken me over an hour to calm down enough to see it
,
but she was right. It was my fault. Every bit of it.

When Lizzie showed up, I'd intended to just blow her off. I was tired from taking care of Lili and completely content now that things seemed to be going the way I wanted. But, she continued to pound on the front door for several minutes before I decided she wasn't going away without talking to me. From the second I answered the door and stepped outside, I knew it was a mistake. Lizzie was sober and willing to try anything and all I wanted to do was go back in and hold Lili.

At one point, she'd insulted Lili and I lost it for a moment, saying something hateful and uncalled for that made her eyes gloss over with tears. I felt guilty after that. It was a dick move to throw our past in her face, even if every word I'd said was true. I tried to be kinder to her after that
,
but she was wearing on my patience. Finally, I gave her a hug and sent her on her way.

As I headed back inside, trying to be quiet, I'd nearly tripped over Lili. She was curled up and I immediately wondered if she was sleepwalking. I was nervous as I saw her hair sticking to her neck and her body trembling the way it did when she cried out in her sleep. I called out to her, hoping to wake her
,
and was shocked to see her face was covered with tears. I was completely caught off guard as I realized she had overheard, and apparently misunderstood, my conversation with Lizzie.

I'd chased her down the hall and spent almost an hour sitting against her door, listening to that fucking song repeat over and over. I realized early on that she couldn't hear me but there was no way I was leaving the hallway until I talked to her. Kas came back first, trying to figure out what happened but I wouldn't speak. She sighed and let it go, trying to give me space to work it out alone, I suppose.

It was when Tish came home an hour later that things got messy. He pulled me up, causing me to get defensive and shove him. Kas had to break us apart. We hadn't gotten physical with one another since our parents died. With growing up watching violence in our family every day, it wasn't something we took lightly.

I backed down, heading to my room to cool off. I heard when the music was finally turned down. The sudden silence felt almost deafening.
 

When Lili yelled, I started pacing my room, wondering what was being said. Her door was opened now and I could go explain. Surely Tish would talk her into listening. I could apologize. Again.

It wasn't until Tish yelled for me that I heard Lili coughing. Running in and seeing her that way, panic-stricken and her lips turning blue as she ran out of oxygen, nearly killed me.

I'd almost lost Conner when he was two because of an asthma attack and I was a fucking paramedic. But
,
when someone can't breathe, there's only so much anyone short of a doctor in a hospital can do. I did my best to stay calm and help her relax
,
but when she finally regained control of her breathing, she said the words that still burned inside me like fire.

All of this is your fault!

And she was absolutely right.
 

Even now, two hours into my shift, I'd barely spoken a word to Jackson. Of course, he wasn't very talkative this morning either. I yawned as my phone rang, causing both Jackson and I to jump.

"Shit," I grumbled as I answered Kas' call, instantly concerned because she was calling this early. "What's up?"

"Zane! She fucking left!" Kas sounded frantic
.
Her words took a moment to register. I sat up in my seat, pressing the phone harder against my ear as if that would make me understand.

"What? What do you mean she left?"

"She's fucking gone! She left a note on her bed saying she needed space and her shit is gone. She fucking left! What did you do?"

I felt it happen — that moment I'd always thought people made up when they said it — but I felt my heart stop. I froze, unable to move, think, speak for several seconds as the world spun on around me.

"How?" I asked, my voice sounding choked. I dropped my head to the dash of the rig, tapping my forehead hard against it several times as I tried to make sense of things.

"I called her first and she answered. She said she's safe and she's fine
,
but she's not coming home. At least, not anytime soon. She said this place isn't home to her," Kas said, her voice coming out too fast. I could hear Tish on the phone in the background and I wondered who he was talking to but I couldn't find the words to ask.
 

Just as I opened my mouth to tell her I needed to call Lili, the sound of the dispatcher’s voice cut me off.
 

"Gotta go. I'll handle it," I said, tossing the phone into the cup holder as Jackson took off toward our first call of the day.

It wasn't even noon when my phone started ringing again, going off as I finished up the paperwork from the call we just left. I grabbed it quickly, hoping it was Lili or at least Kas with more information
,
but it was a number I didn't recognize.

"Hello?" I said, wary as a sinking feeling settled in my bones.

"Mr. Tishler?" A female voice asked
.

"Yes."

"This is Mrs. Thompson. I'm calling about your son, Conner." For the second time in one morning, my heart stopped.

"What about him? Is he okay?"

"Yes, Mr. Tishler. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to alarm you. I'm his teacher. It's nothing too serious, we're just having a bit of a behavioral problem with Conner today and we need someone to come pick him up."

I let out a long breath, trying to calm my pulse as I ran a hand through my hair.

"We've tried several times to leave a message for his mother
,
but she hasn't returned our calls."

"Don't call her again. I'll be there as soon as I can," I snapped, sighing as I realized how rude I sounded. "Sorry. I was panicking when I thought something happened. His mom is probably working. I'll come get him."

"He'll be in the office." Her voice was harder now and I knew I'd probably made an enemy of this woman I barely knew.

"Thank you
,
" I said, ending the call and dropping my phone to my lap.

"What was that about?" Jackson asked.

"I have to go pick up Conner. Something happened at that stupid fucking daycare and Lizzie isn't answering." I shook my head as Jackson took off toward my car. Another partial day off work was going to thrill my boss. At the rate I was going recently, I would be fired for sure.

I hated the daycare Lizzie's parents took Conner to, which is why I never used them when I had him. There wasn't any one thing, just an accumulation of problems since he was an infant. But
,
it was the place closest to them and since I couldn't afford to pay to send him somewhere else near them, I didn't feel like I had any right to say he couldn't go there. I never felt like he was in danger
,
so that's the best I could ask for.

By the time I arrived, my mood had deteriorated even further. I walked into the main office, spotting Conner sitting in a chair inside the director’s door. I knocked on the open door and his head spun toward me before finding the floor again.

"Mr. Tishler?" she asked and I nodded, extending my hand.

"I'm Mrs. Van. Please, have a seat."

I pulled out the chair in front of her desk, keeping Conner in my line of sight as he kicked his feet slowly, not meeting my eyes.

"I'm sorry we had to call you away from work
,
but it seems Conner is having a problem keeping his hands to himself. He was sent home with a letter about this yesterday and today he returned and had a similar incident."

"Hitting?" I turned my head, looking at Conner straight on. He still wouldn't look up. This was really unlike him. This was the first time I'd heard of any problems. "I'm sorry. He's staying with his grandparents right now and I wasn't aware of the note from yesterday. I promise this will be taken care of."

"We had to pull him from class today again. He can return tomorrow
,
but I hope he understands that he's on warning with us." She looked sternly at Conner but he just scowled at his feet.

"Thank you," I said, rising and extending my hand, shaking hers once again. I paused by Conner's chair as he slid out and led him to the car.

I didn't speak as I buckled him into his car seat and he didn't even look at me. I climbed behind the wheel and started the car, thankful for the air conditioning as the sun beat down on the hood of the car. I stared at the glass-like effect of the heat rising from the metal and thought about what I was supposed to do in this situation. Parenting was an on-going war that was won in small battles. I'd learned early on that Conner was just as hard-headed as his mother and that I had to choose my words, and my battles, carefully.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" I asked, turning in my seat so I could see his face.

He finally met my eyes and I saw a hardness there that I'd never seen before. "They were picking on Lissa."

"Who was?"
 

"The boys. I told them to stop and to leave her alone
,
but they wouldn't." He huffed, apparently irritated that I didn't understand.

"But you can't hit, Conner."

"Yes I can."

"No you…" I stopped, closing my eyes and pressing the side of my fist against my forehead in frustration. "You should've gotten a teacher. Hands are not for hitting. You know that."

He didn't respond and I took a few deep breaths before opening my eyes. His were on me still and I had a moment of shock at the expression on his face. For the first time in his life, he looked like Adam when he stared at me.

"Why don't you wanna be my daddy anymore?" he asked and though his face was hard, his eyes were vulnerable, showing his sadness. His question rocked me to my core.

"Why would you say that?" I asked in complete shock.

"Mommy said so the other night," he answered.

I closed my eyes again, trying hard to keep my anger in check. We'd agreed not to tell Conner until he was old enough to understand. "What did Mommy say?"

"She said you weren't gonna be my daddy. That Uncle Adam was my new daddy." His little voice shook and I looked back at him, seeing the tears on his cheeks.
 

I immediately climbed out of the car and slid into the seat beside him. I unbuckled his belt and pulled him into my lap, letting him cry into my chest as I wrapped my arms around him.

"Mommy was wrong, buddy. I'm your daddy and no one can change that, okay?" I kissed his head, hating Lizzie more than I ever had in the past. This was too far. I suddenly realized just why she showed up at the house the other night. She was nervous about how I would react when I found out.

With good reason.

I'd called Lizzie's parents and told them Conner had gotten in trouble at daycare and I'd picked him up and was keeping him for a few days. I didn't tell them the reason behind his breakdown, deciding it was better not to show my hand until I knew exactly what I was going to do about it.

It wasn't until we pulled up in the driveway that my thoughts returned to Lili. I felt guilty for forgetting she'd left
,
but Conner's revelation had brought other things to the front of my mind.

I followed Conner into the house, turning on the TV in my bedroom for him and closing the door. Kas stood in the hallway, still in her pajamas, looking worried.

"I'm calling her now. I'm sorry. There was an… incident with Conner. I'll explain in a minute." I walked past her and shut the bathroom door, hating the lack of privacy in the crowded house.

I'd thought several times about moving out so Conner could have his own room when he came over. If I decided to fight for custody, I'd probably have to. The thought didn't sit well, especially not knowing where Lili was now.

I held my phone in my hand as I leaned against the bathroom counter. The few texts I'd sent her this morning went unanswered
,
so I hoped she would answer as I dialed.

"Hey," she said in a soft voice.

I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath until I let it out in a rush. She still sounded pretty rough, no doubt her throat was still swollen. She should've let us take her in last night. I realized it had been too long and I needed to respond.

"I'm sorry, Pixie. Please
,
just let me—"

She cut me off. "No more apologies. I'm done with 'I'm sorry.' I just need space. I promised Kas I would answer if any of you called, just so you wouldn't worry. I'm answering. I'm fine. That's all you need to know right now."

"Pix…" I started but the three beeps of the call disconnecting echoed in my ear.
 

"Fuck!" I tossed the phone onto the counter, trying not to think about drying her hair or how it had felt to take care of her and make her smile. I had to come up with a plan, some way to just make her listen. I tried to figure out how to explain it in just the right way.

She said yesterday that I loved Lizzie and I hadn't been able to deny it, partly because she'd caught me so off-guard and partly because, well, I thought she might be right. Maybe I did love Lizzie at one time. She was the only girl other than my sisters I'd ever cared about. Before Lili.

But how I felt about Lizzie, even back in high school, and how I felt about Lili were two completely different things.

Being with Lizzie was… I don't know. An obligation? That wasn't the word I wanted to use. She was my first. I met her when I was sixteen and I'd thought it was love. Less than a year later
,
my parents and Olivia died. After that, love didn't really feel… real. Being with Lizzie was just… easier than the alternative. I was tied to her by Conner, though. I couldn't change that. She was always going to be the mother of my son.