Perfect Regret ( BOOK 2) (18 page)

I lifted Jaz’s feet off the table and dropped them on the floor. “Go bug someone else, Jaz. Cause I’m not playing,” I grumbled, giving my table one last swipe with the cloth and turned to go clock out.

“Wow, who pissed in your cornflakes? I was just making the observation that you seemed to be really into your work lately. I think it’s great you have your
work
to get you through such a difficult time. We all know you don’t handle your emotions well. I mean look what happened after Damien dumped you,” she said, dropping her voice in a feigned show of concern.

That was it, I was so done. I turned around, ready to unleash my inner Ghangis Khan on her face when we were interrupted by an unwelcome source.

“Back off, Jaz,” Damien said, getting between us. Jaz’s bitch knob, which had been firmly on eleven, dialed back a notch. She turned faintly pink as she gave Damien a bright smile.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Damien. I’m not doing anything to Riley. Don’t make me the bad guy here just because you’ve decided you want back into her granny panties,” Jaz sneered. I grit my teeth together so hard I could have sworn I cracked a tooth or two.

“Seriously, just go,” Damien’s voice was clipped and hard and I was totally shocked. Damien didn’t play the confrontational card very often. Jaz looked hurt by his defense of me and walked off in a huff.

He turned back and gave me a wane smile, his black hair falling into his face.

“Thanks for running interference, D. That would have only ended in a gore fest,” I said and Damien’s smile grew at my unintentional use of the nickname I had given him a lifetime ago.

“Moore would have been pretty pissed if you had bloodied up his brand new carpet. So it’s a good thing I was here,” Damien teased and I found myself smiling back.

Damien reached out to squeeze my arm and before I could pull away there was a commotion from the stage where Generation Rejects had suddenly stopped playing.

“Take your hand off her before I fucking make you,” an angry voice grumbled over the sound system. I looked up in shock to see that Garrett had taken the microphone from Cole and was glaring in my direction.

Well not at me but at Damien who stood there with his mouth hanging open like an idiot.

“Is he talking to me?” Damien asked, his eyes wide with what I could only decipher as burgeoning panic. Garrett had dropped the mic on the stage, pulled his guitar from around his neck, handing it to a flabbergasted Mitch and stormed through a crowd that parted like the Red Sea.

Was this really happening?

Jordan had gotten to his feet and was right behind his friend, trying to stop him. But Garrett wasn’t having it. He was a man on a mission. And clearly his mission was to kick some Damien ass.

Garrett didn’t even stop before he barreled into Damien who went down with an undignified “umph.” Damien sat on his butt, looking up at the scary rocker who towered over him and he seemed to be trying to disappear into the floor.

“Don’t. Touch. Her. Ever. Again,” Garrett growled through gritted teeth. Jordan grabbed his arm and tried to pull him back.

“What the fuck, man. We’re in the middle of a show!” Jordan looked at me as if I could solve this crazy Garrett Bellows puzzle. My eyes were like saucers and I knew I was just staring at the crazy alpha male that had erupted out of Garrett like the Incredible Hulk.

“I was just talking to her. What business is it of yours anyway? She’s my girlfriend,” Damien said, trying to win back some of the pride that had already gotten up and run away.

Wait…what?

Did Damien just refer to me as his girlfriend?

Oh hell no!

But before I could correct my seriously deluded ex, Garrett’s face turned a molten red. He hauled Damien up by the front of his shirt and then without further ado, decked him, square in the jaw, sending him back to the floor on his ass. Poor Damien’s backside was sure getting a work out.

And all I could do was stand there, staring like an idiot with my mouth hanging open. No way was this my life. I avoided drama like the plague but it seemed since hooking up with Garrett, it followed me everywhere.

“Garrett, stop it!” Jordan yelled and I could see Moore coming out of the kitchen looking mad. Garrett turned his mega watt anger on me.

“Were you going to tell me you were back with this jackass? Or did you just conveniently forget while I was fucking you?” Garrett asked and everyone around us gasped. Well I guess the cat was out of the bag now.

I felt my face flush and my heart begin to pound furiously in my ears. I understood now what it meant to see red. Because that’s all I saw.

Deep, murderous, I’m-gonna-rip-his-dick-off red.

“Shut the hell up, man. You have shit to say to Riley, do it somewhere private. This is not the time or place to be hashing out your issues,” Jordan reasoned, trying to cut this off at the pass. Maysie suddenly materialized beside me and had grabbed me by the hand, trying to steer me away from the scene that was about to go down.

Because she knew the look on my face. And it meant I was about to get mean.

I stepped up into Garrett’s personal space and looked him dead in the eye. He was angry but I could also see he was just plain hurt. Well I was also hurting right now. I hadn’t expected for my private life to become front-page news because of his jealous ego. This on top of my minimal emotional functioning and I was ready to pop.

“He is
not
my boyfriend. But I guess it took too much thought to actually ask me before you made a complete
fool
of yourself.” Garrett didn’t seem in the least bit embarrassed. He simply looked back at me as if daring me to refute his announcement. Waiting for me to deny we had been together.

“And I obviously wasn’t thinking about much when you
fucked
me because otherwise I would have stayed the hell away from an asshole like you!” I said with a steady calm that surprised even me.

Garrett flinched, a slight movement that only I noticed. My words hit home, just as I had meant for them to. I turned on my heel and started to stalk off. We had created quite the spectacle. Everyone in the bar was watching us with avid interest and I was completely mortified.

“Riley!” Garrett called out but I just kept walking, pushing and shoving my way to the back of the restaurant.

“Okay, guys, I think it’s time to wrap up your set,” Moore said, trying to get some control over the situation. I didn’t even check to see that Damien was okay. Fuck Damien and his stupid hands and even dumber mouth.

“Riley, god damn it, stop!” Garrett yelled at the top of his lungs. Seriously fuck all of these guys!

Garrett grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me to him. He was sweaty and still flushed from his serious case of roid rage. “Look, I’m sorry all right. That was out of line. But fucking hell, Harry Potter over there needs to keep his hands to himself. He has no right touching you,” he said furiously.

I laughed. A bitter and humorless sound.

“And you do?” I asked incredulously.

Garrett leaned in close as though he were going to kiss me and damn it, I found myself leaning into him and my eyes started to close. “You’re damn right I do. If anyone is going to touch this body, it’s going to be me and no one else,” he swore pushing his hair back off of his face.

His eyes raked over me and I couldn’t help but tingle under his scrutiny. I narrowed my eyes to cover up the fact that having him in such close proximity was doing a number on my lady parts.

“I’m trying to be understanding. I’m trying to be patient. But Riley, I can’t sit back and forget about everything that happened between us. I know you’re hurting and angry and going through those stages of grief but I’m here, damn it,” Garrett said softly, thankfully dropping his voice to a volume that only I could hear. Because our audience was still entirely too fixated on what was happening between us.

“I never asked you to be patient. Look, I’m sorry if you thought that just because we slept together a few times that meant we were
together
or something. But I’m busy. I’ve got school. And you’ve got your…” I looked around, my lip curling. “Well you have this, don’t you?” I asked with more than a bit of condescension.

Yes folks, I was being a bitch. And yes it was messed up. And maybe I was being a world-class idiot. But all I could see when I looked at Garrett right then was a guy who didn’t fit. I wasn’t blind to everything else that he was. But this man had the power to hurt me. He could crush my heart. And I was sure my heart wouldn’t bend, it would snap in two.

I was a girl hanging on by a thread. A girl whose only lifeline was the goals she had set for herself.

I was already hurting. I was already a short jump away from falling off the edge. And Garrett Bellows stood there with his heart in his eyes, asking me to skip over it with him.

I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t.

I needed safe. I needed something I could depend on. And a relationship between Garrett and I would be entirely too messy.

Riley Walker didn’t do messy.

Garrett’s head snapped back as though I had slapped him and the warmth in his eyes cooled. “Wow, you sure know how to cut a guy at the knees,” he said sharply.

I said nothing.

Garrett watched my face, as if looking for that girl who had fallen asleep in his arms. The girl who had given him her body as though he were the only guy in the world. And certainly the only one that mattered.

Well that girl had been locked away and I wasn’t planning to let her out again anytime soon.

“I had planned on fighting for this, Riley. Because I thought it was something we both wanted. I know you’re feeling lost. You’re hurting. I wanted to be that guy to help hold you together. I thought, maybe we could start healing each other.” There was a catch in Garrett’s voice and he had to look away.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and felt my resolve waver. “Garrett…” I began, not knowing exactly what I was going to say.

Garrett turned back at me and smiled. A smile that was lackadaisical and said
I-couldn’t-give-a-shit.
Clearly, he knew how he was going to play this. After all, our roles had been defined early on. We had simply gotten lost in the temporary insanity brought on by lust and vulnerability.

“My bad,” Garrett stated, walking past me and back toward the stage.

I turned toward the crowd and wanted to scream. Everyone stared at me. Maysie’s eyes were wide, her mouth a perfect ‘o.’ Jaz stood off to the side, her arms crossed and a self-satisfied smirk on her face. Jordan looked concerned but annoyed as well.

And Damien, well, he was looking at me as though I had crushed all of his dreams.

Screw this.

I pushed through the press of people to get to the kitchen. I grabbed my stuff and left through the side door, ignoring the expected catcalls from Paco and Fed. I didn’t even bother giving them the finger, as I normally did.

I felt like I had been run over by a bus. All I could think of was the look on Garrett’s face as I cut him down.

No. I had done the right thing. We didn’t belong together and pretending otherwise would only be prolonging the inevitable heartbreak.
That
was not the life I wanted for myself.

“Riley!” I rubbed at my temples, trying to stop the impending headache. I caught sight of Gracie hurrying toward me.

Gracie stopped as she reached my car, out of breath and looking at me strangely. “You’re leaving?” she asked and I gave her a funny look. I waved my hand toward my car.

“That would be why I’m holding my keys and standing in front of my car,” I answered, trying to keep a reign on the sarcasm.

Gracie looked at me uncomfortably. “You and Garret, huh?” she asked in a tiny voice and I wanted to shut my eyes in shame.

“I’m sorry, G. I know you like him…” I began but she held up her hand.

“Don’t, Riley. Seriously, just don’t. It’s not like I planned for him to be the father of my kids or anything.” Gracie’s mouth twisted and I knew that she was more hurt than she let on. How could I, in all of the Garrett mess, had forgotten that my good friend liked him? Where was my sense of loyalty?

What happened to the girl credo
Chicks before dicks?
I felt like a heel. A total and complete jackass.

“I know, but I shouldn’t have…you know. I wasn’t thinking. The first time I was drunk. And then he was there after Dad and it just sort of happened. I really am sorry,” I said quietly.

Gracie shook her head and her smile was as fake as her knockoff Coach purse. “You’re my friend, Riley. I’m not mad at you. You’re going through a rough time. I’m just disappointed you didn’t tell me yourself.”

I sighed, wishing I could say something to break through the unbearable tension between us. I was a shit. I had hurt Garrett and I had hurt my friend. And for what? A couple of rolls in the hay? No sex was worth that.

“I’m an ass,” I muttered. Gracie lifted her shoulders but didn’t say anything.

We stood there for a moment, not making eye contact.

“I guess I’ll talk to you later,” Gracie said, her words clipped.

“Later,” I agreed and watched my friend turn and walk back into the bar.

“I
’ll be at Jordan and Garrett’s this weekend. They’re finalizing the tour dates and I need to be there to help them get stuff sorted. Will you be okay by yourself?” Maysie asked, standing in the doorway of my room, as I got ready to go to my internship.

I looked at her in the mirror and arched my eyebrow. “Did I forget how to take care of myself or something? Do you need to be here to make sure I eat my vegetables and drink my milk?” I joked and Maysie shook her head.

“Such a smartass. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. We haven’t really talked about how you’re holding up after your dad and well, you hide things so it’s hard to know if you need me here or not,” Maysie said awkwardly and I gave her an appreciative smile.

“I’m okay, Mays. I swear,” I said, putting my brush down and standing up to face her. My best friend came into my room and gave me a hug. And I let her; because there
were
times I needed them as much as the next person.

“How’s your mom?” she asked me softly and I lifted my hands.

“She’s surviving. I think that’s all I can expect of her right now,” I said.

“Yeah, I get that,” Maysie remarked and I could tell she was uncomfortable. Knowing what to say to someone who had so recently lost a loved one was tricky. There was a fine line between being supportive and patronizing. Not many people understood that.

I may be swimming in some pretty deep denial but honestly I felt like I was doing fine. Sure, I hurt. I grieved. But for the most part I was throwing myself into school and work and making sure I did the things I had always planned. And for right now that was helping.

After my epic confrontation with Garrett at Barton’s, things had gone thankfully quiet on that end. I hadn’t heard from Garrett and Maysie had been wisely tightlipped, recognizing it was a topic best left alone.

And while Jordan seemed at times on the verge of saying something, he had yet to give me a reason to unleash a verbal lashing. The less people poking their well meaning noses into my personal life the better.

As for the other loose ends in my life, they were still dangling. Damien was wary and despite his black and blue ass, was still tentatively nice.

And then there was Gracie. We were so immersed in each other’s lives that there was no avoiding one another. I wasn’t one to run from conflict, but even I had a hard time handling the iceberg that had taken up residence between us.

Gracie wasn’t the type of person to be outright nasty. She was still civil and polite. We still talked about classes and rode together to our internship, but the subject of a certain guitar playing cutie was left completely alone.

Part of me wanted to address it and get it out there in the open. I hated subtext and that’s what Gracie and I had become. A huge, heaping pile of insinuation. Every conversation held the hint of something else below the surface. There were a million unspoken things between us.

But every time I thought to bring it up, Gracie intuitively shut it down.

So we continued to exist in this world where we didn’t talk about the one thing that was interfering with our friendship. My recent trip into slut town chauffeured by Garrett Bellows.

Aside from that, I had school. I had my internship. I had my straight As. And most importantly I had my total and complete control over where my life was headed. I had recently sent off my grad school applications and started to make plans for what I was going to do after graduation.

Everything was just as it was supposed to be. And in my head I could hear my dad’s sage words,
live a life that matters.
Well I would do that, at whatever the cost.

“The guys are supposed to head out after the holidays. They’ll be gone for almost six months,” Maysie was saying, snapping me out of my internal monologue.

“Wow, six months. That’s a long time. I thought it was only for three?” I asked her.

“Yeah, well some of the bigger clubs out west got a hold of their demo and wanted to book them for some shows. They’re even opening for Flytrap in May! How amazing is that?” Maysie said excitedly, mentioning a rock band with a hard core following on the college scene.

“That’s pretty cool,” I admitted but then I looked at my friend pointedly. “What are you going to do?” I asked. Hell, what was
I
going to do? Garrett would be gone for six months.

But then again, six months away from the constant tug and pull of my emotions where he was concerned sounded kind of great actually. At least that’s what I told myself.

But Maysie and Jordan were a unit. I couldn’t imagine Jordan being okay with leaving her behind. Even if he was doing something he loved. Because his love for Maysie trumped everything else.

Maysie’s eyes were downcast and she chewed on her bottom lip. “Well, that’s the thing I wanted to talk to you about,” she said nervously. I watched her warily as she started to twist the rings on her fingers. She was about to tell me something she knew I wouldn’t like. Or at the very least something I would give her a stern lecture about.

“I’ve decided to graduate early. I’m going to get my diploma at the end of the semester,” she said quickly. I blinked in shock, not sure I heard her correctly.

“What?” I asked incredulously.

“I already have enough credits so I figured why not. And then…well…I’m going on the road with the guys,” she announced and I sat down heavily on my bed.

Maysie was leaving. At the end of the semester. To go on tour with Jordan and the band.

Well crap.

“Are you serious?” I asked, trying not to sound as judgmental as I was feeling.

“I want to be with him, Ri. More than anything. And this is his chance to make music and change his life,” she argued.

“What about your life? Your plans?” I asked, not understanding how she could give up everything to follow her boyfriend around the country. I didn’t want to tell her how disappointed I was in her decision. Though I should have expected this. She and Jordan were a force unto themselves. They had always been and an all-encompassing whirlwind that teetered on the edge of disaster. And for me, the always sensible, reliable one, this had disaster written all over it.

Maysie sat down beside me and nudged me with her shoulder. “He
is
my plan, Riley. Jordan is my life. My future and his future are wrapped up in doing this together. I’m not you. I don’t have these fantastic goals that I’m determined to meet. I don’t have things written down and planned out. All I know is that this is what I want to do. And I’ve spent way too long worried about what other people think I
should
be doing. This time, I’m doing what
I
want to do,” she said defensively.

“I know I should be telling you why this is a stupid idea. Because I know that’s what you expect me to do. But maybe this time, I’ll just say good luck,” I said, putting my arm around her shoulders. She sagged in relief that it hadn’t become an argument.

“I’m just gonna miss you is all,” I said gruffly, feeling emotional at the thought of going through my last few months of college without my best friend.

Maysie wrapped her arm around my waist. “I’ll miss you too, Ri. But who knows, maybe you could come with us or something. You know, when you’re done with school. Before you head off to grad school, it might be good for you,” Maysie teased and I shoved her away.

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Maysie,” I said tersely.

“Okay, I get it…it doesn’t fit into your grand vision right,” Maysie’s dig was more than a little harsh and I realized that perhaps she was just as critical of my choices as I was of hers.

“I’ve got to get to the newspaper,” I said getting to my feet.

“Are you picking up Gracie?” Maysie asked, not realizing how such an innocent question put me on edge.

“Uh, no, I’m not. I was just planning on driving myself. I have to work later so I figured I wouldn’t have time to drop her off,” I lied.

“Are things cool with you two? I know you’re feeling bad about Garrett because of her, but I don’t think you should let that eat you up. Gracie goes through crushes like you or I go through underwear. She’s never been serious about Garrett. She just thought he was cute. So if you’re beating yourself up because you thought you were being disloyal to Gracie, let it go,” Maysie said firmly.

I appreciated her words. They were spoken like a true friend.

“Yeah, well it was still a dick move. But things are fine, I guess. We haven’t talked much beyond what’s going on in class,” I replied dismissively. I really didn’t want to talk about this stuff. My head was already too full with Maysie’s unexpected news.

“Gracie has become a train wreck. I don’t think she really cares about any of that stuff, Ri. She’s too busy self-destructing. She was so messed up last night, Garrett had to give her a ride home from his house,” Maysie stated and my heart sunk.

“Shit, that’s awful. I knew she was partying a lot but I guess I haven’t been paying that much attention. See, shitty friend award right here,” I pointed at my chest.

“She’s teetering on the edge, you know. She says she’s just blowing off steam, but it seems excessive to me. And I know Garrett feels the same way,” Maysie remarked offhandedly.

“You’ve talked to Garrett about Gracie?” I asked nonchalantly. Yeah, nonchalant my ass.

“Yeah, well he’s had to take her home the last few times. And we were all hanging out at his house after their gig last night and Gracie got wasted…again…I know Garrett’s worried,” Maysie said, not picking up on the way I had tensed.

I had no right to be jealous. I should feel relieved that the world had righted itself and Gracie was spending time with Garrett, just as she had wanted to. It would go a long way to alleviate my feelings of guilt. And it sounded as though he was doing her a solid by looking out for her.

So why did I feel like there was a three ton weight in my chest?

“I’m glad to hear that he’s worried for her. They really are good together. Now, I’ve got to get going. We’ll talk more about you leaving me later,” I said with a smile so she knew I was joking. Maysie looked at me in confusion.

“Uh, okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you this evening,” she called out as I gathered my stuff and headed to the living room.

“Oh you’re actually staying here tonight?” I asked.

Maysie rolled her eyes. “Yes, Jordan and the guys are doing some guy thing that involved drinking beer and blowing stuff up. I think I’ll sit that one out,” she remarked.

“Smart choice,” I replied, mustering up a grin even as my face felt as though it were encased in cement.

Enough of this feelings crap. I had an internship to get to.