Perfect Regret ( BOOK 2) (17 page)

W
e weren’t even recovered from our post coital bliss when my phone started to ring. I untangled myself from Garrett to grab it. I saw that it was my mother and I instantly froze.

All of the warm, glowing fuzzies I had felt only moments earlier evaporated in an instant. “Hello?” I said after answering, cringing at how out of breath I sounded.

“Ri, hey, it’s Gavin,” my brother said into the phone. Why in the world was he calling me from Mom’s cell?

“Where’s Mom? What happened?” I asked, sitting up and covering myself with a sheet. Garrett sat upright beside me, taking my hand in his.

“She’s not doing too well right now. You need to get down here right away. It’s Dad,” Gavin broke off and I could hear his muffled sob and that made all the blood drain from my face.

I pulled away from Garrett and swung my legs over the side of the bed. With the phone still pressed to my ear, I bent down to retrieve my discarded clothing. Working one handed, I pulled my panties and jeans back on. My hands were trembling so badly, I dropped my shirt several times and finally Garrett took it from me and had me sit back down.

“What about Dad? Gavin just tell me what the hell happened!” I demanded, feeling the rising hysteria in the back of my throat.

“He was doing fine. His doctor’s were feeling confident that he would be okay. But then he had another heart attack,” my brother’s voice wobbled and I knew what was coming. I just knew that this phone call was to tell me I’d never see my father again.

“He’s gone, isn’t he,” I stated rather than asked.

Gavin was outright crying and I don’t think I had ever heard him sound so emotional about anything. He rarely became enthused or worked up. But I could hear him losing it over the phone and it was terrifying.

“He’s gone, Ri. He’s gone,” my brother cried.

“Where’s Mom?” I asked firmly, trying to get Gavin to focus. My face hardened and I felt my heart freeze over. I should be crying. I had been an emotional wreck for the last twenty-four hours. But now, when the worst had come, I found that I was like a block of stone.

“She’s back with him. She won’t leave his room. Fliss tried to get her to leave but she refused. You need to get down here,” Gavin said and I thought how ridiculous it was that me, the baby of the family, was always called on to make things right. That out of the three of us, I was by far the most levelheaded sibling.

Gavin, even though he had a respectable career as a teacher, still lived his life like a teenager, refusing to commit to his long-term girlfriend and still coming to mooch out of Mom and Dad’s pantry several times a week.

Felicity was married with kids but she still relied so much on Mom to help her make decisions in her life. She rarely did anything without running it past our parents first as though afraid to make a move without their approval.

Then there was me. I was off at college, determined to live my life on my own terms. I was the independent woman my mom and dad had raised me to be. So when shit hit the fan, I could be called on to find the reason when there didn’t seem to be any.

And that’s what my mother needed now. And clearly Felicity and Gavin weren’t going to give it. And as much as I loved and appreciated my siblings, in that moment I just felt irritated.

“I’m on my way. Just leave her be until I get there,” I directed my brother before hanging up. My brain was now in disaster recovery mode. I quickly put on my bra and shirt. I found my bag and pulled out my brush, running it through my hair. No sense going to the hospital, right after my father died, looking like I had just had my brains fucked out.

God, what kind of person was I that while my dad was dying, I was screwing the guy who up until yesterday, I was determined had no place in my life? I was a stupid, selfish brat. And I hated myself for missing out on the chance to be with my father, one last time, and was instead getting naked in their spare bedroom.

“Stop it, Riley,” Garrett said suddenly, pulling me out of my bleak thoughts. I looked up at him in a mixture of annoyance and confusion.

“Stop what?” I barked, knowing that I was once again taking my negative feelings out on him and he was absolutely the last person to deserve that. But I couldn’t stop the malice that poured out of me. I glared at him with scorn.

“You’re going to start blaming yourself. Hell, I can see you’re about to blame me as well.” I curled my lip at him in irritation.

Garrett gripped me by the arms and forced me to look at him. “But you can’t do that to yourself. You could do nothing to change what happened. And you can’t start regretting your choices now, it’ll drive you crazy,” he said firmly, giving me a little shake.

“And please, don’t say you regret us and what just happened. Not after everything,” his voice broke and I could only shake my head.

“I can’t do this right now, Garrett. Okay? I need to get to my family,” I bit out, pulling away from his grasp.

Garrett hurriedly buttoned up his shirt. “Then I’m going with you,” he said, leaving no room for argument.

“You don’t have to…” I started but Garrett cut me off by kissing me soundly on the mouth. I blinked up at him in surprise.

“I know I don’t
have
to. But I
want
to. Let me be there for you,” he said and I nodded, unable to find the words to answer him.

We walked out to the kitchen and it felt like a lifetime ago that Garrett had carried me back that same hallway. My life changed in that tiny, spare room but right now all I could see was the way everything had exploded. Just when I thought things were sorting themselves out the real world gave me the big ol’ middle finger.

I gave Garrett directions to the hospital but other than that we said very little to each other. Garrett seemed to recognize that I needed my space and I was lost in my own sad, little world. Garrett took my hand as we got into the elevators to take us to the fourth floor where the ICU was. His fingers laced through mine and I even in my shock I felt a small measure of happiness at having him there with me.

And then I hated myself some more for feeling happy at all. It felt wrong to garner joy from anything right now.

I dropped Garrett’s hand once we came to the ICU. Because the first thing I saw was my brother and sister huddled together, their faces red from crying. I was struck dumb for a moment. I didn’t know what to do.

Garrett fell behind me, allowing me to approach them by myself but with the knowledge that he was right behind me should I need him. “Fliss, Gavin,” I said quietly. They looked up at me and both got to their feet, enfolding me in their arms.

I wanted to cry so badly. I felt the burning in my eyes and the tightness in my chest but for some reason, I couldn’t. It was as though my tear ducts had stopped working.

“He’s gone, Ri. Dad’s gone!” Felicity wailed into my shoulder as she squeezed me tighter.

“I need to go to find Mom,” I murmured, pulling back slightly.

“She won’t leave him. The nurses and doctors have tried to get her to let go of his hand but she just sits there, staring at him, as though he’ll wake up at any minute. We told Dad’s doctor we had called you and you would handle Mom. You always know what to do,” Gavin said and not for the first time I wondered which of us was the older sibling.

“I’ll handle it,” I promised. Felicity and Gavin let me go and I looked over my shoulder at Garrett who still hung back, careful not to intrude.

“Guys, this is my friend, Garrett. He drove me up here last night,” I said by way of introduction. Felicity gave him a watery smile and Gavin barely acknowledged him at all. Garrett came to sit beside my sister and reached out to touch my hand before I left to help my mother.

“I’ll be here,” was all he said and for me, for right now, that’s exactly what I needed to hear.

“M
om,” I said softly into the quiet hospital room. My mom was bowed over, her forehead touching my dad’s hand. I couldn’t look at my father just yet. I needed to keep my shit together so I could deal with Mom.

I walked slowly around the foot of the bed and sank to my haunches beside her. I rested my hand on her shoulder and leaned in close, my cheek resting on her arm. “Mom, please look at me,” I whispered.

My mom didn’t turn her head; she stayed bent over my dead father’s hand as though she were praying. If my mother were a religious woman, I would have assumed that was what she was doing. But Mom and Dad didn’t subscribe to “orthodox religious ideals,” choosing the beach and the waves as their God and church.

Nope, I knew this was a woman who had lost the most important person in her life and was now crumbling in on herself.

I shook her shoulder a bit, hoping to snap her out of it. The doctors and nurses were hovering outside the door. I knew they needed to take Dad’s body away. There were things that needed to be done, decisions that had to be made. But, sympathetically they were waiting on Mom.

“Come on, let’s go. You need to sleep. Get something to eat. Let Fliss, Gavin and me take care of you,” I said urgently, trying to get a reaction out of her. Mom shook her head and pressed a kiss to the cold hand in her grasp.

“I can’t leave him,” she cried, followed by a strangled moan that made me shiver.

“Mom, please. Come with me,” I begged. I put my arms around my mother, holding her. Finally, she turned into me and buried her face into my shirt. She began to sob as though she were the child and I were the parent there to comfort her.

I didn’t know when I would be afforded he luxury of letting my emotions out like that, so for now, I bottled it in and took care of the woman who needed me.

Over her shoulder, I chanced a look at my father. It’s true what they say, that death looks like sleep. Aside from the white pallor of his skin, Dad looked as though he were napping. The tubes and wires were gone. The machines had been turned off. The covers on his bed were pulled up over his chest as though he were chilly.

It was creepy and a discomfort filled me, making me look away and turn my attention back to my grieving mother.

“Can we go home?” I asked her and then I waited. After what felt like forever, she got to her feet, wiped her face and then slowly lifted my dad’s hand to her lips. I turned away, feeling like an intruder on this last moment she would have with her husband. The last time she would feel his skin on hers. The last look at the face that had been her constant companion for over forty years.

I went to the doorway and waited and thought long and hard about what it meant to love someone to the point of losing yourself when they were gone. I hadn’t loved Damien like that. Even though I had been upset and put out when he dumped me, I could recognize now that it was more about my wounded pride and being made to feel like a fool than anything else.

Yes, I had loved him. Yes, he had been a part of my life for over a year so of course I had been attached. But I had gone on without him. I had bounced back.

What had grown between my mom and dad over the years went beyond a love I had ever experienced. And even though I knew my mother would go on with her life, she would never truly heal from losing my dad. A loss like that wasn’t something you could
get
over. Not really. You just learned to live through the pain.

It scared me to think of loving someone so much that to lose them would be to only half exist.

My mother followed me out to the waiting room and the first thing my eyes were drawn to was Garrett, looking at pictures on my sister’s phone. He seemed impassive as usual while Felicity prattled on about her daughters. He nodded and made comments but his face revealed nothing.

Gavin jumped to his feet and rushed over to Mom. Felicity looked up and was then right behind our brother, clamoring to get to our mother. Garrett stayed seated, his calm, mellow vibe a balm on my jangled nerves.

He didn’t approach me. He simply inclined his head in my direction and gave me a small smile. I didn’t return it. I didn’t know how to right then. But I inclined my head back before turning back to my family.

I
stayed in Port David for almost two weeks. Dad’s funeral had been scheduled for a week after his passing. Then I stayed around to make sure Mom was settled and doing okay.

The funeral was tough, just as I knew it would be. If I could imagine a hell, watching my father be lowered into the ground had to be it. In the first few hours after Dad died, I wasn’t sure if Mom would be able to make it on her own. She had seemed so small, as though she had shrunk in on herself.

My brother and sister hadn’t been much better. My brother seemed lost and all my sister did was cry. It got better when Felicity’s husband, Sam, showed up with the girls. My sister pulled herself together for her kids and Sam helped shoulder the load of planning Dad’s service.

But I had gone into autopilot. Just call me Robo-Riley, because my emotions had gone into hibernation. There was no room at the inn for feeling sad and sorry for myself. I had to pull up my big girl panties and help my family in the way only Riley Walker could.

Garrett had stayed for a few hours after we took my mom back to the house from the hospital. I had just gotten her to lie down and rest for a bit and had come out to find Garrett sitting on the back porch steps, looking out at the ocean. Gavin had gone home and Felicity had headed to a local hotel with her family to get settled and to try and take a nap.

Garrett looked up when the screen door slammed behind me and I gave him a shaky semblance of a smile as I joined him on the steps. It had been really cold and I tucked my hands under my legs to try and keep them warm.

Garrett’s hair had fallen in his face and I thought about tucking it behind his ear but I felt strange about touching him. I didn’t know what my problem was. All I knew was that everything had changed in the span of a few hours and I didn’t know how to fit this man into my new world order.

“I would ask how you were doing, but I know what a fucked up question that is,” Garrett had said, his hands hanging limply between his knees.

“And I would have told you it’s a messed up question and to stop asking me shit that should be self-explanatory,” I lobbed back, smirking.

Garrett’s chuckle was soft and ended too soon. “It’s going to be hard. The next few months are going to be fucking miserable. But just try and take it one day at a time.”

“Seriously? That’s your sage advice? Take it one day at a time? What are you a walking, talking self-help book?” I asked him, my lips quirking into a tiny grin.

Garrett shrugged. “Sure, it’s cliché. But it’s the truth. Loss is loss and nothing will make it better but time.”

I had looked at Garrett while he spoke and had thought about his tattoo.
Blessed are the hearts that can bend; for they shall never be broken.

I got it. I really did. Losing someone you love smashes you into smithereens. It alters you in a way that I couldn’t, in the deep throes of my grief, believe I’d ever move past. I understood why Garrett had shut himself off, tucked all those messy feelings away. And why being with me, a girl with a self-professed chip on her shoulder, probably scared him silly.

“Is that how you got by after your parents died?” I asked, not knowing whether I was treading on forbidden ground or not. But I figured given everything we had been through together in the last twenty-four hours I had earned the right to some personal information.

And there was something reassuring about talking to someone who had been through something equally painful. We were both card-carrying members of the dead parents club and it was a crappy club to belong to. But having him there, understanding on some level what I was experiencing, was oddly helpful.

Garrett glanced over at me before turning look out at the ocean again. “After my parents died I lost focus. I had planned to go to college, you know. I had been accepted to the University of Virginia. I wanted to be a doctor or some shit,” he revealed and I tried not to look as shocked as I was.

“Really?” I asked and cringed at how incredulous I sounded. Garrett picked up on it however and I saw his shoulders tense. Great, I had just insulted the guy who was being my biggest support right now. Way to go, Riley!

“Yeah, I wasn’t always a total waste of skin, Riley. I used to have the 4.0 GPA and full ride to school. I was Mr. Extracurricular Activities. But after my parents died none of it mattered anymore. I was too old to go to foster care; I had turned eighteen at the beginning of my senior year. So in the eyes of the state I was able to take care of myself, but I was still a fucking kid. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Sure, I had a house to live in and money from their life insurance policies to keep me fed and clothed, but I was a mess. Total and complete freedom paired with a huge dose of grief, it was no wonder I fell off the freaking planet. I was out of control. I completely lost it.”

Garrett took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving the breaking waves on the beach. I felt like such an ass for judging him for so long. I had spent the last few months thinking I was too good for the likes of Garrett Bellows. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. I could live a thousand years and never be the girl this amazing guy deserved. And that made me feel very, very small.

“If it hadn’t been for Jordan, and Mitch and Cole and being in the band, I would have joined my parents in the ground. And even though my life went in a direction I hadn’t planned, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m headed down the only road that I want to be on. And that works for me.” He pressed his lips together and turned his eyes to me and I could see a flinty resolve in them.

I didn’t know what to make of this. He was showing me a tiny piece of his life. Showing me something beyond the guy everyone else saw. Yet at the same time he seemed to be warning me that what you see is what you get. And it was up to me to accept it or not.

But I was in no condition to ponder that. I couldn’t think beyond getting through the next minute. The next hour. The next day. The pain that lived inside me was all consuming and made it hard to breathe.

“I still make mistakes. I’m still a huge fuck up in so many ways. I changed a lot the day I lost Mom and Dad. I’ll never be that guy I was before they died. Those goals, that future, it seems so insignificant now in the grand scheme of things. But it doesn’t change the fact that I lost myself and I don’t think I’ve yet to find him again,” Garrett said, looking sadder than I had ever seen him.

“Is that the deal with the parties and the girls and smoking pot? You’re trying to find yourself? Because to me, that seems like a poor way of going about it,” I snipped, realizing I sounded mean. But I felt irritated by his life choices.

Here was a guy who had the world at his feet. He clearly had a lot going for him once upon a time. But he allowed himself to be derailed. To lose his focus. He was still drifting at sea without a clue. It was frustrating to see his potential wasted in the way it was. I would never fall prey to my grief in a way that would make me lose sight of
me.
I owed it to my dad. I owed it to myself.

Garrett’s eyes flickered with anger. “Yeah, maybe it is. But it’s
my
life, Riley. And they’re
my
choices. And I’ll never be sorry for it,” he said defensively. I knew he was giving me a very strong warning.

I just wasn’t in the mood to hear it.

“I think that’s a coward’s excuse, Garrett. Don’t you want more for yourself than playing in a second rate band hoping you’ll ‘
make it
?’” I asked using air quotes just to be obnoxious. Garrett’s jaw tensed and I recognized the telltale signs of his rage.

“I don’t expect you to understand. And because you just lost your dad I won’t tell you what I really think of you and your ‘
life plan
.’” Damn it, he used air quotes back at me. “I’m sure it involves graduating from college, marrying a douche like that Damien guy, having a mid-level career, popping out your two point five kids, and convincing yourself you feel fulfilled.” He was getting himself worked up and I was feeling a whole lot of anger.

How it easy it was to focus on this, being self-righteous and holier than thou, than to think about the way my life had just upended on itself. Anger was better than depression any day of the week.

“You don’t know anything about my life or what I want from it! What do you know about goals and having a purpose? Huh? Am I supposed to sit here and take advice from a guy who doesn’t want anything more for himself than to screw a new girl every week and hoping he never runs out of pot? Really? Give me a break!”

Wow, I was on a roll and being completely unfair. Garrett’s face shattered a bit and then smoothed out.

“It’s a good thing my heart can bend,” he muttered under his breath.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him shortly, though I knew exactly what it meant.

He shook his head and got to his feet. “I don’t want to upset you when you’ve just experienced a major loss. Apparently all we’re capable of is pissing each other off. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I really didn’t. I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are right now. I really do. And if you need anything, you know where to find me.”

He picked up my keys and juggled them in his hand, seeming torn. I couldn’t believe, after what we had shared together and how decent he had been to me, I was taking out all of my anger and hostility on him. I wish I could take back what I said. I wish I could undo the hurt I knew I had inflicted.

But it was too late. And I felt whatever closeness we had established during the last twenty-four hours drifted away as though it had never been.

“I’ll leave your car at the apartment. Take care, Riley,” he had said before leaving me alone, and full of guilt.

After he was gone I was left with little time to obsess over Garrett and the state of our non-existent relationship.

The crazy whirlwind of planning the funeral and seeing to every detail was both a blessing and a curse. It helped me to focus on something. To keep my brain active. But it also left little room for my own grieving. And a part of me knew that suppressing it wasn’t good.

And that when it hit it would hit hard.

I had stayed with Mom until she practically kicked me out, telling me I had to get back to school. When I had protested and said she still needed me, she had played the biggest punk card of all.

“Your dad sacrificed a lot so you kids could have a college education. Don’t you dare step all over his memory like that. Now get your butt back to school and make him proud. Make us both proud,” she scolded me while she held back tears. I knew how hard it was for her to let me go. I hated to think of what the house would be like for her now that she would be living in it alone. But Gavin had practically moved back in since Dad’s passing. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. My brother seemed to be making my father’s death all about him, but for now, my mother seemed to enjoy his presence, so I didn’t say anything about it.

I went back to Rinard College, hoping to fall back into my routine. Too bad I felt like some asshole playacting through their life.

But throwing myself back into school and my internship felt like what I should be doing. I put on the impenetrable “Riley is fine” mask. I had always been focused and motivated. Now I was like Riley Walker Super Student on meth. I filled my days with homework and extra hours at work. I did whatever I had to do to feel like my life had purpose again, just as my dad wanted me to.

And that purpose left very little room for any sort of relationship drama. I didn’t have the time or the inclination to worry about whether my avoiding Garrett was hurting his feelings. Maybe it was insensitive and callous of me after the way he had supported me, but I just couldn’t summon the energy to care.

I knew Garrett was most likely hurt and confused. Part of me knew that he was waiting for me to recognize that the moments we had shared in Maryland hadn’t been a fluke of hormones and grief. That it had been the beginnings of something real.

But the truth was I was terrified of “real.” I wasn’t sure what we had together could be something permanent and if I couldn’t count on it I didn’t want to waste my time. And even though I had seen the layers that were just below the surface of Garrett, I knew that he was still a guy without a plan and I desperately needed something concrete. Something I could depend on.

And I was convinced that Garrett Bellows wasn’t that guy.

Plus, it wasn’t as though we had left things in a very good place. I had unloaded a serious verbal beating on him when all he had been trying to do was help me during a difficult time. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t call me. Even if I was a little bit disappointed.

I figured he was leaving the ball firmly in my court. Though if he was waiting for me to make a move and admit he was what I wanted, he’d be waiting a long time.

Crazy cat lady spinsterhood, here I come.

“Someone’s hoping to make employee of the month,” an overly perky voice said from behind me. I continued to wipe down my meticulously clean tables, ignoring the sudden invasion of slut in my section of the restaurant.

Jaz pulled out a chair and plopped her big ass right on down as though I had invited her. Which I sure as hell didn’t. She propped her feet up on the table and she watched me with a fake sympathetic smile on her lips that had I was dangerously close to knocking off.

I had low bullshit tolerance on a good day. So Jaz my-tits-are-too-small-so-I-overcompensate-by-being-a-complete-whore was in a perfect position to piss me off. It didn’t take much for her to irritate me and tonight was no exception.

Generation Rejects had been playing for the last hour and I was staunchly avoiding the guitarist who had tried to get my attention for most of the night. It was hard, particularly when said guitarist was looking entirely too yummy for his own good and the image of the two of us naked, together, was burned on my brain like an itchy sunburn.