Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Tags: #Juvenile Fiction, #Social Issues, #Drugs; Alcohol; Substance Abuse, #Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, #Dating & Sex
from Duvall, not exactly
the most reliable source.
But this time, it seems, he
was right. Conner fell off
a cliff, somewhere out
in the Black Rock Desert.
He was on a wilderness
challenge. Still not clear why.
Not like Conner couldn’t hack
a challenge course. But why
was he there? And did he fall
by accident? On purpose?
Hell, maybe someone pushed
him over. Some pretty rough
kids go on those challenges.
Rougher than Conner, who was
a total prep, if a jock prep.
Was. Hard to use the past tense
when talking about someone
you know. Someone your age.
Someone who could be you,
if things were a little different.
Aubree and I are going to
the wake. I didn’t want
to. Not like Conner and
I were tight or anything.
Plus, dead people give me
the creeps. Too many bad
memories. Ghosts, walking.
But Aubree says we have to.
It’s expected. Everyone will be
there. They’ll talk if we aren’t.
Not Going To Argue
Dad would expect me to go.
Conner and I were teammates,
if not friends. The team will
all be there, for sure. The least
you can do when a teammate
dies is go to his wake.
They’re having it at
the biggest funeral home
in Reno. Aubree was right.
Everyone is here, to judge
by the parking lot. “We have to
park on the street and walk.”
It’s a long few blocks, made
easier by sneaking peeks
at Aubree’s legs, mostly
exposed by the very short
skirt of her black dress.
Everyone is in black except
me. I wore navy blue, just
to shake things up. Oops.
Okay. Cara is not in black.
She’s in a dark red dress
that fits her like skin and
she is beautiful, even in
her obvious grief. Or maybe
because of it. She looks like
a child. Vulnerable. Easy
to hurt. Aubree notices who
I’m staring at. She elbows
me.
Kind of inappropriate.
Maybe. But I still want to
go to her, hold her, despite
her girlfriend (hair no longer
blue) standing so close
there can be no doubt that
they are an item. I turn away,
take Aubree’s hand, and we
go down a far aisle to find
two seats way in the back.
Who sits up front at a wake?
I Watch Who Goes Up Front
Conner’s family. His father,
who walks all bound up,
like if he lets himself sway
at all he might stumble and
fall. Conner’s mother, who
looks straight ahead, no
hint of expression on her
beautiful, sculpted face.
Cara, her own face a carbon
copy. Except hers is sorrow
streaked. Her girlfriend, who
scaffolds Cara. Kendra and
her mother. Shantell, with
some guy I’ve never seen
before. And just in front of
them, a young couple. Maybe
my age. Also strangers, but
apparently not strangers to
Conner. They hold tight to each
other, struggle not to fall apart.
Andre
Strangers
Death gives strangers
common ground
to walk on.
Encounter
obstacles on.
To fall
down and cry on until
it sponges their tears.
Muddied,
they struggle
to pick
themselves up,
clean off the dirt,
stitch their wounds,
and together fight,
no longer strangers,
to get on
with living.
I Never Knew
Conner Sykes or anyone in his family,
I’m only here because
Shantell didn’t want to come alone.
She brought me up front, close to Cara,
who I did meet that one
time. She seems different. Older, touched
by death. Sitting next to her mother, I can
see what she will
look like one day, when she is older still.
It’s an open casket. From here, the boy
inside appears to be
sleeping. Only his mostly colorless face
gives his lifelessness away. He is—was—
younger than I when
he left this earth. He will never marry.
Never have children. Never find his way
back from wherever
it was that he lost himself. He will never
live his dreams, whatever they were.
Did he have them? Lose
them? Can you lose sight of a dream
that you don’t have time to discover?
I think of Grandma Grace,
who will leave this planet soon. Did
she have dreams she never realized?
I will ask her when I go
visit her. I don’t want to see her sick,
but I have to tell her I love her. That
I will miss her. That she
helped make me what I am today.
A dancer. That’s what I am. Only a few
people know it
at this moment. But that’s going to change.
One Of Those People
Is sitting next to me right now. A year
ago, I wouldn’t have
given her a second glance. Wouldn’t have
gotten to know her because she isn’t a classic
beauty. Doesn’t have curves
like Jenna. Isn’t model thin like Kendra.
But she is pretty, and perfect in her own
way, because she knows
who she is and doesn’t pretend to be
anyone else. Doesn’t care who she pleases,
as long as she is good
with herself, and what else really matters?
Shantell has her eyes firmly on her dream.
Is reaching hard for it,
and encouraging me to reach for mine.
Tentatively, I slide my hand over hers.
The Vs between her fingers
notch into mine, and she squeezes.
The Service Starts
With recorded music. Pink singing “Amazing
Grace.” Beautiful and kind
of weird at the same time. Like the singer.
Shantell glances at me, and we share
a smile. She must be
reading my mind. The priest gets up and
spends much too long talking about God’s
plan and how to recognize
it in our own lives. And now the eulogies
begin. Conner’s football coach outlines
his many and varied
records, then laments about talent
the world will never see. Kendra stands,
tries desperately
to put her love for Conner into words.
She only manages a couple before they are
swallowed by sobs.
More than a few people join her in tears.
A half-dozen schoolmates of Conner’s
say how much they’ll
miss him. Finally the priest calls a young
couple to the front. They go forward,
hand in hand.
Hi,
says the auburn-haired girl.
I’m Vanessa.
You don’t know me, but I got to know
Conner in Aspen
Springs. I think Tony and I knew him
better than most of you. Conner was
good at hiding the
scared little boy inside….
At that,
Kendra’s crying becomes almost
hysterical. Her mom
does her best to console her as Vanessa
continues,
Conner couldn’t be what
everyone else wanted
him to be. So he chose the easy way out.
Cara
Death
Is
only
the
easy
way
out
if
you
are
the
one who dies.
At The Red-Haired Girl’s Words
Dad gives a little gasp. Mom barely
flinches. Now the dark-haired boy says,
I’m Tony. And Conner was my friend
.
Maybe the only friend I ever had, except
for one other person. Vanessa and I both