Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Tags: #Juvenile Fiction, #Social Issues, #Drugs; Alcohol; Substance Abuse, #Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, #Dating & Sex
well on your entrance exams.
Not really much more to say
except to let you know Cara
has already been accepted
at Stanford. You can do as well.
After all, you’re her twin. Mom.
No Pressure There, Mom
None at all. Why can’t she just be
glad he survived and let him live
the rest of his life on his own terms?
Can’t she see how much he wants
her approval? That 4.0 GPA never
did come easily to Conner. Sports,
yes. Schoolwork, no. But God
forbid he excel at one and not
the other. Mom still expects him to
start college on time and keep scoring
touchdowns, too? Perfection carries
a steep price tag, at least it has for
Conner. I hope he finds his way
out sooner rather than later. I’m
thrilled I’ve found mine, even if it has
its own consequences to worry about.
I’m struggling to take ownership
of this new person I call me. But
every day brings me closer. And
I’m glad I got to know her at all.
Who Knows Who I’d Be
If I hadn’t met Dani. Probably
still a Conner clone—striving too
hard to please someone who can’t
be satisfied. I’m blown away by
how fate intervened when it did.
Makes me wonder what else I have
to look forward to, once I’m out
from under my parents’ control.
My cell buzzes. Incoming text from
Private Number
. Who could that be?
Little teeth of suspicion gnaw at
my stomach. He wouldn’t dare.
It’s not from him. At least, I don’t
think so.
PLEASE STOP MESSING UP
SEAN’S LIFE. GRADUATION IS ONLY
A MONTH AWAY. THEN HE’S ALL SET
FOR STANFORD. DROP CHARGES AND
HE WON’T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.
Whoever it was wrote the one
word I didn’t want to see: Stanford.
Kendra
I Didn’t Want To See
The truth of things. That you
never embraced me the same
way that I embraced
you.
That when we lay laced
together, satin yarn and leather
cord, it was you who untied
the knots. That when you
told
bedtime stories of love
come unraveled, you were
always warning
me
of impending unraveling.
That the promises you wove
into the fabric of us
were nothing more than
lies.
Are All Relationships
Destined to unravel? I hear stories about
people who have been married for fifty or sixty
years. But I’ve never met any. And if they
do exist, what are they made of? The cliché
answer is friendship. If that’s accurate,
Mom and Patrick just might last a while.
But Dad and Shiloh will come unwoven
eventually. Jenna and Andre already have.
That makes me a little sad, although if
I am honest, I have to admit I was a lot jealous.
Not because of his car or his house or
his money, but because he really loved her.
He called me the day after they broke up.
I don’t know how much influence
you have on your sister, but she needs help.
She drinks every day. Not just a little.
She doesn’t think she has a problem, but
she does. And she won’t listen to me.
He said that isn’t why he had to stop
seeing her. And I believe that. You can’t
stay with someone you love when they
don’t care enough about you. Jenna doesn’t
care much about anything. Not even
herself. And I really don’t get that. On
the surface, she is pure confidence.
What is she hiding? What is she trying to
prove? What is she trying to forget?
How can I ask her any of those questions?
She’d probably ask me the same
questions. And I don’t have any answers.
The Only Person
Who has asked them is Shiloh. Like she
has any right to. Like she really gives a damn.
Today we are shopping for bridesmaid
dresses. Jenna is supposed to be here too.
Guess something better came up.
It’s okay,
says Shiloh.
We can choose the dress,
then find one in the right size for Jenna.
I was thinking burgundy. What do think?
I shrug. “Kind of dark for afternoon,
especially in June. What about teal?”
Nothing like flipping her entire color
scheme. But hey, she asked my opinion.
Hmm. Not big on teal. But you’re right
about burgundy being dark. Maybe …
black?
She laughs.
Just kidding. Unless
you think it would work. Let’s look around.
The first one that we both agree on
is a strapless sheath in a floral design.
“
Très
tropical,” I say. “Not even close
to burgundy, though.” I pull a size two.
Shiloh raises an eyebrow, but keeps
her opinion to herself. Until I come out
of the dressing room.
Come over here
to the mirror. Tell me what you see.
“Uh … the dress is a little big
in the bust, but the ruche helps that,
and length is good….” It falls just
above my knee, with a slit up the back.
She puts one hand on each of my
shoulders.
Tell me about the girl
inside the dress. What does she look
like? How do you think I see her?
Ambushed
And just when I thought it was going
so well. “Don’t tell me. She’s too thin.
You might even call her ‘emaciated.’
Obviously, she has an eating disorder.
Auschwitz survivors look better
than her. What’s wrong with her? Right?”
Shiloh rubs my shoulders, and that feels
good. She drops her voice very low.
Not
exactly. I see a girl who wants to present
someone special to the world. Someone
beautiful. The pinnacle of beauty. But
she has lost her hold on reality. Real
beauty isn’t thin. It isn’t size two, unless
you happen to be four foot ten. What
the world sees when they look at you
is someone who believes self-worth
is all about how she looks, and that
very often means what she’s missing
is love. Not someone else’s love. But
love and respect for herself. Why
don’t you love yourself, Kendra? You
should. You are perfect, just as you are.
“Shut up! What are you, a psychologist?
I don’t need
you
to analyze me! Anyway,
you
aren’t exactly all innocent and
everything. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.”
Which isn’t totally true, but it does
shut her up for a minute or two. Her head
tilts sideways as if she can’t comprehend
English.
I’m sorry. What do you mean?
“I mean you took Dad away from Jenna
and me. Have a thing for married men?”
Her Hands Fall Away
From my shoulders. How can I want
those hands back? The girl in the mirror
looks drawn. Gaunt. Outside and in.
Shiloh’s right about what the world must see
when it looks at me.
Oh, Kendra. I didn’t
take him away. Please, understand
that. I didn’t even know he was married
until after your mom walked out, and
she had every right to. By then, I was in
love with him. Believed I could save him.
I still believe that. But salvation will come
easier if you and Jenna can find the strength
to forgive him. He never meant to hurt you.
You girls mean everything to him.