Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Tags: #Juvenile Fiction, #Social Issues, #Drugs; Alcohol; Substance Abuse, #Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, #Dating & Sex
Wait up. Are you going out?
(Well, duh.)
Were you going to let anyone know?
Obviously not. “Sorry. Just don’t want
to be late. I’m headed out to a movie.”
Alone? What time will you be home?
It’s generally polite to ask first, you know.
“Um, Patrick. Is something going
on?” Not like he very often takes
an interest in what I’m up to. “Because
if everything’s okay, I really need to go.”
He comes closer, studies my eyes
as if he needs to find something there.
Okay, look. I’m just going to ask.
straight out. Have you been in our
medicine cabinet? Your mother is
missing some of her prescription pills.
I could get snotty, but what good
would that do? I won’t even mention
that I know they’re Xanax, and that
he was the one who did the prescribing.
“Not me,” I say, and that’s the whole
truth. “If I were you, I’d talk to Jenna.”
He Is Not The Type
To confront, or want to play parent.
Still, he has more to say, if he can
just figure out how to say it.
I will
definitely be talking to your sister.
I also think it’s time to call a family
meeting. Things seem to be spinning
out of control, in totally the wrong
direction. Prescriptions disappearing,
kids who take off without telling their
parents where they’re going or when
they’ll be back. And then, there’s you.
He tries to stop himself, but
he’s on a roll.
Have you eaten anything
today? I’m worried about you.…
“Oh my God. Not you, too. I eat
plenty! Worry about Jenna. I’m fine!”
Anger sizzles at the base of my skull.
I try for the front door, but Patrick
stops me with a hand on my forearm.
You haven’t answered my question.
Have you had anything to eat today?
I will do an intervention if I must.
Don’t blow it. Don’t blow it. Lower
the blood pressure before you speak.
“I had some oatmeal.” It’s a flat-
out lie, but he seems to believe it.
Wants to believe it.
Okay, then. But
you really should have some protein.
“I will.” Another lie. “And I promise
to eat all my veggies, too. May I go now?”
He smiles.
I guess so. But I meant it about
the family meeting. Over dinner. Tonight.
I Say Fine
And he lets me out the door. I hurry
to my car before he changes his mind.
My hands shake against the steering
wheel, from lingering anger and also
because Patrick happened to be
right. I haven’t eaten anything today.
I reach into the glove box. Grab
a diet protein bar, take two bites. Three.
Half the bar should satisfy my
stomach growl and keep me thinking
straight. I put the rest in my pocket
to nosh on while everyone else is eating
Skittles and sucking on Slurpees.
By the time I reach the theater, the shakes
have stopped too. I park. Buy a ticket.
Go inside to wait for Sean, feeling great.
Unbelievably
In through the door walks Conner,
surrounded by a group of people
I’ve never seen before. He’s with
a kind of cute guy, a rude-looking girl,
a twentysomething woman, and one
who is older than that, all dressed up in
business-type clothes. They head
straight for the bathrooms. Conner, who
hasn’t seen me, waits outside the doors
for the rest of them. My heart tumbles
into my mostly empty stomach. I have
to say something. Like what? That I hate
him for what he did? That I still
love him, and always will? Oh God.
I go over, wanting to touch him, but
afraid if I do he’ll disappear. And out of
my mouth spills, “Hey, Conner.
I heard you tried to die. That right?”
Hello, Kendra.
He turns on one heel
to face me. Stiff as a fresh corpse—
and why did I have to think that?
Guess
I did. Next time I’ll have to
try harder.
I can feel my face turn white.
“Don’t say that! Believe it or not,
a few people care about you.
One or two of us even love you.”
His eyes cloud with… disbelief?
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.
“There’s Sean. Gotta go. Hope to see
you again soon, Conner. Give me a call,
if you want to. I’m a good listener.”
I turn my back as he joins his friends.
Sean
Back Turned
You
don’t have to look at
what you’ve left behind.
And the person who first
turned their back on you
can’t
watch you break down
and cry. Never allow
an enemy to
see
weakness in you.
Go for the throat.
Shoot for the groin.
Don’t let your loss
yesterday
redefine who you are.
Fight the good fight.
Today is your day to win.
Fighting Depression
Is hard when you have no
real reason to fight it. Why
pretend everything is fine
when everything pretty
much sucks? Two weeks
since the blowup with Cara,
you’d think I’d accept it.
Move on. But all I do when
I’m alone is think about
the good times with her.
I’ve tried to talk to her. Tried
to figure out exactly when
everything went to hell. It
wasn’t the night we had sex.
It started before. I can see
that now. But what started
it? The more I try to figure
that out, the more frustrated
I become. I work out, to keep
my frustration in check.
But once I’m done, anger
beaten down by reps upon
reps, I am muscle sore
and heart-emptied. I have
no one to talk to about it.
Okay, I did a fair amount
of screaming on Facebook.
Heat of the moment is all.
What good did it do, except
to make me feel validated
for a little while? One thing
I learned. Cara’s so-called
friends aren’t really friends
at all. The only one who
had nothing awful to say
about her was Kendra. Not
that she exactly stood up
for her, but at least she
didn’t trash her. I’ve got
to respect her for that.
Her Call Surprised Me
But, hey, I was just sitting
here, alone in the vacuum
that is my room. Getting
out for a while sounds
good. Anyway, Kendra
is pretty cute, if a little on
the skinny side. Going to
the movies with her, no
strings attached, might
Band-Aid my injured ego.
And maybe word will get
back to Cara. Wouldn’t
that be fun? She
would
be upset, wouldn’t she?
’Cause if I found out she’s
been seeing some guy behind
my back, I would have to take
matters into my own hands.
And it definitely wouldn’t be
pretty for that guy. Or for her.
I Get To The Theater
A few minutes after two.
Through the big glass
doors, I can see Kendra,
talking to some guy.…