Perchance (27 page)

             
I heard muffling like she had put her hand over the phone but I could still hear her.

             
“Cooper look at me.  Sitting here is not going to bring her back. Go home.”

             
He must’ve left because she came back on the phone.

             
“What did your Mom say Rem?”

             
“She’s not here.  Scout and Sable were with a babysitter. Sable said she’s on a date.”

             
“I miss you already. I gotta go Remi.”

             
“Ok, bye.”

             
I had talked myself into thinking that when I went back to the house she would still be there.  But the driveway was empty save for her aunt’s car.

             
I knocked on the door and asked her aunt to call her cell phone to see where she was and if she was all right.  But she had left it in the kitchen, on purpose or not we didn’t know. So I sat on the porch and waited.  Her aunt invited me to sit inside but this porch was where I wanted to be. 

             
She called about one in the morning and Brenda, she told me to call her, told me to go home after we found out she was ok. 

             
I walked home to that hell hole of an apartment and passed out cold.

             
I skipped school the next day and no one dared say a word to me about it.  My grades were good and I didn’t miss any tests so I didn’t care.

             
I called my Mom after I thought she had woken up.  We talked for two hours and she said she wanted me to come home.  But I couldn’t.  I had to stay right here. I would be here when she decided to come back to me.  One day she would.

             
But then I sat up straight in the chair, her chair
,
and came to a decision.  When she did come back I didn’t want to be lazed around doing nothing while she was going out to make herself even more amazing.  No…I was going to be ready for her.

             
The next day I signed up for an SAT prep class that met every day after school.  I didn’t have anything else to do so I was going to bust my ace getting the best score that I could.  Eric and I went to one of those huge chain bookstores and bought four SAT prep books so I could study.  I applied for early admission to BRCC and was going to start two weeks after graduation.  I had signed up for an accelerated plan so that I could get two years worth of work done in one year and two summers. 

             
Mom came home that next day and apparently was not happy about me being home. 

             
I told her that I would work and pay rent and so she agreed to let me stay.
Her entire demeanor had changed and she was not the Mom I remembered.
I went to the local school board and got the instructions and study materials to get my GED.  It didn’t look too hard and there was a testing
opening that Saturday so I signed up and paid my money.

             
I looked into the local community colleges and the one closest to my Mom’s house started in three weeks.  I signed up for financial aid and my Mom remarked that I could sell ‘that guy’s’ car and make seventy five grand easy.  But that car was priceless and I would never ever consider selling it. I didn’t tell her that it was my lifeline to him. It was like an artery to me and if it was cut from me I would bleed out.

             
That Saturday I took my GED test and I thought I surely passed it.  The community college accepted me with the stipulation that I passed my GED test. 

             
I spent my days keeping busy looking for work
and my nights thinking about
Cooper.  I was sure he had moved on even though Aunt Brenda said he hadn’t.  I called Edith once a week and she let me cry to her about him and told me everything he would say about me.

             
I spent my nights
sleeping in one of his shirts and wrapped up in the comforter I had bought for him for Christmas.

             
I was sitting at the table in the cafeteria reading my latest English assignment.  It was
a book of poetry
Pablo Neruda and it was not helping my heart at all.  Remi’s aunt probably knew that and did it to me on purpose.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.
What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

             
A shrill voice brought me out of my poetry induced loathing.

             
The table jerked a little when she sat on the other side of me.

             
“So, Coooooooper. I was wondering what your plans were for prom.”

             
“My plan is to not go.”

             
Troy and Josie were sitting at the table with me and they snickered. They had been sitting with me since she left.  We didn’t talk about her and if we did it was like they were afraid to say her name so they said her or she.  It was weird.

             
“What a waste. I think we could have a lot of fun together now that Jemi is gone.”

             
I removed her hand from my thigh
and huffed a breath out through my teeth.

             
“Look, just because Remi is gone doesn’t mean there’s an opening. Got it?”

             
“Well, the offer still stands if you change your mind.”

             
She got up and left and the three of us laughed about it.  As if I could even imagine dating someone else.  It was simply out of the question.

             
I got a 1720 on my SAT and was told by the college counselor that it was an excellent score and it made me eligible to skip all of the pre-testing that colleges usually did. 

             
We graduated in three weeks. 
I spent pro
m night at Gram’s apartment
looking at pictures of Remi and letting her entertain me.  I started BRCC in six weeks and I was ready.  But I felt more alone than ever moving into a new stage in my life without my Pistol.

             
College, even this tiny community college, was different than high school.  Teachers didn’t tell you what to do every day.  You just got handed a syllabus and that’s it.  I could handle it, no problem.  But it was just different.  I also worked a full time job to pay my Mom rent and handle gas and other expenses.  That made it really tough.

             
Mom was dating this guy named Ronald.  He had a moustache that creeped me out.  But the twins liked him and I guess he was treating my mom well.  I had heard him tell her that once they got ma
rried, she could stop working.  Isn’t that the kind of thing she always warned me about?  I heard it again over dinner one night and asked her about it later after he had left.

             
“Mom, you always told me not to rely on men.  That they get what they want and then leave.  But that’s what you’re doing.”

             
She put her hand on her hip and waved her hand in the air.

             
“Oh Remi, don’t be silly honey.  I just didn’t want you to get knocked up in high school.  I can’t believe you took those things so seriously.  Good grief girl, lighten up.”

             
“You’ve got to be kidding me! How could you say those things to me and not mean them?”

             
“Good grief girl, you’re so dramatic.  Don’t be stupid.”

             
I thought about it all night through the dawn of the next morning.  As the sun rose I laughed in realization of how dumb I was and what I had thrown away.  It was a mix between unbelief and mental instability.

             
How could she do that? Things she whispered in my ear as a child and drilled into me as a teenager that I had based almost my entire life on was just as important as a wave of the hand to her?  How could I have been so stupid? I had left him because of some neon lighted sign philosophy that she had spouted to me with no regard other than I not get pregnant.

             
The decision that I made at that moment crawled through my body like electricity.  I knew what needed to be done and I had a little under three weeks to do it.

             
That day I gave my boss my two week notice.  I had two  and a half weeks until finals.  This community college had six week semesters so I already almost had one under my belt.  After finals I could get there in time.  I could get there just in time.

             
Everyone told me that she wasn’t every going to come back. But I didn’t believe them.  I couldn’t.  They had no idea what they were talking about.  I knew that once she did what she needed to do.  However long that took, she was going to come back to me.  I loved her too much to think otherwise. 

             
I had somehow managed to get straight A’s this semester.  My GPA combined with my SAT score had qualified me for several grants.   I bought my cap and gown and skipped the ring because I had a general aversion to rings since last Christmas day.  I studied long and hard for those finals to make sure my grades stayed up. 

             
Today was my last final before graduation and I sat down at the desk armed and ready to give it hell.  And I did.

             
Troy gave me a ride home.  He had gotten a truck for his birthday and had been chauffeuring me around when I needed it.  He still called me stupid for giving Remi my car.  But I think it was one of the smartest things I had ever done. 
That way she had a way to get to me again.

             
I walked up the stairs to my apartment and Dad, now I called him Dad, told me that some girl called and wanted to know what time I would be home. 

             
“Who was it?” I asked.

             
“I don’t know.  She didn’t say her name. Just asked when you’d be home.”

             
I shrugged my shoulders.  I didn’t really care who it was if it wasn’t her.

             
I got up to my door , opened it and stepped in. 

             
I still remembered everything about her each time I walked in, but now it was something I cherished instead of loathed.
I shook off my backpack and let it fall on her chair.  I went to take my shoes off and noticed something sitting on my bed.

             
I walked over to it and
it was my iPod.  I looked around frantically and opened the door and peered out of the windows.   I knew t
hat I had packed this in her box.  I knew I had. When I turned it on it was set to play ‘Beth’ by KISS.  There was only one person in the world who knew that it was one of my favorite songs.  And only person that I had played it for.