Patrick's Destiny (14 page)

“Okay, then,” he said.

“But I will need to get back to my place tonight,” she told him.

Immediately he tensed. “Why?”

“I have school tomorrow. There’s no way I can put that off, and I can’t very well wear the same thing I had on on Friday.”

As reasonable as the explanation was, it made his stomach tighten. He was the one who wanted things to
be temporary, but hearing her making plans to take off upset him in ways he couldn’t explain.

“Patrick?”

“What?”

“You do know I can’t just stay here forever, right? It’s not as if we’ve sailed away to some idyllic island. We both have responsibilities.”

There was that word again—
forever.
He seized on it and nothing else. Over the past couple of days, the word and its implications had lost some of their power to terrify him. “Of course I know that.”

“You could come to my place,” she suggested casually. “It would make it easier during the week. That is, if you wanted to.”

“I don’t know,” he said, the cautious words coming out before he could consider them. It was an automatic, knee-jerk response. His turf was one thing, hers was something else. He thought of that cozy little cottage, and it made his palms sweat. Being there had made him want things that he’d learned couldn’t be trusted—a home, a family.

“Think about it,” she said. “And school will be out soon. I could stay here then, if you’d prefer it. I could even go out fishing with you.”

A part of him liked the idea of sharing his life with her that way. Another part was terrified. All this talk about tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and beyond was treading on turf he normally avoided like the plague. He didn’t do plans. He didn’t look into the future. Forever might not be as frightening as it had once been, but it was still off-limits. He wasn’t ready to toss all of his rules and common sense out the window, just because the mere thought of them no longer panicked him.

“Let me know when you’re ready to go and I’ll take you home,” he said tightly, ignoring all of her bright and cheerful plans for the summer.

There was no mistaking the quick rise of hurt in Alice’s eyes. That, of course, was the problem. He was going to hurt her eventually. There was no question about it. He’d been deluding himself when he’d tried to pretend that they could take things one day at a time. Alice was a forever woman. She had every right to expect permanence and commitment, but he didn’t believe in either one.

“Whenever you want me to go, just say the word,” she said stiffly.

“I don’t
want
you to go,” he retorted, more exasperated with himself than with her. He was the one who wasn’t making any sense. “I just think it’s for the best.”

“Because you’re scared,” she guessed.

“Because I’m smart,” he corrected.

“And if I disagree about what’s smart?”

“You’re entitled to your opinion.”

She stood up in that oversize T-shirt of his that skimmed her thighs and managed to emphasize her curves. He expected her to flounce from the room, but instead she rounded the table to sit in his lap. She draped an arm loosely around his neck and skimmed a finger along his stubbled cheek.

“It is my opinion,” she said, “that we’re doing entirely too much talking all of a sudden. It always gets us into trouble. You get that worried frown on your forehead.” She pressed a kiss to the place in question. “And lines right here,” she added, kissing the down-turned corners of his mouth.

“We can’t go through life making love whenever we
butt heads,” he said, trying to maintain his grip on reason even as she tried to torment him with sneaky little kisses.

“Can you think of a better way to remind ourselves of what’s really important?” She looked him in the eye. “I love you, Patrick. All the rest of it—” she waved her hand dismissively “—we’ll work it out.”

“Alice,” he began, but the protest died on his lips when she covered his mouth with hers.

He sighed and gave himself up to the desire instantly slamming through him. Maybe she did know what was important, after all. He could wrestle with his doubts when she wasn’t around to torment him.

“This thing between you and Alice, is it serious?” Molly asked Patrick several days after Alice had gone back to her place.

He frowned at the question. “What thing?” he asked, being deliberately obtuse. This was not a conversation he intended to pursue, not with Molly. He thought he’d made that clear to her.

Molly scowled at him. “Oh, please. Half the town knows the two of you never left your boat all weekend. Only an idiot would assume she was helping you work on the engine or clean the galley for that long.”

Patrick bit back a curse. He’d forgotten what small towns were like when people got hold of a juicy piece of gossip. He didn’t give a damn for himself, but it couldn’t be good for Alice to have people talking about the two of them. Maybe if he’d put an engagement ring on her finger, it would dispel the talk, but that was out of the question.

“Sweetheart, you know nothing I do is ever serious,” he told Molly, adopting his devil-may-care tone of old.

Her gaze narrowed. “Does Alice understand that?”

“Of course,” he said at once.

“Does she
really?
” Molly persisted. “Because if you hurt her, Patrick Devaney, I swear I’ll come out on that pitiful dock of yours and set fire to it
and
your boat.”

She would do it, too. He didn’t have any doubts about that. Molly had a mile-wide protective streak when it came to her friends, and a built-in aversion to the way Devaney men treated women. He’d always been glad to count himself among the friends, despite his last name. Obviously, though, she considered Alice to be the friend most in need of protection now…from him.

“Look, I’ll talk to her, okay? I’ll make sure we’re both on the same page,” he said. He recalled how the last time he’d tried to have that conversation with Alice it hadn’t gone so well. She’d seemed to hear only what she wanted to hear, dismissing everything else.

“When?” Molly pressed.

“Tonight,” he promised.

“What’s wrong with now?”

“She’s at school.”

Molly clearly wasn’t satisfied with his response. Hands on hips, she asked, “Why put it off, Patrick? The kids are only there a half day today. The teachers are all alone in their classrooms grading papers and stuff in the afternoon. Knowing Alice, she had all that done days ago and is sitting there bored to tears and staring at the walls.”

“Molly, you can’t actually expect me to have a conversation like this with her in her classroom. It’s totally inappropriate,” he said. Besides, if he kept showing up in Alice’s classroom, that was going to set off its own round of speculation. He’d run into Loretta Dowd on
his last visit, and she’d given him an approving grin that had completely rattled him.

“It’s not an ideal situation, no, but if you put it off, you’ll just think of some other excuse. I know you, Patrick. You’d rather run than stick around and settle things. Isn’t that what you did with your folks?”

“Leave my folks out of this,” he retorted heatedly. “I’ll talk to Alice. I’ll spell things out for her one more time, but I’ll decide when and where. This is none of your business.”

“I’m making it my business. I like her, Patrick. And she’s in way over her head with you. She’s in love with you.”

He wanted to deny that, but the echo of Alice saying those very words had rung in his head all week long. The words had meant more to him than he wanted to admit, but he wasn’t about to let Molly know that.

“So what if she is?” he asked, his tone cavalier.

Molly scowled at him. “Do you honestly need me to answer that?”

Patrick sighed. “No. I’ll talk to her.”

There was just one problem…once he talked to Alice, really talked to her, things might never be the same. And for the first time in his life he didn’t want to lose the feelings he’d discovered in her arms, feelings he’d never imagined himself capable of.

E
ven if she hadn’t been taken aback earlier in the day when Patrick had sent a written summons to her classroom, Alice would have known something was wrong the minute she stepped aboard the
Katie G.

Patrick was waiting for her on the deck, a brooding expression on his face and a beer in his hand. He didn’t look especially happy to see her. The fact that he’d been avoiding her most of the week only added to her alarm.

She hesitated when he said nothing, then finally sat down next to him and put her feet up on the railing. The afternoon sun was warm on her face, but the breeze held a promising hint of rain. There would be a storm before nightfall, no question about it. And she had a feeling there would be one on board between her and Patrick even sooner.

She finally dared a glance in his direction. “Is everything okay, Patrick? Have you heard something from
your brothers in Boston? Or from Daniel or your folks?”

“No, it’s nothing like that.”

“What then?”

“We need to talk.”

Something inside her froze at the tone in his voice. Those words never meant anything good. “About?”

“Us.”

She’d been anticipating this for days now. In some ways she was surprised it had been so long in coming. As much as she’d wanted to pretend that Molly’s warning was misplaced, she hadn’t been able to forget it. Patrick intended to dump her before things got complicated, or, rather, any
more
complicated. She’d told him she loved him and that had been the kiss of death. It would be with a lot of men, but especially with a man who had the kind of trust issues Patrick had. And he was too damned noble to let her go on loving him when he was convinced he could never love her back.

Her pride immediately kicked in. She had no intention of being the one dumped. She looked him straight in the eye. “Okay. Are you going to start or shall I?”

He stared at her in surprise, as if it had never occurred to him that she might have an opinion on that subject. “You, by all means,” he said politely.

“You’re going to say that what’s been going on between us has gotten out of hand, that I might be misinterpreting what it means, and that you never intended for it to get serious.” She met his gaze. “How am I doing so far?”

He scowled at her. “Am I that predictable?”

“You are when it comes to relationships. When they get too difficult, you run. I suspect you never even allow most relationships to get to that point.”

“Dammit, you’re the second person today to say something like that to me. I’m getting sick of it.”

“You heard it first from Molly, I imagine,” she said, trying not to be angry at a friend who only thought she was looking out for Alice’s best interests by pushing Patrick to be honest with her. “I also suspect she’s the one who told you that you needed to spell things out for me for my sake.”

“She thinks I’ll hurt you,” he said defensively.

“What do you think?”

He met her gaze, his expression miserable. “That she’s probably right, eventually I will hurt you, Alice. It’s what I do.”

“You could stop the pattern. All you have to do is quit running,” she countered.

“Simple as that?” he said, his expression wry.

“Why not? I’ve never hurt you or given you any reason to distrust me. That was your parents. And from what you’ve said, you never really gave them a chance to explain why they did what they did to your older brothers or why they kept it from you and Daniel. You had one conversation that caught them completely off guard, then turned your back on them—and on your brother, who’s as much a victim in this situation as you are—and ran.”

Alice met his turbulent gaze. “Believe me, Patrick, I know all about running. I did the same thing. I shut my parents out of my life because of one hurtful argument. I made one more halfhearted attempt to reconcile by sending them that invitation to my graduation, and then I wrote them off. Before I realized how ridiculous that was, what a waste, it was too late. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“So am I.” She regarded him with a penetrating look. “Let me ask you something. Has being alone made you happy? Or has it only made you feel safe?” She held up her hand when he seemed about to speak. “Don’t answer me now. I want you to think long and hard about that when I’m gone. I knew the risks when I got involved with you. I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt more alive lately than I have in years. In my opinion, that’s a helluva lot better than safe and alone. You can protect your heart, Patrick. Or you can live. I protected myself once and it cost me everything. Never again. I’m going to live my life as if there’s no tomorrow.”

She stood up, leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to the grim line of his mouth, then walked away before the tears that were threatening could fall.

Patrick stared after Alice and cursed himself for letting her walk away yet again. She’d caught him completely off guard when she’d taken the decision to call it quits out of his hands. She did that a lot—in fact, she had a way of taking him by surprise that should have made him nuts. Instead it filled him with anticipation. It also made him ashamed that he wasn’t nearly as brave as she was. Not only was she brave enough to go, but she’d been brave enough to take a risk on staying if only he’d met her halfway.

But no more. She’d left no doubt in his mind that she was finished. She’d seen the handwriting on the wall, handwriting he’d scrawled there in big, bold, unmistakable letters, and had wisely decided to cut her losses.

He should be dancing for joy at being free of a commitment he’d been incapable of making in the first place. Instead all he felt was the sense that he’d lost
something precious, something he’d never be able to replace.

He would have gone to Jess’s and gotten blind, stinking drunk, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to listen to any more of Molly’s comments on his love life. He sure as hell didn’t want to argue with her over whether or not what had happened was for the best. Of course it was. But he didn’t have to like it.

He should take his boat out to sea and let the demands of fishing tax his muscles and clear his head, but the prospect held no appeal.

Ironically, he had a sudden urge to call Daniel. His twin had always been able to put things into perspective for him when it came to women. Not that Daniel had much wisdom in that area of his own life—the mess he’d made of things with Molly was testament to that. But when it came to Patrick, Daniel had always seen things more clearly.

Patrick almost reached for the phone, then caught himself. He could make that call only if he was willing to take everything that went along with it. He would have to reconcile with his brother, and that would be only one step away from letting his folks back into his life. He almost did it anyway, but the weight of all that old baggage kept his hand off the phone.

For the first time since he’d moved away, Patrick felt unbearably lonely. He’d been alone before and never minded it. Today, though, it made his heart ache. With Alice he’d had a taste of something incredible. He could call it companionship or sex and demean it, but he was honest enough not to do that. What he’d shared with her had been love in its purest, most incredible form, and he’d let it slip through his fingers.

“Hey, Patrick. You look as if you’ve lost your best
friend,” Ray Stover said, calling out to him from the end of the dock.

Grateful for the interruption, Patrick waved the older man on board. “What brings you by, Ray?”

“I wanted to thank you again for coming to my rescue.” He handed over a package wrapped in bright-yellow paper and tied with string. “A little something from Janey. Judging from the shape of it, it’s probably one of the sweaters she knits when I’m not around. The truth is, they’re usually too big and she tends to drop a lot of stitches, so I won’t be offended if you hang it on the back of the door and forget about it.”

Patrick laughed as he untied the bow around the package and opened it to find a dark-green sweater that was every bit as large and unevenly made as Ray had predicted. “Nice color,” he said, seizing on the one thing Janey had gotten exactly right.

Ray grinned. “That’s very diplomatic, Patrick. I’ll tell her you love the color and she’ll be pleased as punch.”

“Is that the only reason you came by, to deliver Janey’s thank-you gift?”

Ray looked sheepish. “To tell you the truth, I’m going stir-crazy around the house. Janey’s already lost her enthusiasm for having me underfoot—she says I disrupt her routine. I thought I might take you up on that invitation to go out fishing—that is, if you’re heading out this afternoon.”

“I was just debating whether to try to get in a couple of hours before nightfall,” Patrick said. “I’d be glad of the company.”

Ray leaped to his feet with an agility that belied his years and began untying the boat from its moorings.
Patrick moved more slowly, amused by the man’s enthusiasm.

“Something tells me you’re going to be looking around to buy a new boat one of these days,” he told Ray.

“Not as long as you’ll let me help you out from time to time. I’m retired for good. That’s the way it has to be,” Ray said, not sounding as unhappy about it as he had when the decision had first been taken out of his hands.

“Is that because it’s what your wife wants?”

“No, it’s because it’s what’s right for the two of us. That’s what marriage is about, son, making compromises for the good of both of you.”

“Don’t you both wind up losing that way?”

“Only if that’s the way you choose to see it,” Ray told him.

“Is there another way?” Patrick asked, genuinely curious.

“You can see it as both of you giving up a little bit for the good of what you have together. Then you both come out winners—though, to be honest, as soon as you start thinking in terms of winners and losers you’re in trouble.” He gave Patrick a speculative look. “Is that what was on your mind when I got here a bit ago? You and that pretty young teacher at odds over something?”

“In a way.”

“Is what she wants unreasonable?”

Patrick wasn’t sure how to answer. She wanted him to love her enough to forget about the past. She wanted him to trust in their love. The requests weren’t unreasonable. Maybe just a little unrealistic, given where he was coming from.

“No,” he told Ray eventually.

“Do you want to lose her? Is clinging to your position more important than keeping her in your life?”

“No,” he said more quickly.

Ray grinned. “Well, then, I think you have your answer.”

Patrick sighed. He had an answer, all right. He just had no idea at all about how to put it into practice. How could he compromise a little bit when it came to letting go of the past? There was no way to open the door just a crack to his parents and Daniel. It had to be all or nothing.

The same with acting on his feelings for Alice. If he went back to her, he had to be prepared to love her with all his heart. He had to allow himself to be vulnerable to her. He couldn’t protectively close himself off to his feelings without shortchanging both of them.

But one thing was certain, he didn’t want to go on like this. He’d had a taste of what a full life could be, and anything else was unacceptable.

Alice was attacking the weeds in her garden when she heard the doorbell ring. She stayed right where she was. There was no one she wanted to see. There hadn’t been anyone she wanted to see for days now. She grabbed another handful of weeds and tugged viciously, then flung them over her shoulder.

“What was that for?” Molly demanded irritably.

Alice sighed and turned around, only to see her friend wiping traces of dirt and weeds from her face and the front of her blouse.

“Sorry,” Alice said without any real sincerity in her tone. She was almost as furious with Molly these days as she was with Patrick. She knew that Molly was behind that little talk Patrick had insisted they needed to
have. Even though Alice had gotten in the first word, the handwriting had been on the wall from the instant she stepped aboard his boat. Molly might have meddled out of affection for both of them, but she’d set off a chain reaction that had been as painful as anything that might have come down the road.

“Yeah, I can tell how sorry you are,” Molly replied.

“What do you expect from me?”

“Why don’t we start with an explanation of where you’ve been lately?”

“At school, working here in the garden, around town.”

“Just not at Jess’s,” Molly concluded.

“Pretty much.”

“Avoiding me or avoiding Patrick?”

“Both.”

“Why?”

“As if you don’t know,” Alice accused.

“I don’t,” Molly said. “Patrick’s been making himself scarce, too.”

“Then go chase him down and try all your questions on him. Maybe he’ll be more receptive to them than I am.”

Molly answered by sitting down on a chaise longue and stretching out. She looked as if she had no intention of leaving anytime soon. Removing her sunglasses, she turned her face up to the sun. “Nice day, isn’t it?”

Alice rocked back on her heels and sighed. “You’re not going to go away, are you?”

“Not until I get the answers I came for.”

“Okay, here it is in a nutshell. Patrick called me over to break up with me. I broke up with him first. You were right. It wasn’t going to work. You got us both to face that fact. Happy?”

“No, I am not happy,” Molly said, her own expression glum. “How could I be, when you’re so obviously miserable?”

“I’m not miserable,” Alice retorted heatedly. “I’m furious.”

“With Patrick?”

“And with you. You were so sure we couldn’t make it work. I know you were bugging him to be straight with me because you care about me, but all you did was to back him into making a decision before any decision needed to be made.”

Molly looked her in the eye. “How long were you willing to wait?”

“As long as it took,” Alice insisted.

“Really? Then you don’t care about having children? You were willing to put your whole life on hold while he wrestles with all those demons on his back?”