Pastures New (16 page)

The leaflet had an out-of-focus picture of Linda swinging round a pole in a position that looked positively dangerous, against a dark pink background that was evidently meant to be erotic.

The first was certainly true, and who knows, before long the second might be too. Despite herself, Saffron read on. Apparently pole dancing was growing faster than any dance craze in the country. And far from it being, as Saffron had hitherto imagined, an activity indulged in by exotic dancers in seedy pubs on Sunday lunchtimes, pole dancing had apparently gone mainstream. Perhaps she should give it a go. It would probably be a laugh. She might lose some weight. And she might even rediscover her lost libido. It couldn’t do any harm to try.

Amy dropped Josh’s book bag by the front door and sighed. The walk home had been longer than usual.
Josh hadn’t stopped crying, and no amount of mollifying seemed to help. He still hadn’t given a reason for his actions, and Amy felt there was no point pressing it. Whatever it was that had tripped his wire would probably come out eventually. She hoped. As soon as Josh had come through the door he had run upstairs and hidden in his bedroom.

Amy made a cup of tea and decided to leave him for five minutes. Perhaps he would come down in his own good time.

Once five minutes had elapsed there was still no sign of Josh, so she went up to his room and found him sobbing into his pillow.

‘Sweetheart,’ she said, feeling more helpless than at any other point since Jamie’s death, ‘whatever’s the matter? Did you think Mummy was going to be cross about you running away?’

The sobs carried on, and Amy sat down and put her arms around him, and stroked his head.

‘It doesn’t matter, Josh, no one’s angry, we’re just pleased you’re safe,’ she said. ‘I’m here now.’

Josh pulled himself up from the bed and looked her straight in the eye, with a look that pierced her heart.

‘Daddy went away,’ he said. ‘And Granny’s gone away. What happens if you go away?’

‘Josh, I’m not going anywhere,’ said Amy. ‘And Granny’s only gone on holiday. She’ll be back soon.’

‘Yes, but we don’t see her any more,’ said Josh, bursting into fresh tears. ‘I want to see Granny. I want to go back home.’

‘Is that why you ran away?’

‘Yes,’ Josh snivelled.

Amy found a hankie for his nose and held him close.

‘Oh sweetheart,’ said Amy. ‘This is our home now.’

‘No, it’s not,’ said Jamie.

‘Yes, it is,’ said Amy. ‘You know, it’s like in that book about the tiger, when he moves house and he realises his home has moved with him.’

‘But Granny isn’t here,’ said Josh.

‘I know,’ said Amy. ‘And I’m sorry about that. So when she’s back from her holiday, why don’t we invite her to come and stay for a while? I know it’s all a bit strange here still, but you’ve got lots of friends. And if we go back to London you won’t see Matt any more.’

‘Matt and I had a fight,’ said Josh.

‘Aah,’ said Amy. ‘And what was that about?’

‘Matt said I didn’t have a daddy. And he’s got two daddies. So then I said I did have a daddy, but he’d gone away. And he said you’d go away too and I wouldn’t have a mummy.’

‘Darling, I’ve told you, I’m not going anywhere.’ Amy cuddled Josh closer, relieved that at least he was talking.

‘But if you marry Ben you’d go and live in his house,’ said Josh. ‘And then where would I go?’

It was like an arrow through her heart. Amy felt terrible. So it was
her
fault, after all.

‘Josh,’ she began carefully. ‘What you saw on Christmas Day was nothing. Ben kissed me to wish me happy Christmas, that’s all. I’m not going to marry him. And if I did, I certainly wouldn’t leave you anywhere.’

‘Really?’

‘Really,’ Amy said, giving him a kiss. ‘What would I do without you? Now why don’t you dry your face, and I’ll toast you some marshmallows while you watch a DVD.’

Miraculously, it was like the sun coming out.

‘Great,’ said Josh. ‘Can I watch
Spiderman
?’

‘Okay,’ said Amy, thinking it ironic that he’d chosen that film, since it was Ben who had introduced it to Josh. Josh had badgered her about it so much that Father Christmas had bought him a copy. It was the first time, though, that he had asked to watch it. ‘But no more running away from school, you promise?’

‘I promise,’ said Josh. ‘Come on, Mummy, what are you waiting for?’

Amy followed her son downstairs, feeling both better and worse. Josh was clearly upset, but at least he’d been able to tell her about it, which was something. But the fact was, he had been upset because of her. It was Amy who had taken him to a new place and away from his beloved Granny. It was Amy who had kissed Ben and further unsettled her son. Had she done the right thing by coming here? The more she thought about it, the less certain she became. Maybe she should think about leaving Nevermorewell after all.

‘Children are very resilient,’ Saffron said, when Amy told her about it the next day, while they were tidying up Mrs Meadows’ garden. ‘Becky and Matt went through their ups and downs when Gerry first left, and you should have seen the way they behaved the first time I brought Pete round. But they got over it. Things aren’t perfect – they never are – but Josh knows he’s got you, and that’s what really matters.’

‘Thanks,’ said Amy gratefully. ‘Being on my own, I have no one to bounce ideas off, and it’s so easy to blame yourself when things go wrong. Josh seemed happier today, so I’m hoping it’s a one-off.’

‘Well, you’ve got me and I’m sure it is,’ said Saffron. ‘What gave Josh the idea you’d go off with Ben?’

Amy blushed. She had been so confused about what had happened on Christmas Day, she hadn’t told anyone about it.

‘No idea,’ she said. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘No reason,’ said Saffron. ‘I just thought you and Ben looked very cosy on Christmas Day.’ She cast a sly look
at Amy, who was trying, nonchalantly, to rake the leaves they hadn’t got round to clearing before Christmas.

‘I’m right, aren’t I? When I came into the kitchen that day, you both jumped apart like frightened rabbits. Come on, tell your Auntie Saff all about it.’

Amy laughed. Saffron was hard to resist, and it felt good to get it off her chest.

‘I haven’t seen Ben since that day,’ she said. ‘So it’s not as if this is a great love affair or anything. And, given how much it’s upset Josh, it definitely won’t be happening again.’ As she said this, Amy’s stomach tied into peculiar knots. Despite her protestations, the fact that she hadn’t heard from Ben since Christmas had been bothering her. Sure, it made dealing with the Josh issue easier, but it also made her doubtful about Ben. Why had he kissed her? Had he been toying with her? At the time it felt like he genuinely cared, but the longer it went on, the less sure Amy was.

‘I think Ben’s away,’ said Saffron. ‘Pete said something ages ago about him going skiing.’

‘Oh.’ Amy felt disappointed that Ben hadn’t thought to mention it to her. ‘He never said.’

‘I think it was some last-minute thing,’ said Saffron absently, as she started to dig Mrs Meadows’ flowerbed over, ready for spring planting. ‘Don’t look so tragic.’ Amy’s thoughts were plain to see. ‘I doubt very much that Ben is going to find love on the ski slopes.’

‘I’m not, as you put it, looking tragic,’ said Amy, chucking some leaves at Saffron, before putting the rest of them in the bag. ‘Even if, and it’s a big if, I was interested in Ben, it’s not as though I can do anything
about it. We’re both free agents. He can do what he likes.’

‘Hmm, you sound so convincing,’ said Saffron.

‘Oh do shut up,’ said Amy, giggling. ‘Otherwise I might just be tempted to shove these leaves down your neck.’

The following Saturday morning, Amy and Josh found themselves on the allotments. There wasn’t much to do at this time of year, but as this was her first year here, Amy wanted to plan her plot for the spring. She had managed to get some onion sets in at the end of November, and was pleased to see they were doing well. Her seedbeds were carefully covered over with old carpet to prevent the weeds from growing – a tip Harry had kindly passed on. A few of her raspberry canes had fallen over in the recent winds, and she’d tied them up again, but really there wasn’t much to keep her busy.

Very few people seemed to be out and about. Hardly surprising, really. Though the sun was out, it was freezing, and the wind whipped through her and Josh, who had soon had enough and was demanding to go home.

‘In a minute,’ said Amy. ‘I just want to find Harry and borrow his seed catalogues to order some potatoes. Come on, you know it’s nice and warm in his hut. And he might have a biscuit if you’re lucky.’

Thus mollified, Josh put his hand in hers, and they
walked past Scary Slug Man, who was muttering his usual incantations, towards Harry’s hut.

Harry came to greet them with a steaming cup of tea.

‘How are you both?’ he beamed. ‘We haven’t seen much of you down here lately.’

‘We’ve been a bit busy,’ said Amy. ‘It feels like we’ve gone straight from Christmas into meltdown without a break.’

‘I ran away from school,’ said Josh proudly as he sat on Harry’s comfy old sofa eating a chocolate biscuit.

Harry raised his eyebrows.

‘It’s nothing to be proud of,’ said Amy. ‘And you’re not doing it again, are you?’

Josh pulled a face. ‘No-o-o,’ he said. ‘I know, I know. It’s dangerous and I could have got hurt.’

‘What happened?’

Amy gave Harry a potted version of events, missing out the kiss as Josh was sitting there all ears.

‘Well, young man, I hope you’ve learned your lesson,’ said Harry.

‘Of course,’ said Josh indignantly. ‘I’ve already told you.’

‘And why wouldn’t we believe you?’ said Amy, laughing. ‘Come on, we’d better get you home for some lunch. Fancy popping in for a bite, Harry?’

‘I think I might,’ said Harry. ‘I spot Edie at four o’clock, no doubt bearing gifts of fruitcake and coffee. I need an excuse to avoid her.’

‘I’m an excuse now, am I?’ Amy asked in mock petulant tones. ‘I like that.’

‘And I can’t think of a better one,’ was Harry’s gallant response. ‘I’ll just tidy up here and follow you home. I shouldn’t be long.’

In fact, Harry was quicker than Amy had envisaged. She had only been in a couple of minutes when there was a knock on the door.

‘Phew,’ said Harry. ‘That was a close one. Edie nearly got me, but I managed to escape. I swear that woman is after my body.’

‘Stranger things have been known,’ said Amy, laughing as she poured Harry a cup of tea.

Josh had settled down in the lounge and was playing a complicated game with his Action Man, so Amy and Harry sat chatting in the kitchen.

‘Is Josh all right now?’ asked Harry.

‘I think so,’ said Amy. ‘He gave himself as much of a fright as he gave me. So I’m hoping he doesn’t do it again.’

‘Any idea why he did it?’

Amy paused, but Harry’s ready sympathy was enough to release the floodgates and she found herself pouring out the whole story.

‘It’s not as though I want a relationship with anyone,’ she said, ‘but I feel so guilty about Josh seeing what happened. I should have thought about him more.’

‘Amy, you’re an attractive young woman,’ said Harry. ‘You can’t go round wearing a hair shirt for the rest of your life. And Josh will have to get used to the idea that one day you’ll find him a new dad. Give him time, I’m sure he’ll come round.’

‘Do you think so?’

‘I know so,’ said Harry. ‘Trust me. I’m a wise old owl, and there isn’t much about human behaviour that I haven’t seen before.’

‘One thing that’s been puzzling me, though,’ said Amy, ‘is why Josh suddenly turned against Ben. He was quite happy at fireworks night. And he even said he wanted Ben for a dad. But then, before Christmas, he told his granny he didn’t want me to marry Ben. And now this. It does seem a bit odd.’

‘Do you want me to have a chat with him about it?’ asked Harry. ‘Perhaps another point of view might help.’

‘Well, if you don’t mind,’ said Amy. ‘Because I’d hate to think I’ve scarred him for life.’

‘Now that I doubt very much,’ said Harry, patting her hand. ‘Any chance of another cuppa?’

Ben strode across the allotments, his spade over his shoulder. He breathed a deep sigh of relief. It was so good to be back. Thanks to a severe dose of the winter vomiting bug (no doubt picked up from some of the patients he’d seen at Christmas), his stay at his parents’ had ended up prolonged till after the New Year. He had come back halfway through the week, got immersed in work and had still been feeling so wiped out from the bug he hadn’t seen anyone since he’d been back.

He breathed in the fresh, crisp air. Though it had been good to spend more time than normal with his parents, it was nice to get away from his mother’s
endless ministrations. It was hard not to feel suffocated at home, and he felt free for the first time in a week.

He pottered about tidying up his allotment. He was only growing a few lettuces in his improvised cold frames. Harry had been watering them for him. But being here was therapeutic, and he did need to dig over the vegetable patch, ready for sowing in the spring. At least, that’s the excuse he’d given himself. Really he was hoping he’d see Amy. It would be easier than going over there.

He felt bad about Amy. About the way he’d left her to deal with Josh, and then not contacted her. Ben had kidded himself she needed time on her own. But now he wasn’t sure. The truth was, he hadn’t known what to do. Or say. So he had done nothing. Said nothing. She had every right to be cross with him. He wished he were better at this sort of thing.

‘Hello, old boy.’ Harry emerged from his hut sipping coffee, which had a distinctly medicinal smell to it. ‘Good trip?’

‘Okay,’ said Ben, trying to appear noncommittal. ‘But it’s good to be back. Should you really be drinking whisky at this time in the morning?’

‘Oh do stop nagging. Anyone would think you’d had a bad time.’

‘I’ve had better holidays,’ admitted Ben.

‘Seen Amy yet?’ Harry nodded in the direction of her garden gate.

‘Er, no,’ said Ben.

‘When you do, take it easy,’ said Harry. ‘Josh has been giving her a tough time, and she feels it’s all her fault.’

‘What kind of a hard time?’ Ben felt lousier than ever.

Harry filled Ben in on Josh’s attempt at running away.

‘The last person she needs to see is me,’ said Ben. ‘I presume she told you what happened?’

‘She did,’ Harry replied. ‘So what’s your story?’

Ben shrugged his shoulders.

‘I like Amy,’ he said, ‘more than I’ve liked anyone in a long time. But she’s vulnerable. And she has Josh. I think it’s pretty much a non-starter, don’t you?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Harry. ‘Give her time. And give Josh time. I’d say all is not lost just yet.’

‘Harry, you’re a hopeless old romantic,’ Ben told him. ‘But this time, I think you’re wrong.’

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‘What on earth am I doing?’ Saffron wondered aloud as she sat staring at her computer screen. A trawl of pole-dancing classes online had come up with a huge haul. She was amazed that there were so many classes locally, though she was amused and not surprised to discover there seemed to be more on the Essex side of
the river than the Suffolk side. They ranged from the Pole Kittens she was looking at, who seemed vaguely respectable, to the Hot Vixens Luv Dancin’, who most decidedly didn’t, the venue their classes were held being a rather seedy pub that held stripper sessions on a Sunday lunchtime. Saffron was only privy to this information because it was one of Gerry’s less salubrious habits to totter over there in his youth, when he’d had a few, and one of the many reasons why she thanked God daily for no longer being married to him.

Thinking about Gerry made her wonder again why she was even contemplating doing this. She and Pete were fine. They were jogging along quite happily together. And now that she’d stopped breastfeeding (the spouting breasts at Christmas had been A Sign, she was sure), their sex life was slowly improving.