Passing as Elias (21 page)

Elizabeth went to numerous shops within walking distance of her home, and eventually found a small shop that sold hats. There was a sign on the door that said “Help Wanted”, so Elizabeth entered and introduced herself. An elderly gentleman and his wife, who seemed to be very kind, ran the shop. Elizabeth told them that she had been an apprentice at the apothecary on Eastmoreland place, before her Professor’s demise. They seemed to sympathize with Elizabeth and offered her work three days a week. It was a start, at least, she thought. The pay was not as much as she had been earning previously, but at this point she could not afford to pick and choose.

Elizabeth thought non-stop about Merrill, even though it caused her great physical pain to do so. At night she lay awake, thinking about holding, and kissing Merrill on her soft, pink mouth. The memories were agony. It was as though a giant hole had been carved from her chest, leaving a gaping wound that would not heal.

Elizabeth did not reveal her sexual preference to her mother, for she knew that it would be a hard thing to understand. Feeling more alone than ever, she kept it a secret, wondering if she really was perverted for preferring women.

She looked at other women on the street, wondering if any of them had loved another girl, like she had. Would it be a hard thing to do, to find someone like herself? Did such a thing even exist?

Yet, her heart pined for Merrill more than anything else, and though Elizabeth felt lonely, she did not seek the company of another woman.

Elizabeth heard through word of mouth that the apothecary had sold to a wealthy doctor who planned to turn it into a surgery. Elizabeth was not too bothered by this, for she was glad that the apothecary would remain a source for medical treatment.

She was not unhappy working in the hat shop. The elderly couple, Mister and Misses Weatherby, were extremely kind, and the shop was often quiet. It was a relaxing job, yet Elizabeth felt frustrated that her mind was not being stretched to its full extent. 

Another week passed, the bruise around Elizabeth’s eye faded, and her tender ribs were less painful. Each morning she woke up, wondering why she felt so depressed, and then she would remember.

It was around this time that Elizabeth saw Merrill for the first time since their untimely break-up.

Elizabeth was working in Weatherby’s Hat Shop on a Friday afternoon, when Merrill entered, looking rather dapper in a periwinkle blue dress. She did not notice Elizabeth straight away, for she looked upon the shelves at all of the lovely hats on display. 

As soon as Elizabeth saw her, her knees felt weak, and her mouth felt dry. She wondered if she should hide, or simply face the music. It took several minutes for Merrill to see her.

Merrill stared, and Elizabeth breathed heavily. She ached. Time seemed to stretch out in front of her. In that moment, every kiss, every touch seemed to float in the space between them.

Merrill had turned pink, and she had taken a step back towards the door.

“Do not go,” Elizabeth said weakly, but it was too late. Merrill had turned on her heel and sped through the shop door.

Elizabeth cursed under her breath and rested her head on the counter. There had been so many things she had wanted to say, but all of them had been forgotten in those few moments they looked at each other.

Elizabeth knew Merrill was ashamed. She must think it disgusting, what they had done. Elizabeth felt horrid that she had deceived Merrill, and wanted nothing more than to talk things through with her.

But Elizabeth got just this chance only a few hours later.

Elizabeth sat at home alone; her mother had gone to visit a friend for the evening. On the sixth hour, there came a knock upon the door; Elizabeth, dressed in her trousers and shirt, slouched towards the door and opened it.

Merrill stood on the doorstep, her tiny body trembling from head to foot. She looked absolutely petrified to be seen there.

“Merrill,” Elizabeth gaped, “wh-what are you doing here?”

Merrill looked up and down the street nervously before whispering, “Can I come in, Miss?”

“I - well, yes, of course,” Elizabeth said, absolutely amazed.

Merrill slipped through the door, and Elizabeth took her into the sitting room.

“How did you know where I lived?” Elizabeth asked immediately.

Merrill ignored this, “Are we alone, Miss?” she asked.

“Y-Yes,” Elizabeth breathed.

Merrill was wringing her hands together nervously, as though on the verge of revealing something very personal. She looked exceptionally tiny, as though she had not eaten properly for weeks.

“I just … I just wanted you to know,” Merrill began in a shaky voice, “what you have done to me.”

Elizabeth’s heart sank. So, Merrill had come to lay a guilt-trip on her, as though she did not feel terrible enough already.

“I cannot eat,” Merrill said weakly, “I cannot sleep.”

Elizabeth did not speak, and she did not look at Merrill. Instead she looked at her feet.

“I think of nothing else,” Merrill continued.

“If I could fix this,” Elizabeth said pleadingly, “I would do anything. You must believe me.”

“You said you loved me.” Merrill’s eyes were brimming with tears, threatening to spill at any moment, “You said you
loved
me.”

“It was not a lie,” Elizabeth said at once.

“How could it not be?” Merrill said loudly, tears now cascading down her cheeks, “How could it be possible?”

Elizabeth crossed the room and took Merrill’s hands in her own, “It
is
possible, Merrill. I never knew it before I met you, but it
is
possible for a girl to love another girl.”

“It is not right, Miss,” Merrill said, taking her hands away from Elizabeth, “it is not normal.”

“If we have the power to love, then how can it not be normal? Merrill, it felt like the most natural thing in the world, to love you.”

Tears ran down Merrill’s cheeks silently, and Elizabeth wiped them away with the palm of her hand. At her touch, Merrill closed her eyes and bowed her head.

“Please do not hate me,” Elizabeth begged, “I cannot bear it. These past weeks have been torture, as though part of me has vanished.”

“You said you were going to leave me,” Merrill said.

“I had to end it, because … because George was coming back from sea.”

“Your husband?”

“Yes,” Elizabeth admitted, “you must understand that it was a marriage of convenience. I did not care for George Greenwood, at least, not in the way that I care about you.”

“He left you, Miss?” Merrill guessed.

“He … he did. He took the house, and the apothecary. He left me with nothing, Merrill.”

“Do you not think you have brought this upon yourself?” Merrill asked.

Elizabeth did not know how to answer. Honestly, yes, she had brought this upon herself, but there was one thing she wanted more than a job, or the apothecary.

“If I were to have you, Merrill, things would not seem so bad.”

“How can two girls be sweethearts, Miss?” Merrill said, turning away and crossing the room. She looked out of the window, her arms folded across her chest, “Even if you were to continue dressing as a boy,” Merrill pointed to Elizabeth’s trousers, and shirt, “it could never work.”

Did this mean that Merrill was not opposed to a relationship? Elizabeth was not sure, but she felt as though this conversation was going better than expected.

“Do you not have feelings for me, Merrill?” Elizabeth tried another tactic, “You said you loved me too, remember?”

“I said I loved
Elias,
” Merrill shot back, “if I had known you were an imposter-”

“I am the same person,” Elizabeth cut Merrill off, “I am the same, on the inside. Do you not remember what it was like? To kiss, to touch-”

“Stop it,” Merrill said. Her face showed anguish, “Stop talking like that.”

“Why can you not accept how I feel about you?” Elizabeth said suddenly angry.

Merrill looked away, ashamed, as though the sight of Elizabeth was offensive.

“Please, Merrill,” Elizabeth said, approaching her slowly.

“You have made me look a fool,” Merrill said through her tears, “and what is worse, you have made me question everything I have ever believed in. I do not know who I am anymore … to think of you this way, it is wicked.”

Elizabeth felt a squirm of excitement in the pit of her stomach, “Think of me in what way?” she asked.

Merrill shook her head, “I am just confused.”

Elizabeth grabbed Merrill’s shoulders and stared into her eyes, “Tell me you feel it too, Merrill.”

“I do not wish to,” Merrill said through trembling lips, “I have tried not to think of it, but the thoughts … the thoughts are always in my head.”

“They are in my head too, Merrill. I used to be afraid of them, but then I realized it is part of who I am.”

“You have plagued me,” Merrill accused.

“It is not a disease to be caught,” Elizabeth said, her eyebrows furrowed, “it is beautiful, and natural. I would not wish it away anymore. I feel the most amazing freedom.”

“How can you bear it?” Merrill said, another tear sliding down her cheek.

“Because I am with you,” Elizabeth said.

The silence that followed was not awkward. On the contrary, the pause was so pregnant with wanting, that Elizabeth felt she might die if she could not touch Merrill.

“I know you feel it too, Merrill,” Elizabeth whispered, “that is why you have come here today–to confirm your own fears.”

“I am ashamed,” Merrill said.

“Do not be.” Elizabeth raised a hand and stroked Merrill’s hair. Upon her touch, Merrill closed her eyes and shivered. Elizabeth saw her chance, and took it. She tilted Merrill’s chin up, and kissed her mouth with more force than she intended. Merrill did not respond instantly, but kept her lips pursed tightly as Elizabeth tried to force entry into the depths of her mouth. When Elizabeth placed her hand on Merrill’s waist however, she relaxed, and opened her lips to allow Elizabeth’s tongue inside. They stood beside the window, and kissed forcefully. Merrill put her shaking hands on Elizabeth’s hips, and Elizabeth wrapped her arms around Merrill. She felt as though she would melt into a puddle at any moment, because Merrill was kissing
her
for the first time. Not Elias. It felt as though this was the first kiss they have ever shared, and the past few months had never even taken place. At least, it felt that way for Elizabeth.

Merrill broke away and averted her gaze to the floor. Her cheeks were still wet from tears.

“I am afraid,” Merrill admitted, “This feeling … it is strange … wanting.”

“That is how you are meant to feel,” Elizabeth reassured, “stop listening to your brain, Merrill. We could make a go of it, you know? I would make you so happy, if you would let me.”

“You have not left my head for two weeks,” Merrill admitted, “I thought about all the times we kissed … all the things we did as lovers … and I felt – I felt, She paused to take a deep breath, “excited, I guess. I kept telling myself that it was wrong, but then a little voice would come into my head and tell me that perhaps I could love you no matter what gender.” 

Elizabeth could not help it– she grinned.

“You make a handsome man, and a beautiful woman,” Merrill said, “I suppose I am lucky to have earned the love of Elias and Elizabeth.”

Merrill placed her fingertips to Elizabeth’s collarbone, and took a deep breath, “Did you … bind them?” she asked, nodding to Elizabeth’s breasts.

“All the time,” Elizabeth admitted.

“Did it hurt?”

‘Sometimes.’

Merrill ran her fingers lower, until she traced the outline of Elizabeth’s bosom. Elizabeth inhaled sharply; her nipples hardened and showed through the thin shirt. Merrill did not fail to notice this, and ran her palm lightly over the protruding nubs. The slowness of Merrill’s movements was almost too painful to bear, but Elizabeth stood there, allowing Merrill to explore her body. Her hand cupped Elizabeth’s breast lightly, lingering for only a moment before journeying onwards towards her navel. She felt the curve of her hips before looking up and meeting Elizabeth’s gaze. This time it was Merrill who reached up to press her lips to Elizabeth’s. She was shaking, and hesitant once more, but Elizabeth slowly coaxed her into a deeper, more passionate kiss. Their tongues met, and Merrill moaned into Elizabeth’s mouth, sending shivers down her spine. It was bliss, being with Merrill.  

And then Merrill did something unexpected; she toyed with the waistband of Elizabeth’s trousers before sliding downwards to cup her crotch. Of course, Elizabeth no longer packed socks into her pants, so everything Merrill touched was one hundred percent Elizabeth.

Elizabeth inhaled deeply, and said in a rather strained voice, “You do not have to do this, Merrill.” 

Merrill smiled, “Who would have guessed it, Miss? The man of my dreams is a girl.”

They sat upon the lounge, facing one another. She put a hand to Merrill’s waist and kissed her again. Their mouths moved more urgently now, and Elizabeth knew that this moment had been a long time coming. All the months they had spent together had been leading up to this point in time. Finally, Elizabeth could be herself, and love Merrill the way she was meant to, as a woman.