Parly Road: The Glasgow Chronicles 1 (39 page)

  “That wid be like four blue bottles taking oan Horsey John and that auld fly-swatter ae his. Funny as fuck, bit stupid.”

  “So, whit’s happening oan the night then?” Tony asked.

  “People arrive jist efter five, everywan’s hauf pished by six, Charlie Chip, Scotland’s funniest comedian hits them wae a few stoaters tae loosen them up...”

  “That wee midget’s red-raw pish,” Skull said, looking aboot, happy wae the nods ae agreement aw roond.

  “...hot pies ur taken oot at seven o’clock wae vinegar, mushy peas and a couple ae slices ae plain breid tae soak up the juice. Then, at seven forty-five, there’s a group oan that cannae staun each other, which includes ma big sister and Kirsty’s wee brothers, that should produce a couple ae wee fights amongst themsels tae start the night aff jist nicely. They’ll be followed by a break wae some speeches, a slice ae Duggie Dough Baw’s best cake, a game ae Bingo and gallons ae mair drink, followed by the group again, by which time the fighting amongst the guests should start fur real.”

  “Sounds brilliant,” Skull said.  “Kin Ah come?”

  “Usually the bizzies ur in sharp by aboot ten o’clock...chucking oot time. Ah think The Big Man’s goat them tae be somewhere else oan Saturday night, which is fine if ye’re oan yer best behaviour, bit no if ye’re oan the receiving end ae a hiding roond aboot the last bell, fae wan ae the Charming Brothers.”

  “So, will ye be coming and gaun throughoot the night?”

  “How dae ye mean?”

  “Will you be oot and aboot fur The Big Man?”

  “It aw depends.”

  “Oan whit?”

  “Oan whether he wants something done or no.”

  “Bit if ye wanted, ye could persuade him that he’d want something done which wid get him tae send ye aff and oot ae the pub fur hauf an hour?”

  “Ah suppose so,” Calum said slowly, looking roond at them aw, feeling like he wis being measured up fur a coffin, judging by the way they wur aw gawping at him.

  “Whit dae ye think, Joe?” Tony asked.

  “Ah wid jist tell him.”

  “Right, spit it oot. It’s obvious that youse ur up tae something. If it’s anything tae dae wae whit Skull jist said, ye kin furget it right here and noo. Every mad gangster and his moll, including their maws and das will be sitting there, getting pished, oan Saturday night. Even the local priests widnae try and rob they wans and ye know whit they’re like.”

  “We need yer help oan Saturday night.”

  “Whit? A wee favour?”

  “Aye, something like that,” Tony said, as he went oan tae tell Calum whit wis aboot tae happen.

  Tony must’ve spoken fur aboot three quarters ae an hour, gaun intae aw the ins and oots ae why and whit they wur planning. The reason Johnboy knew it wis that long wis because he wis coonting the records that wur being played oan the tranny when Tony wis speaking. He reckoned each song lasted aboot two minutes forty five seconds wae aboot a fifteen second gap in between. He added in the Palmolive adverts and the ‘Man, that’s groovy’ jingle that kept being played repeatedly. Aw in, there wis aboot fifteen songs. Sometimes Tony brought Joe in tae back him up oan some point, bit it wis mainly Tony that did aw the talking. Calum didnae even ask wan question and even Skull knew that this wis the wan time no tae say a word. Tony explained that they needed Calum tae nip doon tae The Atholl tae let The Driving Instructor know tae start picking up the doos. He wid then hiv tae nip back up tae the boys and start taking the egg boxes doon the stairs fae the tap landing tae each car as it arrived. The last box doon wid hiv the three big Horsemen in it, bit Tony wid haun that wan o’er himsel.

  “Fur Christ’s sake!” wis aw Calum said, looking shocked, when Tony finished talking.

  Nowan said a word. They jist looked at Calum as he stared back at them.  It wis the longest Johnboy hid ever clocked him staun still since he’d first met him. He didnae know whether it wis the song that brought him back tae life or whit, bit when the Seekers ‘World Ae Oor Ain’ started belting oot ae the tranny, Calum suddenly stood up.

  “Ah cannae dae it. Ah need tae get oot ae the Toonheid and the only way Ah’m gonnae dae that is through ma running. Ah wis jist telt yesterday by ma coach in the Maryhill Harriers that Ah’ve been picked tae represent Scotland in the European Junior Championships. Sorry, boys.”

  Wae that, Calum heided oot the door.  Nowan moved fur aboot five seconds and then Tony goat up and went efter him. Johnboy, Skull and Joe sat there fur aboot twenty minutes, no saying a word. The tranny wis oan bit they didnae even hear whit songs wur playing. Skull put the wee hen and doo oot oan tae the landing board wae the hood up and stood there peeping through the hole in the latch, watching whit they wur up tae.

  When Tony stepped through the beaded curtain, the three ae them aw turned and stared at him. Johnboy stood up and held his breath. Tony’s face looked doon in the dumps and a bit defeated, Johnboy thought. Johnboy fought hard tae stoap himsel fae bursting oot greeting when he felt his bottom lip tremble. He wisnae too sure if it wis because he wis relieved that he wisnae gonnae end up getting murdered or brain damaged by a big gorilla wae a polis baton or he wis disappointed because he really wanted tae dae this. When he glanced o’er at Skull, Johnboy felt guilty that he maybe knew something that Skull didnae. Tony hid said that they should keep tae themselves whit Flypast hid telt them. Johnboy couldnae help thinking aboot Skull’s da and how if he’d haunded o’er the big Horseman Thief Pouter, Skull wid’ve been working wae him, fleeing the doos in his ain dookit. When Tony did speak, Johnboy couldnae haud it in any longer and started tae bubble.

  “Nae problem…he’ll dae it,” Tony said, a big grin lighting up his face and the cabin.

Chapter Forty Six

  “So, whit ur they up tae, Alex?” asked The Sarge.

  “Ah don’t know.”

  “Whit dae ye mean, ye don’t know? Ye know everything aboot here.”

  “No everything.”

  “Aye, bit enough tae wet oor whistles wae.”

  “Hiv youse goat whistles tae?”

  “Aye.”

  “Kin Ah get wan?”

  “Whit’s happened tae the badge Ah gied ye?” Crisscross asked him.

  “It’s here…look,” Special Agent Arbuckle said, pulling the white ‘V’ ae the neck ae his Glesga Rangers jersey forward while raising up his left erm and showing them his silver plastic ‘Special Agent’ badge which wis pinned oan tae his vest, tucked in amongst the folds ae fat under his oxter.

  “Whit the hell hiv ye goat it tucked aw the way under there fur?”

  “Cause Ah’m undercover.”

  “Oh…er…aye, right…so ye ur. Ah furgoat. Right, so spill the beans then. Whit his that manky mob been up tae?”

  “Only whit ye awready know.”

  “Aye, we know that, and you know that, bit jist so we aw know that, we hiv tae synchronise whit we know, aw thegither, so we aw know whit everywan else knows.”

  “Crisscross, whit the fuck ur ye prattling oan aboot? If Ah don’t know, then there’s nae chance that he’ll know. Isn’t that so, son?”

  “Aw Ah know is whit youse know.”

  “Which is whit?”

  “That they tanned yer hoose.”

  “Noo we’re getting somewhere.”

  “So, whit dae ye know that we don’t know?”

  “Fur fuck’s sake, Crisscross, don’t start that aw o’er again. Ah’ll dae the talking. Oan ye go, son. We know that you know whit we aw know, bit you tell us whit you know first, and we’ll dae the synchronising.  Okay?” The Sarge said, looking o’er at Crisscross, warning him wae his eyes no tae start coming oot wae mair ae that gibbering shite ae his.

  “Ah heard that they tanned yer hoose and goat away wae aw the dosh that yer wife and they other nice Christian wummin wur collecting fur the wee weans in Africa.”

  “Carry oan, special constable.  And?”

  “Aye, they’ve been telling everywan how good it wis tae get aw that dosh.”

  “Carry oan.”

  “That’s it.”

  “There must be mair than that. We know aw that.”

  “Aye, well it wis that wee cu...boy, Taylor. The wan wae the ginger napper that went in through the windae first. It wis him who discovered aw the money lying aboot. The other three then jumped in and helped him and themsels tae it aw.”

  “So, whit did they dae wae the money?”

  “They’ve been spending it oan everything.”

  “Like whit?”

  “Like, Ah saw that wee ugly Skull wan shooting up Parly Road yesterday wae a big box ae mince pies held oot in front ae him.”

  “Wis he being chased?”

  “Naw, Ah clocked him buying them. Ah think he wis running so he could get hame before they went cauld. Every step he took, ye could hear tons ae coins rattling aboot in his pockets.”

  “So?”

  “So, they wur City Bakeries wans in the white box.”

  “Ah cannae believe they wee knobs ur scoffing away aw ma wife’s hard work oan tap-ae-the-range mince pies.”

  “Every time Ah’ve clocked them since they screwed yer hoose, their pockets hiv aw been full ae Strawberry Bonbons, Bazooka chewing gum, Broon Gems, MB bars, Kola Kubes, Parma Violets, Flying Sherbet Saucers, White Chocolate Mice and Ah even saw them wae a packet ae ma favourites, Blue Riband chocolate wafers.”

  “So, where ur they planking aw that money they’ve goat, Alex?”

  “Ah, don’t know. They’re no using the auld planking place in the dipping yard behind Grafton Square because Ah went up there efter they done Criss…Ah mean, yer hoose, tae see if there wis any dosh there that Ah could find and haun in tae youse.”

  “Anything else tae report then?”

  “Naw, sir.”

  “Right, ye kin fu...er, heid aff noo, Alex. Keep yer ears and eyes open, and we’ll talk tae ye later.”

  “Aye, aw right, sirs,” Fat boy said, hesitating.

  “Ur you still here? Whit is it noo?” The Sarge scowled.

  “Any chance ae getting a whistle wae a chain oan the end, sir?”

  “Ye kin hiv two if ye kin produce any evidence that will allow us tae nick they wee thieving basturts.”

  “Okay.  Thanks sir,” the singing canary sang, thumping doon the stairs, carrying a big towel under his erm.

  “Whit dae ye think?”

  “Ah cannae believe we’re allowing they wee shitehooses tae run aboot spending aw ma wife’s money oan crap.”

  “Naw, Ah meant whit Wobbly Arse jist telt us.”

  “Like whit?”

  “Like, did ye see the way his eyes went intae ecstasy and they jowls ae his started drooling like a leaking rone pipe when he wis rattling aff the names ae aw they different types ae sweeties?”

  “Nae wonder. Ah’m partial tae a wee Blue Riband masel. Sometimes, me and Sally will hiv wan or maybe even two, when we’re sitting watching Sunday Night at the London Palladium and we’ve goat the hoose tae oorsels, which isnae very often these days.”

  “There’s something no right here.”

  “Like whit?”

  “Like, he only telt us whit we awready know.”

  Johnboy wis feeling a wee bit nervous. He wis jist aboot tae meet some uglies fae up in Indian Territory…the wans who always beat everywan up ootside The Carlton and Casino picture hooses in Castle Street. He wis trying tae remember whit they aw looked like, apart fae being ugly and nasty wae it.  It hid been Skull’s idea.

  “Who’s gaun tae the swimming?”

  “Ah’ll go.”

  “Me tae.”

  “Ah’ll need tae go hame and get ma trunks and a towel,” Johnboy hid said.

  “Naw, ye don’t. We’ll get ye a pair when we get there.”

  It wis only when they wur oan their way doon Parly Road, turning intae Glebe Street, heiding towards the public baths in Collins Street, that he heard Skull ask oot loud tae nowan in particular.

  “Ah wonder who’ll aw be there?”

  “Ur we meeting people?” Johnboy asked.

  “Naw, bit some ae the Garngad crowd will probably be daeing the same as us and gaun fur a swim.”

  Johnboy never said a word bit felt his stomach tighten, the closer they goat tae the baths. When they turned the corner at Mary Queen ae Scots hoose oan Castle Street, it only took him a second tae suss oot whit the score wis.  There wis a queue at baith doors. Hunners ae boys and lassies wur waiting tae go in. The boys wur queuing tae go in the left door and the lassies wur queuing oan the right. He could see the uglies moving up and doon the line, stoaping every noo and again tae lean o’er and either whack somewan o’er the heid wae a rolled-up towel or tae try and cause a fight by shouting abuse at somewan else. Johnboy hid seen a programme oan the TV wance that showed ye how sheep dogs herded in aw the sheep. It wis jist like that. Sheep huddled, avoiding eye contact and the dugs running aboot, keeping them in check.

  “Watch oot, boys, it’s the manky birdmen fae Alcatraz who’ve arrived tae wash the bird shite fae oot ae they ears ae theirs,” shouted a wee buck-toothed ugly wan that Johnboy remembered as being a nasty wee fucker, fae ootside The Carlton.

  “Hellorerr Patsy, how ur ye daeing?”

  “Aye, aye, Tony!” shouted another ugly, before turning tae growl at somewan, “Whit the fuck ur you looking at?”

  “Awright, Tottie?” Tony shouted back.

  Johnboy saw a couple ae his pals fae doon his end ae the Toonheid and went o’er tae talk tae them in the queue. It gied him an excuse tae keep his heid doon.

  “Ah’m no really wae them, Michael,” Johnboy mumbled apologetically.

  “Aye, Ah heard ye’re running aboot wae Tony Gucci and some ae his pals noo.”

  “Aye, we’re fleeing the doos, so we ur. We’ve jist took o’er a cabin up the tap ae Parly Road, behind the big fag signs.”

  “Aye, Flypast wis telling us,” his pal Jimmy said, nodding.

  “Hiv ye goat many doos?” Michael asked, impressed.

  “We’ve goat two. A wee doo and a hen, bit we’re starting tae breed them oorsels. Ye’ll need tae come up and check oot the cabin.”

  “Brilliant!” they baith chorused, while glancing o’er at the carnage behind Johnboy.

  Jist then, two mair uglies turned up. Wan ae them, who wis called Baby Huey...fat as fuck, wae five chins, who looked aboot fifteen bit who wis only ages wae Tony and Joe, grabbed Skull by the baws and lifted him up aff the pavement.

  “Argh! Baby, ya big
fat basturt, ye, let me doon,” Skull howled.

  “Skull, ya wee baldy basturt, where hiv ye been hiding?”

  “That wis sore, ya fat-arsed hippo, ye,” Skull growled, rubbing they baws ae his tae bring them back intae circulation.

  “Ach, Ah wis only playing.”

  “Listen, Ah want ye tae meet oor new pal,” Johnboy heard him say, and his heart sank.  

  Johnboy looked aboot fur Tony, bit he wis away o’er at the lassies’ door, busy wae that tongue ae his.

  “Johnboy, c’mere a minute. Baby, this is Johnboy.”

  “How ur ye daeing, wee man?

  “Awright, Baby.”

  “And Ah’m Patsy,” Buck Teeth said.

  “How ur ye daeing?”

  Baby’s mate wis o’er talking tae Tony in front ae a couple ae giggling lassies at the other door, who wur gonnae get that tongue set upon them if they didnae watch oot. Johnboy wis jist swithering aboot whether he should slip across tae warn them ae the danger they wur in, when a well-known Halloween cake face appeared oan the scene. He wis wae four ae his mates and they tried tae slip intae the queue up near the front.

  “Hoi, there’s a queue aboot here, y’know.”

  “Shurrup, Speccy, or ye’ll be flattened,” Johnboy heard Tarzan, the flicking finger flickerer, snarl tae a wee boy three sizes too wee fur him, who wis wearing school glasses wae an Elastoplast covering wan ae the eyes.

  Johnboy never could figure oot whether Fat Boy wis jist game as fuck or as stupid as he looked. Efter his run-in wae Skull, ye wid’ve thought he’d hiv body-swerved the queue and heided hame tae swim another day. Skull’s heid swivelled roond, hivving picked up the voice, at the same time as Baby Huey held up a massive pair ae thick hame-knitted, green woollen trunks.

  “Skull, Ah need a new pair ae trunks. These wans ur fucked. Ah’ve lost ma bootlace fur haudin them up. See if there’s any fat basturts in the queue.”

  The timing wis bang oan. Ye couldnae hiv planned it better if ye’d tried. Baby Huey followed Skull o’er tae where Tarzan hid jist punched the poor wee four-eyed boy in the baws fur answering back tae him. He obviously thought that he wis gonnae get aff wae it.

  “Haw, Fatso, haun o’er that towel and trunks.”

  Fat Arse Milne swivelled roond tae face an even bigger fat arse.

  “Bit, bit...”

  “None ae yer ‘bit, bits’ and hurry the fuck up, Tubby,” Skull said, snatching Tarzan’s towel fae under his erm.

  “Catch!” Baby Huey said, flinging the big thick green woolly trunks intae the face ae the son ae Tarzan.

  “Bit how will Ah keep them fae falling doon?” Heid The Baw howled, haudin them aloft tae inspect the size ae them.

  They could’ve been used as a replacement sail oan the Golden Hind, bit they wid’ve been too heavy fur the masts.

  “How the funny fucking hell wid Ah know?” Skull retorted, using words that Johnboy wis sure he’d heard somewhere before.

  “If he thinks they’re bad noo, wait till he jumps in.  He’ll never get aff the fucking bottom ae the pool,” Johnboy heard Baby saying tae Skull, as they walked towards him, cackling away tae themsels.

  Jist then, aboot a hunner boys and lassies spilled oot ae the door wae their hair still wringing wet and clinging tae their skulls. A wee man wae nae teeth, aw dressed in white, came oot.

  “Awright…ten at a time…take yer time…nae rushing,” Toothless shouted, before disappearing in amongst aw the bodies as the queue rushed forward.

  “Right, let’s go, Johnboy,” Skull shouted excitedly, as Tony and Joe followed him intae the mass ae the queue where the Garngad uglies wur awready punching their way forward.

  During the rush, Skull fell back and disappeared tae where the fat green submarine stood wae his four pals.

  “Ah’ll hiv these, suckers,” Skull said tae them, laughing, as he grabbed their towels, wae their snazzy stripey trunks peeking oot ae the middle ae them, and threw wan each tae Johnboy, Joe and Tony.