Parly Road: The Glasgow Chronicles 1 (33 page)

  “Get in there, ya wee manky toe-rag, ye,” he snarled, slamming the door shut.

  Johnboy lay doon oan the concrete mattress and started tae hum ‘Hoose Ae The Rising Sun’.  He wis sure it wis
by a group called The Animals. Before he goat tae his favourite bit...the chorus...he heard another hummer joining in. By the end ae the chorus, four hums wur gieing it big laldy.

  “Okay, so whit’s this wan?” he heard Joe shouting fae wan ae the other cells, starting tae hum another tune.

  “Ah cannae hum, by the Hum Dingers?” Skull shouted.

  “Humming oot ae Tune, by the Midnight Meows?” Tony chipped in.

  “Fuck aff, ya shite hooses!  Who is it?”

  “Ticket Tae Ride Yer Maw by The Beatles,” Johnboy shouted, as they aw joined in wae Joe.

  “Shit, Ah widnae hiv goat that wan,” Tony shouted, being honest fur wan ae the few times in his life.

  “Ma turn,” shouted Skull.

“Sarge!  Crisscross! C’mere and listen tae this,” Creeping Jesus, the turnkey, shouted o’er tae them.

  The baith ae them joined the group ae pavement pounders who wur sitting o’er by the door leading tae the cells and cocked their lugs.

  “That’s an easy wan. ‘The Loco-Motion’ by Little Eva,” Crisscross chipped in, chuffed wae himsel.

  “Crisscross, Ah don’t bloody believe you. They wee toe-rags hiv jist broken intae yer hoose, shat in yer good service dress hat, wiped their arses oan yer wife’s bed sheet, which seeped through oan tae yer mattress and fucked aff wae yer wife’s can collection that she’s been collecting fur months…and here ye ur, joining in tae play name that fucking tune. Ur ye wise or whit?” The Sarge said, looking at him in disgust before stomping aff, muttering under his breath.

  “Right, Mrs Taylor, calm doon and let me explain. The reason that Johnboy is here is because we hiv reason tae believe that he’s been involved in a number ae break-ins tae shoaps and hooses o’er the past six weeks.”

  “Says who?” Helen demanded.

  “Says me,” replied The Inspector.

  “Hiv you been breaking intae shoaps and hooses, Johnboy?” she growled, turning tae him wae a scowl that wid’ve scared a priest witless.

  “Who? Me? Naw, Ma.”

  “Right, where’s yer evidence then?” she asked, looking straight at The Sarge and Crisscross who wur staunin behind The Inspector’s chair.

  “It’s intelligence-based.”

  “So, explain tae us whit the intelligence is that ye’ve goat?”

  “Whit? Ah cannae dae that,” The Inspector retorted, as if she wis some sort ae a dafty.

  He looked across at the other maws sitting behind and tae the right ae Helen.

  “Why no?”

  “Because as the word implies, we goat the information via oor confidential sources.”

  “Ye mean, some wee blabber-mooth his telt ye something tae get this pair aff ae his back, and ye’ve lifted ma boy?” Helen snarled, nodding towards The Sarge and Crisscross.

  “The intelligence his came fae a wide range ae sources. It’s no jist the wan source.”

  “Right, so, spill the beans then. Get yer wide range ae sources tae get their arses in here quick and let’s hear their side ae the story.”

  “Ah don’t think ye quite understaun, Mrs Taylor.”

  “Excuse me, bit Ah think it’s you who disnae understaun.”

  “Well, Ah beg tae differ, of course, if Ah don’t mind saying so masel.”

  “Well, there’s a surprise. Well, let me tell ye whit ma sources hiv been telling me, based oan equally reliable intelligence. Oh, and by the way, so as there’s nae doubt or misunderstaunin here, while ma intelligence wis also recieved confidentially, ma sources hiv informed me that they’re aw prepared tae come forward and sign a sworn statement.”

  “Ah’m sorry, bit Ah don’t see whit this has goat tae dae wi...”

  “First aff, Ah hiv fifteen witnesses…aw good honest neighbours…who reported tae me that that big sergeant staunin behind ye, wae a smirk oan his face, assaulted ma ten year auld son by grabbing him by the hair and the throat in ma back close a few weeks ago. When Ah intervened tae establish whit wis gaun oan, Ah goat verbally abused by him and his side-kick. Ma sources, who ur also ma witnesses, telt me the side-kick wis easily recognised due tae the fact that they’d never come across a squint as bad as the wan that the officer hid plastered aw oor his face oan that particular day. Other sources hiv also informed me that this pair hiv been stalking ma boy and his pals aboot the streets, aw through the summer holidays, trying tae get people tae make up stories aboot them, because Burke and Hare here, ur trying tae make oot that they’re responsible fur breaking intae the nursery at the bottom ae ma street. Ma sources also tell me that youse hiv awready charged two local boys who hiv awready confessed tae that crime...”

  “Mrs Taylor, Ah don...”

  “Ah also received intelligence fae his grandmother and her neighbours earlier the day, who hiv also said they’d gie signed statements, that two big polis officers ran ma boy doon in a squad car in McAslin Street and then proceeded tae assault him before manhaundling him intae the back ae a car and kidnapping him.”

  “Look, Mrs Taylor, Ah really don’t think ye’ve goat a leg tae staun oan. This is aw supposition,” The Inspector scoffed, leaning back in his chair, wae his hauns behind his neck.

  “Johnboy, staun up!” Helen demanded, twirling him roond and lifting his hair up at the back ae his heid.  “Did ye come hame wae that big lump oan yer heid last night?  Tell the truth noo.”

  “Naw, Ma.”

  “Turn roond this way,” she said, twirling him back roond tae face the uniforms and lifting up his jumper.

  The bizzies aw gasped at the size ae his sultana.

  “Whit dae ye call this then?”

  “Ah kin promise ye right noo that we didnae lay a finger oan him,” The Sarge interupted, gawping at Johnboy’s crushed crusty nipple and Betty’s fingerprints that wur stamped oan his chest like a clump ae badly done blue tatoos.

  Tony and Joe’s maws sat wae their eyes popping oot ae their heids as Helen twirled Johnboy roond tae show them.

  “Wid ye say that looks like fingerprints oan him?”

  “Aye,” they murmured, as Johnboy wis twirled roond again, starting tae feel dizzy.

  “Mrs Taylor, Ah kin assure ye that ma officers wid never dae such a thing and tae even suggest that they wid, amounts tae slander.”

  “Whit time wis ma boy picked up efter he wis run o’er by that squad car?”

  “Yer boy wis arrested oan suspicion ae committing the break-ins at ten thirty this morning.”

  “And whit time is it noo?”

  “It’s nine forty-five.  Why?”

  “At night?”

  “At night.”

  “Hiv youse aw hid something tae eat and drink the day?” Helen asked the boys.

  “Naw,” they chorused.

  “So, apart fae the harassment, slander, assault, and denial ae food and water, ye’ve locked up a ten year auld boy fur…fur eleven and a quarter hours. Is that legal?”

  There wis a stunned silence in the office. The only sound wis a bluebottle buzzing oan the windae, trying tae get oot ae the mad-hoose. Helen sat staring intae The Inspector’s eyes. He blinked first. His jaw wis moving, bit nothing wis coming oot ae that gub ae his.

  “Ah’m waiting fur ma answer, Inspector Clouseau.”

  “Well, ah, well...”

  “Aye, Ah didnae think so. Right, Johnboy, ye kin let yer jumper doon noo. Let’s go, before Ah really lose ma temper.”

  And wae that, she stood up and stomped o’er tae the door and held it open fur everywan. 

  “You as well, son,” she added tae Skull, who shot aff his chair and oot the door wae a big grin plastered across that manky face ae his. 

Chapter Forty

  “So, whit did he dae then?” Helen’s maw asked her, when Helen telt her whit hid happened doon at Central the night before.

  “Christ knows. Aw Ah saw before Ah disappeared wis the wee ugly inspector sitting there wae his mooth open, catching flies, looking as if Ah’d jist slapped him oan the kisser and that pair ae eejits looking aboot them as if a hurricane hid jist passed through.”

  “Aw, Helen, Ah’m so proud ae ye, hen. That’ll teach them tae cross the lioness when her cub is in trouble.”

  “Ah hear whit ye’re saying, Maw, bit Ah’m really worried aboot whit’s gonnae happen tae him noo. They wullnae leave any stane unturned till they get him, will they?”

  “Ah widnae be too sure ae that. Ye’ve still goat aw yer evidence that they’ve been oot tae get him and his wee pals by using aw sorts ae shitey tricks. There must be a law against that, surely?”

  “Ye should’ve heard whit they wur accusing him ae. Breaking intae this and intae that. Christ, where wid he hiv goat aw the time?”

  “No forgetting he’s been oot grafting, selling briquettes, as well as getting interested in pigeon breeding.”

  “Fleeing the doos.”

  “Whit?”

  “It’s called fleeing the doos.”

  “Ah know that.”

  “Dis ma da know?”

  “Aye.  Well, when Mary and Bridie helped me roond tae the hoose, Ah could hardly staun up, Ah wis that shocked. Ah thought that big car hid killed him. Yer da wis in an awful state as well. By the time he went roond tae see whit wis happening, Johnboy hid awready been carted aff.”

  “Aw, Ah’m sorry, Maw. That goes fur Da as well. Ye shouldnae hiv tae put up wae aw this at your age.”

  “Och, away ye go. Ah’m only sorry that me and yer da didnae hiv a wee boy or two oorsels. Yer da prefers the lassies, bit Ah like the boys, masel. There’s jist something animal aboot them, if ye know whit Ah mean,” she said, grinning.

  “Aye, ye should try living wae them. It wid put ye aff animals fur life, believe you me.”

  “So, Bridie’s grandson put ye right oan whit happened?”

  “Aye, he telt me that he couldnae get aroond earlier wae the news as he’d been working until six o’clock. It wis only then Ah found oot fae oor Anne, who’s friendly wae the wee Atalian wan’s sister, whit’s being gaun oan. She telt oor Anne that her wee brother and his mates wur getting a lot ae hassle fae the local polis and she thought oor Johnboy wis wan ae them.”

  “The dirty frigging pigs that they ur. Hassling wee boys when there’s real criminals oan the go.”

  “Oh, hello Da. Hard day then?”

  “Jist the usual,” he said, sitting doon and opening the paper. “How’s that boy ae yours?”

  “Fine, fine. They telt me it wis a mistaken identity and apologised fur any trouble.”

  “A bit heavy-haunded, if ye ask me. Wait till Ah see that Crisscross wan. Ah’ll ask him tae dae a wee bit ae investigating oan the quiet and tae put the word oot tae make sure it disnae happen again.”

  “Aye, ye dae that, Da.”

  “Fur Christ’s sake! In the name ae the wee man!” Granda exclaimed.

  “Whit?” they baith chorused,

  “It says here in the Pat Roller column, ‘Break-in At Respected Couple’s Hoose - Constable Chris Cross and his wife, Salvation Army Probationary Lieutenant Sally Cross, hid their hoose broken intae last Thursday night in the Toonheid district ae Glesga. Due tae the employment ae PC Cross, his address his been omitted fae this report. A substantial amount ae money wis stolen fae the residence, as well as substantial malicious damage inflicted oan their property by the perpetrators.  Probationary Lieutenant Cross hid tae be rushed tae The Royal Infirmary wae shock efter she and her Salvation Army lodgers came hame tae discover the dastardly deed.’”

  “Aye, she always wis a drama queen, that wan,” Helen’s maw said.

  “Ah’ll jist ignore that remark, dear,” Granda tut-tutted, looking o’er the tap ae the paper at her.

  “Hurry up, and don’t take aw night, Da. Get oan wae it.”

  “‘Miss Anita Bendoer, wan ae the lodgers staying in the hoose, says it wis such a shock knowing some strangers fingers hid been rifling through her drawers and that if anywan knew the identity ae the said person, they should get in touch as soon as possible. Anonymity will be guaranteed. Meanwhile, Mrs Cross said that some weans in Africa will go hungry the night because their parents hiv nae money tae feed them.’”

  “She makes me want tae puke, that wan,” Helen murmered disgustedly.

  “Gonnae no say that?” her da growled, looking o’er at her, clearly irritated.

  “Whit wan’s the wan that’s obviously in need ae a man, Helen?”

  “Ah’m no too sure. There’s three ae them…aw heiding fur spinstersville…guaranteed. Arses the size ae a rich wummin’s Saturday’s shoapping bag.”

  “Ah cannae believe youse two. These poor defenceless wummin, aw living there oan their lonesomes, while Crisscross is oot at aw times ae the day and night, trying tae keep us safe in oor beds. Whit’s the matter wae youse, eh?”

  “Carry oan and stoap whinging. Ah wis starting tae enjoy that until ye stoapped reading,” her maw said, interrupting him.

  “Where’s ma scrambled eggs?”

  “Where’s the rest ae that story, Clark Kent?”

  “How dae ye know aboot Superman, Maw?”

  “That Charlie ae yours used tae bring roond his DC comics when he’d finished reading them...before he fell oot wae yer da, that is. Superman wis ma favourite.”

  “Aw, Ah never knew that. Whit a lovely thing tae dae.”

  “Aye, he’s a wee prize, that aulder boy ae yours. Ah really miss him,” she said, gieing Granda a dirty look.

  “Aw, Ah think Ah’m gonnae start greeting in a minute,” Helen whimpered.

  “Hoi, ur youse wanting tae hear this or no?”

  “We telt ye we did.  Hurry up, Grumpy.”

  “Where wis Ah? Oh aye...‘Probationary Lieutenant Cross says the wee group ae missionaries wur jist aboot tae be put forward fur the “Maist Money Raised Fur Hungry African Weans” award next month. She says that everywan in the Toonheid will be shocked that their endeavours may be in jeopardy due tae this selfish act. However, she and the three ladies will continue, wae the support ae the Toonheid community, tae still try and win the cup tae make everywan in the area proud.’ Aw, is that no nice?” he asked, peering across the tap ae the newspaper at them.

  “If ye say so.  Keep gaun.”

  “‘Sergeant Thompson, the local polis sergeant, said that everything is being done tae recover the stolen money and anywan wae any information should contact their local polis office.’”

  “Look, Ah’m gonnae hiv tae go. Ah need tae make sure Johnboy is still in the hoose. He’s goat gate fever since Ah telt him he’s no getting oot until Tuesday. See ye, Da. See ye, Maw. Ah’ll be roond oan Friday tae make sure everything’s ready fur the bash oan Saturday night,” Helen said, as she heided fur the door.