Paranoiac (13 page)

Journal Entry Twenty Two

I was sitting
in my study inside of my lovely little house. Holding a phone to my
ear, Molly’s voice was speeding along on the other side. She was
talking about her journeys, talking about how she was finally ready
to come home, settle down and start a new life. Again, I was
shocked at how surreal all of this was. I faintly remember this
happening though it was only a week ago.

She was finally done with what she called,
finding herself.
Molly was telling me she didn’t need
help getting her plane tickets home. It seemed like a normal
conversation but I felt irked, like she was a bit distant from me.
She never had a problem with me paying all of her expenses and she
really didn’t have a problem asking me for money. I had no
attachment to money, I didn’t want it or need it. I would be happy
with a small boxed in apartment living off of canned beans as long
as I could write and drink. Molly was one of the only people in my
life I cared about and giving those people money made no difference
to me. She was the only person who gladly accepted the money and
didn’t make a big deal out of paying me back. But truth be told I
would give her every dime if she asked for it.

I was eager to
see her in person again. We hadn’t seen each other since we
graduated college. Of course we had been talking constantly and she
was always writing me those amazing hand-written letters but she
never came back home to visit. As I sat in my leather lounge chair
I quivered with excitement. Not only had I just finished my fourth
best-selling novel but Molly was coming home! She told me that she
had so much to tell me about her adventures. Then, out of nowhere
and unexpectedly she teased me with a surprise announcement. It was
strange hearing her so excited and happy like this.

My heart
fluttered in my chest, I felt like I knew what the surprise was. I
didn’t want to get my hopes up or assume anything but I couldn’t
help myself. “Molly, you have to let me throw you a party for when
you come back to the states! I’ll invite our friends from college
and we can go to my vacation home.”

I could hear
her hesitating, sensing it. That made me feel so uncomfortable. It
made me feel exactly like when I tried to kiss her at that party.
Finally she answered, “Sure Zac, that sounds great. I can’t wait to
see everyone again. It will be way easier for me to tell everyone
the big surprise all at once.”

There was an
awkward silence after that. I wondered what her surprise was. A
million times I fantasized about her telling me she loved me while
jumping dramatically in my arms as I met her at the airport. “What
time do you need me to pick you up Molls?” I asked
eagerly.

I heard her
laughing on the other end of the phone as she muttered quietly to
someone else, “No Isaac, don’t worry about it. I’ll just meet you
at the party. Just text me the date and address and I’ll see you
then!” Again she sounded disconnected and awkward.

“
Well, okay. I’ll see you then I guess.” There was another long
silence, followed by her laughing in the background.

“
I
can’t wait to see you Zac, but I’ve got to go. I’m going to be late
to my dinner reservation.” She shifted around, laughed playfully
and the connection ended. I was sitting in my chair, looking around
the room, at how alone I was. At how empty I was. I felt so
disconnected from her now. She felt different and more independent
but I’m sure it’s because she was busy. The moment she would come
to the party and started to chat with me, everything would go back
to normal again.

I felt heavy
with how lonely I was in my dark little room. Even though I was
excited for her return, it felt so far away. Why couldn’t it be
right now? I wanted to see her so bad. Looking around the muted
room, my heart was racing. The only thing I could do to distract
myself was to plan the party. I snatched up my phone, pulled out my
address book and started searching for people to invite. Trying not
to obsess over her big announcement, my brain however kept
conjuring ridiculous, grandiose scenarios. All of these fantasies
ended up in us together or her taking me around the world. She
would show me everything from her travels and we would live out our
days happily together. I tried so hard not to work myself up. My
exaggerated delusions of her teased revelation wouldn’t be as
fantastical as I romanticized.

I started to
dial the first number on my list of close friends from college and
I felt the tug around my torso. It was stronger this time, like my
body was torn and twisted. My head whipped back, the room around me
zoomed out of sight and I painfully landed onto a cold, tiled
floor. The palms of my hands pinpricked with pain. I winced from
the burning ache in my knees as I stood up. Looking around the
lobby, I sighed when I realized the journal had brought me to the
vacation home I inherited. Soft music was echoing around the room.
This place was so haunting. I was completely alone and the house
around me seemed to be completely still.

Journal Entry Twenty Three

I
looked down
at the red
cup
on
the floor, foamy beer was dribbling everywhere. I was drunk and no
one was here. Why wasn’t anyone here? Why wasn’t Molly here?
Feverish thoughts of doubt jetted anxiety through my veins as I
paced around the lobby. I spent an entire week procuring alcohol
and other intoxicants. And I cleaned the entirety of the mansion
with my own hands, preparing every room with care. Buying tons of
food, I even prepared most of the hors d'oeuvres myself. I made
sure everything was in place and perfect, hoping to make a weekend
out of this little party. Yet still I glared at my watch, noting
that it was already 10:00pm. “Everyone was supposed to be here an
hour and a half ago,” I complained while cleaning up the nasty,
flat beer from the tile. “This is so pathetic, I should have known
this was going to happen,” I said, soon eating my words as the
doorbell rang.

I clumsily
slipped on the slick floor running to my first guest, begging for
it to be Molly. Taking a deep breath, I straightened my twisted
jacket and gently opened the door. The door glided open and I
forced a fake smile on my face when I saw my old acquaintance,
Senter. He was tall blond and fit. “Long time no see man!” He said
a little too loudly, hugging me before I could even react. He had
been a law major back when we were in college and by the looks of
his car, money was the last of his problems. “Well, are you going
to show me where the drinks are? I’m dying of thirst!” He
proclaimed even louder as he let himself in and walked towards the
living room before I could show him the way. Senter had been like
this ever since Molly introduced us. He always just kind of did
whatever he wanted. He was brought up like me, wealthy and
unapologetically so. But unlike me, he grew up with that aura of
selfishness and entitlement.

Another hour
or so went by and most of my guests were lounging in the houses'
main kitchen, making small talk. The first to arrive after Senter
were Vince and Rosanna who were both well-known writers like
myself. Vince was the oldest of us all. He was six-feet tall, black
and had once been a wall of muscle. Now he was a balding, chubby,
tired looking piece of furniture. He and I had met in college, he
had been in several of my English classes. Most of the kids my age
avoided him like he was some kind of leper. I figured it was
because he was so much older than us but later I found out he used
to be a cop. Apparently after having a few kids with his ex-wife he
quit the force and decided to go back to college. It couldn’t have
been because he needed the money since he chose to become a writer.
Unlucky for him, when he was a semester away from graduating his
wife left him. If I remember correctly she found somebody who had a
little more zeros attached to the end in their bank
account.

Vince was
completely miserable until he published his first of many books. He
made out like a bandit after writing a very popular series of crime
novels. Rosanna was a petite thirty something who met Vince through
me and some other writers. Most of us used to get together at
conventions or dinner parties so we could network and brown nose.
Most of the time we were sucking up to critics, publishers and
anyone else that could get our foot farther into the door.
Honestly, Rosanna and Vince’s relationship confused me. They seemed
almost platonic around each other and barely spoke in public. They
were complete opposites. Vince wrote violent crime novels and
Rosanna, at one time, had been a journalist for Greenpeace. She
eventually quit her job to write informative, anti-violence and
pro-environment novels. Opposites attract, I guessed.

Then there was Josie and Hanna, the youngest of us all. They
were on the cusp of turning thirty and were freshly married. They
had that annoying energy of success and love. Hannah was pale like
white marble with strawberry blonde hair. She dressed like a punk
but spoke with a vocabulary that would give any English professor a
sticky, wet dream. Josie was a work of art, with her long legs,
multi-ethnic skin and sapphire eyes. She had a husky voice and a
sense of humor that could keep a party going for days. Thankfully,
that included this one. To this day I have no idea how either of
them met, they’ve just always been
Hanna and Josie
.

Molly and I
met Josie and Hanna when we took a few art classes to finish off
some elective credits. They were popular, even back then. They were
the type of people who came into this world knowing exactly what to
do and how to do it, successfully. Both of them only lasted a few
semesters in college and dropped out when they realized going to
school for art was pointless. They figured the internet could help
them with anything they wanted to learn. Naturally, not even a year
later their collaborative paintings were in galleries across the
US. Now, money was the last thing they had to worry
about.

Even though
the party commenced, I was so preoccupied with Molly’s return that
I was neglecting my guests, slightly hidden in the shadows of the
hallway that lead out of the kitchen. I was watching everyone as
they mingled, smiling at each other’s jokes and stories; I couldn’t
tell if they were all being sincere to one another or if they were
actually amused. One thing was for sure though, what Hanna and
Josie had was completely genuine. Staring at them, I wanted to have
what they had. Even the day I met them, I couldn’t help but be
envious. I hoped Molly and I could have that someday. My jealousy
started to bubble up but then I was distracted as Amy and James
made their way into the kitchen.

“
Hey Isaac, sorry, we let ourselves in. We were knocking on the
door but nobody answered,” Amy said with a blushing
smile.

Senter greeted
them with ear-stabbing excitement. Amy, James and I all winced at
the same time as I led them into the kitchen. “Well, I’m sure it
wasn’t hard to hear where we were,” I said sarcastically with a
smirking smile. Amy giggled and James smiled robotically. “Well,
you guys go ahead and get comfortable. Drinks are on the bar and on
the table next to the bay windows.” I guided them after giving Amy
a hug and James an awkward, clammy handshake.

Just like
Josie, Hanna, Vince, Senter and Molly, I met Amy and James in
college. Amy was the only other person I got along with besides
Molly. She was about five-feet tall, maybe even shorter. She was a
natural brunette but it was dyed blood-red. Her brother James
wasn’t very tall either, for a guy that is. He had the same hair
color as Amy minus the cheap dye. It was long, shiny and pulled
into a ponytail.

James and Amy
were inseparable. Their life was a story pulled from straight from
the Grimm Fairytales. They were orphaned at a young age and abused
as they passed from foster home to foster home. As soon as James
turned eighteen he piggybacked three jobs and supported Amy in a
small shabby place of their own. Auspiciously they were both
brilliant enough to earn a free ride in college, where I had met
them. Soon after we met I started dating Amy but only for a short
time. We were doomed to fail from the start though. I was raised in
a wealthy family and she was barely scrapping at the bottom.
Unintentionally I was always embarrassing her, making her feel
uncomfortable by purchasing her expensive gifts. The truth is that
I was trying to give her and James a better life with the money I
hated.

I wanted to
get rid of the money and was shocked when they didn’t take it. My
guess was that people who have never been poor could never
understand the pride in making the money on their own. In the end
however, James was the real problem. He was obsessively controlling
of Amy's every move. Always there, we could never have any intimate
moments. Not to mention she told him every detail about our
relationship. Even my private past and morally ambiguous thoughts
on life, which made James trust me even less. Inevitably we broke
up, soon after I met Molly, and our relationship faded
away.

Amy went on to
become a biologist. She works for an independent contractor where
she is trying to create a new fuel source using algae. James is a
concert violinist and still lives with his sister. I don’t think
either of them have dated since Amy and I. They look happy though,
very actually. Amy turned and smiled at me, like she had a secret
and then looked back at Josie who was telling some story. I stared
at Amy for a bit longer and remembered why I wrote her out of my
life. There was a reason why I banished our relationship from my
own personal history. Even though we had imploded, it was still
with passion. I was afraid that if we stayed in each other’s life,
Molly wouldn’t matter to me as much as she does. A part of me
thinks it was just another way for me to screw myself over. It is
merely another way to turn me into a blubbering martyr who couldn’t
survive without my self-loathing, pining.