Paradox Love: Paradox Love Book 1 (14 page)

But you know what else?  I remember love.  I remember joy.  I remember the wind in my face.  I remember being carefree.  I remember feeling completely whole in my happiness.  I remember living for the moment, because that’s all that there was.”

Gabe swallowed.  He was tempted to look away from her face.  It was tough to take the intensity of her words.  He could feel them enter his being.  He wanted to honor that, to take whatever she needed to release, and so he kept his gaze locked with hers.

“I remember that those moments of joy were tiny flickers in the dark.  I remember years spent living only for the possibility that I might have another moment like that.  And it sounds crazy, I’m sure, that anyone would go back, risking years and years of nothingness.  Or years and years of worse than that.  But you know what?  I’d do it all over again for a chance to have just one more moment.”

She kept talking, blinking through the tears that rolled down her face.

“I get it, okay?  There are important things going on here, too.  But I’m immortal, right?”

“Of course you are.”

“And you’re immortal.”

“Yes.”

“Everyone in Castellans is immortal?”

“Yes.”

“Then we’ve got an eternity to work out whatever it is we’re going to have work out.  Back on Earth, there’s not that much time.  And for the rest of my existence, I’m quite certain that these precious few moments I spend with Luke will be the highlight of my forever.  Assessments can wait.  I have to go back.”

There was a silence between them as Grace wiped the tears from her face.  The pause in discussion was needed.  It gave him time to think.

“Grace, I don’t want to influence your decisions.  I’ve never tried to do that.”

“I know.”

“You wanted to go back and I made that happen for you.”

“You did.  And I will always be grateful.”

“If I could, I’d help you go back a hundred times.  A thousand times.”

He was failing.  He’d rehearsed this conversation in his mind over and over and he was failing.  Grace was immoveable.  He had no choice but to draw the line.  Nothing else was working. 

“I can’t do it again.  I can’t help you go back.”

She wasn’t expecting that.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I can’t do it again.”

“But you never told me there was a limit.  You didn’t tell me that I only had so much time.”

“No, not in so many words.  But we did discuss that when your attachment had decreased enough so that the pain was gone, you would be ready to move on.”

“You never said I was bound by that.  It’s true, the pain is gone.  It’s completely gone.  But the relief of being free of it is not what I expected at all.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know exactly.  I thought I’d feel differently.  I thought that once that crushing feeling was gone, the attachment would be also.  I thought I’d be ready to let go and move on.”

“And?”

“And I’m not.  I’m not.  I’m not.  I’m not.”

“I’m sorry.”

A sudden rush of panic seemed to hijack Grace’s breathing.  Luke wasn’t going to be there much longer.  She had to get back.

“You have to let me go.”  She was still under control but on her way to losing it.

“I can’t.  I’m sorry.  I can’t.”

She was used to getting her way with him.  In the past, she would persist and he would give in.  This was different.  And she sensed that she would not win the argument.  She knew that Gabe would not be denying her if he had a choice.  It only made her panic rise.               

She rose from her chair, promptly left his office and sprinted toward the end of the corridor, to the illusion room, the room of transference.  There was no light peeking through the trim, no indication of anything special existing behind that door.  She reached for the knob and noticed that for the first time, there was a keyhole.  It hadn’t been there before.  She tried to turn the knob.  Locked.  Of course.  Free will?  This was free will?  A lock on the door?

Gabe didn’t move to watch her, but he knew exactly what she was doing.  He knew exactly what she was thinking.  He had a constriction in his own chest as he waited for her return.  It wasn’t right.

Grace turned back towards Gabe’s office.  Every door was closed.  She went to each and every one of them, testing the locks.  All locked.  That in itself was a metaphor like a punch in the face.  The opposite of free will.  She reentered Gabe’s office.

“This is bullshit.”

“I’m sorry, Grace.”

“How many of us are on Castellans?  How many live here?

“One million souls.”

“One million?”

It didn’t seem possible.  The place seemed so small.  Where were they all?

“Yes, one million.”

“Then there has to be somebody else I can talk to.”

Nothing had gone as rehearsed.  She wasn’t giving up without a fight.

“That’s not how it usually works,” he replied.

“Oh, here we go again.  What about my supreme right?  You keep talking about it.  Is it some sort of selective right?  Free will, but only when it’s convenient?  Only when it’s easy?”

It was clear that he was uncomfortable.  She felt a twinge of regret for her attitude.  But not enough regret to turn it off.  Luke could be gone at any moment, any second. 

“No, that’s not it at all,” his voice was quieter than it had been.  “It’s just that this isn’t the way it usually goes.  People don’t usually hang out here in the receiving corridor.  They’re usually ready to move on as soon as they arrive.  There’s a lot to look forward to, Grace.”

She took a deep breath.  “I know.  I know.  But like I said, eternity.  I’ve got all the time in the world.”

It was all unraveling.  He was failing.

“Grace, I want to tell you one more thing.”

“I don’t want to hear anything that you think is going to make me change my mind.”

He tried to ignore what she’d just said.

“We’re friends, aren’t we Grace?”

“Of course.”

“So in a friendship, you say what you need to say and I say what I need to say.  It’s give and take.”

Why did he look so deflated?

“Yes.  Yes, it is give and take.”

“So I want to tell you one more thing.”

“Okay then.”

He sat back in his chair and rested his hands together.

“I know Earth is an amazing place.  I know it’s a terrible place.  I know it, because I’ve been there, too, many times.  You remember what it’s like on Earth to hear news about a child dying?  About someone being taken away too soon?  About how tragic it is that they don’t have a chance to experience a full life?”

She was breathing more slowly now, listening.

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, I agree it’s a tragic thing, from an
Earth consciousness perspective
.  From anyone existing in Earth consciousness, it’s a travesty, an injustice.  It makes you question everything.  Makes you doubt the existence of goodness in the world.

“Yes.”

“And that’s your perspective right now, Grace.  Because you’re still in Earth consciousness.  But what if I were to ask you to set that aside for a moment and listen to what I want to tell you now?”

“I can do that.”

“Okay.  A soul on Castellans, a soul who has gone through their assessment and moved on to their retreat to rejoin their soul mates on Castellans is in no hurry to return to Earth.  You following?”

“Yes.”

“We don’t have murder here.  We don’t have abuse.  We don’t have hunger.  We leave Castellans only because we must.  The reasons don’t matter for what I’m trying to say.  But nobody likes leaving, to put it lightly.  Now, imagine a soul of Castellans receiving an assignment to travel to Earth for a time, to experience life as a human, subject to both the good and the bad that world offers.  Would you be surprised if that citizen of Castellans asked that they not have to stay there one moment longer than was absolutely necessary?”

“No, I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise at all.  I mean, it makes sense.”

“Yes, it does.  Now, what if I were to tell you that you were one such citizen of Castellans?  That you asked to return the moment it was no longer necessary for you to remain on Earth?”

Once again, he was testing the boundaries, stretching the limits of what he could or should say.  But this would have to be it.  He could sense that he’d nearly crossed the line.

She didn’t respond right away.  There was some comfort in that.  He prayed that it was because she was truly contemplating the words he’d just spoken.  Inwardly he was pleading, “Come on, Grace.”

“What if you asked to come home in your seventeenth year of life on Earth, because you’d accomplished what you’d needed to and you didn’t want to stay a single day more that you had to?”

Another quiet moment passed before she was ready to answer.

“I’d say I believe you.”

He tried to restrain his relief.

“I’d say that makes total sense.  And I understand it.  And I’m glad my wishes were honored.”

There seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel.  He wanted to see if he could get her moving in the right direction.  But she was talking again.

“I’m sure that’s exactly what I said.  I’m sure that’s exactly what I felt.  And I’m absolutely sure that I never counted on meeting someone like Luke, either.”

That was it.  He knew then that there was no way to finesse this, no way sway her, nothing else he could say.  And she was still talking.

“I guess what I’m saying is that nothing I said before I was born as Grace matters to me anymore.  My reality is the life I lived.  My reality is the love that I found.  My reality is that I died too soon.  I know it’s possible for me to go back, because you showed me that it was.  And because I know it’s possible, I’m doing it again.  I’m going to find him, before it’s too late.  I know the time is short.  I can feel it.  So let me go back, Gabe.”

“I can’t do it,” Grace.

“You can’t or you won’t?”

He did not respond.

“I’m not leaving your office, Gabe.  Not until you give me the key to that door.  I’m not leaving.”

“I don’t have the key.”

“Who has it?”

“Abigail.”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

As promised, Grace camped out in Gabe’s office, refusing to accept anything less than the transference room key being placed in her hand.  When she realized Gabe would not budge, she asked to meet with Abigail.  Abigail agreed. 

Abigail had praised Gabe for his steadfastness, assuring him that all that was left to do was wait.  Sooner or later, Grace would have to accept the inevitability of her situation. 

Gabe led her into Council Chambers and made the introduction, for Grace’s benefit.  She was the only one in the room incapable of remembering their shared history.

Abigail gestured solely with her eyes, summoning a sweet, yet subtle sea breeze to travel through the room.  Grace inhaled and was instantly and profoundly calmed.  A fleeting smile appeared on Abigail’s face in recognition.  Then she looked to Gabe.  She knew he wanted to stay, but her eyes told him he would not be allowed.  He left the room quietly.

Abigail motioned for Grace to take a seat.  They sat facing one another in large, comfortable chairs.  There was a quality about Abigail that intimidated Grace and she knew she was not going to be as assertive as she’d planned. 

Abigail was regal in appearance, stunning in beauty.  There was an undeniable wisdom, accompanied by a genuine warmth.  Grace wondered whether the Council of Five was considered royalty on Castellans. 

Abigail’s hair was as white as ice, flowing down her back to her waist.  Her eyes were a silvery color, with a reflective quality that made them look like mirrors.  When she looked at you, you saw two tiny versions of yourself in them.  It took some getting used to.  She wore an intricate gown, adorned with sparkling silver and white flecks.  She had the look and demeanor of a winter goddess.

Grace took note of her own apparel.  It was always the same here.  Clean, white exquisitely comfortable pajamas and no socks.  There was quite a contrast between her own appearance and Abigail’s.  She was as a pauper sitting before a queen. 

Grace had been correct in assuming that Abigail could read her thoughts.  But it was not some strange telepathic talent that made it possible.  It was merely the fact that Abigail had known her for so long.

“You prefer them,” Abigail said with a smile.

“What?”

“Pajamas.  You prefer pajamas.” 

Grace looked down at her clothing and then again to Abigail’s dress.

“I prefer dresses, Grace.  You prefer pajamas.  That is all it is.”

And then before a response might come, Abigail stood up and spun slowly.  When she came full circle, she too, was dressed in pajamas.  She retook her seat and smiled.

“Better?”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s a nice change, actually.  And now we can speak without that distraction.  I am Abigail.”

“Yes, the Senior Chancellor.”

“That’s not really how I think of myself.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s a fancy title, don’t you think?”

“Well, I’m sure it’s well deserved.”

“Not at all.”

“I don’t understand.”

“A fancy name for a simple circumstance.”

Grace waited for the explanation.

“I’m just the one with the most experience.”

“What kind of experience?”

“Life.  Life experience is how we learn, how we grow.  I’ve just had more of it than everyone else.”

“Then the title is deserved, isn’t it?”

“It’s just an identifier, Grace.  I have not always been Senior Chancellor.  I have not always been on the Council of Five.  Others have been Senior many times.  There is an ebb and flow.  We all progress.”

“So of the million souls on Castellans, you have the most life experience?”

“At the moment, that’s right.”

Grace had a new respect for Abigail already.  She knew what it was like being at the top of the class. 

“What does it feel like, to hold that position?”  She couldn’t help herself.

“It doesn’t feel like anything.” 

Abigail sensed Grace’s disappointment in her response. 

“They don’t throw me parades or anything.”

That one earned a smile.

“Grace, all it means is that there’s a chance I might have some good advice for someone who asks.  That’s the main thing.  And with experience comes an abiding desire to protect and care for the citizens of Castellans.  The Council of Five exists for that purpose.”

“I see.” 

It was clear that Castellans was a society of caring souls and that everyone was in it together.  Grace wondered whether they’d judged her to be some kind of spoiled child, a foolish child.  There was no word to describe the sheer idiocy of refusing the future that awaited her.  To counter the thoughts, she kept reminding herself that she had forever.

“So if you have the most experience, who’s at the other end?  Who’s on the bottom?”

“Well, being, ‘on the bottom,’ so to speak, and having the least experience are actually quite different circumstances.”

“How is that?”

“A soul with the least experience may not be, ‘on the bottom,’ because a soul with greater experience may have regressed.”

“Regressed?”

“Yes.  Regression is a step back, for lack of a better description.”

“And why would someone regress?”

“A soul regresses only by the willful act of denying the free will of another soul.”

“So it’s some kind of punishment.”

“Not at all.”

“Sounds like it is.”

“It is actually the fairest and most pure form of justice that exists.  If you impinge upon the free will of another, you must reconcile the injustice by being subject to more life experience.  And there is no mystery in the law, so you cannot be punished unfairly.  That is what makes it a willful offense.”

“I think I understand.”

“And as you know, Grace, life experience comes with its share of suffering.”

Yes, she knew that very well.

“It is the price to be paid.  Yet no one can sentence you to punishment but yourself.  What could be more fair than that?”

“Yes, it does make sense.  So you then would be the one with the most experience as well as the fewest regressions.”

“Precisely.” 

And as Grace was acknowledging the response with a nod, it dawned on her that this conversation was nothing like she’d planned it to be.  She’d planned to lead it.  She was following.  She was developing a fascination with Castellans, its people and its social structure, but it was time to set aside that distraction. 

“So, that leads me to another question,” she looked up to see the glare of her white pajamas shining back at her from Abigail’s eyes.

“Yes?”

“What about my free will?  I want to go back to Earth and Gabe won’t let me.  That sounds like a pretty clear cut case of denying me my free will, doesn’t it?”

“Not so much.”

“Why not?”

“Well for one thing, at the moment, you are not a citizen of Castellans.”

“What do you mean?  I’m here.  I’m not there.”

“You’ve been received on Castellans.  You’ve met your counselor and he’s explained the process.  Until you go to your assessment, you’re in Earth consciousness.  So in that way, you’re more a citizen of Earth than you are Castellans.  Here, you remain a guest.  To claim your citizenship, you must go to your assessment. 

And as to honoring your supreme right, you’ve been allowed to return to Earth not once, not twice, but three times.  I’d say you’ve been quite successful in asserting your free will, wouldn’t you?”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way.  I mean, I guess I have.  I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but have I reached some sort of limit?  It would mean a lot to me to go back one more time.”

“That won’t be possible, Grace.”

“I’m sorry, but that makes no sense.  It seems very arbitrary.”

“Actually, it’s quite the opposite, a precise measurement in terms of what is possible.  You’ve been given all that is available to give.  Gabe has honored his commitment as your counselor.  It is a duty he does not take lightly.  In fact, you’re lucky to have him.  I’d say he’s the best we’ve got.  He likes to give people second chances.  But it’s time to grow up a little bit.  Time to leave playtime and graduate.”

There had to be a way around this.  Grace felt inadequate in her ability to make a convincing argument.  It was Abigail’s thousands of years of life experience against her measly seventeen.  This was not a fair fight.

“Gabe told me he did not have the key to the transference room.  He said that you had it.”

“That’s right.”

“But you won’t give it to me.”

“That’s right.”

“So in Castellans, the land of the supreme right of free will, I’m being told no?”

“You are.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Not at all.”

“Tell me why.  Tell me everything, so that I’ll understand.”

“No, Grace, I won’t do that.  You are a product of Earth consciousness at this point in time.  You want what you want.  That is human nature.  And here on Castellans, knowledge is earned.  It is earned when you let go of Earth consciousness and who you think you are.  It is earned when you shed that façade and walk through the doors to your assessment to retake your place as a citizen of Castellans.”

Abigail was a brick wall.  A giant brick wall.  There seemed no way to penetrate it. 

“Does that mean you won’t be answering anymore of my questions?”

“I will answer those that I can.”

It was time to see if Abigail had a heart behind that wall.

“Are soul mates real?”

“Yes.”

“Do I have one?”

“You have one million, if you include yourself.”

“Everyone living on Castellans is my soul mate?”

“By the purest definition, yes.”

“That’s not how I’ve ever thought of a soul mate.”

“I know, Grace.  Coming from Earth, you would see it from a romantic perspective only.  And it can be romantic, certainly.  But on Castellans, we know our soul mates as all of those who were birthed as we were birthed, together in one extraordinary and miraculous event.”

“Which event?”

“The death of the star for which we are named, Castellans.”

“We – the citizens of Castellans were born from the death of a star?”

“Yes.  Every star that ever was or will be is impregnated with the energy of new souls.  They are cultivated within that star, grown and protected in that womb until the final moment of that star’s life.  In that bittersweet moment, the star gives its life and explodes forth to release those souls. 

Our planet was Castellans and we are its children.  I know how it sounds.  I know that on Earth, they call this science fiction.  But here we call it life,” she ended with a smile.

“So has every star that’s ever died in the history of the universe given birth to a million souls?”

“Every one.”

“And so when Gabe talked about levels, what he meant are these other worlds, planets that have given birth to a society of souls?”

“Very good.”

“And because some are new worlds and some are ancient worlds, they are at different ‘levels’ of advancement?”

“Yes.  It seems like you are remembering what you already know, Grace, rather than learning this for the first time.”

She didn’t want to admit it, but there was some truth to that.  As strange as it all sounded, she didn’t question what Abigail was saying.  In fact, there was no logic within her that resisted what was being said.  She believed every word.

“So one million soul mates?”

“In the most important sense, yes.”

“And among those, are there romantic soul mates?”

“At its most base description, you could call it that.”

“And does everyone have one, a romantic soul mate?”

“No.”

That was a sad bit of information. 

“Why not?”

“Not everyone wants one.  And a soul mate, the way you’ve got it in mind, is a very narrow definition.”

Grace stopped for a moment to think.  And for the first time, the slightest acknowledgement of defeat was bearing upon her.  Abigail watched with both relief and sympathy.

Then Grace looked up again and this time saw her own welling eyes reflected in Abigail’s.

“Luke lives on another world.”

“Yes.”

Abigail was anticipating the next question even as Grace continued.

“So there’s no way he could be my soul mate?”

Abigail was not quick to answer this time.  Grace sank into her chair.

“Not a soul mate as would be understood by a citizen of
Castellans
.”