Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha (27 page)

—My mam’s in the hop-sital.

He didn’t talk like that now. He was better at it.

She was in bed when we came home. We came home on the bus, two buses, with our uncle.

I kept watch. I listened.

 

—They had a party, I told Kevin.—After the funeral. In the house. Singing and all.

 

I went to the shops for Henno to get him two cakes for his lunch.

—A packet of Mikado if she’s no cakes left.

He said I could have a ha’penny out of the change for doing the message so I got a gobstopper with it. I showed it to Kevin under the desk. I wished I’d bought something different now, something I could have shared with Kevin.

When Henno told us to go asleep Kevin dared me to eat the gobstopper without being caught. If I took it out of my mouth because Henno could hear noises or he was coming down to check our copies, if I chickened, I’d have to give the rest of the gobstopper to Kevin. All he’d have to do was run cold water from the tap over it.

Henno went out to talk to James O‘Keefe’s ma just after I put the gobstopper into my mouth. Missis O’Keefe was shouting. Henno warned us and shut the door. We could still hear her. James O‘Keefe wasn’t in school. I sucked like mad. She said that Henno was always picking on James O’Keefe. I made the gobstopper go round and round, rubbing it off my cheeks but mostly the roof of my mouth and my tongue. It got smoother. I couldn’t take it out of my mouth. I got Ian McEvoy to look; I opened my mouth: the gobstopper was white. I’d licked the outside off it. He was every bit as intelligent as the other boys, she told Henno. She knew some of them and they were nothing to write home about. Henno opened the door and warned us again. Calm down now, Missis O‘Keefe, we heard him saying. Then he was gone. There were no more voices outside. He’d gone somewhere with Missis O’Keefe. We started laughing because everybody was watching me trying to eat the gobstopper. They kept saying He’s coming and pretending that he was but I didn’t fall for it. He was gone for ages. When he opened the door the gobstopper was small enough to swallow if I had to. I’d won. I looked at Henno’s face and swallowed it. I had to push hard; my throat was sore for ages after it. Henno was real nice for the rest of the day. He brought us out to the pitch and showed us how to solo the ball. My tongue was pink.

 

They were fighting all the time now. They said nothing but it was a fight. The way he folded his paper and snapped it, he was saying something. The way she got up when one of the girls was crying upstairs, sighed and stooped, wanting him to see that she was tired. It was happening. They probably thought they were hiding it.

I didn’t understand. She was lovely. He was nice. They had four children. I was one of them, the oldest. The man of the house when my da wasn’t there. She held onto us for longer, gripped us and looked over us at the floor or the ceiling. She didn’t notice me trying to push away; I was too old for that. In front of Sinbad. I still loved her smell. But she wasn’t cuddling us; she was hanging on to us.

He waited before he answered, always he did, pretended he hadn’t heard anything. She was always the one that tried to make them talk. He’d answer just when I thought she’d have to ask again, to change her voice, make it sound angry. It was agony waiting for him.

—Paddy?

—What?

—Did you not hear me?

—Hear what?

—You heard me.

—Heard what?

She stopped. We were listening; she saw us. He thought he’d won; I thought he did.

 

—Sinbad?

He didn’t answer. He wasn’t asleep though; I knew the breathing.

—Sinbad.

I could hear him listening. I didn’t move. I didn’t want him to think that I was going to get him.

—Sinbad?—Francis.

—What?

I thought of something.

—Do you not like being called Sinbad?

—No.

—Okay.

I said nothing for a bit. I heard him change, move nearer the wall.

—Francis?

—What?

—Can you hear them?

He didn’t give an answer.

—Can you hear them? Francis?

—Yeah.

That was all. I knew he wouldn’t say any more. We listened to the sharp mumbles coming up from downstairs. We did, not just me. We listened for a long time. The silences were worst, waiting for it to start again, or louder. A door sort of slammed; the back door—I heard the glass shake.

—Francis?

—What?

—That’s what it’s like every night.

He said nothing.

—It’s like that every night, I said.

Breath came out sharp between his lips. He did that a lot since his lips had been burnt.

—It’s only talking, he said.

—It’s not.

—It is.

—It’s not; they’re shouting.

—No, they aren’t.

—They are, I said. -Quietly.

I listened for proof. There was nothing.

—They’ve stopped, he said.—They weren’t.

He sounded happy and nervous.

—They’ll do it again tomorrow.

—No, they won’t, he said.—They were only talking, about things.

I watched him putting on his trousers. He always brought the zip up before he did the button at the top and it took him ages, but his face never changed. He stared down at his hands and made two chins. And he forgot about his shirt and his vest, so he had to do it all over again. I wanted to go over and help him, but I didn’t. One move and he’d change; he’d back away, turn sideways and moan.

—The button should be first, I told him.—At the top. Do it first.

I just said it in a normal voice.

He kept doing what he’d been doing. The radio downstairs sounded nice; the voices.

—Francis, I said.

He had to look at me. I was going to look after him.

—Francis.

He held the two sides of the front of his trousers.

—Why are you calling me Francis? he said.

—Cos Francis is your name, I said.

His face said nothing.

—It’s your real name, I said.—You don’t like being called Sinbad.

He put the sides into one of his hands and did the zip with the other, still the old way. It annoyed me. It was just stupid.

—Sure you don’t? I said.

My voice was still just normal.

—Leave me alone, he said.

—Why? I said.

He said nothing.

I tried a different way.

—Do you not want me to call you Francis?

—Leave me alone, he said.

I gave up.

—Sinnnn-badd—!

—I’ll tell Ma.

—She won’t care, I said.

He said nothing.

—She won’t care, I said again.

I waited for him to say Why not. I was going to get him. He didn’t. He said nothing. He turned sideways and got his trousers done.

I didn’t hit him.

—She won’t care, I said when I was opening the bedroom door. I tried again.

—Francis.

He wouldn’t look at me. He hid himself in his jumper when he was putting it on.

 

—I kneed you, I said, and I gave him a dead leg.

He collapsed before he understood the pain, straight down like something heavy. I’d done it and seen it done so often it wasn’t funny any more. It was just an excuse; pretending that hurting someone was for a joke. I didn’t even know his name. He was too small to have one. His scream died out once he knew there was nothing else going to happen.

The other one was getting your finger and digging it into someone’s ribs real hard, like a knife, twisting it and saying, Am I boring you? It was new, in school on Monday after the weekend. You couldn’t relax. Your best friend could get you: it was a joke. Or grabbing one of your diddies and saying, Whistle. Some fellas tried to whistle. Sinbad got a pulled diddy and a dead leg at the same time. Everyone got it done to them, except Charles Leavy.

Charles Leavy didn’t do it to anybody. That was weird. Charles Leavy could have made us all line up, like Henno on a Friday morning, and kneed all our legs dead. You wanted to show off in front of Charles Leavy. You wanted to say bad words. You wanted him to look at you the proper way.

They said nothing for long bits but that wasn’t bad; they were watching the television or reading, or my ma was doing a hard bit of knitting. It didn’t make me nervous; their faces were okay.

My ma said a thing during The Virginian.

—What did we see him in before?

My da liked The Virginian. He didn’t pretend he wasn’t watching.

—I think, he said,—I’m not sure; something though.

Sinbad couldn’t say Virginian properly. He didn’t know what it meant either, why they called him the Virginian. I did.

—He comes from Virginia.

—That’s right, said my da.—Where do The Dubliners come from, Francis?

—Dublin, said Sinbad.

—Good man.

Da nudged me. I did it back, with my knee against his leg. I was sitting on the floor beside his chair. Ma asked him did he want any tea during the ads. He said No, then he changed his mind and shouted in Yes.

They always talked during The News; they talked about the news. Sometimes it wasn’t really talk, not conversation, just comments.

—Bloody eejit.

—Yes.

I was able to tell when my da was going to call someone a bloody eejit; his chair creaked. It was always a man and he was always saying something to an interviewer.

—Who asked him?

The interviewer had asked him but I knew what my da meant. Sometimes I got there before him.

—Bloody eejit.

—Good man, Patrick.

My ma didn’t mind me saying Bloody when The News was on. The News was boring but sometimes I watched it properly, all of it. I thought that the Americans were fighting gorillas in Vietnam; that was what it sounded like. But it didn’t make any other kind of sense. The Israelis were always fighting the Arabs and the Americans were fighting the gorillas. It was nice that the gorillas had a country of their own, not like the zoo, and the Americans were killing them for it. There were Americans getting killed as well. They were surrounded and the war was nearly over. They had helicopters. Mekong Delta. Demilitarised zone. Tet Offensive. The gorillas in the zoo didn’t look like they’d be hard to beat in a war. They were nice and old looking, brainy looking, and their hair was dirty. Their arms were brilliant; I’d have loved arms like that. I’d never been on the roof. Kevin had, and his da had killed him when he found out about it when he got home, and he’d only been on the kitchen roof, the flat bit. I was up for the gorillas even though two of my uncles and aunties lived in America. I’d never seen them. They sent us ten dollars, me and Sinbad, one Christmas. I couldn’t remember what I got with my five dollars.

—I should get seven cos I’m the oldest.

And I couldn’t remember the names of the uncle and auntie who’d sent it, which ones; Brendan and Rita or Sam and Boo. I had seven cousins in America as well. Two of them were called the same as me. I didn’t care though; I was still up for the gorillas. Until I asked.

—Why are the yankees fighting the gorillas?

—What’s that?

—Why are the yankees fighting the gorillas?

—D’you hear this, Mary? Patrick wants to know why the yanks are fighting gorillas.

They didn’t laugh but it was funny, I could tell. I wanted to cry; I’d given something away. I was stupid. I hated being caught, more than anything. I hated it. That was what school was all about, not being caught and watching others getting caught instead. It was alright now though; it wasn’t school. He told me what a guerrilla was. It made sense now.

—Impossible to beat, he said.

I was still up for them, the guerrillas.

It went back to the man in the studio. Charles Mitchell.