Packed and Ready to Go (17 page)

“
Last week we looked at apartments. We found this really nice loft in Morningside Heights overlooking the Hudson River. It has two bedrooms and it’s huge by New York standards.” Crystal looked at me. “Mom, you’re too quiet.”

My heart slowed to a problematic beat. “I’m a little surprised. I didn’t know Max was looking for a job in New York.” My voice sounded distorted and heavy.

“
He’s been sending his résumés out all over the place, and so have I. Aren’t you happy for us?”

Her giddy excitement twisted my stomach.

Tears gathered in the corners of my eyes. In a tight voice, I said, “Yes baby, I’m very happy for you. Very happy.”

“
Crystal, you know how your Mom is. She’ll be weepy for a day or two but she’ll get over it. This is great.”

The waiter set the cappuccino in front of Walter. After adding a teaspoon of sugar, he sipped it.

I shot him a cold stare. He had no idea how I was going to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, and neither did I.

“
I’m a little shocked, that’s all. I had no idea you guys were considering moving away. I’m going to be fine. I’ll just come up to visit you every weekend while your father is at work.” I tried to smile, but my lips couldn’t cooperate.

During the drive back to the caterer’s office to pick up our cars, I sat in the front seat with my arms crossed over my stomach, watching life whiz by at a dizzying speed. My body screamed for the anxiety pills buried in my purse. I clamped my hands together and regulated my breathing until I got back to my car.

Walter cruised through the streets of Wilmington, catching every red light. I chewed my bottom lip as he expounded on all the wonderful museums and theaters in New York. The placating sound of his voice felt like daggers in my ears.

When he pulled into the parking lot, I released my breath.

“
Mom, see you at the soiree.” Crystal leaned across the seat and kissed me on the cheek. “You know we’ll be okay, stop looking so sad.”

“
I’ll be fine,” I whispered, not trusting my voice.

“
Don’t forget, Dad, you can’t come to the soirée.”

“
You can always come home, Walter. But you might want to stay out of the way,” I said to him as I got out of the car.

Crystal planted a kiss on his cheek. She looked at me for a long moment then jumped in her car. Walter backed out of the parking lot before I could even get into my car. I watched their tail-lights pull out of the lot. My hands shook as I fumbled for the pills in the bottom of my purse. Unbelievable sadness clutched me. I swallowed it without water, the bitter residue exploded in my mouth.

I drove home with only the sound of the wind rushing through the window. Visions of my past life flashed before me like a silent movie. Happy times with Crystal and Walter, the house bursting with smiles and laughter, teenage girls lounging around the pool, birthday parties, sleepovers, camping in the back yard. It all faded into a solid gray haze with an empty house, a distant husband, and years of nothing stretching ahead of me.

Marco’s comment about how his marriage was over long before they acknowledged the end made me wonder if Walter and I were in the same state of denial.

I walked in the house and opened the refrigerator. I grabbed a bottle of wine and filled a water glass. Leaning against the kitchen counter, I twirled the wine and contemplated my life. Maybe taking Carla’s spinning class could shift my state of mind. At least it would get me out of the house.

When the glass was empty, I set it next to the sink and swiped tears before they landed on my cheeks. On my way up the stairs I could hear Walter in his office, pounding out a message on his keyboard and talking on the phone. I started to tell him goodnight but it didn’t seem important, or necessary, and I didn’t care if his night was good or bad.

After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I climbed between the sheets. I picked up the phone and dialed Ursula’s number. When she answered I said, “Can I have an affair with Marco?”

“
Yes. Want me to call him for you?”

“
I’m serious.”

“
I know you are. You’ve been lusting after him for years, but if you’re asking the question, something else must be wrong. So what’s the matter? What did the bastard do this time?”

“
Walter didn’t do anything specific but everything in general. He’s in his own world and I’m alone in mine.”

“
Marco is the person you want in your world?”

“
He’s a good choice. He meets all the qualifications.”

“
Then give it a try. If you get caught, tell Walter it’s payback.”

“
What should I tell my father? I could go to hell for having these thoughts.” I chuckled and wondered what Walter would do if he caught me having an affair.

“
You can always repent at the last minute. Are you going to be okay tonight?”

“
Yeah. I’ll be fine,” I managed.

“
Hey, Tracy, can we talk tomorrow? Anthony just walked in.”

“
Crystal is moving to New York,” I blurted.

“
Oh no, Tracy. Are you falling apart? Want me to come over?”

“
No.” I couldn’t stop the cascade of tears. Ursula made cooing sounds but she didn’t have what I needed. “Go to Anthony,” I finally said, and hung up.

Chapter Thirteen – Walter

Every seat around the large oval table was filled. This meeting was merely a formality. I’d completed my list employees to be terminated, weeks ago. Now I only wanted to validate my assumptions. So far my instincts were right.

“
What do you think, Walter?” Thompson’s questions drew my attention back. He’d been posturing all morning, trying to secure his position. But he needed to sit down and shut up so I could end the meeting.

I rolled my thumb over the crystal of my watch, keeping my eye on the second hand. “This meeting has already run longer than I had scheduled. I have an appointment, so we’re going to have to reconvene later today.” I stood up and placed my palms on the table.

Thompson held his pencil up in the air to get my attention. “Excuse me, Walter, we need to get our numbers and names submitted to Personnel first thing tomorrow morning.”

“
I’m aware of that. So this afternoon, when we get back together, each one of you needs to come into the meeting with a list of under-performing employees. I’m not going to help you put together that list look at the employee performance reviews for the last year and compile your list. Those will be the names submitted for termination unless there are extenuating circumstances we need to discuss as a group.” I surveyed the room. “Are there any questions?”

Thompson looked dumbfounded. “I think we’re making some progress here. I’d hate to stop now. Can you postpone your meeting?” His cold stare caught me. He wanted my job. I relished the idea of being
his
boss.

“
We’ll meet back here at four. Be prepared.” I picked up my papers without addressing his question. “If you have something on your calendars this afternoon, I suggest you clear it.” I barreled out of the room. Sasha’s doctor’s appointment was in twenty minutes and the last thing I needed was to hear her whine because I was late.

I stopped at Beverly’s desk. “I’ll be out of the office until four. Please reserve the same conference room for the team and make sure everyone is back here by then. If I get any calls, tell them I’m tied up and will return their call later this evening.”

“
Okay. Anything else?” She scribbled a note on her pad.

“
Yes, call Ms. Samuels and let her know I’m on my way.”

Beverly raised her head and glared at me. Her pencil poised in midair.

“
Did you hear me?”

“
Yes, I’ll make that call.” She turned back to the computer and began punching the keys.

Without saying anything else I made my way out of the store. The Black Book was only two blocks from my office so I pulled up in front of Sasha’s store with ten minutes to spare.

I turned off the car and rushed inside. Thankfully, Sasha didn’t expect me to attend every doctor’s appointment, but she thought these appointments were special.

A few customers milled around, browsing.

“
Walter, we’re going to be late.” Sasha’s thin voice and dark eyes meant trouble.

“
Are you okay?” I pulled Sasha closer and slipped my tongue into her mouth. She was slow to respond.

“
Your secretary called. As usual, she was curt.” Her tone launched my warning radar.

“
You know I’ve spoken with Beverly before. She’s very loyal to Tracy.”

“
Can you speak with her again? I don’t want to be treated like a…like—”

“
Honey, what does it matter? It won’t be much longer.” I placed my hand around her waist and pulled her closer. Her stomach was no longer flat, now there was a roundness that hinted at her condition. Her breasts had increased two sizes and I found it all appealing.

“
Maybe before returning to the office we can stop by your house.” I stuck my tongue in her ear.

“
I’ve been having morning sickness, the store was hectic this morning, and you’re ten minutes late. Should I go on, or do you get the picture?” She pulled her purse onto her shoulder. “We’d better leave, now. We don’t have much time.” She yelled instructions over her shoulder to Jeanette, her helper, before walking out the door.

“
Are you okay?” I asked when we were on our way.

She turned to face me. “I feel like I’m going through this alone. I’m sick all by myself. I’m having cravings all by myself. I felt the baby kick for the first time all by myself. I don’t want to go through this pregnancy all by myself.”

“
Sasha, what do you want me to do? I said from the beginning nothing changes until after the wedding.”

“
I guess I thought you’d come up with something by now. It’s been weeks. With the pregnancy, I thought you’d make a change. I didn’t trick you into this. It’s what happens when consenting adults have unprotected sex.”

“
I know it wasn’t a trick, but I wish—”

“
Don’t say it, Walter. Please don’t say you wish I weren’t pregnant. It’ll change everything.”

I heard anger bubbling like an angry cauldron. “You’ve only made a partial commitment to me. Are you really going to leave Tracy, or is that what you tell me to keep this thing between us going?” She used her finger to point at herself and me.

I’m sure she meant to ask if I wanted to keep screwing her and I did. I relished the look on my brothers faces when I told them about my twenty-something girlfriend. Even though they were being faithful husbands now, neither of them ever had an affair with a woman as young as Sasha. I saw the admiration in their eyes; it was the only time I felt equal to them.

“
Don’t start with this again, Sasha. By now you ought to know how much you mean to me. Dammit. But I have no intention of turning Crystal’s world upside down right now. Not before her wedding. So don’t ask me to do that.”

She huffed, faced forward, and crossed her arms over her stomach.

I could understand her doubt, but leaving a marriage is not like putting on clean underwear. My life with Tracy was so intertwined with material things, memories and people. “I told you before, that after the wedding I’m telling Tracy I’m leaving. Nothing can change that.”

We got into the car.

“
I’ve heard that before,” she hissed before buckling her seatbelt.

“
You have to be patient. We’ve had this discussion.”

“
We’re having it again. When? When are you leaving her?”

“
After the wedding.” I gripped the steering wheel with both hands.

“
Walter, I mean it, are you really leaving? Are you going to leave the big house, the fancy parties, and your well-connected friends, and come to live with me and the baby? What does ‘
after the wedding’
mean? The day after, the week after or the year after?”