Pack Up the Moon (36 page)

everything. I could see the nurse wrapping you in your blanket with your dad watching over you, five doors away I could see him nearly drop you and, if I wasn’t already dying, the fright would have killed me. I saw them plug me in and Sean watching, unable to breathe, and I could feel his heart lodged in his throat and hear it beating in his

ear. I saw my parents argue over how long to pay for disk parking in the hospital car park.

And it wasn’t just the hospital either. I saw Clo delighted with the news and texting me from her car telling me she

was on her way. Anne crying in her kitchen while Richard comforted her with the words, “Our day will come:’ I saw Noel in the middle of nowhere with desert all around, stopping to turn and stare into space.

“Emma?” he said before he walked right through me.

And I knew:- Oh no, something bad is happening. And then there was nothing.

*

I was lost in a vast garden surrounded by exotic flowers set

in green soft sand. I regarded my surreal surroundings and laughed. It had been a while since I’d visited. The good old burning bush blazed as brightly as ever. I headed straight towards the purple sun dangling above a spidery

tree basking in its glow. It was warm and I was happy. Then I was climbing the hill and waiting for the purple

sun to spin before me. The hill straightened out under my feet and as I approached the flowering tree a gentle breeze

brought it to life. The familiar blue poppies danced between the thick foliage that continued to crawl along

the cherry-pink branches. I waited for John.

“Hey, Fatso!” he called out, grinning, bouncing the sun like he was Magic Johnson.

I laughed. Only two people could get away with calling me “Fatso”. He looked the same. Only I had changed. He walked towards me and then we were hugging.

“You look beautiful:’ He always knew what to say. “Sean says I’m like a fine wine.”

“Hmmm, fruity!”

“You’re a ghost, stop flirting,” I laughed.

“It’s never too late.” He grinned.

“I’ve just had a baby,” I remembered.

“I know. She’s really beautiful.”

“Yeah, she really is,” I smiled.

“Any names?”

“Lots but she doesn’t look like any of them.”

He threw his head back and laughed loudly. “Women! Women crack me up. How can a person look like a name?”

“They just do.” I gave him a dirty look, which he ignored. We were walking again, holding hands. He led the way and I followed like a curious child.

“You’ve seen her. What do you think about the name?” I asked.

“Deborah.”

“Please don’t tell me you want me to call my child

after the first rock star that made you want to touch

yourself”

He grinned. “Ah, Debbie Harry.”

“Animal,” I sniffed. My crotch hurt and my legs felt sticky. I ignored this in favour of looking around for the yellow pathway to appear.

“What’s the female version of John?” I asked. “Joan.”

“Oh. I’m not calling her that.”

“I wouldn’t,” he advised.

“How about Joanne?” I asked.

“Joanne.” He mulled it over. “Yeah, I like Joanne.” “Me too.”

“What does Sean want to call her?”

I smiled. “He wanted to call her Bindy so he doesn’t get

a say.” We laughed as we made our way to the yellow pathway “I must get The Wizard of Oz for Joanne,” I said grinning. John stopped and looked at me seriously.

“Do you want ruby slippers?”

“Go on then, seeing as it’s a special occasion.”

He grinned and they appeared on my feet, dazzling and much ‘redder than I had remembered. I sashayed beside him and he was laughing again, his wide smile and big eyes reminding me of how we used to be.

“Where are we going?” I asked, wondering if there would be a Straw Man involved.

He smiled in response and suddenly and overwhelmingly

it occurred to me I shouldn’t be here. I stopped.

“Did I die?”

“There’s still time,” he said.

“Good,” I sighed. “Am I going to die?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh God, I don’t want to die!”

Walls sprang up either side of us and soon they were

alive with images of our past. I found myself focusing on the night we first kissed. John squeezed my hand as we watched our younger selves, all tongue and teeth.

“We really didn’t have a due.” He said smiling.

Not today. I can’t die today.

I nodded absentmindedly and we moved along to

view a different phase of our lives, stopping to take it in as an art critic would an interesting painting. It was the day we finished the Leaving Cert. We were standing under a tree near the basketball court. We were laughing and I was jumping excitedly. Then we were kissing and making a much better job of it. Fellow students were moving and talking excitedly around us and yet we were alone in one

another.

I turned around to see John focused on the wall

behind me. I looked back at my wall to watch us kissing under the tree near the basketball court and John returned

to my side.

“That one lasts a while,” he grinned and took my hand.

“I can’t die,” I said calmly.

“You still have time,” he repeated.

“Did you have time?” I asked.

“No,” he admitted and then he turned me towards the wall.

I watched myself lying in my own blood while the

doctor attempted to shock my heart out of flat line. I watched Sean’s face aging and felt his heart burning while

he sat still with his head hung low like he had the night we

lost John. I saw my parents desperate and desolate. I saw do clinging to Tom, silent but begging me to come back.

I want to.

I saw you less than an hour old, lying alone, already forgotten.

“I can’t leave her,” I said and John seemed sad.

And then I heard my brother’s voice while on his

knees in the middle of some desert:

“Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name,

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. Amen.”

“Noel?” I called out but I couldn’t see him.

I could see the doctor charging up the defibrillator

paddles.

I turned away and John was gone.

“John?” I called out, panicked.

He appeared in the distance.

“Where are you going?”

He winked and pointed into the distance. “Emerald City!” he laughed.

“But I need you!” I cried out with one eye on the wall. The damn paddles seemed to take an eternity to charge.

“Not anymore,” he said.

“I love you!” I called out.

“You always will,” he laughed and he was gone. “Clear!” the doctor shouted and I heard the beep, beep, beep and then nothing.

*

When I woke you were nearly twenty-four hours old. I’d missed your first day I cried for many reasons but mostly

because of that. I promised I’d never miss another but then those kinds of promises are impossible to keep. Sean, your dad, found it difficult to let either of us go. He rested you in one arm while holding my hand.

“I couldn’t have lost you,” he kept saying.

“I wouldn’t be lost,” I told him.

The truth is I could have died and who knows why I

didn’t. Maybe it wasn’t my time; maybe John had a word with a Wizard or God heard Noel’s earnest prayer. Maybe it was just blind luck. Either way I’m still here. Sometimes I think about John and I smile. I’m happy he got to name you and even your dad admits Joanne is a far better name

than Bindy.

I can’t believe it’s been five years since you were born and

it’s weird to try to think of this world without you. A lot has changed in these past years and more has remained the

same. We moved out of our little townhouse a year after your birth. Sean got a promotion and had his second novel published, so we could afford to move by the sea. I’ve never lived by the sea before and I wouldn’t live

without it again. There’s something about it. I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s its vastness or depth or the ever-changing colours and the comforting sound of the waves

lapping on the beach, ever constant whether it be on a melancholic cold morning or a busy sunny day. I guess when it comes down to it, the sea is as close as we get to another world here on Earth and I like that.

I still work as a teacher and every now and then I have

the pleasure of teaching a student like Declan. Speaking of whom, I hadn’t seen him in four years and then out of

the blue last week he appeared as a VJ on MTV. I couldn’t believe it and at the same time it seemed that he was at last fulfilling his own destiny. It makes me smile to think of the boy with the big heart making his way in the

world. It also makes me feel old and at thirty-three that’s just not right.

*

Anne and Richard have a place the size of a small country

pretty close by. It’s nice having Anne so close. She dotes on you and spoils you beyond anything that could be

determined as reasonable. Richard discovered rally-racing a few years ago much to Anne’s utter disgust, but you know Richard — he will not be deterred. He’s attempting to race across some desert in the middle of some kip left

of nowhere next summer. Poor Anne. The good news is that after five years on a waiting list they have at last

received confirmation that in less than a month they will

have the baby that they dreamed of. She’s Chinese, she’s three months and her name is Ming. There has been pretty intensive debate as to whether or not they should

keep her name or change it. Richard has come down heavily on the side of a change due to his fear that his

daughter will be known as “Minger” all through school. Anne is afraid that they will be stripping her of her identity. Clo is with Richard; rather lose one’s heritage than face the nickname Minger. I tend to agree, but we’ll see. Either way little Ming is going to have to come to terms

with a lot in this world but she’ll be loved and that’s what’s

important. You should see Richard — he’s like a little kid. He’s been working on Ming’s nursery for over a year and

he’s made a total arse of it. Anne appears to despair but behind it all she can’t hide her smile. You’ve already made her promise that her baby girl won’t affect your relationship. There are no flies on you.

*

Clodagh and Tom went through a hard time a few years

ago. His company was keeping him way too busy to be deemed healthy even for a career-orientated woman like

Clo. Tom’s long hours meant he and his wife would soon become strangers. To add insult to injury the fruits of his labour were not worth the massive effort. His competitors were undercutting him, staff was too costly and the taxman was crucifying him. They were fighting more and having sex less. He was tired all the time; she spent most of her time alone. It was a bad time, so bad Clo had considered leaving. She was devastated, but after many a negotiation she found their position to be in deadlock. He needed to put in the hours to keep the business afloat and she

needed the husband he didn’t have time to be. On the night she packed her bags he came home in time to stop

her. Her drastic action frightened him and he admitted that marriage had made him complacent. They talked the whole night through. Tom wound up the business and within a month a job offer that he could not afford to

turn down took them to London. The relocation package alone made sense and Clo had always wanted to taste life

in a big city She moved over without a job but her days

as the supportive housewife were always going to be

short-lived. Four months after moving she was working for a PR company in London. She’s still there and loves

it. She says she prefers Dublin for a laugh but London for shoes and shoes win. I miss her. It’s not like we don’t talk on the phone or e-mail one another most days, but distance is hard. I get to see her more than you’d think though. Thank Christ for the low-cost airline. Anne and I get over there every couple of months and she comes home as

much. She’s still a career girl at heart and has no intention of having any kids or “danglers”, as she would put it.

You don’t really know Clo — she’s just some strange adult that passes through every now and then, but I hope that some day you will and then you’ll love her as much

as I do.

*

Doreen died last spring. She suffered a heart attack while sitting upstairs on the 16A bus. She was on her way to a peace march with her husband. She was reviewing the route with a map and a compass while her husband laughed

at her industry. She nudged him and he said she smiled like she knew something everyone else didn’t. Then she slumped on his shoulder. It, was a day before her sixty-fifth birthday. Sixty-five seems young these days but Doreen felt old. She had aged in the past few years. Maybe I noticed because since we moved I didn’t get to

see her as often or maybe it was just her time to be old. She had lived a good and, in her own opinion, a long life and that was good enough for her. I like to think she knew. I like to think that an angel whispered in her ear and told her to come home. I miss her voice and look forward to hearing it again. Her wake was incredible. Her family had planned a surprise party and despite her death

the parry went ahead as planned. It was the send-off to end all send-offs. There were memories, music, laughter, dancing and song. We celebrated her life and sent her on her way. It was pure Doreen and exactly what she would have wanted, us living it up and her sitting back and enjoying the view.

*

Noel, well, what can I tell you about your Uncle Noel? He came home within a week of your birth and six