Pack Up the Moon (15 page)

“Jesus!” I said, before quickly apologising. It was the least I could do under the circumstances.

We were silent for a while.

Then I ventured to ask, “Have you kissed her?” “We’ve been together, Em,” he responded, without being able to face me.

“Oh,” I said, suddenly realising why my brother looked so desperate. So what? I wanted to scream but knowing it wouldn’t be helpful I swallowed the words. “Are you in love?”

“Yes,” he mumbled

“What do you want to do?” I asked gently, afraid my question would break him.

“I just wish that I could be a priest without having to

sacrifice everything. It’s not fair. I spend my life marrying couples and christening babies and I’m never ever going

to have any of that and when I look at her I want it. I want to wake up next to her in the morning. I want to have the kids run into our bedroom at six o’clock on a

Saturday morning. I want to go to parent teacher nights and apologise for my kids not being able to shut up in

class, but the problem is I need to be a priest. I can’t imagine my life doing something else. I know it’s what I’m here to do.” He sank his head in his hands and he cried like a baby. “I’m just so lonely, Emma.”

I held him close and I told him that everything would

be fine, hoping that it would be. He apologised, embarrassed to be sharing his problems as the unpractised often do. We sat in silence for a while.

“Life’s a bitch,” I said.

“Indeed:’ he agreed.

We laughed.

“It’s got to get better than this,” I said.

“Yeah,” he sighed.

“It will. You just have to work through it. Right?” “Right,” he answered sadly.

He said he should go, but I wanted him to stay. He didn’t argue.

Later, I was lying in bed processing his revelation. He passed, returning from the toilet.

“Night, Noel!” I called out.

“Night, Mary Ellen!” he called back.

I smiled at him.

Christ, I can’t wait to tell Clo.

It wasn’t long after our little conversation that Noel split

up with his one true love. She needed him to make a choice; she could no longer watch him tear himself apart.

“No more guilt,” she had demanded.

Noel knew that it would not be possible. He couldn’t give up being a priest and, in admitting that, he was forced to let go of any hopes that he had allowed himself over the

past year. It was over. She cried desperately as did he. She begged him to stay with her and he pleaded with her to

understand. The hurt was immense. She was clinging on to all they had and he was desperately trying to let go. He left her crying, sitting on her doorstep in a nightdress and slippers. He walked down the street blinded by tears, his heart breaking and the sound of her desperation in his

ears.

Oh God, what have I done?

Noel didn’t see her after that. She had picked herself

up from her step and walked inside, closing the door on him and their aborted future. He went back to the house he shared with Rafferty who was blissfully unaware of his

predicament.

He found it difficult to be alone in his room. He needed people around him. Someone that made him feel normal. Someone who wouldn’t judge and who would understand that he needed time to heal. He starting spending more time in my place and I was glad of the

company. We fell into a routine. Noel would stay three or four nights out of seven. He wasn’t a great cook, but much better than me. I’d come home to find a shepherd’s pie in the oven and Noel cleaning the kitchen.

He liked to keep busy and I liked that he liked to keep

busy because cleaning was definitely not my scene. Of course I did it, but it depressed me. I wasn’t meant for cleaning. I was a messer. We’d watch movies together and sometimes he’d take out John’s video games and I’d watch

him play them as intensely as John had once done. He was sad and sometimes he looked like he’d been crying, but then other times he was almost like the old Noel. Almost.

*

Sean split up with the latest girlfriend but, worse, he was suffering from writer’s block. He had been working on a novel for over six months and initially it had been going

well, but he had reached an impasse and his computer terminal was taunting him. He evacuated the house at any given opportunity. Once he realised that Noel was spending time with me he joined the gang. The house was starting to get a little packed. Now four out of seven nights I’d

come home to Sean and Noel drinking tea and fighting

over the remote.

“Noel, I am not watching re-runs of Starsky and Hutch!” I roared over the blaring theme tune.

“Ah, come on!” they both pleaded.

“Oh, Sweet Mother,” I sighed.

There were twin beds in the spare room so every now

and then they both would stay over. I could hear them chat and laugh through the wall and it felt like camp. They’d talk into the small hours. I’d wake up cranky and queue for the shower. When I got to the fridge the milk would be gone and my toast would mysteriously vanish

when I turned my back. We were relying on each other too much and we were doing it in my house. It wasn’t healthy. I knew things had to change.

One particular evening, when Noel and Sean were having a few beers in front of Ireland-v-Latvia, Clo called with her new boyfriend, Tom. Noel and Sean were more than happy to share their beers; I just wanted a quiet night in, but was obviously outvoted. Tom was delighted, drinking beer and watching soccer, and he was clearly enchanted with the two people responsible for his newfound joy

The lads quickly bonded while discussing the importance

of good defence and their own idea on team strategies, each believing that they knew better than the Irish coach.

Clo and I escaped to the kitchen.

“I didn’t realise it would be a full house,” she said.

It was never anything but and for some insane reason

I actually missed being alone so I exploded. “It’s a nightmare! They’re here all the time. It’s not like they don’t have any homes to go to! Jesus, I just want to be able to curl up and

read a bloody book or not have to watch Wrestle-Mania.” “So tell them to go home:’ she said.

She was right. Enough was enough. Still, I didn’t want to frighten them away completely. I would miss them. It’s not like they weren’t a good laugh sometimes and deep

down I did have a soft spot for Starsky and Hutch. I just didn’t want to have to queue for the bathroom four times

a week.

“I’ll tell them,” I said.

I asked her how Tom was.

“Lovely,” she smirked.

They’d been seeing one another for a month and had

not slept together.

“Tomorrow’s the night,” she grinned.

“About time,” I noted.

“You can’t talk,” she pointed out.

She was right. I shut up.

“I’m thinking of wearing my black V-neck dress. What do you think?” she asked.

“You’ve made him wait to get his leg over for more

than a month — I think you could wear dog vomit and he’d jump your bones:’

“Good point,” she said and smiled. “I’m going to cook for him, some soft music, candles . . I even bought silk sheets.”

She had style, I’ll give her that.

“Nice,” I said.

“Yeah,” she agreed.

We both daydreamed about warm bodies for a few

minutes.

“What about you?” she asked.

“Nobody,” I said.

Sean walked in, took three beers out of the fridge and made a joke about Noel’s taste in men. I laughed and watched him walk out.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“What?” I enquired.

“Are you sure there’s no one?”

“There’s no one,” I told her firmly, but I was lying to both of us. She didn’t push and I didn’t want her to.

“Hey,” she said after a while, “would you like my vibrator?”

I looked at her, waiting for her to burst into laughter. She didn’t.

“It’s really great, compact, you can fit it in your handbag and I won’t need it after tomorrow night.” She was smiling.

Jesus!

It was a lovely thought, but I told her that she should keep it for a rainy day, while attempting to hide my discomfort.

“Emma, you’re such a prude,” she smiled.

“Indeed,” I agreed.

Clo and I moved into the sitting-room. Tom and the lads were getting on like old friends. I later discovered that initially Tom was slightly perturbed at the notion of

hanging out with a priest. I suppose he was worried about conversation. Most people find it hard to talk about anything other than the weather to a priest for fear that

they may incriminate themselves in the eyes of God. However he took his cue from Sean who wasn’t ever

afraid to share his feelings, God or no God.

Clo was beaming. Tom put his hand on her leg as he talked with the others and she made jokes that made

everyone laugh. It was nice to see it and it made me wish I had someone to touch my leg. I looked over at Sean and he was smiling at me. We looked at each other for only a moment before re-engaging in conversation, but it felt close. Close and a little weird due to my stomach doing a little flip like it had the first time John had introduced me

to him in the college bar.

When Clo and Tom had gone, Noel and Sean sat me down.

“We know we’re in the way,” Noel said.

I blushed red-hot while attempting to mumble the

words “no” and “don’t be silly”.

“I heard you in the kitchen,” Sean said, smiling.

I’d been caught. At least they seemed to be taking it well. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, still embarrassed.

“Don’t be,” Sean said. “We didn’t mean to turn your home into a frat house.”

Noel smiled at the idea that he of all people would be

responsible for turning my home into a frat house. “It’s not that,” I admitted.

“What then?” asked Noel, not because he was insulted — it was just his usual concern.

“I’m afraid that we’re all relying on one another too

much. I mean, how long can this go on? If I get too used to having you around, well, then, what will I do when you leave?”

And there it was. I’d admitted it, my real concern. I was afraid that if I let my part-time lodgers get under my

skin, then it would be too hard to let them go and they

weren’t mine to keep. It was simple really. They both smiled.

“We not going anywhere,” said Noel.

“Just home,” said Sean.

They stayed that night and the next morning they left

together and I waved them off. I closed the door. Alone again, but it wasn’t so bad.

*

The next night Clo slept with Torn. She rang me the following morning. He was still there, asleep. She was wired. They’d had a great time. It hadn’t worked out exactly as she had planned. She had forgotten to buy a lighter or matches to light the candles. She’d attempted to light them from the gas oven but only succeeded in

covering her hob with wax. The wine tasted like cheese and her meal was an utter failure. Tom arrived to his very stressed girlfriend’s home having picked up a pizza, a reliable bottle of vino and a video. They munched on pizza, sipped on wine and laughed their way through

Screwballs.

“Screwballs?” I didn’t believe her.

“I know, it’s mad. It’s his favourite film too.”

I was dumbfounded. He really did share in Clo’s shit movie taste. “Wow!”

“I know,” she said. “The sex was great:’ she went on, “but I don’t want to go on about it because if I do I might

jinx it. It’s all about breaking patterns, Ern. I’m making changes.”

“Good for you,” I admitted, not really sure what she meant.

“Yeah,” I could hear her smiling down the phone line, “I’m going to marry him,” she said with great confidence.

I agreed it was a distinct possibility that he was The

One now that the Screwballs thing had come to light.

Soccer, Betazoids and the Exit

Sean had somehow found the inspiration he required to

return to his book. He concentrated on finishing his first novel, something he had talked about doing since the first day we met. He’d work on his articles, then push them aside and get lost in his book for hours and hours at a time. He didn’t read time anymore, nor did he care, which was especially frustrating if he had agreed to meet you for lunch.

Noel started taking on extra work. He had some club or social or group to attend almost every night.

I didn’t really have anything to get lost into, no escape. I just taught the kids, came home, marked some copies every now and again and that was it. I was bored and now that Noel was so busy I was forced into the confession

box just to see him again.

“Hey,” I smiled when Noel pulled back the little sliding shutter.

He sighed. “So you’re back.”

“Well, you haven’t been around so much. I just wanted to catch up with you.”

“You know where I live,” he stated, smiling, because we both knew there was no way that I was ever going to

get myself caught talking about famine with Father

Rafferty.

“But you’re never there,” I argued, avoiding the subject of his aging housemate.

He was beaten and surrendered accordingly. “So how about we take this outside?” he said, before adding, “My ass is numb.”

Apparently there were all kinds of ways to suffer for

one’s God and a numb ass was definitely one of them.

We went to a coffee shop. It was late in the evening and the coffee shop was full of students. I looked around and smiled at them, the memories of my own college days seeming distant. Noel noticed my contemplation.

“The passage of time is a funny thing. Sometimes I wish that I could hold on to just one moment, stop time, just for while,” he said.

I smiled. “I know exactly which moment I’d like to hold on to.”

He sighed, looking suddenly sad. “Me too,” he said. “Are you alright?” I asked.