Outside (6 page)

Bristling, I straighten. “Deuteronomy states that a woman of the Lord shall not wear the clothing of men. My skirt ensures that I remain desirable to a man of the Lord.”

Smirking, he leans forward. “What if that skirt isn’t what he desires?”

Boldly, I lean forward too. My heart pounds, either from righteous indignation, or something else entirely. “Then he isn’t a man of the Lord.”

“So does that mean you think I’m going to hell?” His tongue glides over his lip ring.

Taking a step back, I scowl. “Well, no. I…” What? I what? I shouldn’t be speaking to him! That’s what!

He laughs. “Later, Papergirl.” The door swings shut.

I hurry off his porch.
Papergirl
? I’ve been called names before. Naomi and some of the other girls called me all kinds of things. Papergirl is a new one.

After three days of delivering papers in the heavy navy skirt Holly says she wore in a school play last year, I agree to let her take me shopping with Beth’s money.

“For some light-weight skirts,” I clarify as I fan myself with a leftover newspaper in the living room. “And only because it’s so hot.”

“Whatever,” she says, smiling. She takes off toward Beth’s office as I head for the stairs, eager to splash some cold water on my face.

Holly knocks on my door while I’m reading my bible in my room. “Ready to go?”

I open it a crack, still holding the little bible she gave me. “Did you tell your mother I’d pay her back?”

Standing on her tip-toes, she peeks around me at my bed. “Oh my god,” she says, pushing past me. “I haven’t been in here since Gramma lived with us.” She falls forward onto the orange cover, burying her face in the pillows before rolling onto her side. “This was her room. Mom did a good job brightening it up. I love this comforter.”

Hesitantly, I walk over and perch on the bed. Holly takes the bible from me and puts a rainbow striped device in my hands. A phone. A cellphone. Portable evil.

“This is a phone. It lets you talk to people who are far away if you need help,” she says, sitting up.

Waiting for my hands to start burning, I stare at the black screen. “I’m aware of how a phone works.” I frown at the garish thing in my hands. This is nothing like the phone we had in Shiloh.

“You don’t know how to
use
a cellphone, do you?” she teases.

Looking up at her, I ask, “Where’re all the buttons?”

She bites the inside of her cheek to keep a straight face. “Back in nineteen ninety-six where they belong.” Grabbing the phone from me, she presses a button and explains how to access what she calls “the basics”: phone calls, text messaging, and a strange sounding woman named Siri if I can’t figure something out.

She hands it back, but I don’t take it. “I can’t have this. It’s-”

“Evil?” She rolls her eyes. “Alaina, it’s
not
evil. And
I’m
not evil and my
mom’s
not evil.”

Peeking up at her, I say, “Everything you do and say is against the bible. It’s against what the Lord has commanded of his women.”

Standing up, she grabs my bible and waves it in front of me. “Says who? The bible? Or your cult people? Have you read this whole thing, front to back, in context?”

I shake my hair away from my face. “The elders at Shiloh forbid people to interpret the bible without their assistance. They are prophets of the Lord and understand things that we could never hope to comprehend.”

Holly laughs and I jump to my feet, reaching for my bible. “Do not mock the Lord’s prophets.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, holding the bible just out of my reach. “I just…” Taking a deep breath, she regains her composure. “I’m trying to understand you and trying to make you understand me.”

Tilting my head, I scowl. “Why?”

Sighing, she tosses the bible on the dresser and motions to the bed so we can sit down. “The truth is, Alaina, whether you like it or not, you’re out of your cult. You’re stuck out here with us and it’s sink or swim, you know? You can have your beliefs and stuff. I totally respect that. But if you don’t learn to adapt, even a little bit,” she pinches her fingers together in front of my face. “A
smidge
, you’re going to be screwed for the rest of your life.” She hands me the phone. “You don’t have to use it. Just take it so I don’t get in trouble with
my
mom.”

Nodding, I accept it. After a moment, I look up at her. “Thank you.”

CHAPTER SIX

ALAINA

“We’re going out,” Holly calls to Beth, slinging her bag over her shoulder before thundering down the stairs. I come down behind her in a much quieter fashion.

Holly digs through her bag in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs.

“Hold on,” Beth says, emerging from her office. “Turn your phone on.”

Glancing up at her, Holly scowls. “It is.”

“Turn the
ringer
on, Holly.” She raises her eyebrows. “That ‘I didn’t hear your text’ crap isn’t going to work.”

“Fine,” Holly huffs, pulling her phone out of her back pocket. She makes a show of switching the ringer on. “There.”

Satisfied, Beth smiles. “Where’re you going?”

“Jacki’s,” Holly says, continuing to dig through her bag. “And then the mall if Alaina doesn’t freak out.” She cringes and glances up at me. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I say quietly.

Beth kisses Holly’s forehead. “Stay out of trouble. And
call
me if you’re going to be late for dinner. I don’t negotiate via text, got it?”

Keys jingle as Holly pulls them free from a wadded mess of wires and fabric in her bag. “Got it. Later!”

After picking Jacki up, the reality of what I’m about to do sets in and my hands start to shake. Even with Holly blasting the air conditioning in the car, I begin to sweat. My stomach rolls with every turn she makes.

“Maybe this isn’t the best idea,” I finally say.

“I swear, you won’t die,” Holly says, changing lanes as we zip between cars. “Remember what you told me about your observation field trips?”

I nod, meeting her eye in the rear view mirror.

“It’ll be just like that. We’re just going to
observe
some clothes for you. That’s all.”

Jacki turns around in the front passenger seat to face me. “We wouldn’t let anything happen to you. You know that right?”

Swallowing, I nod again, unable to speak. I tuck my hands under my thighs to keep them from trembling as I envision greedy, violent shoppers trampling me when Holly and Jacki aren’t looking. Or criminals open-firing weapons on us for fun.

Jacki smiles. “We’ll make it really fast. Just a couple of stores, okay?”

Lowering my eyes, the trembling moves up my arms until my shoulders are hunched near my ears. “Okay.”

Holly finds a parking space in the sea of cars and we make the long walk to the entrance. Heat radiates from the blacktop in waves and my skin prickles with sweat and nerves. Finally, we reach the giant glass doors and they slide open on their own, blasting us with icy air. It’s a welcome change from the stifling heat, but I’m immediately overwhelmed by the soaring ceiling, the noisy buzz of voices, and the stream of people walking by, oblivious to anything but themselves.

Jacki points across the crowded corridor. “Oh look! There’s Serena and Drew!”

A boy my age with light brown hair sits on a bench while a girl in cut-off pants with checkered suspenders, a lime-green top that comes well above her navel, and a burgundy bowler hat stands in front of him, talking his ear off.

“What the hell is she wearing?” Holly mutters, moving forward to follow Jacki through the crowd.

I stay near the doors, afraid to step any further into this place. I can barely hear myself think over the noise. My lungs constrict and my legs tremble under my skirt, threatening to give out entirely. People continue to pass me, most of them in groups, chattering away to each other with colorful bags hanging from their arms.

Holly turns back when she’s halfway across the corridor. “Come on,” she says, motioning for me to catch up.

At the same time, Jacki shouts, “Serena!” and the two girls run at each other, squealing.

“For the Lord. For Shiloh,” I whisper to myself, squeezing my eyes shut and balling my fists at my sides. “Give me strength,” I pray.

Opening my eyes, I spot a break in the stream of people and hurry across the corridor to grab Holly’s arm.

She eyes me. “You alright?”

I swallow, though my mouth is dry. “Yes.”

“Come meet Drew and Serena,” she says, moving forward.

I glance up at the girl in strange clothes and the boy speaking to Jacki. “You didn’t say we were meeting
boys
. Does your mother know?”

Holly laughs. “That’s just Drew. My mom doesn’t care. She knows him. Knows his whole family, actually. We go to church with them sometimes.”

The world stops for a moment and my mouth hangs open. “
You
go to church?” I eye her tiny shorts and form-fitting top. Does she dress like
this
when she goes? “Do you worship the Lord there?”

She nods slowly.

I glance over at Jacki, Serena, and Drew. Jacki is indiscreetly gesturing at me, undoubtedly telling her friends about my reluctance to come to the mall.

Serena breaks away from their cluster and zips through the crowd of shoppers, stopping in front of me.

“Oh my god, you’re
gorgeous
!” Serena says, leaning close to my face. “I am so jealous of people with freckles. They say people with freckles and beauty marks live longer.”

I blink rapidly, unsure of what to make of her comment. No one has ever been jealous of me before. Particularly of my freckles. Naomi called them sin spots. I once asked her if her many skin blemishes were also sin spots and she slapped me.

“Back up. Give her some room,” Holly says, nudging Serena’s shoulder.

I gape at Serena’s hair as a bright pink strand comes loose from under her hat. I’ve never seen anyone with pink hair before. It’s as bright as the shower curtain in Holly’s bathroom. “Your hair,” I breathe.

“I know, right?” Serena laughs. “It was supposed to be purple. I’m so pissed!”

“It’s dye,” Holly whispers to me. “It’s not her real hair color.”

Behind Serena, Drew steps up with Jacki. He has kind, golden brown eyes that remind me of Elder Hanson for a moment. “Nice to meet you,” he says, sticking out his hand. “I’m Drew.”

I lower my eyes on instinct and decide it’s best not to speak to him.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asks the other girls.

Holly’s shoulders lift out of the corner of my eye before she says, “Let’s shop already!”

Drew hesitates. “I’m supposed to meet Adam. We’re going to see the new Batman.”

“Oh,” Holly says, disappointment coloring her tone. “Okay. Well, have fun.”

I peek up at him. He offers the group a half-smile before glancing at me again. “Nice to meet you,” he says.

I can’t bring myself to answer.

He shrugs before turning and walking away.

The first shop we visit is loud and crowded and my hands shake too hard to paw through the racks of clothing like Holly, Jacki, and Serena do. On top of that, I have no idea where to start.

“This!” Jacki shouts over the music that threatens to deafen me. She holds up a floral print dress with straps instead of sleeves. Everything about the dress is wrong. It’s too short, it’s not a solid, subdued color, and the back is made of straps that crisscross each other.

Still, of all the people I’ve met, something about Jacki makes me want her to like me.

“Um…Maybe,” I say.

She holds it up to me. The dress barely comes to my knees. “What size are you? A three?”

I shake my head. “I didn’t take my measurements before I left.” I should have known better! My size has changed, that much is certain. Since being flogged and then taken away from Shiloh, I’ve noticed my hip bones and ribs protruding more than usual.

Holly reaches around me and grabs the back of the shirt I’m wearing, reading the tag that’s been poking me all day. “This is my mom’s. It’s a medium and it hangs like a garbage bag on her.”

“She’s probably a small,” Serena calls from the other side of a rack of tops.

My eyes land on her exposed navel when she’s not looking. I don’t understand how anyone can walk around with so much showing. I have a hard enough time tolerating my own nakedness when bathing and that was before the big, ugly scars across my back. I can’t imagine showing it off on purpose!

Holly nudges me in the arm. “Look around. Find some stuff so we can get in line for the dressing rooms.”

I notice she’s already carrying a load of clothes over her arm and I wonder if they’re meant for me or if she’s shopping for herself.