Outing of the Heart (65 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
âOh hello,' came a strange voice from the other bed, its occupant too, was awake, although not sitting out. Sidonie stopped in her tracks and turned. The smile left her face and she simply looked. Upon reaching Tenille's side of the room she cut her greeting to a curt: âHello,' and leaned back against the window ledge, all signs of a previous onrush of emotion eliminated. She observed flowers on the night table and bent to read the card.
âFrom Mom and Dad.'
She only nodded.
âThey feel badly about not being here, but I'd already told them I'd be okay.' She stopped, regarding her more intently. âAre you all right?' She observed a new tension about her eyes and hoped she'd not been worrying too much. She reached out her hand, but the girl didn't move.
âYes, I'm fine. How are you? It's good to see you up.' Disconcerted at the snub, she decided she was ill-at-ease in this environment. It was one she'd been used to and, for the most part, it didn't cross her mind others would feel strange. Her roommate called to ask if her friend could pass the magazines from her night table.
âOh Sid, this is Rachel. We've been getting to know each other.' Sidonie moved forward and went round to give the patient what she wanted.
âThank you dear.'
As Sidonie handed them over, she thought bitterly that her anticipation of sitting close with Tenille again was now well and truly thwarted. Yesterday had been such a special time. She sighed, resignedly, thinking this is how it is in their world. In fact it was seldom they could ever be just âclose', arms around each other; walk about hand in hand. What other couples took for granted was, for them, something special. A moment to treasure. Only in her car had they achieved this degree of intimacy apart, of course, from the Guesthouse. It would be a wonderful day when Lesbians could be as natural together in public as the Straights. “
In your dreams, girl. Too much to ask in your lifetime,”
she muttered, under her breath.
Returning to her post, she resolved not to be sullen because she couldn't have her own way. Surely she was more mature than that. âI've brought you something.' She picked up the plastic bag she'd dropped to the floor and reached it out to Tenille, smiling broadly. Tenille didn't say anything, but looked up, feeling a twist in her heart.
“Hope she likes it,”
she wished fervently. She'd thought long and hard over what to bring. She'd wanted something of lasting value, not flowers or chocolates.
Tenille peeked into the bag and saw, nestling in a froth of pink tissue, a billowy, downy pillow, half normal size, edged in a frill of broderie anglaise lace. Threaded through eyelets, across one corner, a pink satin ribbon formed the letter T, the ends finished off in little rose buds with apple green leaves.
âOh Sid, it's beautiful,' she breathed.
âIt's your own special pillow. You place it on top of the hospital one so you can lie real comfy,' she explained.
âHow thoughtful you are. It's just darling. I love it. Thank you so much.' She looked up at Sidonie who couldn't help but bend down and plant a kiss on her forehead. She hoped it looked sufficiently sisterly, to the observant onlooker in the other bed.
âYou're entirely welcome,' she affirmed.
Tenille then drew out the envelope which contained a get well card. It was a floral affair with a simple verse, but Sidonie had added the words:- I miss you so much and I love you with all my heart.
The prescript affected Tenille enormously. This was the sweetest love she had ever known. She looked at Sidonie from behind the envelope which she held before her face, the eyes expressing deep emotion as she kept her gaze on her love and kissed the card, slowly and deliberately; a clear message of acknowledgment.
Sidonie had closely watched the whole performance and now let go a deep breath. She knew there would always be a place in her heart for this woman. For Tenille it would never be closed.
To bring them back to the real world she asked how long she could stay up. Tenille too, took a deep breath. âI'm to ring when I feel tired. Then they'll come and help me back.'
She was full of concern. âAre you feeling tired yet? You mustn't overdo things. I didn't expect to see you up. Not when you looked so out of it yesterday.'
âYesterday?' she repeated, surprised.
âYes. I was here about an hour. I sat with you and held your hand.'
âYesterday?' she reiterated, shaking her head. âI didn't know.' Her disappointment was obvious.
âCool, Babe. You were still drugged from the anaesthetic. We had a lovely time together, though.' She leaned forward. âI sat and watched you sleeping, then sometimes you'd come round and look at me. You even smiled once and said my name.'
âThat is a lost time to me.' She sighed. âYou're right, Sid. I will lie down soon.'
âHow does your leg feel in the cast? Your toes are pointed right down,' Sidonie observed.
âThere's an uncomfortable feeling over the top of my instep. I've mentioned it to the nurse. It's like a constant ache.' They both looked at the foot in question. âShe said she'd get the doctor to check it again.' The words were low. Fatigue was setting in. âWhatever it is, it doesn't feel right. My toes are a bit puffy too, even with my foot elevated,' she voiced her fears.
âThat could still be normal at this stage, it is early days after all,' Sidonie tried to console her.
âI'll feel happier when Doctor Suli has given her opinion all the same.' Tenille's voice was becoming fainter.
âIt's Sunday. Will she come in today?' queried Sidonie, looking dubious.
âOh yes. Weekends don't signify in hospitals. Everything works on rotations.'
In fact the doctor arrived while Sidonie was still there and she didn't make her leave. Nurse Arnott explained the situation whilst she consulted the chart. Doctor Jamieson was with her, so this visit must have been part of her rounds. He smiled at Tenille, but didn't speak. Sidonie thought Doctor Suli looked capable, but younger than she'd expected. Indian or Pakistani. The upshot of the visit was that the cast would be reapplied with a lesser degree of plantar flexion. She shouldn't be experiencing any discomfort or pain from the foot position. Extreme toes-pointed was only to ensure there was no tension on the operative site and to give the best possible chance of good union during the healing process.
After they all left, Tenille was more than ready for bed, so Sidonie went to the nurses' station to tell them what she wanted. It was still quite a wait before they arrived â a nurse with a nurse's aide in tow. She wanted to help, but reckoned she'd get in the way. The two women accomplished their task efficiently, with the minimum of extra steps and discomfort to Tenille. She could see her fading fast and explained she would let her rest.
âI see you have the phone, so I'll get your number and call you later, OK?'
âYes, that'll be fine. I was feeling great when you arrived, but suddenly all the stuffing has gone out of me.'
âThat's understandable, after what you've been through. You can't expect to be your old self a day later.' She sat on the side of the bed and stroked Tenille's hair. âGive it time. Rest as much as you can.' She stood again. With the curtain still in place after the transfer, she felt free to kiss her goodbye, being careful not to disturb anything.
âTalk to you later,' she said in farewell. Already Tenille was drifting off, her eyelids drooping as her breathing slowed.
She stopped at the nurses' station to enquire when it might be that Tenille would be allowed home. The nurse explained that with a repair of this nature, if there were no complications, it would be in about four to five days.
She had it in her mind to try for time off when Tenille would be discharged. Surely the stable could let her take two days under these circumstances. It would be time without pay, but she didn't care about that. She would do her darndest to swing it.
The temperature outside had risen considerably while she'd been visiting. The heat hit her like a wall when she emerged from the air conditioning. Walking across the expanse of tarmac to her car she noted how everything seemed to shimmer in the hot dustiness; car windscreens flashed at her in mute acknowledgment of her passing. Hospital garbage skips gave out oppressive smells of rotting vegetation from kitchen scraps; flies ⦠crazy and weighty with the heat, buzzed ineffectually around the lids.
“Toronto in summer,”
she thought. No wonder everyone took to the hills.
Back at the Residence, she busied herself 'til seven then began her stint at the telephone. First off, she called her Ma. It had been too long since she'd been in touch. Getting involved with Tenille had put her other obligations on hold and now she felt badly. The conversation however, went well. After checking in on Chelsey and Billy, she went on to tell Mavis about Tenille in the hospital. Her mother was most concerned. She could tell this new friend was important to her daughter. Sidonie appreciated having a mother she could talk to about the big things. She wasn't judgemental and always wanted the best for her.
Then Milka and Edina, just to touch base. Milka was away again at her mother's and Edina answered. She was full of information about a book she had just been reading, THE NAKED FACE, by Lalian Young.
âIt delves into the ancient science of Physiognomy,' she explained enthusiastically.
âYeah sure.' she was mystified.
âIt's the art of interpreting personality through facial features.'
âOh really.' she exclaimed, somewhat sceptically.
âNow don't be so hasty, Sid. Try these on Tenille. See if any of it works out.'
âOkay Eddie, shoot.'
Edina took a deep breath and with the jottings she'd made for Milka, launched into it. âEyes. They show love.' Sidonie had to smile. She could figure that out for herself.
âUpward-slanting eyes are associated with sensuality.'
âMm..m. Go on.'
âBut if the eyes slant too much, their owner is charming, but possibly dishonest. Now if the eyelid droops over the eye the person craves a lot of attention and affection. I can tell you that Milka has very droopy eyelids so I know that one's true,' Edina added.
âI'll have to check,' was all Sidonie would commit herself to.
âEyebrows that join; heavy upper eyelids; elliptical eyes, are all indicators of jealousy.'
âOh Edina.'
âYou check out Karen next time you see her, Sid. I bet you'll see one of those features. You know what she's like,' she insisted. âRight, here's a little on the mouth.'
âYeah ⦠OK. What you got?'
âThe upper lip reveals our capacity to love and the lower shows how much we need to be loved. So how this works is like this. If the upper lip is bigger, the person is loving, but doesn't need to be loved so much. The other way around and the person's need for love exceeds their ability to love.'
âThese are pretty sweeping claims this Lalian Young is making,' she objected.
âListen Sid. The Chinese were the first to invent face reading, about three thousand years ago.'
âThat doesn't necessarily make it true, Eddie.'
âMaybe not, but it's good enough for Hong Kong millionaires to consult a face reader before signing a deal,' Edina countered. âListen, I'll give you one more piece, you'll like this. When there is a dip in the centre of the upper lip and the lip shows a vertical line joining this point to the bottom of the lip, this person will be romantic. If at the bottom of this line there is an extra fullness, this is the point of sensitivity and you will have a wonderful partner.'
âAll right Eddie, I'll check that one out. I know I don't feature any of those signs. My mouth is small and the lips are the same. Thin I guess you'd describe them.'
âSorry Sid. That mouth makes you a lover to be wary of. Better not tell your girl that.'
âJust my luck. Listen, it was fun. Catch ya later. Gotta go. Say, âHi' to Milka for me.'
She made a quick call through to Thea and then was ready for her time with Tenille. She picked up the receiver on the second ring. Sidonie's heart leaped at the sound of her voice, a little husky still from the airway ventilator. âI guessed this would be you,' she said softly.
âYes. It's me darling.'
Now she unburdened her heart, Tenille lying back against her special pillow, letting the soft words of love and concern pour through and wash over her, swelling her heart with joy and contentment.
âSid, Sid,' she whispered back gently: âI told you not to worry. That everything would be all right,' she scolded, tenderly.
âI know, my love, but I just couldn't help it. I dropped into Reine's yesterday and they send you their get-well wishes. They were very supportive and helped me through that first evening. I felt so dreadful, leaving you alone and having to drive away. It was like I was being broken in two and no hope of becoming whole, until I could be with you again and know that all was well.'
âSid, dearest.' Tenille choked a little. âI keep looking at your card and reading your words of love.'
Sidonie felt she could stand in this dreary passageway forever, talking to her darling, but she was mindful of her delicate state at this time, so hastened to enquire if she were feeling tired yet.
âNo. No Honey, I'm fine. I had my sleep after supper, so I'm feeling all right now.'
Sidonie told her about her enquiries and explained about taking some time off. She could hear the pleasure in Tenille's voice at this prospect. She guessed she'd not relished the thought of being alone when she went home.
âTen, as soon as they tell you, you let me know. I'll pass it by my boss and see what he says.' She paused for breath then continued. âNow, is there anything I can get you for tomorrow that you're missing, or forgot to pack?'
âFrom Mom and Dad.'
She only nodded.
âThey feel badly about not being here, but I'd already told them I'd be okay.' She stopped, regarding her more intently. âAre you all right?' She observed a new tension about her eyes and hoped she'd not been worrying too much. She reached out her hand, but the girl didn't move.
âYes, I'm fine. How are you? It's good to see you up.' Disconcerted at the snub, she decided she was ill-at-ease in this environment. It was one she'd been used to and, for the most part, it didn't cross her mind others would feel strange. Her roommate called to ask if her friend could pass the magazines from her night table.
âOh Sid, this is Rachel. We've been getting to know each other.' Sidonie moved forward and went round to give the patient what she wanted.
âThank you dear.'
As Sidonie handed them over, she thought bitterly that her anticipation of sitting close with Tenille again was now well and truly thwarted. Yesterday had been such a special time. She sighed, resignedly, thinking this is how it is in their world. In fact it was seldom they could ever be just âclose', arms around each other; walk about hand in hand. What other couples took for granted was, for them, something special. A moment to treasure. Only in her car had they achieved this degree of intimacy apart, of course, from the Guesthouse. It would be a wonderful day when Lesbians could be as natural together in public as the Straights. “
In your dreams, girl. Too much to ask in your lifetime,”
she muttered, under her breath.
Returning to her post, she resolved not to be sullen because she couldn't have her own way. Surely she was more mature than that. âI've brought you something.' She picked up the plastic bag she'd dropped to the floor and reached it out to Tenille, smiling broadly. Tenille didn't say anything, but looked up, feeling a twist in her heart.
“Hope she likes it,”
she wished fervently. She'd thought long and hard over what to bring. She'd wanted something of lasting value, not flowers or chocolates.
Tenille peeked into the bag and saw, nestling in a froth of pink tissue, a billowy, downy pillow, half normal size, edged in a frill of broderie anglaise lace. Threaded through eyelets, across one corner, a pink satin ribbon formed the letter T, the ends finished off in little rose buds with apple green leaves.
âOh Sid, it's beautiful,' she breathed.
âIt's your own special pillow. You place it on top of the hospital one so you can lie real comfy,' she explained.
âHow thoughtful you are. It's just darling. I love it. Thank you so much.' She looked up at Sidonie who couldn't help but bend down and plant a kiss on her forehead. She hoped it looked sufficiently sisterly, to the observant onlooker in the other bed.
âYou're entirely welcome,' she affirmed.
Tenille then drew out the envelope which contained a get well card. It was a floral affair with a simple verse, but Sidonie had added the words:- I miss you so much and I love you with all my heart.
The prescript affected Tenille enormously. This was the sweetest love she had ever known. She looked at Sidonie from behind the envelope which she held before her face, the eyes expressing deep emotion as she kept her gaze on her love and kissed the card, slowly and deliberately; a clear message of acknowledgment.
Sidonie had closely watched the whole performance and now let go a deep breath. She knew there would always be a place in her heart for this woman. For Tenille it would never be closed.
To bring them back to the real world she asked how long she could stay up. Tenille too, took a deep breath. âI'm to ring when I feel tired. Then they'll come and help me back.'
She was full of concern. âAre you feeling tired yet? You mustn't overdo things. I didn't expect to see you up. Not when you looked so out of it yesterday.'
âYesterday?' she repeated, surprised.
âYes. I was here about an hour. I sat with you and held your hand.'
âYesterday?' she reiterated, shaking her head. âI didn't know.' Her disappointment was obvious.
âCool, Babe. You were still drugged from the anaesthetic. We had a lovely time together, though.' She leaned forward. âI sat and watched you sleeping, then sometimes you'd come round and look at me. You even smiled once and said my name.'
âThat is a lost time to me.' She sighed. âYou're right, Sid. I will lie down soon.'
âHow does your leg feel in the cast? Your toes are pointed right down,' Sidonie observed.
âThere's an uncomfortable feeling over the top of my instep. I've mentioned it to the nurse. It's like a constant ache.' They both looked at the foot in question. âShe said she'd get the doctor to check it again.' The words were low. Fatigue was setting in. âWhatever it is, it doesn't feel right. My toes are a bit puffy too, even with my foot elevated,' she voiced her fears.
âThat could still be normal at this stage, it is early days after all,' Sidonie tried to console her.
âI'll feel happier when Doctor Suli has given her opinion all the same.' Tenille's voice was becoming fainter.
âIt's Sunday. Will she come in today?' queried Sidonie, looking dubious.
âOh yes. Weekends don't signify in hospitals. Everything works on rotations.'
In fact the doctor arrived while Sidonie was still there and she didn't make her leave. Nurse Arnott explained the situation whilst she consulted the chart. Doctor Jamieson was with her, so this visit must have been part of her rounds. He smiled at Tenille, but didn't speak. Sidonie thought Doctor Suli looked capable, but younger than she'd expected. Indian or Pakistani. The upshot of the visit was that the cast would be reapplied with a lesser degree of plantar flexion. She shouldn't be experiencing any discomfort or pain from the foot position. Extreme toes-pointed was only to ensure there was no tension on the operative site and to give the best possible chance of good union during the healing process.
After they all left, Tenille was more than ready for bed, so Sidonie went to the nurses' station to tell them what she wanted. It was still quite a wait before they arrived â a nurse with a nurse's aide in tow. She wanted to help, but reckoned she'd get in the way. The two women accomplished their task efficiently, with the minimum of extra steps and discomfort to Tenille. She could see her fading fast and explained she would let her rest.
âI see you have the phone, so I'll get your number and call you later, OK?'
âYes, that'll be fine. I was feeling great when you arrived, but suddenly all the stuffing has gone out of me.'
âThat's understandable, after what you've been through. You can't expect to be your old self a day later.' She sat on the side of the bed and stroked Tenille's hair. âGive it time. Rest as much as you can.' She stood again. With the curtain still in place after the transfer, she felt free to kiss her goodbye, being careful not to disturb anything.
âTalk to you later,' she said in farewell. Already Tenille was drifting off, her eyelids drooping as her breathing slowed.
She stopped at the nurses' station to enquire when it might be that Tenille would be allowed home. The nurse explained that with a repair of this nature, if there were no complications, it would be in about four to five days.
She had it in her mind to try for time off when Tenille would be discharged. Surely the stable could let her take two days under these circumstances. It would be time without pay, but she didn't care about that. She would do her darndest to swing it.
The temperature outside had risen considerably while she'd been visiting. The heat hit her like a wall when she emerged from the air conditioning. Walking across the expanse of tarmac to her car she noted how everything seemed to shimmer in the hot dustiness; car windscreens flashed at her in mute acknowledgment of her passing. Hospital garbage skips gave out oppressive smells of rotting vegetation from kitchen scraps; flies ⦠crazy and weighty with the heat, buzzed ineffectually around the lids.
“Toronto in summer,”
she thought. No wonder everyone took to the hills.
Back at the Residence, she busied herself 'til seven then began her stint at the telephone. First off, she called her Ma. It had been too long since she'd been in touch. Getting involved with Tenille had put her other obligations on hold and now she felt badly. The conversation however, went well. After checking in on Chelsey and Billy, she went on to tell Mavis about Tenille in the hospital. Her mother was most concerned. She could tell this new friend was important to her daughter. Sidonie appreciated having a mother she could talk to about the big things. She wasn't judgemental and always wanted the best for her.
Then Milka and Edina, just to touch base. Milka was away again at her mother's and Edina answered. She was full of information about a book she had just been reading, THE NAKED FACE, by Lalian Young.
âIt delves into the ancient science of Physiognomy,' she explained enthusiastically.
âYeah sure.' she was mystified.
âIt's the art of interpreting personality through facial features.'
âOh really.' she exclaimed, somewhat sceptically.
âNow don't be so hasty, Sid. Try these on Tenille. See if any of it works out.'
âOkay Eddie, shoot.'
Edina took a deep breath and with the jottings she'd made for Milka, launched into it. âEyes. They show love.' Sidonie had to smile. She could figure that out for herself.
âUpward-slanting eyes are associated with sensuality.'
âMm..m. Go on.'
âBut if the eyes slant too much, their owner is charming, but possibly dishonest. Now if the eyelid droops over the eye the person craves a lot of attention and affection. I can tell you that Milka has very droopy eyelids so I know that one's true,' Edina added.
âI'll have to check,' was all Sidonie would commit herself to.
âEyebrows that join; heavy upper eyelids; elliptical eyes, are all indicators of jealousy.'
âOh Edina.'
âYou check out Karen next time you see her, Sid. I bet you'll see one of those features. You know what she's like,' she insisted. âRight, here's a little on the mouth.'
âYeah ⦠OK. What you got?'
âThe upper lip reveals our capacity to love and the lower shows how much we need to be loved. So how this works is like this. If the upper lip is bigger, the person is loving, but doesn't need to be loved so much. The other way around and the person's need for love exceeds their ability to love.'
âThese are pretty sweeping claims this Lalian Young is making,' she objected.
âListen Sid. The Chinese were the first to invent face reading, about three thousand years ago.'
âThat doesn't necessarily make it true, Eddie.'
âMaybe not, but it's good enough for Hong Kong millionaires to consult a face reader before signing a deal,' Edina countered. âListen, I'll give you one more piece, you'll like this. When there is a dip in the centre of the upper lip and the lip shows a vertical line joining this point to the bottom of the lip, this person will be romantic. If at the bottom of this line there is an extra fullness, this is the point of sensitivity and you will have a wonderful partner.'
âAll right Eddie, I'll check that one out. I know I don't feature any of those signs. My mouth is small and the lips are the same. Thin I guess you'd describe them.'
âSorry Sid. That mouth makes you a lover to be wary of. Better not tell your girl that.'
âJust my luck. Listen, it was fun. Catch ya later. Gotta go. Say, âHi' to Milka for me.'
She made a quick call through to Thea and then was ready for her time with Tenille. She picked up the receiver on the second ring. Sidonie's heart leaped at the sound of her voice, a little husky still from the airway ventilator. âI guessed this would be you,' she said softly.
âYes. It's me darling.'
Now she unburdened her heart, Tenille lying back against her special pillow, letting the soft words of love and concern pour through and wash over her, swelling her heart with joy and contentment.
âSid, Sid,' she whispered back gently: âI told you not to worry. That everything would be all right,' she scolded, tenderly.
âI know, my love, but I just couldn't help it. I dropped into Reine's yesterday and they send you their get-well wishes. They were very supportive and helped me through that first evening. I felt so dreadful, leaving you alone and having to drive away. It was like I was being broken in two and no hope of becoming whole, until I could be with you again and know that all was well.'
âSid, dearest.' Tenille choked a little. âI keep looking at your card and reading your words of love.'
Sidonie felt she could stand in this dreary passageway forever, talking to her darling, but she was mindful of her delicate state at this time, so hastened to enquire if she were feeling tired yet.
âNo. No Honey, I'm fine. I had my sleep after supper, so I'm feeling all right now.'
Sidonie told her about her enquiries and explained about taking some time off. She could hear the pleasure in Tenille's voice at this prospect. She guessed she'd not relished the thought of being alone when she went home.
âTen, as soon as they tell you, you let me know. I'll pass it by my boss and see what he says.' She paused for breath then continued. âNow, is there anything I can get you for tomorrow that you're missing, or forgot to pack?'
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