OUTCAST: A Stepbrother Romance (28 page)

O
ne of my
many regrets in recent memory.

I
should’ve told
Nash that I love him. I didn’t. I was so happy with the thought of having him as the father of my child. I was overjoyed when he told me that he’ll take full responsibility over us. I was too selfish that I didn’t realize that he needed reassurance as well... of my affection... of my loyalty... of the fact that I have come to envision a future with him, and only him, as the man in my life.

T
he doctor was visibly
upset when she found out that it was my first visit.
You should’ve consulted a doctor the first week you missed your period
, she said. Aside from that, I was very comfortable with her. She was kind and knowledgeable and skilled. I was confident that my baby would be in good hands with her as my attending physician.

W
e went
home to an empty house. Dad wasn’t there, much to my dismay. I asked Aunt Susan where he could be. She tried to assuage my worries by saying that he’s probably playing pool with some of his buddies.

I
t could’ve worked
, only, I knew that dad was bad pool player. He wouldn’t subject himself to such an embarrassing situation, especially not in front of his friends.

I
was
able to eat dinner, though only a handful of bites. It was better than nothing.
Eat well and healthy
, the doctor said, and I did try to comply.

A
fter my meal
, I retired to my bedroom. I didn’t do much that day. I couldn’t even remember a physical task that I did aside from driving to the clinic. Yet, I felt so tired. My body seemed so heavy. I lied in bed and tried to sleep.

B
ut I couldn’t
.

I
haven’t had
a good night’s rest since Nash died.

T
he sight
of him being shot on the chest, by his best friend no less, and being kicked into the rampaging river... it was a scene that played in my mind over and over and over again. I tried to think of other things... happier thoughts... like how my fellow students understood my plight, like how kind and understanding and caring they were, and Aunt Susan with all the love and support she has shown me... and the baby inside me. A boy or a girl? There were times when I wanted my child to be a girl... but even if he was a boy, I’d love him dearly. The same way my mom loved me. The same way my dad loved me.

M
y dad
.

W
here could he be
?

A
nd I began
to worry again, further compounding my inability to sleep.

I
wish
my father was okay.

I
wish
everything would be better.

I
miss Nash
.

I
so terribly miss him
...

A
sound outside my window
.

A
familiar tap
.

A
shadowy figure
precariously balancing himself on the ledge.

A
nd my heart
... my badly beaten heart... raced like a kite in a storm. A solitary tear, of joy more than anything else, dropped from my eye. I quickly got up and approached the window to meet him... the man who have claimed my nights as he has claimed my heart...

“
I
’m so sorry
. I didn’t mean to frighten you,” Finn said, as he turned to look at the branch behind him and held on to it for support.

“
I
t’s okay
,” I replied. I couldn’t hide my dismay.

“
B
ut you didn’t look startled
at all,” he continued as his legs began to tremble. The ledge was just a couple of inches wide. His feet wouldn’t fit its surface, which would make his weight even heavier. “Were you... were you expecting someone else?”

“
N
o
, no...” I lied.

D
id
I actually expect someone else? Nash was gone, and there are no such things as miracles. The phoenix is just a legend. Lazarus is just a myth. And I wasn’t crazy. Sad, yes. Insane, no.

B
ut why did
I feel very disappointed that it wasn’t him?

I
realized
that the glass pane was just half-open. I pulled up the panel completely and asked Finn to go inside. He thanked me profusely as he wiped his sweat with his gray shirt.

“
T
hat was harder
than I thought,” he said, a futile attempt at humor though his effort was very much appreciated.

“
Y
eah
,” I told him. “Did you use the loose bricks on the wall? They’re formed like a ladder.”

“
Y
es
, I did...” he replied. “Wait. How did you know that?”

“
U
hm
... well...” I couldn’t tell him that I noticed then because Nash always visited me via my window many times before. “It’s my house. I’m very much familiar with what’s on my wall.”

“
I
see
,” he answered, realizing that what I said made perfect sense.

“
W
hat’re you doing here
, Finn?” I finally got over my sorrow to ask him.

“
W
ell
, I want to see how you’re doing, Andrea,” he remarked. “You know... how have you been coping up?”

I
found his question inappropriate
. It’s just been two days since we buried Nash. We were still in mourning, a fact that should be obvious to anybody. But Finn... well... I guess Finn was just being overly concerned as usual, and I’m grateful for his intention more than I was for his manner of expressing it.

“
H
urting
, still,” I glumly responded. “But we’re coping. In due time we’ll be okay, hopefully, though I don’t know when that will be... if ever it will come.”

H
e sat
by the side of my bed, the same spot that Nash used to occupy.

“
T
he pain will always be there
,” he told me. “Just like the happy memories you have of him. But the pain... it is necessary. You will always remember him, Andrea... and with remembering, you will be reminded that he’s gone. A necessary evil, my dad used to say. If we try to forget the pain, we try to forget the person. I’d rather be hurt and remember, than be numb and forget.”

H
e knew
what he was talking about. Finn lost his sister due to Leukemia some three years ago.

“
Y
eah
, I guess so,” I said as I sat beside him. “But most of the time, the pain is just too much. Like it’s choking me breathless.”

“
T
he bad news
is that the pain will never go away,” he tried to explain. “The good news, though, is that you’ll learn how to live with it. And in
due time
- as you said - you’d be able to use it to motivate you, to inspire you, to make you strive to be a better person.”

F
unny
.

I
t’s been
a little over a week since Nash died, yet, that conversation with Finn was actually the first time I was able to talk about how I was dealing, and how I was supposed to deal, with Nash’s passing.

“
H
ow’s your
... your...” Finn found it hard to continue his question, but I knew immediately what he meant.

“
I
’m
on my sixth week now,” I said. “Aunt Susan and I went to the doctor this morning. The physician was nice. She said that I showed signs of a healthy pregnancy, but she informed me that I should visit her regularly.”

“
O
hhh
... that’s great, Andrea!” he enthused. The verve in his voice... it was so sincere, so wholehearted, so true. Before the incident at Paydirt Drive, I never thought Finn would be like that when he found out about my pregnancy. The kindness he has shown was movingly surprising. “I was really worried... what with the stress and all...”

“
W
ell
, nothing to worry about,” I assured him with a smile.

H
e fell
silent for a few seconds, twiddling his thumbs as if he was in deep thought.

“
N
ash is the father
, right?” he finally spoke.

I
just nodded
. It was a subject I didn’t want to discuss. It was a subject I wasn’t prepared to discuss.

A
gain
, there was a silence which was longer than the one that preceded it.

“
H
e’s a good man
,” Finn spoke. “Temperamental though. Moody too, so it seemed. Always angry. And he packed a mean punch.” He paused to chuckle. “But he’s a good man.”

“
H
e is
...
was
,” my correction made me sad once more.

“
W
hen you were abducted
, I gave your house a call and he answered,” Finn continued. “He was so worried about you. He told me what to do. Call the police and proceed to the address he gave. Then, he told me something else... something that completely changed how I viewed him.”

“
W
hat did he tell you
?” I asked rather impatiently, hungry for any information I could dig up about Nash.

“
H
e told
me to be careful,” Finn answered. “There he was, preparing to risk his life to save you... yet he found the time to tell me to be careful. Who wouldn’t respect a man like that?”

M
y heart was flooded
with a semblance of joy and a serving of pain. Finn’s revelation made me proud of Nash, but it also made me feel very miserable as I was once again reminded that he was no longer with us.

“
Y
our kid will be great
!” Finn exclaimed. “I’m actually excited!”

“
T
hanks
, Finn.”

“
J
ust remember
, Andrea...”

“
W
hat
?”

“
I
’ll be the father
...”

W
hat the fuck
?!

“
W
-What do you mean
, Finn?” I asked him distressfully.

“
T
he godfather
!” he sniggered. “I wouldn’t settle for anything less. If you don’t get me as your child’s godfather on his... or her... christening, then forget that we ever knew each other, okay?”

“
O
kay
, Finn,” I confirmed with a wide beam.

“
W
ell then
, it’s getting late and you, my dear, will need your rest,” he said as he stood up and started to walk towards the window. “Always take care of yourself, Andrea, and if you need anything... anything at all... just call the future godfather of your baby, alright?”

“
I
f you say so
, Finn,” I assured him as I got up from bed as well and escorted him towards the sill from where he came from.

H
e went out
, balancing unsteadily on the edge once more. Then he turned back to look at me and smile.

“
G
ood night
!” he uttered before stepping into one of the loose bricks on the wall.

“
G
ood night
!” I answered back and turned towards the bed.

T
hen I heard him scream
, and it was followed by a loud thud on the ground below.

I
quickly dashed back
towards the window and peeked, and my suspicion was confirmed. He lost his balance and fell some fifteen feet below. He was picking himself up when I saw him.

“
I
-I’m alright
.... I’m alright,” he muttered. I didn’t know if he was convincing me or himself. He limped towards the back alley until he was embraced by the shadows, disappearing from my sight.

M
uch like Nash
, whenever he left my room before.

I
spent
the rest of the evening thinking... about Nash, as usual... about my baby... about raising my child by myself. A lot of mothers do manage to rear their children perfectly well, a testament to their courage and strength. I just wished I could be one of them.

I
actually fell asleep
that night, which was a welcome change. But because slumber has been elusive the past week or so, I didn’t get to set my alarm clock.

I
didn’t wake
up to its usual ringing.

I
woke
up to the sound of my stepmother’s shriek.

S
till groggy
, I got up from bed and ran downstairs to check if everything was alright.

A
nd I saw her
, at the kitchen, in front of the microwave oven.

“
A
unt Susan
, what happened?” I asked with alarm.

S
he didn’t respond
. Instead, she just pointed at the microwave.

I
looked
at it and it was on. It was making that low, humming sound, and the plate inside was spinning.

“
A
unt Susan
... it’s the microwave,” I said. “That made you yelp?”

“
I
t’s
... it’s... it’s working,” she said with shock.

“
Y
es
, I can see that,” I told her. “It’s supposed to make that sound, and the food is supposed to spin inside, and the lights are supposed to be on.”

“
N
o
!” she bellowed. “I mean... it’s working!”

I
looked
at the oven again, and I remembered that the day before, it exploded. The fact that it was fixed again shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise, however, since it mustn’t have been broken in the first place.

“
A
unt Susan
, the oven blew up yesterday,” I began to explain. “But that’s because dad placed a metal plate inside. Maybe, it was just the plate that exploded, and the oven was left unharmed.”

“
N
o
!” Aunt Susan vehemently denied. “The oven was broken yesterday. The oven was still broken last night. I’m sure of that. I tried to turn it on, but it was just... dead...”

I
knew
what she was thinking, but it was impossible. I couldn’t blame her though. Being a mother, she’d cling to the tiniest of hopes - no matter how implausible it was - to see her son once again.”

I
placed
my arm around her shoulder and drew her head near my mouth. I gave her a soft kiss. It was the first tender act we shared. We were never expressive with each other, either verbally or physically. But at that time, I had to let her know that she was wrong, and it would be better for her to start moving on instead of holding on to an imagined desire.

B
ut she would not be dissuaded
.

“
H
e was here
!” she said, trying to curtail her exuberance. “Did you hear anything last night? This morning? Let’s check the floor for tracks!”

“
A
unt Susan
, I didn’t hear anything,” I reluctantly said as I didn’t want to spoil her joy. I wanted to tell her that he’s gone, but I couldn’t. The glee on her face, the life in her eyes... somehow, they made me happy too despite the impossibility behind them.