Out of the Blue (3 page)

“Hey, Romeo,” I said cautiously.

Cam looked up and appeared surprised to see me as I stood next to the counter. He must’ve been lost in thought. He dropped the spoon he was using into the pot and hugged me, burying his head in my shoulder.

“I love you too, Romeo. What’s all this about?” I asked, rubbing his back.

“Sorry,” Cam said, pulling back to look at me with tired eyes. “Night shift has my brain scrambled. I’m glad it’s over.”

“Okay?” I wasn’t sure it was just night shift. I wrapped my arms around him once more and Cam rested his head against me. “Anything I can do to help?” Cam could become distant after a bad call. It usually wore off after a day or two, but I had never seen him this strung out before. My nerves were zinging throughout my body.

Cam shook his head, then looked at me with warm hazel eyes that glittered with moisture. He flinched and my heart ached to see them filled with worry and concern, but I knew not to push, at least not now.

“How’s the sauce coming along?” I asked, more to change the subject than anything else. I knew the sauce would be fabulous.

Cam shook his shoulders and pulled himself together. A slight grin appeared, but it didn’t hide his uneasiness. “The sauce is good. Better than last time, I think.”

“That’s good. Do I have time for a shower?” I asked, kissing his cheek.

“Go ahead, I have to get the bread in the oven, then I’ll dish it up. Take your time.”

“Put the bread in the oven on low and come join me.”

“I already showered. I’ll set the table while you get cleaned up.”

Huh.
It wasn’t like Cam to turn down an offer like that.

Ten minutes later and dressed in clean sweats, I made my way back to the kitchen. It was quiet, with no radio or TV on in the background like usual. I rounded the corner of the kitchen, saw the table was set and Cameron was back at the stovetop stirring the sauce. “You okay?” I asked.

“Yes, why?”

“You look like the sauce has offended you.”

“Sorry, babe, it was a pretty bad accident, but nothing I haven’t seen before. Having trouble getting the images out of my head, that’s all.” Cam glanced at me, then turned and got the bread from the oven.

I came up behind him and stilled his movements as I wrapped my arms around his waist. “As long as you’re okay,” I said as I kissed the back of his neck. He patted my hands where they rested on his stomach, and I released him and stepped back, allowing him to serve dinner.

We talked a little as we ate. He was right, it was one of the best sauces he’d made, but what should have been a relaxed meal felt strained. Although Cam sat opposite, he didn’t raise his head to look at me, preferring to play with his fork and push his meal around the plate while he spoke. After we had cleaned up the dinner plates, we sat on the couch to watch TV, like any other night, but Cam’s shoulders were tight with tension, and he became more and more rigid as the night wore on.

I patted my thigh. “Lie down, Romeo.” I wanted to help ease his stress.

Cameron lay down with his head on my lap and I ran my fingers through his hair. We spoke occasionally about the show we were watching, his eyes never leaving the screen, and I could feel him start to relax as I rubbed his scalp. His breath evened out, and he was asleep. We stayed like that till the end of the next show when I woke him and suggested we go to bed. He stood and yawned, then stumbled down the hallway as I flicked off the lights and followed.

He came out of the bathroom as I walked in and I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head against his shoulder. Cam wrapped me up in a tight hold as he sighed and melted into me.

“You sure you’re okay?” I asked once more. He wasn’t himself, and my stomach twisted with concern.

“Hmm, need some sleep, I think. I’ll be better tomorrow.”

“All right, go climb in to bed, I’ll be there in a minute.”

I brushed my teeth, then climbed into bed, where he gathered me in his arms, his chest to my back, hugging me close.

“Love makes you brave, Romeo,” I whispered.

“You make me brave, babe,” he replied sleepily.

That night I got the first taste of his nightmares, and it scared the shit out of me.

“Jake! Jake, oh baby, I’m so sorry…” Cam whimpered.

I was half-awake when Cam’s soft cries worked their way slowly through my consciousness.

What the…?

“Jake… Jake!”

He cried harder, his body wracked with sobs. Sleep made my reaction time slower than normal, and my eyes hadn’t adjusted to the dim light as his arms flew out and nearly hit me in the face. I touched his shoulder lightly as I tried to ease him awake. Clearly distressed, he looked like he was in pain and tears streamed down his face. Cam was always the tough one. Always the one to look out for me. Not that I was weak, I could take care of myself, but Cam was a firefighter and had a protective streak.

“Jaaaaaaaake!” Cam screamed in abject terror, which stopped my breath in my throat and turned my veins to ice.

Without thought, I threw myself on top of him and pinned him with my weight. I grabbed his arms and held them to his sides in the hope of stilling his thrashing. Cam could throw me off in a heartbeat, but the jolt of my body on his must have jerked him awake. His screams stopped as he broke my hold and wrapped his strong arms around me.

Cam’s breath was harsh and loud against my throat as he whispered my name over and over again. Tears tracked down his red, puffy face.

“Jake, baby. Please don’t leave me, please don’t go. Stay with me, Jake, baby?” Cam’s whimpers were getting hysterical, and I realized he wasn’t awake like I’d thought. His mind was still trapped in his nightmare, and my throat closed as his fear washed over me.

“C’mon, Romeo, wake up for me.” My voice cracked with my panic. He held me so tight I couldn’t move my body, but I lifted my head to kiss him, hard, in the hopes it would bring him back to me. My tears fell to meet his.

“C’mon, Cam, wake up. Wake up and see me. C’mon, Romeo, I need you.”

I showered his face with kisses and whispered soothing words. Soon his breath slowed and he loosened his tight grip. I continued to kiss him gently as I eased my body next to his. Cam kept his arms around my waist as he gathered me to him, our bodies close together. Cam nuzzled my neck and kissed my collarbone as he whispered against my bare skin, “Stay. Stay with me.”

He never woke, and he never let me move away from him. I lay awake for the remainder of the night as I listened to his soft snores against my skin. I wondered what the hell had happened.

Cam struggled. There were times when he looked at me and things were normal, but then there were times when he fought to meet my gaze. It all centered on the traffic accident he’d attended, and although he told me the basics I knew Cam had trouble getting some of the images out of his head, although they never usually hung around this long, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was about those images that had him on edge.

He told me a number of people died that night, that he and his team had helped as many people as they could, but they couldn’t save them all. It was a guilt he, and I presumed the rest of the firefighting population, carried every day.

We still made love, but it was different. I knew it wasn’t my imagination when he insisted on doggie style, where previously it had been his least favorite position. Cam had always insisted on being able to look at me when we both came. He wrestled with himself to maintain eye contact, and I could see his internal battle between wanting to look at me and the need to look away.

He was hurting and in turn hurting me as well.

I insisted on missionary one night and he alternated between staring at the ceiling and closing his eyes. Sex between us had always been great, but now there was a disconnect that twisted my stomach with an uneasiness I had never felt. I didn’t want to push Cam for answers, fearing he would retreat and shut down completely, but he needed to get it out. Why wouldn’t he tell me more about the accident? We had been together for nearly ten years, yet he was unable to talk about this? It didn’t make sense.

Although he couldn’t seem to look at me, Cam texted me more often than usual. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but his excuses for texting became lame.
What do you feel like for dinner? Do you want to watch that movie that just released?
Those were fine, although not like Cam, but they moved into weird territory quick.
Are you walking home today? Text me when you leave. Have you left yet? God, how long does it take you to walk home?
When I got home, Cam would sigh in relief and shake his shoulders, like he was trying to shake off the tension.

The following week, Cam was on day shift and I was due to meet Caroline. We’d been friends since we were ten years old, as her parents owned the land next door to Aunt Cece’s vineyard, where I spent every summer. After my parents were killed in a car accident the night of my twenty-first birthday, I dropped out of Northwestern and moved to the Bay Area. It made sense, my only living family was here and I needed the emotional support. I joined Caroline at Berkeley, studied the same degree, and now we worked in the same building, but for different companies. She’d also become great friends with Cam’s sister, Beth, as in the early days of our relationship it was always the four of us hanging out together. They were still firm friends even though Beth now lived in LA and I knew they still kept in contact often. Caroline knew everything about me, even some things Cam didn’t, and she was a great sounding board when I needed advice. Sometimes I thought she knew me better than I knew myself.

I met Caroline outside the Westfield building on Saturday morning, and for a change she was on time. We hugged hello and she soon whisked me off to the dress department of Nordstrom
to get the “perfect dress” for her date that night.

“So the problem started with the freeway accident?” Caroline asked as we wandered the dress racks.

“Yes, I could tell it was a bad call, but I didn’t worry too much about it. I’m sure he’s dealt with some pretty awful stuff, but he never tells me the details, which I’m glad for. I can only imagine some of the things he’s witnessed, and the news reports said this accident was one of the worst they’d seen. Cam’s team was one of the first to respond so I know he had to deal with death and critical injuries.”

“You don’t think it could be anything else?”

“I don’t know. We don’t see a lot of each other when he’s on nights.”

“I’m wondering if something else triggered the weird behavior. Cameron’s been to car accidents before, even bad ones—” Caroline shuddered with the thought. I did too. “—so why would this have such an impact on him?”

“I don’t know, but his texts have gotten a little weird too.” I explained the text messages, and I saw a light bulb go off behind her eyes.

“Uh, I don’t want to say this, because I don’t see it happening myself, but have you considered that Cam might be… stepping out on you?” Caroline asked warily.

“What? God no, of course not. How the hell did you come to that idea?” Cam was the last person who would be unfaithful. However, the mention of two-timing instantly brought my ex to mind. I shuddered at the memory; after all this time, the betrayal still cut deep.

“He’s asking where you are, what time you’re going to be home. Why?”

“He’s also forbidden me to drive.” That stopped her in her tracks.

“Okay, that
is
weird. What else has been going on with him? Problems at work? His family?”

“As far as I know, everything else is fine. This whole thing began when he attended that big traffic accident on Monday night. He said he had trouble getting the images out of his head and blamed it on being tired from coming off a row of night shifts. He’s been acting strangely ever since. He seems melancholy whenever he looks at me, sort of sad and afraid.”

“Have you asked him about it?”

“Yes, but he shrugs it off, he won’t admit to any weakness. He’s a firefighter. He risks his life every day to save others. That’s what he does.”

“I hate to say this, Jake, but it seems like the problem here is you.”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “You’re so funny. Let’s find you a dress, and then we can look for my wedding rings.”

Caroline did a good job of keeping the mood light as we looked for a dress for her date, yet what she said in jest crept into my thoughts.

What if I
am
the problem?

I tried not to think about it as we continued our day. Caroline stopped in front of a jewelry store. “Come and take a look in here,” Caroline said as she tried to open the door, hampered by the bags hanging off her arms. Grabbing the large ornate handle, I opened the door for her.

“What type of wedding band are you looking for?” she asked as she browsed the glass cabinets.

“I’ll know it when I see it. I’m sure the right one will jump out at me and I won’t be able to resist.”

“May I help you?” asked the saleslady from behind the counter. She was older, impeccably dressed, with her silver hair in a tight bun. She gave me that
please buy something, I’m behind on my commission
look.

“I’m just browsing at the moment. I’m not sure exactly what I’m after,” I replied.

“A gift for your girlfriend, perhaps?” She winked, nodding her head toward Caroline, who stood on the other side of the store.

Before I could answer, Caroline waved me over to where she was looking into one of the glass cabinets.

I smiled apologetically to the saleslady and made my way over.

“Have a look at these.” Caroline was looking at a display of wedding bands. They all looked fairly generic at first glance.

“What?” I asked as I peered over her shoulder, trying to see what held her attention.

She’d put her bags down and leaned both hands on the glass as she tried to get a better look at the display. “Look at those two, there in the bottom left corner.” She pointed to two rings that had a channel of color running through the middle of the platinum.

“Would you like a closer look?” The saleslady had followed me around the counter and bent down to take the tray of rings out of the cabinet.