Out of the Blue (19 page)

How could I
not
hate myself? Look what I’d done to the man who was supposedly the love of my life. Despite all of the mistakes made, I did still love him.

I didn’t understand why, but Cam sat with me on the floor, his arms wrapped around me as I cried like a baby into his shoulder. I was so scared I’d hurt him and so ashamed of my behavior, I couldn’t look at him, and although his arms were warm and strong, my actions had left me feeling frigid. I shivered with a bone-deep cold.

Cam made coffee and sat in the armchair near the window as I settled on the couch, not feeling like myself at all. True to his word, he told me everything he left out from earlier in the evening, which was the full story of what happened with Kris. Cam’s voice was full of remorse and apologies, and he kept looking at me for reassurance to go on. I needed to hear it. I needed the whole truth, not just parts of it.

It turned out Kris wasn’t such a bad guy, just a dumbass whose judgment was as clouded as Cam’s. Which made my overreaction earlier all the more profoundly stupid.

It hurt like hell to hear again that Cam—although he hadn’t instigated it—had kissed Kris back. Past images flooded my mind and my skin flamed with returned hurt and humiliation. But I couldn’t stop blaming myself for part of this mess either. If I wasn’t such a stubborn bastard, if I had helped Cam more during those last few weeks instead of ignoring him or fighting, then maybe we wouldn’t be in this predicament now.

“Jake, stop it,” Cam said quietly from the window.

“What?” I knew what.

“I can see what’s going on in your head. Stop blaming yourself, babe, you didn’t do anything wrong. If I’d had the guts to tell you what was going on from the beginning, we wouldn’t be in this mess now.”

I had no answer to that. He was right, of course, but I still felt somewhat responsible.

“So what happens now?” I asked.

“I honestly don’t know. I’ve laid everything out on the table for you, I’ve told you everything like I said I would, and I promise I haven’t left anything out. I love you, babe, and I need you back in my life. I want us to be
us
again.”

“I don’t know what to do, Cam.” I owed it to him to be honest too. “I hate myself when I’m not with you. I’m bitter and angry, hurt and confused, and that’s on a good day. Before we went to the bar, we had a good time tonight, didn’t we? Almost like old times. But I can’t forgive myself for the way I reacted tonight. Even if you can, I can’t.”

“I know about Luke, and what he did, so I understand if you can’t trust me again… but…” Cam’s eyes were sadder now than I’d ever seen them.

“I know. I figured Caroline had told you.”

“I’m glad she did. You can tell me about it if you want to. If it’d help.”

“No, not right now anyway, I… I think I should go home.” Cam winced on the last word and my stomach churned. I
was
home.

Cam stood, running his hands through his hair. “Can I ask you something before you leave?” I nodded and met his eyes. “Why did you have a condom in your wallet? I mean, I don’t blame you if you’ve been… but we haven’t used them in years and…” Cam faltered, the emotion of the night weighing heavily on both of us.

I knew he trusted me; he wasn’t the one with those sort of issues. “Caroline was tired of watching me mope around the apartment. She put it in my wallet as a way of forcing me to think about life without you.”

We looked at each other for a long time, and I could see Cam trying to hide his disappointment. I didn’t want to voice my thoughts on starting a life without him and I suspected he was thinking the same.

“Can I call you?” Cam asked after the silence became too much.

“Sure. Give me a few days, okay?” I moved toward the front door, wanting to leave, yet not. I wanted to be wrapped in his arms again, safe and sound. I wanted the sun to stream through the bedroom window tomorrow morning, waking and warming us both.

Before I got to the door, Cam slammed into me from behind, wrapping warm arms around my body. Turning, I melted into him. Breathing him in, I hugged him tightly and buried my face in his neck. I had missed his warmth.

We stayed like that for a long time, yet not nearly long enough before I pulled back and looked at him, unshed tears made his eyes glisten. Cam had laid his heart out for me tonight and I knew what effort that had taken.

Cam’s lips landed on mine for a quick peck. “Bye, babe.”

I didn’t hear from Cam for the next couple of days; he’d promised to give me some time and he did. It was good—I needed the time to gather my thoughts about what had happened Friday night, the good parts and the bad—and yet, I craved his touch again. Even though the sex had been awful and it happened for all the wrong reasons, my body still desired his. Cam’s skin was smooth and soft, and it held a familiar warmth that felt like sunshine. I’d missed his touch and his body over the last few months, but it wasn’t until Friday night that I realized
how much
I missed it.

And how cold I was without it.

I wished I hadn’t overreacted so horribly when I saw Kris at the bar, and I wished the night had ended up with us in bed, worshipping each other like we used to. I needed to kiss him and taste him all over again. I wanted to familiarize myself with his body once more and learn how it had changed over the last few months.

I knew I shouldn’t have gone to bed with him again so soon. Cam wouldn’t have expected it or pushed for it, and I couldn’t get Luke out of my mind. The thing with Kris at the bar plus the sex just caused everything to jumble together. No matter how hard I tried, Cam and Luke resided side by side in my head.

Those thoughts made the betrayal feel new and raw all over again and my chest ached with the returned sensation of infidelity.

Prior to getting professional help, Cam had said that he needed time to overcome his issues. I hadn’t been brave enough to give him that time, and I fled to Caroline’s instead. Was it selfish of me to ask for time now? How much time did I need? And would Cam give it to me or would he give up on us like I had before?

Would there ever be enough time for me to forget Luke again?

Karma was an ironic bitch. It wasn’t lost on me that I was now asking for time from Cam because of images in my mind I couldn’t get rid of.

Cameron

Linda put me back on active duty the following week. Things were turning around and I could feel my life coming together again, and although I hadn’t seen Jake all week, we spoke on the phone a few times. As much as I wanted him back in my life and in my bed—
our
bed—I wasn’t going to push him. I would let him know I was here waiting for him and would wait forever if that’s what it took.

“Why don’t you court him?” Kris stood next to me in the locker room as we quickly pulled on our turnout gear, ready to go to a call in Pacific Heights. Poor Kris was even more remorseful than before, and after what happened Friday night, he felt he was obligated to apologize and make things right with Jake. I made him promise not to try until I gave him the go-ahead. It was a relief to know that my friendship with Kris had survived, and I was glad I had him to talk to. But if Jake asked me not to be friends with him anymore, I’d do it. Knowing how much my stupid lapse in judgment had hurt Jake, I wouldn’t be able to stay friends with Kris if it hurt Jake further. Luckily Jake wasn’t the type to give ultimatums.

“What?”

“You know, if Jake were a girl, I’d suggest sending flowers and taking her out for a nice dinner. But… well, he’s not… so you need to figure out the manly version of those things.”

“That’s what you’d do?
Court
him?”

“Sure, he needs to know that he’s still loved and wanted, right? Flowers say that, but Jake’s not the least bit girly, so what’s the guys’ version?”

“God, I’m surprised you get laid at all.” I chuckled, but I wasn’t going to admit he had a point.

“Hey!”

An apartment fire on the third floor meant lots of people standing around and getting in our way. “Mason, Brandon. Put the perimeter guards up and get the residents to stand back,” I yelled out as Kris and I got the hoses ready.

It didn’t take very long to douse the flames. The apartment that caught fire had only spread to the one next door instead of the entire four-story building. Unfortunately for the residents, though, no one was allowed back inside for the next few days at least, as cleanup began and the insurance adjustors went through. I knew from experience how much smoke and water damage would have occurred to the adjoining apartments and none of them were in for an easy cleanup.

Packing up, I saw Kris talking to two of the residents… they looked too distraught to be onlookers. Kris laid a hand on one of the guy’s shoulders as he looked up at Kris, shaking his head. I recognized the two men as the Black Brothers, the duo from the bar on Friday night. Kris took a pen and notepaper from his pocket and wrote something down, then handed it to one of the brothers. I couldn’t tell which was which, as both had messy hair from the rush to vacate the building. They held on to each other and shook their heads in unison to whatever Kris said.

Kris turned and saw me looking at him, and when I raised an eyebrow, he turned back to the twins and gave the other man’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before running toward me with a grin on his face.

“What’s the grin for? You’re not flirting on the job, are you?” I asked with mock disgust.

To my surprise, Kris didn’t say a word, only smiled and loaded the truck. “Didn’t peg you to be into twins,” I chided.

“Ugh, Jesus, Cam. No, I’m not, you sick bastard. Just one. He’s got this whole”—Kris waved his hand around like I was supposed to know what he was talking about—“thing about him, I guess. I don’t know what it is. He’s quiet and broody and lets his brother do most of the talking. Something about him makes me wanna know him, you know?”

Looked like Kris had a crush. It was good to see after his breakup with Nikky. I wasn’t sure if he’d been with anyone since, but I’d be surprised if he had. He didn’t seem the type to play around with just anyone.

Jake

A week after my date with Cam, I was in the kitchen preparing dinner when a huge bouquet of red roses came walking through the door of Caroline’s apartment.

“These are for you.” Caroline’s disembodied voice came from behind the largest floral arrangement I’d ever seen.

“Who’re they from?”

“Give you one guess, Mr. Oblivious,” she grumbled as she placed the flowers on the counter.

“Why would he send me roses? I’m not a girl.”

I opened the attached card and two tickets for the 49ers vs the
Bears
preseason game fell out onto the counter.

I know you’re not a girl. The roses are for Caroline. I’ll pick you up at 1pm :)

I pushed the arrangement over to her. “They’re for you.”

“Ah, the old best-friend buyoff. He’s sucking up to both of us. He’s not all that stupid, is he?” Caroline asked, looking over my shoulder at the card and tickets.

“You know what he’s doing, don’t you?” Caroline asked.

“Taking me to the Bears game?” I took a closer look at the tickets. Seats on the fifty-yard line in two days’ time.

“No, dumbass, he’s wooing you.”

“Wooing?”

“Yes, he’s dating you. He’s taking you back to the beginning. He wants you to get to know the new Cameron Cooper. You know, I never thought he’d do it this way, I just thought he’d ask you to come home and not take no for an answer.”

That’s what I’d thought too.

The game was great. It had been a long time since either of us had gone to a game, and the atmosphere was electric. Cam wore his 49ers
shirt and I wore my Bears cap, and whenever either team scored, the other person had to buy the beers. Needless to say, the 49ers won and I ended up paying for a lot of beer.

Happily buzzed from the alcohol, we walked out of the stadium together, shoulders brushing slightly. It was a warm afternoon and I didn’t want the day to end.

“What do you want to do now?” Cam asked.

He must’ve known what I was thinking. I smiled at him. “Don’t know. It’s a gorgeous day, though, it’d be a shame to waste it.”

“I was hoping you’d say that. Come on, I’ve got just the spot.”

Pier 39 was always filled with tourists, and today wasn’t any different. I decided to act like one as well and let my natural Midwestern accent out to play. My accent always made Cam laugh, although it had diminished a bit over the years, but he played along and pretended to give me the highlights of the Bay Area. We browsed the market stalls filled with colorful souvenirs and watched the sea lions soak up the afternoon sun. We chased each other through the mirrored maze like a couple of preteens, then fell in a giggling heap when we collided. It was very manly.

We ate dinner at the Crab House and washed it down with Beer 39. It was loads of fun, and by the end of the day, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

Caroline was right, as always. Cam showed me a new side to him. He had always been fun to be around, but now he talked and shared
everything
and he kept up a constant stream of chatter. I loved it, it was one of the best dates we’d been on, and like a true gentleman, he dropped me off at Caroline’s front door with nothing but a quick peck to the lips and promise to call.

Exhausted from such a big day and with a smile on my lips, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Cameron

I dated the hell out of Jake.

Whenever my shift schedule allowed, I dated my boyfriend of nine years. I knew he needed time and the last thing I wanted to do was push him to make a decision before he was ready. If I did, he’d most likely make the wrong one. The wrong one for
us
.

We saw a movie one night during the week. I wined and dined him on the weekends whenever I could. We went for runs along the Bay and had lunch at Golden Gate Park.