Out of the Blackness (26 page)

But Noah…Noah sees it as cause for celebration and a bit of a party. Heat suffuses my entire body as a glorious but unrecognizable emotion spreads through me. I grab his face in my hands and bring his lips to mine, hoping, praying he can tell from the kiss just how much this means to me.

“Okay, lovebirds,” Kira breaks in, “this cake is getting heavy and I really don’t want to set the place on fire. Break it up already.”

Reluctantly, I pull away from Noah and turn to the hallway full of my friends, my family—people who, I understand now, truly care about me. I wonder if I’ll ever stop smiling. A giggle escapes me and I clamp a hand over my mouth, eyes wide.

Everyone laughs as Noah moves to take the cake from Kira. “Come on in, everybody. I want to get a couple of pictures with Avery and the cake, then we’ll dig in.”

I accept hugs from everyone as they pass, too overwhelmed to be nervous about it, and follow them all into the kitchen. Noah makes me pose with the cake and I laugh when I get a good look at it. It’s Rogue driving a go-kart out of a book. It couldn’t be more perfect.

Once they’ve all blinded me with camera flashes, Noah cuts into the cake and Kira adds scoops of ice cream to everyone’s plates. I settle on one of the barstools, listening with a smile to the fast and furious banter between the K’s and Noah. Brian and Molly join in where they can, but it’s clear they don’t know the other four as well. As usual, Josh just takes it all in, smiling indulgently at his more gregarious husband. Kaleb has hinted that Josh endured a painful past but neither of them has ever spoken of it more specifically. I wonder how much we have in common there and hope, for Josh’s sake, that it isn’t much.

I feel Noah’s hands on my shoulders and turn to smile up at him. He beams down at me and my breath catches in my throat at the happiness in his eyes.

“Good surprise?” he queries, flashing those dimples.

“Very.”

“You’re not mad?”

I blink. “At what?”

“At me. For inviting all these people to interrupt our quiet dinner together.”

I shake my head and smile again. “No.” My gaze falls to his chest as emotion rushes through me. “Noah, no one has ever done this for me before.”

His hand cups my cheek, caressing my lips with his thumb. Like Pavlov’s dog, I’m well trained: I’m already anticipating his kiss. “I figured,” he says, his smile dimming a bit.

I hate to see his happiness drain away. “Don’t get me wrong; Sam has always celebrated with me. He says it’s something brothers get to do for each other.” I try for a joke. “I think it’s just an excuse for more cake.” His dimples flash again and my heart skips a beat. “This is the best surprise ever. Thank you.”

He leans forward to kiss me. He tastes of chocolate cake and caramel-coconut frosting. “I’m glad you’re happy,” he whispers. “Happy birthday, baby.”

As he kisses me again and the catcalls start—again—I blush with embarrassment and the realization that Noah’s right. In this moment, right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

An hour or so later, as everyone else is getting ready to leave, Kaleb steers me into the kitchen. “Have you two talked about our conversation yesterday?” he asks, seeming almost uncomfortable.

Still on an emotional high, I study my friend carefully. “Actually, we have.”

Kaleb looks at the floor. “Listen, I really need to apologize. I spoke out of turn. It’s none of my business how you and Noah conduct your relationship. Josh is plenty pissed about my meddling.” He grins at me sheepishly. “He said I wouldn’t get any again until I apologized to you.” Now he looks aghast and I almost laugh. “Not that that’s why I’m apologizing. Shit. This isn’t going at all like I planned.”

This time I do laugh at him. “Kaleb, you don’t need to apologize. I know you only have Noah’s best interests at heart—”

“Yours, too,” he quickly interjects.

“Thank you. I know that, too. You made some good points that I’m going to be thinking about for a few days, but Josh and Noah are also right: this isn’t any of your business. I say that with love, I hope you know that.” At his nod and smile, I continue. “I don’t know what’s happening between Noah and me. I know we’re friends and I know he wants more, but I also know I’m not quite ready for that. You’ve said Josh had a painful past you had to overcome. I’m sure that took time, right?”

“A damn long time,” he admits with more than a hint of residual frustration.

I laugh. “You made it through it; that’s the important thing, Mr. Impatient. I’m still coming to terms with my past and what that means about my future. I care for Noah very much and I never want to hurt him, but what that means for us as friends—or anything else—I just don’t know yet. You have to let us figure it out on our own, in our own time.”

Kaleb grins. “I just want you both to be happy. I can see how perfect you are together. I can’t help it if the way you’re dancing around each other drives me insane.”

I roll my eyes, thinking how proud Kendall will be when I tell her about tonight. “It’s a short drive, Kaleb. You’re just going to have to circle the block a few times.”

He barks out a laugh and pulls me into a hug. “Happy birthday, little brother. For the record, I’m sorry if I caused you any distress yesterday. I love you both, you know?”

I squeeze him for a second and step back. “I know. We love you, too. Now go home. And thank you for coming tonight. It means more than you’ll ever know.”

***

Noah shuts the door behind the last straggler just as my phone rings in my pocket. I’m not surprised to hear Sam’s voice on the other end. “Happy birthday, little brother,” he says. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the party tonight.”

I laugh. “Thank you. I wish you could have been here. It was amazing. I can’t believe you guys pulled it off without me ever suspecting.”

Sam laughs. “Hey, it was all Noah. The rest of us just knew when and where. Unfortunately, some idiot decided to go the wrong way on the interstate or I’d be there, too.”

“Oh, no,” I gasp, imagining carnage. “Is everyone okay?”

“Mostly,” he hedges. “It isn’t as bad as you’re probably imagining. But never mind that. I just called to say happy birthday. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Sam,” I answer, the words coming easy now.

We hang up and I replace the phone in my pocket. I watch as Noah comes back into the living room from the kitchen, something hidden behind his back. “Another piece of cake already?” I tease.

“What? No.” He blushes and sits beside me on the couch, still hiding his hands behind him. “It’s time for presents.”

“Pres—? What?”

“Well, present, really. It’s only one.” He pulls a small rectangular box from behind him and hands it to me.

I stare at the beautiful burgundy wrapping paper with a silver loop of ribbon, more than a little breathless. “You didn’t have to get me anything. You’ve done enough. This is the best birthday I’ve ever had.”

“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. I saw it and I knew you had to have it. Open it,” he encourages with a grin in his voice.

I take in the beautiful man before me, then carefully unwrap the package. Inside the paper is a black velvet box that I recognize is for jewelry. “What is it?” I whisper, unable to make myself open it.

He laughs softly. “Open it. You’re making me a nervous wreck.”

I glance up at him again and notice that his cheeks are a little flushed and the pulse point in his neck is fluttering wildly. Gathering all my courage, I close my eyes and lift the lid carefully.

“Baby, you have to open your eyes to see it.”

Embarrassed, I slam my eyes open and gasp. Lying on the black velvet lining is a gorgeous silver dog tag-shaped pendant on a black leather cord. “Noah,” I whisper in awe.

“Read it,” he says, reaching up to stroke my hair.

“‘With the courage to be myself, I am beautiful,’” I read, choking up on the last word. I look up at him through tear-filled eyes. “Thank you. It’s beautiful.”

“So are you.” He leans over and brushes his lips across mine. He lifts away from me, his thumb caressing my bottom lip. “You’ve shown so much courage the last few months, working through your therapy, taking those online classes
and
a new job.” He smirks.” Learning to become comfortable with me touching and kissing you. You just amaze me every day, Aves. I couldn’t be more proud of you.” His mouth claims mine again and he touch between us is electric, sending tingles racing through my body. I slip my fingers into his hair, anchoring him to me, the only signal he needs to deepen the kiss. I get lost in the feel and taste of him like always. This gorgeous, sexy, tender-hearted man means so much to me, so much more than I ever could have imagined five short months ago. I want it to be like this forever, this simple and pure and easy, but I know deep in my heart it can’t. One day soon I’m going to have to make a decision to be as courageous as Noah believes me to be, or to live safely and not cross that next boundary of fear. When he touches me like this, I want nothing more than to be the man he sees. I just hope he really sees me and not just someone he hopes I can be.

Moments later, far too soon, he pulls back, breathing hard, and presses a kiss to my forehead. “Let me put it on you.”

I watch as he takes the leather cord from the box and clasps it carefully behind my neck. The weight of the leather and the silver feel heavy and foreign, but I love it. It’s the second greatest gift Noah has given me, the first being himself.

***

Two valium pump through my system and still I’m a nervous wreck. I pull the dog tag from under the collar of my shirt and stroke it, willing my legs to keep walking down the hallway. All I want to do is run as far and as fast as I can away from here, but I know how important this is. On one side of me, Noah takes my hand. I flash a trembling smile his way, hating how weak I am. On the other side, Sam squeezes my shoulder in reassurance and I take a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

“Are you ready?” he asks.

I close my eyes and nod. I have no choice. It’s now or never, hopefully literally.

“You don’t have to do this, you know. We can watch the CCTV feed.”

I shake my head. “No. That’s only television, like another episode of
Law & Order
. I have to see him with my own two eyes. I have to watch him while the judge puts him away.”

Sam nods, a proud smile teasing his lips. “Okay, let’s go.”

He pulls open the door to the courtroom and I almost bolt for freedom. If this is how I feel just being an observer, I can’t imagine how actual criminals feel. Sam and Noah lead me to the first bench and we slide in to wait. I fidget nervously, still fingering the dog tag. There is nothing I want more in the world than to see Tommy Blevins put in prison, but the idea of actually seeing him, being in the same room with him freaks me out. Even though I know he’ll be in handcuffs and ankle restraints, I can’t imagine any way he wouldn’t be able to get to me if he wanted to badly enough.

Tommy has pled guilty to felony assault on a law enforcement officer, felony possession of methamphetamine with intent to sell or distribute, unlawful possession of a firearm by a felon, possession of firearm with altered serial numbers, and the commission of a violent act while in possession of a controlled substance. He’s going away for a long time. The only question is how long the judge thinks is long enough.

I lean forward, head in hands to control my breathing. I’m confronting the second greatest ghost from my past today. Once it’s all over I’ll be able to feel pride in that, but right now it’s all I can do to sit calmly waiting. I feel Noah’s hand rub calming circles on my back and I close my eyes, allowing myself to remember August, the last time I saw Tommy Blevins.

That day was hot and humid, even by August standards. Everything stuck wetly together, especially clothing and skin. People were limp with exhaustion and short tempered from the weeklong heat wave. I’d had the day off, so I took myself out of the apartment with its insufficient air conditioning and went to the mall. I knew that despite the heat from other people moving around there seeking relief from the heat, it would be cooler than our apartment. I was sure I could find a nice quiet corner in a bookstore, sip an iced coffee and enjoy the frigid air in peace. Why I didn’t just go to my own store, I’ll never know.

I didn’t often venture out on my own, especially to the mall, but the oppressive heat obviously short-circuited my better senses. I’d been at the store for a couple of hours, drank a couple of iced coffees and was really getting into a Bart Yates book I had purchased when I had to go relieve my bladder.

As the bookstore didn’t offer public restrooms, I had to traipse halfway across the mall to the massive one just off the food court. I’d just finished my business and zipped up, my new book between my upper arm and my ribs, when I heard the sound I’d hoped and prayed never to hear again.

“Tucker,” Tommy Blevins spat at me, calling me by the only name he knew.

I jerked my head toward the sound of his voice to see him and two other men standing just inside the doorway.
Always with a posse
, I thought irrationally, even as his name escaped me on a shocked, frightened whisper.

“So it is you,” he growled. “What are you doing in here, you little faggot? Looking for some cock to suck?”

The cold steel of the first cubicle wall pressing against my back was the first indicator that I’d been backing up even as Tommy slowly advanced on me. The only escape route lay behind him, guarded by his two thugs. “I-I just needed to p-pee,” I stuttered out, the fear I felt skyrocketing to panic at the menace in his words.

Tommy smiled at me, baring blackened, uneven teeth. He looked different, older of course, but harder in the eyes, softer in the belly. My book slipped from my grip and hit the tiled floor with a small thump. “I owe you and that piece of shit Sammy a thank you for getting me out of that group home.” He took three more steps toward me. I trembled with terror and loathing. I hated him, but I hated me more for putting myself in this position.

Tommy cracked his knuckles like some lowlife out of a movie and his thug gallery laughed. I heard one of them slide the door’s deadbolt into place and I knew it was all over but the pain. Pain I deserved for being so monumentally stupid as to come here alone, for being me, for continuing to draw breath long after I should have stopped.