Out of the Blackness (10 page)

It’s ridiculous, I know, but I have to be practically glowing with happiness. Aside from Thanksgiving, which doesn’t really count because of Kira, this is the first day we’ve had off together in months. It’s not that I resent Kira for taking up so much of Sam’s time, because I really don’t. He deserves to be happy and Kira helps push him over into that almost-giddy zone. But I do miss being able to spend large blocks of time with him. After all, not counting the year he was away before liberating me from state custody, we’ve practically been joined at the hip since the first day we met.

Not in any sort of sexual sense. Sam has always been the straight older brother in our relationship, where I’ve been the asexual younger one. I’ve always known I’m gay. It was never a question, strangely enough. Just as it has never been a question that I won’t—cannot—act on the vague interests I have in men. There is just no way I can possibly let myself be that unguarded. With only a few exceptions—Sam, the K’s, and Molly—touch means pain. Tommy Blevins taught me the final lesson Carl’s beatings had been building up to. And then there’s August to try to forget.

Before I let my mind carry me into those dark memories, I force all bad thoughts from my brain and concentrate on the really important thing—that Sam and I get to spend the day together, just us doing something fun.

I beam a smile at him. “Can we go to Go-kart World? And the comics shop?”

Sam nods with a smile. He knows me so well. The only time I really let loose is at Go-kart World. And I only want to go there when I’m already in a great mood. Sam’s always up to go there, so it’s an easy sell.

“And maybe have dinner at IHOP?”

Sam laughs. “Easy, slugger. You and I both know that by the time we get done at Go-kart World, you won’t have room for dinner.”

I agree with a shrug. In addition to the go-karts with three awesome indoor tracks, the gargantuan complex also has mini-golf, bumper cars for the kids, and the best cotton candy I’ve ever tasted. Right next to the video game arcade is a pretzel shop with amazing hotdogs and corndogs. It isn’t the kind of place I go often. Most days it’s chock full of people, from toddlers to Q-tips, the white-haired brigade of grandparents, with a majority of the patrons being in their teens. But every now and then, with sufficient pharmacological preparation and a good enough mood, I’m able to find enough strength to enjoy all the offerings.

***

The noise. The crowd. The thrill. It’s all so unlike me, but I so seriously love this place, if only for a few hours at a time. There’s just something about the control I have when I’m in one of the go-karts. It’s one of the few times I get to be in total control. The huge, heavy helmet conceals my identity from the other racers, so no one knows it’s the human punching bag who just smoked them in the race.

It’s my time to relax and have fun. I know I’m safe here. Not just because Sam is with me, but because Kira’s two brothers own the place. They love Sam almost as much as Kira does, which means they watch out for me just like Sam. It’s strange and it made me nervous the first few times we were here after Sam and Kira started dating, but now it’s almost like having three Sams.

But for some reason, when I walk in here, none of that matters. My only concern is getting Sam and me into suits, helmets, karts, and a race as soon as possible. I would never consider myself a competitive person, but when it comes to karting, it’s like Avery disappears and my dad’s son comes out. He named me Tucker after his grandfather, some big war hero. Here, in this building, about to go to go-kart war, I feel more like the Tucker my father must have envisioned when he named me than I ever did growing up. The kid with mental and physical scars from a lifetime of beatings seems to fade. It’s a thrilling release, even though I know it’s only temporary.

Sam squeezes my shoulder and I turn a big smile up at him. “Race, cotton candy, race, hot dog, golf, race. Is that about right?”

I laugh. “And maybe a race in the arcade before we leave?”

Sam laughs this time. “Alright. I’ll meet you at track three. I’m going to go say hi to Kyle and Kaleb.”

I nod and take off to the equipment rental counter. Maybe one of these days I’ll buy my own suit and helmet, but not quite yet.

***

There’s more to racing a kart than hitting the accelerator and steering the corners. A driver has to learn or know when to coast, when to break and when to hit the accelerator again. But most of all, he has to be aware of the other drivers and the barriers at dangerous speeds up to fifty miles per hour.

Usually, Kyle gives the racers a brief rundown and last second safety tips, those he hasn’t already given the novices in their pre-race training, but today that’s Kaleb’s job. He laughs and rolls his eyes at me when he sees me bouncing on the balls of my feet. I smile back at him, ready to get the show on the road. I’ve already smoked Sam in the first two races. Now I’m looking for complete victory. I know this one will be tough. This is the course he always beats me on, but today I’m feeling lucky. I know I’ll win.

Five minutes later, Kaleb comes by to check my seatbelts, a huge smile on his face. “You ready, kiddo?” he asks, tugging on my shoulder strap.

I nod enthusiastically under the heavy, hot helmet.

He draws back to look at me and I meet his blue gaze without a second thought. “When Sam marries my sister, are you gonna come live with me? I’ll take good care of ya.” He winks to show he’s joking. I laugh and shake my head. Kaleb always flirts shamelessly with me. If he wasn’t already in a long, happy relationship with Josh, I might worry, but Kaleb is the one man besides his twin brother Kyle who I know is low-risk enough I don’t have cause for concern. Neither is as harmless as Sam, but I know they care and they look out for me.

Noah.

I shiver as the thought of him slams into the front of my brain. Harmless is definitely not a word that would describe him. He may be trying to show me his beatific side, but anyone that powerfully built is definitely not harmless. Even Sam has had to prove on occasion that he can and will inflict harm on those who cross his carefully drawn lines. It makes my skin crawl to know that most of the hurt he has put on others is because of me.

Kaleb starting my kart’s engine startles me out of those dangerous thoughts and I turn my brain back to the race. Lifting my hands to the steering wheel shows they’re trembling slightly. I take a deep breath and roll my shoulders back, trying to keep loose and relaxed. When the light flashes green—go!—I slam down the accelerator.

This race is five laps along a twisty path that resembles a Formula 1 track in Spain. It’s by far the most nerve-racking and fun track here. It takes incredible concentration and nerves of steel to avoid the other eleven drivers, the walls and pylons. Sam and I exchange leads on the first two laps before another driver overtakes us both and I completely forget about Sam. It takes everything in me but I catch up to the third driver on the next to last turn, pass him on the outside of the last one and put a kart length between us by the end of the last straightaway.
Victory! Heck yeah!
I beat Sam and this mystery driver!

The driver unbelts himself and steps out of the kart. He is enormous, tall and muscular. I hope he has a sense of humor. I unbuckle my helmet, watching his efforts mirror mine. Sam’s huge hand clamps down on my shoulder as I lift the heavy helmet off my head.

“Great race, champ! I can’t believe you beat me!”

I grin at him over my shoulder and glance back at my nemesis from the race, the devilishly witty comeback dying in my throat at the sight of Noah Yates’s stunned expression.

His surprise gives way faster than mine. A huge grin spreads his lips wide for a moment before I see his eyes flick to Sam. He crosses the empty area between us before I can fully comprehend he’s here. He kneels a few feet away, stopping to redo the perfectly good loop in his shoelace.

“Nice driving, sport,” he says, grinning up at me.

My gaze finds my feet and I take notice of my racing heartbeat, much more the product of seeing Noah than from the excitement of the race. “Thanks,” I say quietly. I realize with a shock that I’m not feeling afraid, only shy.

“I’m Noah Yates,” he says to Sam.

My gaze flashes between the two of them and I swear I see two feral animals taking each other’s measure.

“Sam Kenyon. How do you know Avery?”

If the earth opens and swallows me whole right now, my only hope is that it doesn’t take these two with me. I know I’m not imagining the hostility in Sam’s voice, the extra pressure his hand is using to grip my shoulder.

But Noah only grins disarmingly. “I work at the furniture store right next to Flip the Page. Avery and I met a couple of months ago.”

I feel the recognition hit Sam’s body, but his grip doesn’t loosen and his stance doesn’t soften. “I see. Those were some pretty slick moves,” he says, meaning the race. Or at least I think he means the race.

Apparently Noah doesn’t think so, because he chuckles. “Don’t worry. My only slick moves are on the kart track.” A new thought seems to slam into his brain. “I’m sorry. Are you two together?”

“No!” I answer the same time Sam does.

“Yes.”

My gaze finds Noah's confused hazel one for a split second before I mumble in the direction of the floor. “I—I mean Sam’s my brother.”

Noah finally rises cautiously to his feet and I recognize once again just how tall he is. Strangely, though, in this setting, with Sam by my side and Kyle and Kaleb nearby, Noah's immense size doesn’t fill me with terror, not even with my usual wariness. Here, it’s just nice to see another friendly face, even one I’ve just whipped soundly in a race. He moves closer and slowly extends his hand to Sam. “It’s very nice to meet you, Sam,” he says.

“It’s nice to put a face to the name,” Sam concedes as he shakes Noah's hand firmly.

Noah flashes me a cheeky grin. “You’ve been talking about me?”

I don’t know what comes over me besides the heat of a blush, but I roll my eyes and say, “I might have mentioned that you keep bugging me on my breaks.”

Noah laughs delightedly, while Sam simply stares at me in shock, surprised, I suppose, that I would talk to a relative stranger that way. “I’ll take any win I can get,” Noah says and I know he’s talking about more than the race.

“Listen,” Sam says, “Avery and I were about to go get another hotdog. Would you like to join us?”

I turn surprised eyes to my brother, who merely smiles down at me like it’s the most natural request in the world, and maybe it is—in someone else’s world, but not mine.

Noah seems to sense my mood again. “I’d love to, but that was my last race. I really need to get going. Maybe a rain check?”

“Absolutely,” Sam says, extending his hand again. “It was very interesting meeting you, Noah. I look forward to seeing you again.”

Noah grasps Sam’s hand. “Likewise, Sam. Take good care of our friend here. See ya, champ.” He lightly tousles my slightly damp hair, the very first time he’s ever touched me. My scalp tingles where his big hand touched it and I gasp, not in fear, but in complete surprise. With a quick nod in my direction, Noah turns on his heel and departs. I can’t stop watching him walk away. It’s like the sway of that perfect butt has me hypnotized.

“Earth to Avery.”

“Huh?” I tear my gaze away from Noah's behind just as he rounds a corner out of sight and focus again on Sam, or try to. My mind keeps replaying Noah's retreat in vivid color.

“
That
is the guy you were all worried about a while ago?”

I frown, trying to follow the question. My scalp still tingles from Noah's touch, so I run my hand through my long, dark hair to fix that. “Oh. Yeah.”

Sam looks down at me, a mysterious tilt to one side of his mouth. “Interesting.” He nods in the direction of the food court. “Why don’t you go get us some food and I’ll meet you there in a bit. I want to have a quick word with Kaleb.”

A few minutes later Sam straddles the stool across the table from me. I push his hotdog and fries at him without looking up. “I don’t think you have to worry about Noah. I think he’s one of the good guys.”

Startled out of my thought of Noah, I gape at him. “You can tell that from five seconds of conversation?”

Sam laughs. “I’m a cop. It’s what I do. Actually, I asked Kaleb about him. It seems they’ve known each other since they were little kids. They grew up across the street from each other. Kaleb considers him one of his best friends.”

“Oh.” I’m not sure what to make of this new information, but it surprises me that Noah knows the K’s. It shouldn’t; for all its population, this really is a small town. I roll my eyes again, desperate to change the topic of conversation. I never intended for Sam and Noah to meet. Now that they have, I want to erase him from Sam’s mind as quickly and completely as possible. “So after we eat, do you want to try winning a race in the arcade?”

“Geez. You’re relentless today!” Sam shakes his head in mock disgust but takes a big bite of his hotdog and I relax a little, knowing the competition is back on.

***

The rest of the day goes by so fast. Sam and I stop off at the comics shop where I spend a small fortune. We have an early dinner at IHOP so I can indulge my love for stuffed French toast. And through it all I only think of Noah Yates when Sam asks about him. And every third minute after that.

It was such a surprise to see Noah outside of the bookstore. It’s almost as if I had convinced myself he didn’t exist outside my store and his. I rarely run into people from the store outside of it, and it always catches me off guard when I do. I’m always at a disadvantage when it’s a purely social moment; in the store, I have knowledge, so I have some sort of control. But Noah…Noah catches me off guard all the time.

Sam laughs and points out how I blush when I talk about Noah. It’s true. I recognize that he’s managed to get me to lower some of my defenses and that absolutely petrifies me. Sure, he may be a good guy. He may even be Sam-quality good. But I’m still me. Sooner or later he’ll figure out what I’m good for and start using me as the punching bag I am meant to be. And for some reason, the idea of taking a thumping from Noah hurts my heart more than I know his fists and feet will hurt my body.