Out of the Black (3 page)

She ran out, and he followed, his nails clicking across the floor after her.

Once she was gone, I leaned forward, elbows on knees, and rested my head in my hands. The pain was fading some, but the dream was still fresh in my mind. I closed my eyes against the images and tried to will them away.

I knew that eventually they would fade—they always did—but never fast enough.

I heard Anna pick up the phone, but I didn’t move until she called me. “Daddy, it’s Grandpa.”

“Shit.”

I eased out of bed and looked around for my pants. I found them on the floor in the corner of the room and slid them on. Then I grabbed a clean shirt from the drawer and walked out into the kitchen and the start of my day.

Anna was standing at the counter with a box of dog treats in one hand and the phone in the other. Dash was at her feet, jumping up and down, whining, but she was focused on the phone and didn’t seem to notice.

“No, he’s here,” she said. “I love you, too. Okay, bye, Grandpa.”

She handed me the phone.

I covered the receiver with my palm and said, “Go get ready for school. We’ll leave in a minute.”

“Okay.” She held out a treat for Dash, who devoured it in two bites. Then they both disappeared down the hallway.

I closed my eyes and put the phone to my ear. “Morning, Jerry.”

“She sounds good today. Got a spark in her voice.”

“She’s getting there,” I said. “Better every day.”

“That’s wonderful, Matt.” He paused. “How about you?”

“Good days and bad.”

“You don’t sound so good.”

“Long night.” I grabbed a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water. “Listen, I’ve got to walk Anna to school. Was there something you needed, or can we—”

“Just checking in,” he said. “I wanted to see how the job hunt was coming along. Any luck?”

“Not yet.”

“Sorry to hear it.”

There was no trace of sincerity in his voice, and end up dead in an alleypa, Matt. I could feel myself start to say something I knew I’d regret. I managed to stop before I did, but the urge was still there. I put the glass to my lips and drank until it was empty. Then I filled it again.

“Any prospects?”

“No,” I said. “I’ll hit the labor office after I drop Anna at school. Maybe I’ll get lucky. If not, I’ll keep looking.”

Jerry exhaled, long and slow. “Have you given any more thought to what we discussed?”

A thin stab of pain formed in the center of my head, and I closed my eyes. “No, and I’m not going to.”

“It wouldn’t be permanent,” he said. “Just until you’re back on your feet.”

“No, Jerry.”

“I’m only thinking about what’s best for Anna. It’s not—”

“I know what’s best for Anna.”

“Of course you do, but let’s be honest about the situation. You almost lost your house. You two were one step away from living out of your van.”

“It never came to that.”

Jerry hesitated. “Not this time.”

“It never will. I took care of it.”

“I never said you don’t do what needs to be done. You’re a good father, Matt, but everyone has rough patches. All we want to do is help.”

I felt the anger build inside me, and I pushed it back the best I could. “Thanks, but we’re fine.”

Jerry was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was soft. “I’m afraid Dorothy is going to insist.”

I laughed. “Let her. It doesn’t change anything.”

“Matt, I—”

“Anna is my daughter. She stays with me.”

“Dorothy’s not going to let this go.”

“She’d better.”

“Matt.” He paused. “You and I both know we have a strong case. The lawyers we’ve talked to—”

“The lawyers?” I started to say more, but Anna was in the next room, and I didn’t trust myself not to yell. “You have lawyers now?”

“Anna’s well-being is important to us, and we’ll go as far as we need to go. Don’t make us drag everything out into the light over this. That won’t be good for anyone.”

“Jesus, Jerry.”

“Once you’re back on your feet—”

“I haven’t been on my feet since the accident. There are no jobs out there. What makes you think that’ll change anytime soon?”

“Because it has to,” he said. “Even if it doesn’t, I know what kind of man you are. You’ll figure it out.”

“What kind of man is that?”

“The kind that will do whatever it takes to keep his family together.”

“You mean what’s left of it.”

The second the words were out of my mouth, I regrettes. Don’t worry.”’ased them. Jerry didn’t say anything, but I could tell I’d hit a nerve. Part of me felt bad, but it was a small part.

“Tell me something, Jerry,” I said. “If Beth were still alive, would you two still be doing this?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m asking if you and Dorothy are pushing so hard to take my daughter because you want to fill the hole left behind after yours died.”

“This has nothing to do with Beth.”

“Is that true? Because it looks—”

“Goddamn it, Matt.” Jerry’s voice shook. “We’re trying to do what’s best for our granddaughter, that’s all.”

“You keep saying that.”

Jerry was quiet. “It doesn’t have to be this way. We’re version="1.0"

Anna held my hand all the way to school, and she didn’t say anything until we stopped out front and I knelt down to give her a hug.

“Why were you fighting with Grandpa?”

“We weren’t fighting,” I said. “We were having a discussion.”

“About me?”

“About a lot of things.”

She looked down, silent. “I don’t want them to take me away from you.”

“What?” I reached out and lifted her chin. There were tears in her eyes. “Nobody is going to take you away.”

“I heard you tell Grandpa—”

“They want you to come stay with them for a while, that’s all.”

“What about you?”

I tried to smile, but it didn’t work. “No, not me.”

“What about Dash?”

“I don’t think Dash would let you go anywhere without him, do you?”

Anna seemed to think about it for a moment. Then she said, “He’d like it up there. Lots of squirrels to chase.”

“How about you?” I asked. “Would you like it there?”

She shook her head, slow.

“Are you sure?”

“I want to stay with you.” of yellow legal paper">okke

“Then you’ll stay with me,” I said. “Just the two of us.”

“And Dash.”

“Right, the three of us.”

The bell rang. Anna stepped closer and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I’ve got to go now. Bye, Daddy.”

“Bye, sweetheart.”

She kissed my cheek and ran up the steps to the front of the school. When she got to the doors, she looked back and waved.

Then she was gone.

I stood outside for a while longer as crowds of parents and kids shuffled past me. Then I looked at my watch and started walking.

The labor office handed out the day’s jobs first thing in the morning, and once they were gone, they were gone. If I wanted to work, I had to hurry.

The nearest bus stop was two blocks over. I was halfway there when I saw Jimmy Murphy standing on the curb, leaning against a familiar black-and-gold Chevy Tahoe.

For a second, I considered turning around and finding another way, but it was too late. He saw me, and as I got closer, he stepped out and opened his arms, as if welcoming me home.

“Matt Caine.” He smiled, showed teeth. “Just the man I’m looking for.”

“I don’t have time, Jimmy.”

“No problem,” he said. “I’ll walk with you.”

I knew I didn’t have a choice, so I kept quiet.

“You know, Brian thought coming down here would be a waste of time, but I had a hunch you’d be around sooner or later.” He motioned back toward the school. “You can avoid phone calls, but you can’t avoid school days, am I right?”

“What do you want?”

“Just checking in.” He took a wrinkled brown cigarette from behind his ear and lit it as we walked. “How’s life treating you these days? Last time we talked, things weren’t so good.”

“Better now.”

“Good to hear it,” he said. “You paid those bills you were worried about? Kept the house?”

I told him I did.

Jimmy nodded. “I’ve always thought it was important for all of us to stick together. You know we were worried about you.”

“Thanks.”

“Hard times for everyone these days,” he said. “It must be even tougher with a kid to worry about.”

I stopped walking, stared at him.

He raised his hands. “We’re just talking.”

“Then make your point.”

Jimmy put the cigarette to his lips and inhaled deep. “Shit, this isn’t going the way I hoped. I’d like to start over. Can we do that?”

I waited.

“I came down here to pass along a friendly reminder to pay back the loan. You’re coming up on two months, and—”

“I know how long it’s been.”

“—things are starting to pile up.”

I looked at my watch, was standing in the doorways out of started walking again.

Jimmy kept pace. “I thought you should know that Brian is concerned. And since you’re not returning his calls—”

“Tell him it’s coming.”

“He’ll be happy to hear it,” Jimmy said. “I’ll let him know you’ll stop by this week. Sound good to you?”

“It won’t be this week.”

Jimmy hesitated. “I feel like I should remind you that the vig doubles next week. After that, we start getting into some serious—”

“Fuck, Jimmy.” I turned on him fast but he didn’t flinch. “I know what I owe, and I told you it was coming. That’s what you need to tell your brother. If he has a problem with that answer then he can get off his ass and come talk to me himself next time.”

I turned away, but Jimmy grabbed my arm.

His grip was strong.

I looked down at his hand then up at him.

Jimmy let go, and when he spoke next, his voice was even and calm. “I’m glad you’re aware of the situation, Matt. That makes this a lot easier. Some people I have to explain things to.”

“Not me.”

“No, not you,” he said. “But I don’t think you’re seeing the entire picture.”

I started to say something, but Jimmy held up his hand, stopping me.

“When you don’t return Brian’s calls, or when you yell at me out here like this for everyone to see, word gets around.” He pointed to the row of walk-ups lining the street. “Most people around here don’t know our history. They don’t know that Brian will tolerate shit from you that he won’t tolerate from them.”

“Not my problem.”

Jimmy nodded. “You’re right, it’s not your problem. It’s mine, and it’s Brian’s.” He held up one finger. “But if you don’t settle this account soon, it’ll be a problem for all of us. Do you understand what I’m saying? Because I need you to tell me you understand.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I understand.”

Jimmy took another drag off the cigarette then flicked it end over end into the street. “Brian can only do so much. Eventually, the partners are going to start asking questions, and then all of this will be out of his hands.” He paused. “When that happens, I’d hate to be the one to have to come find you.”

There was a tone to Jimmy’s voice I’d never heard before. It wasn’t threatening, and it wasn’t angry, it was something worse, something almost desperate. If I hadn’t known better, I might’ve thought he was begging. Whatever it was, the words sat cold inside me.

“Are we done?” I asked.

Jimmy stared at me, his face even, emotionless. “You never change, Matt, do you?” He leaned in close. “Call him and talk to him. Work something out. He’ll listen.”

I didn’t say anything.

“He can’ty took a deep

I made it to the labor office right as the doors were opening. I got in line and was given a spot on a cleanup crew at a new construction site just outside the city. There were eleven of us, and we spent the day clearing a scatter of cement blocks, gathering broken boards, and tearing down two hundred feet of rusted chain-link fencing. By the time we finished, every muscle in my body ached, and my hands were blistered and bloody.

I made sixty dollars.

We climbed back into the truck, and they dropped us at the labor office just as the sun was slipping below the horizon. I walked home, feeling each step, and thinking about Anna.

Carrie would’ve picked her up from school that afternoon, and by now they’d have finished her lessons and were probably waiting for me. I thought there was a chance I’d make it home in time for dinner, but even if I didn’t, I’d still get to see Anna before she went to bed.

There was never enough time.

After the accident, I wouldn’t leave Anna’s side. She had no memory of what’d happened, and that was a blessing, but some nights it would come to her in dreams and she’d wake up screaming, calling for Beth.

Those were the nights I’d crawl out of bed and stumble down the hall to her room. I’d hold her in my arms and rock her back and forth, and I’d tell her not to be scared, that I was there, that I’d always be there.

It was my promise to her.

If she needed me, all she had to do was call my name and I’d come running, forever and always, no matter what.

Eventually Anna would stop crying and she’d fall asleep. I’d tuck her back into bed then take a blanket and pillow into her room and sleep on the floor by her feet.

I told myself I was doing it for her, that if she woke up again, I didn’t want her to be alone. But there was more to it. With Beth gone, my bed was just too big.