Out of Breath (40 page)

‘Where’d they go?’

Ren pointed, and I rushed off in that direction.

I walked beside Nate, anxiously waiting for him to say something. My phone buzzed while we were walking. I pulled it out of my pocket to find a text from Evan: Where are you?

I looked at Nate. ‘Sorry. Evan’s looking for me.’ I texted him back. After I hit
Send
, I clicked back to my list of messages, and my step faltered when I saw, Emma?

‘Emma, are you okay?’ Nate asked, pulling my attention away before I could open the text.

‘Yeah,’ I whispered, my mouth suddenly dry. ‘What did you need to tell me, Nate?’

‘I shouldn’t say anything, but … but I can’t watch it happen again.’

Nate shifted his gaze above my head, peering up at the darkening sky, calculating his words. I couldn’t calm the pounding in my chest, starting to feel a bit light-headed – I feared my legs might give out.

‘Evan’s a planner. What I mean is, he’s always trying to plan for what’s next, almost like a chess game. Everything he does has a reason behind it. He’s thought it out, sometimes three steps ahead of where it will lead him. Except when it comes to you.’ He paused, glancing at me quickly. I remained still, holding my breath … waiting.

‘You’re like … speed chess. He has no idea what you’re going to do. No matter what he thinks his next move should be, he may have to come up with another one in a hurry. You do the unexpected. You challenge him, and that’s definitely one of the reasons he’s drawn to you.’ Nate took a deep breath, shifting uncomfortably until he finally met my own nervous gaze.

‘He wasn’t good that first year. I’d never seen him like that, and I never want to again. He submitted to being at Yale, and told everyone that he was moving on with his life without you. But when he started the transfer to Stanford, I knew it was because of you. No matter what he tried to convince everyone else, he could never get over you.’

Nate paused in thought before continuing. ‘The reason I’m telling you all of this is because the more time you spend together, the more hopeful he becomes. But, Emma, don’t do this if you aren’t planning to be completely truthful with him. He deserves that much. I don’t know what you haven’t told him yet, but he needs to know. If it’s going to make him never want to see you again, then
that’s the risk you have to take. I’m not going to let you gut him like you did two years ago.’

I met Nate’s determined expression and nodded feebly. ‘I will be honest with him. I promise.’ And I knew exactly what that promise meant. My knees weakened.

‘Thank you,’ he said sincerely. ‘Hey, we should start heading back. The fireworks should be starting soon.’

‘I’ll be there in a minute,’ I rasped, knowing that if I moved I’d collapse. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and stared down as Jonathan’s words lit up on my screen. My heart stopped.

‘There you are,’ I declared as soon as I came around the bend. ‘I was …’ Nate quickly passed me without a glance. Behind him, Emma was staring at her phone.

‘Emma?’ She collapsed to her knees. I was too late.

I
HELD EMMA’S TREMBLING HAND AS I LED HER
back to the house. Nate had picked up his pace, so he was already submerged in the crowd. He knew I was pissed off, but I didn’t want to get into it with him in front of Emma. She was having a hard enough time looking at me.

Her steps faltered as I cut through the crowd and into the house. I shut and locked the bedroom door behind us while Emma continued out to the patio. I found her seated on the end of the teak lounge chair, her gaze fixed on the ground and her arms wrapped around her waist.

‘What did he say to you?’ I asked quietly. ‘Whatever he said –’

Her heartbreaking dark eyes peered up at me, coated with tears.

‘He just wants me to be honest with you. That’s all. He didn’t say anything wrong, Evan. Don’t be mad at him. He was only being your best friend. And he didn’t ask me for anything that you don’t deserve.’

I hugged myself tighter and drew in a quivering breath.
‘I’m scared.’ I swallowed against the lump in my throat. ‘I’m going to lose you, Evan.’

‘Hey,’ he soothed, crouching in front of me. ‘No, you’re not. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.’

‘You can’t promise that. You have no idea …’ My voice trailed off.

‘Then tell me, Em. Please just explain what happened and stop torturing yourself,’ he implored passionately. ‘I’ll understand, whatever it is.’

I raised my eyes to let him in. I wasn’t going to fight it any more.

Her eyes delved into me with an intensity I’d never experienced before. They were steady, full of conviction. ‘I want you to see. All of me. Like you’ve always wanted. But you’re not going to like it. There’s a part of me that’s dark and … angry. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be rid of it.’

She paused, like she was trying to prepare me. But this wasn’t what I’d expected.

‘I’m more like my mother than I ever wanted to admit. I’m just as hateful. Just as self-destructive. And just as broken. She was right when she said I should never have been born.’

‘Emma, don’t say that.’

‘It’s your turn to listen, Evan,’ she said calmly, her voice distant and coated with ice. ‘I hated her. I hated my mother, and I’m glad she’s dead.’ I flinched at her words, but I didn’t say anything. ‘She can rot in hell where she belongs. I don’t give a fuck.’

I stood up and backed away a step, startled by the loathing in her hardened dark eyes.

I didn’t react when he withdrew from me. He wanted to know, so I wasn’t going to hold back. He shook his head, as if denying this was really me.

‘Jonathan understood. He knew what it was like to be tortured by hate until it becomes a part of you. Our pain bonded us – allowed us to be honest with each other. He didn’t judge me when I told him I hated her. He didn’t look at me like you are now. Like I’m detestable. And I am. I know I am. That’s why
you
should hate me, Evan.’ The emotion broke my resolve. ‘You’re supposed to hate me as much as I hate myself.’

The torment cut through, shattering her icy tone and dissolving the hatred in her eyes. I took a step towards her, prepared to console her, to convince her that I didn’t hate her, and never could. It crushed me knowing she was convinced that she was worth all the hate that had ever been unleashed upon her.

‘I almost gave up.’

I froze. ‘What?’

‘That day … of my run.
I almost gave up.’ My heartbeat picked up. ‘I walked out into the ocean, and just kept going. I wanted it to take me. To drown the guilt. I didn’t want to hurt any more. I didn’t want to be hated any more. I didn’t want to keep breathing.’

Her words stole the air from my lungs. ‘Emma.’ She crumpled onto her knees. I caught her, wrapping her in my arms. ‘You don’t get to quit on me. Because if you do, you’ll take me with you. And you can’t do that to us.’

Tears stung my eyes as she collapsed against me. ‘I can’t …’ Her voice broke. ‘I can’t do this any more.’

‘Then I’ll do it for you,’ I rasped, my throat closing. ‘Let me love you. Let me love you enough for the two of us, until you can accept that you’re worth it. Because you are, Emma. I don’t know how to convince you. But I’ll spend the rest of my life trying. You can’t give up on me now. I won’t let you.’

I couldn’t catch my breath. I buried my face in his shirt. He was my reason for existing. It was his words that pulled me to the surface. His breath that saved me. And now, his arms that held me within this life, unable to give up. He was my strength, and the love I didn’t have for myself. And I couldn’t live without him any more than he could let me go.

I pulled my head away from his chest, and he loosened his hold on me. I placed my hand over his damp cheek as he bent towards me, capturing my breath with his. The sudden pressure of his firm lips on mine filled me with an overwhelming surge of affection, rushing through every pore of my body. He kissed me as if his touch could make me whole again. And in that moment, I was convinced that it did.

I let my mouth linger over hers, needing her to feel how much I meant every word I’d said. I couldn’t let her go, not now, not ever. She gasped at the intensity as my lips continued to slide over hers. She curled her fingers into my hair. My heart thrust at the touch of her warm tongue tasting my lips, teasing my tongue.

I couldn’t get enough of her, needing to seep into her skin and feel her heart beat within my chest. There was a pounding within me that convinced me that I had. That we were sharing the same pulse. Her fingers trembled as she faltered with the buttons of my shirt. I slid the straps off her shoulders and peeled the dress from her smooth skin. I let her push the shirt off me, sweeping her hands down my chest. The look in her eyes, full of love and fear, held me captive.

‘I love you, Emma Thomas,’ I whispered. ‘There’ll never be another second of your life that you don’t know it.’

A silent tear trickled out of the corner of her eye and into her hair as she lay against the dark blue cushion. I ran my thumb along her skin, brushing it away.

A sudden explosion overhead startled us, diverting her attention to the fireworks spreading in the sky. I kept my eyes locked on hers, watching the colours reflect in them. She inhaled at the tickle of my gentle touch as I trailed my fingertips across her stomach.

I continued down her bare legs, releasing the strap around her heel, letting her sandals fall to the ground. Her breathing deepened as I kissed every inch of her along my return. I unbuttoned my shorts as I continued to make my way back to her soft lips. Her breath faltered when I unclasped her bra, exposing her to the chill of the air.

She gripped my shoulders as I moved down her body, tasting her skin. Removing the last of our clothes, I pulled back to admire the slopes and curves of her, feeling the emanating heat as I brushed across her inner thigh, her legs shifting slightly with a gasp.

My pulse quickened as I watched her lips part with her eyes closed, consumed by the sensation of my touch. Even in the dim light, I could see the flush spread from her chest up to her cheeks. I bent down to kiss the colour. She turned her head towards me, and I felt the give of her mouth as her breath panted against my lips. She quivered beneath me, with her back arched ever so slightly. Her eyes blinked open heavily, her beautiful full lips puckering.

Not taking my eyes off hers, I positioned myself over her. She wrapped her legs behind my thighs, gently guiding me into her. I tensed at the connection as she surrounded me, and all I could feel was her. I buried my face into her neck, kissing it as her head rocked back in pleasure.

She exhaled, pushing her lips against my shoulder with one hand behind my neck and the other dragging down my back. I tightened my hold on her hip, absorbing every movement, scent and feel of her. I couldn’t remember needing her more than I did at this moment – or her giving more than she was right now.

As the heat escalated and the demand grew stronger, she inhaled sharply and tilted her hips into me. Her legs trembled as she fought to find her breath. Forced to close my eyes, overcome by the waves that crashed through me, I became lost in the breathless surge and pressed my face into her shoulder, inhaling her sweet scent until I couldn’t hold anything back.

I lowered beside her and held her, pressing my lips into hair. When I pulled away to look at her, her eyes shone.

He lay beside me as I nuzzled against him, unable to find my voice. I was overcome with every possible sensation – it was a moment I’d hold on to for the rest of my life.

We remained in our silent embrace, watching the vibrant sparks drizzling down the night sky. I shivered, and Evan eased away just long enough to get a blanket.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked as he held me.

I turned my head towards him and swept my thumb along his bottom lip, and said, ‘Every breath I breathe is because of you.’ His eyes flickered, still peering into mine. ‘Even when you weren’t there to save me, you were my reason to breathe. And for that I will always love you. Always.’

‘Emma?’ Evan called to me from within the dark room. I closed the bedroom door, my heart shattered and my body weak.

He clicked on the bedside lamp. Confusion ran across his face at the sight of me dressed and standing at the end of the bed.

‘What time is it?’ he questioned.

‘It’s early,’ I told him with a wavering breath.

‘Emma, what’s wrong?’ he asked, his face tight with apprehension. ‘What is it?’

‘This is the part where I break your heart,’ I whispered. ‘And you finally get to understand why you should hate me.’

I ran up the stairs, every muscle tense. I banged on the door.

‘Sara!’

A moment later, Jared opened it, rubbing his eyes. Sara sat in the bed behind him, still groggy and half asleep.

‘Evan? What’s the matter?’

I moved past Jared into the room. ‘I need you to call your father. Emma left.’

‘What?!’ She whipped the covers back. ‘What do you mean she left?!’

‘She just told me something –’ I had to pause, my stomach filling with acid at just the thought of it. ‘She confessed to something, and I don’t know what to believe. I need to know if it’s true. And your father is the only one I can think of to tell us.’

‘What are you talking about?’ she demanded, her brows pulled together. ‘Where did Emma go?’

‘To New York,’ I told her. ‘To find Jonathan.’ I took a deep breath and proceeded to recount exactly what Emma had finally confided – the last piece of honesty that sliced a wound so deep, I was bleeding out.

‘Emma, you’re not making any sense.’ I pushed the covers off. ‘What haven’t you told me?’ Then I noticed the phone clutched in her hand. ‘The text.’

‘You knew?’ she asked, her eyes flinching slightly. ‘How? I mean … why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I thought you’d see it when I returned your phone,’ I explained. ‘I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I don’t know what happened between you and Jonathan, and why you need to forgive each other, but …’ I stopped and put my hand over my face. ‘I despise him, Em. I honestly regret that you ever met him.’

She bowed her head with her eyes closed.

‘This is about him, right?’

She nodded.

‘Why did he need to forgive you?’

‘Because I hurt him … just like you. I took his trust and used it against him, knowing I’d break him. And I did.’

‘He’s making a phone call,’ Sara told me, interrupting my pacing. ‘I’m sure there’s something more to this.’

‘So she never told you?’ Sara shook her head. ‘She’s kept this to herself for over two years?’ I clenched my jaw and began pacing again.

‘Evan, let’s just figure out what really happened first, okay?’

‘The night that the guy broke into my house,’ she began, her head still slumped forward, ‘Jonathan did fight him off me. But he beat him so bad, he stopped moving. And when I finally got Jonathan to stop, he didn’t even look human any more. There was blood … everywhere.’
Her voice faltered and her hands trembled. I remained on the bed next to her, trying to keep my breath even.

‘I helped him get rid of the body afterwards, and we lied to the police to cover it up.’

‘He was dead?’ I questioned. She nodded.

‘Jonathan didn’t kill him,’ Sara announced, hanging up the phone over an hour later, exhausted and shaky. ‘He beat the shit out of him, but the dealer was found in that parking lot with a bullet in his head. They ended up matching the gun to another shooting about six months later. I guess there was another douchebag at the bar, and this dealer didn’t exactly have the best reputation. So the douche took it upon himself to shoot him and take off with a trunkful of money and drugs.’

‘She thinks she helped kill him. She thinks she’s an accomplice to his murder.’

‘Is that why he asked you to forgive him, because he killed this guy?’ I asked, every inch of me rigid with anger.

‘No,’ she answered, her voice so low it barely made a sound.

‘He did kill his family,’ Sara told me, and I clenched my teeth in revulsion. ‘He pleaded guilty to lighting the fire that burned his mother, father and brother in their sleep. The trial was expedited, and he just got sentenced three days ago. My dad said that he was abused by his father pretty bad most of his life and suffered psychological damage. His psychiatrist testified on his behalf, and he ended up being sentenced to twenty years for first-degree manslaughter, required to serve ten. He’s at a medium-security prison in New York.’

‘You knew, and you didn’t do anything?!’ My voice grew louder. ‘You were going to let him get away with it?!’

‘I promised. And I know he’d do the same for me.’

After a deafening moment of silence, she stood up from the bed.

‘Where are you going?’

‘I have to find him. I know something bad has happened, and I couldn’t live with myself if I don’t go look for him. I’m sorry, but I have to leave.’