Operation Soulmate (24 page)

     Cassia sighed. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But where had it all started? Nowhere in any of Geraldine’s lifetimes had she seen any proof that she might
ever
have believed that love could be safe, beautiful and eternal. It almost seemed as if Geraldine had never experienced a life in which
any
truly empowering, love-affirming conclusions had been drawn, and there was clearly no end to the story of her disillusionment with love. But surely, there
had
to be a beginning! there was always a beginning, and with enough skill and patience, there was always a way to find it. A way to discover that single, stray twist in the thread: the loose fibre that would allow her to unknot a tangled web of self-defeating thought, without unravelling anyone in the process.

     “Thank you for sharing your story, Desta,” she said, “but I really want you to understand that the only mistake you made in that lifetime was the mistake of not allowing yourself to be happy when you had the chance. Do you understand that?” Desta nodded. “And can you see now that it wasn’t your
love
for Bekele that destroyed you but the
lack
of love you showed to yourself, through your unwillingness accept the thing you desired most...his love? Desta accepted what Cassia was saying, and reluctantly drifted into the light. When Cassia felt the peace, slowly descending, she continued, firmly...

     “Geraldine, I’m going to ask you now to leave that lifetime now, and to find yourself just floating around in space for a while, with all of eternity at your fingertips, like an endless library of infinite records, perhaps records of every lifetime you have
ever
lived and every experience you have
ever
had. Can you do that?” Geraldine nodded and then suddenly gasped loudly. Cassia knew she had arrived swiftly at the Akashic Records. She marvelled for a second at how easy this work was with someone who was so psychic and was fascinated to hear how the records would look through Geraldine's wide open eyes.

    “What can you see?”

     “Wow! It's like rows and rows of books, all lined up in the sky: books of all different colours shades and sizes, glowing as if they’re made of light. Pink and purple and golden light, and rich, deep blue and green and white and orange...and, oh gosh, such beautiful colours, and all carried by angels ...I ... I know this place and I know what it does. I know that if I touch one of these books it will open, and inside there won’t be pages, there’ll be another world, a world I can step into and live in for a while. I used to find myself here all the time when I was little. I just didn’t know what it was. Now I suddenly know....These books are all my stories aren’t they?” She said, almost crying again.

     “Yes, they are," said Cassia.... "I’m so pleased you’ve found them all Geraldine, all of your stories in all of your lifetimes.” Cassia watched carefully, as Geraldine’s face began to light up. So much so, that it almost seemed to emit a strange, golden glow. She allowed her a moment or two to adjust to her new surroundings before continuing. “Now, Geraldine, I want to ask your unconscious mind to find the book that contains the story of where your fear of loving the man who is known as
Ben
in this lifetime first began. Is that okay?” Geraldine suddenly felt more scared than she had done in a very long time. This was it, that inevitable moment across time and space, the magical key. She knew it, viscerally.   

      Cassia could sense her anxiety and see her shoulders rising slightly. “It’s Okay, Geraldine, we can take our time here. There’s no rush; there’s no time here, remember...? Why don’t you just take a few nice, deep breaths ...and listen to my voice as we go deeper and deeper, deeper and deeper, and with the sound of my voice you will feel yourself becoming, perhaps, even more able to go deeper and deeper into a place where you might, just discover that it’s so much easier to just, let go and fall into the awaken-in-dreaming, relaxing your mind, to let go and allow that wiser, older part to wander to the surface and keep wandering and wondering, until it feels ready to speak its simple truth. Wandering into a magical word, perhaps making wishes on a magical-wand-er that mysteriously brings the magical answers, in a flash...that softer place, the wiser, older part, the all-seeing part. Perhaps you might imagine it’s a higher aspect of yourself, the one with the bird’s-eye view, she gets it...because she knows how to receive.... She who understands that only love is real. The one who holds the mysteries, who carries all the secrets, and is willing to share them with you, but actually finds the whole thing just a tiny bit amusing... The mysteries of all the unreal things that sometimes get between Geraldine and love...And as I count down from five to one, deeper and deeper, all the way down, yes, that’s right, aaaaaall the way down ...to
the one
... With each number, you will find yourself going deeper and deeper, into that place of surrender. Geraldine could feel herself letting go, slowly, inch by inch, with each number, further and further down, until she finally let go completely, simply because she just couldn’t be bothered to fight anymore, or to even attempt to make sense of anything Cassia was saying!

     “Can you hear me, Geraldine?” Geraldine nodded lethargically, just once, as Cassia’s voice drifted in through time and space. “Good, now I just want you to allow that story, just,
the one
, to gently emerge from the deepest part of your mind, the hidden part...”

She waited a while and watched as Geraldine’s face softened completely and leaned forward slightly as she spoke.

     “Ahhhhhhh, It’s him...the man in my dream, my beautiful, dream man.”

     “Just let go a little bit more, Geraldine. Allow the pictures in...” Geraldine felt herself falling into a new story, as if she was falling down a mineshaft backwards with her eyes closed, yet somehow trusting the process completely. It felt so good and so right, to be pulled backwards through the sky, with angels surrounding her, guiding her. She was just beginning to wonder how on earth it could feel so safe to be falling backwards through a wormhole at warp speed, when Cassia's voice returned to reclaim her from her musings.

     “What are you wearing,” Cassia asked, somehow sensing the importance of the clothing.

Geraldine straightened her back again, as if to accommodate some new dress-style, status or decoration.

     “I am wearing ceremonial robes and a headdress made of amethyst crystals, to help me find my way back to the world of the spirits. Tonight is the ceremony of the great Goddess, Mother of all the earth. We must light her flame in the temple and give thanks for all beautiful things. I must sing the song of the Goddess to bring her loving presence onto the earth, so that all will continue to live in peace, joy, harmony and love. Then we shall meet, all of the priests and priestesses, and throw rose petals upon the ocean. It is the only time we ever get to see the priests. It only happens at the fullness of every moon. Tonight I shall see my love.”

     “Can you tell me your name?” Said Cassia..

     “My name is P’tah...it means
opener
. I open the secrets of Heaven, for the eyes and ears of man. I see the spirits of those who have lived before, and speak with those who will never be born. I am one of them. I am one with the Angels. I am their child...their beloved messenger on Earth. They whisper to me, so that I can help those who do not see, to remember Heaven and to live happy and beautiful lives. My beloved is called Ammon...it means
he who is hidden
. He must always remain hidden, just like the deeper secrets of Heaven, or he will lose his powers. He can read the hearts of men as easily as others would read from a library crystal, but only when the moon is full can he leave the Temple ...to celebrate the Goddess and her bountiful gifts. We are both, a gift from the Angelic ones, to those upon the earth. We walk across all worlds, the seen and the unseen, but we belong to none...only to each other. Yet, we cannot consummate our love otherwise, we will both loose our gifts and become like mortals. This is our first time among them. We do not fully understand their ways...their desires...their density. Sometimes, we are lost without each other’s wise and soothing words to help us navigate our way through the strangeness. But he is a priest and I, a priestess. Therefore, we can only ever love each other from afar. But we feel our connection and know that we are bound together in the starry heavens. And every time there is a celebration at the fullness of the moon, I gaze upon his face and he upon mine as we throw rose petals upon the ocean for the Goddess... and for us, it must be enough.”

     “That seems very sad, P’tah. How long have you carried this love inside you?”

     “For twenty-five moons, and each one is commemorated; carved in stone in the shape of a heart, for my beloved.”

     “That’s beautiful, P’tah,” said Cassia, noticing that since the very beginning, Geraldine had been without love. It seemed to be all she knew. P’tah smiled beatifically. “Can you go forward now, P’tah, to an event in your life that will help Geraldine to understand something she needs to learn? P’tah nodded and began smiling happily.

      “It is beautiful,” she said, “My love comes to me now. We have learnt over many moons, how to send our thoughts to each other, carried out across this beautiful land by sea and air and the ancient mysteries of creation. And for many more moons, we have lain awake each night, sending loving words and symbols, signs and wonders to each other, planning and dreaming and sharing I love yous, like others do, like lovers do. We’ve learned how to meet in our dreams and remember, when we awaken, how we have loved and where we have been. I sing my song each morning with the feel of his kiss still burning in my heart, a kiss I have never known in the flesh.

      But it is no longer enough, and now we have decided to surrender our powers so that we can meet and be joined together in the physical way, and be loving and beloved, upon the Earth, the way that others are joined.” Geraldine gasped as the beautiful man from her dream stepped out from the shadows. “I know it, now.” She said, “I know him. He is my true intended since the dawn of creation, the one who is worth risking everything for. But we come into this physical existence, time after time, only to serve the Angels, so that they can reach mankind and so that Goddess/God can find their hearts again. But now we plan to disregard them all with our longing for each other. I know it is wrong; it is not why we came here, but I cannot stop it. I love him so. Oh his touch, his fragrance. How will they be? For fifty moons now, I have longed for him, and tonight, I will know him completely, as skin upon my skin, flesh upon my flesh, heart beating wildly upon my beating heart, and hand within my hand. We will be together at last, and then we shall leave this place forever and live as betrothed ones.” Cassia wanted to cry, but she had to remain detached.

    “P’tah, can you tell me if Geraldine would recognise Ammon? Is he someone Geraldine knows in
this
lifetime?” P’tah struggled to look into the eyes of the man she loved. She seemed to be fighting with some
other
aspect of Geraldine who was still slightly resistant to the truth.

     “No,” she said stubbornly, “I cannot see that.”

     “Try,” said Cassia, “For Geraldine...”

     “I cannot see him clearly now...”

      “And if you could ...see him clearly, P’tah....what
might
you see?” P’tah seemed confused and annoyed by the question. There was a long, heavy silence, and then a deep sigh, as Geraldine ran through stacked up lifetimes at lightening speed, searching for something else...something new... but finding the same, sad truth echoed within each one. Finally, when she was, once again, simply too tired to fight, and had run out of other places to be, her heart brought her gently back to herself and her lips began to tremble ominously as she whispered, softly...

     “It’s Ben.”

     “Thank you, P’tah,” said Cassia, then suddenly found herself leaning even further forward, as Geraldine’s expression quickly changed to one of extreme anguish.

     “Everything is ruined.” said P’tah, sobbing helplessly. “We are discovered, and now we cannot get away. Ammon was seen, crossing the Temple path on his way to me, and someone told the High Priest ...and had him followed. Now we will lose our powers and lose each other, and also be punished horribly."

P’tah was beside herself with grief. Cassia had never seen Geraldine so distraught, but she knew this was important so she allowed the story to continue to unfold...

    “I know it was a mistake to love him but I had no choice, I was driven by that insane kind of love that makes two mortals mad for each other, we both were. I must never let myself feel that love again. I will return to Earth lifetime after lifetime and devote myself to paying penance to the Angels for what I have done. This punishment, this stupid, transitory death means nothing to me. What I have lost is far greater.”

   “P’tah, is there anything you can tell Geraldine that might make her feel better about the horrible price she is still paying, in this lifetime, for something that happened so very long ago that it
surely
doesn’t matter anymore.” There was a long silence, in which P’tah scoured the universe in search of answers and penance and further judgement, but only found golden lights, friendly faces, angels, colourful books and limitless, beautiful possibilities. She smiled idiotically, as she slowly began to see the absurd nature of her own self-imposed sentence. And suddenly, none of it made any sense anymore! All this suffering, and what for!!? She could see now that she had somehow blown things hugely out of proportion! All those who lived on Earth had once been Angels. Angels who had made that same, blameless choice, of finding out how all the things they felt in consciousness, might feel in another dimension... the dimension of tangibility and flesh. In the end, The Angels would welcome them all home with a smile. So what purpose did it really serve, all the regret and self-torture. What purpose could it
possibly
serve Geraldine, in this lifetime, light-years away and several aeons later? Life was an opportunity, a sacred gift of joyful
self-discovery.
Not a consolation prize or a punishment. Life was a God-given gift, and God didn't play dice. There were no accidents, only opportunities. She could see it all so clearly now.

     Cassia waited patiently, breathing in time with Geraldine and P’tah, through the tempests of several other stormy possibilities and timelines, holding space for all the stories, the calm at the eye of the storm, until eventually, P’tah spoke. “Tell her... tell Geraldine.. that I set her free...” she said, with fresh tears now streaming down her face, as Geraldine’s exhausted body relaxed and released a litany of ancient woes.

      Some time passed, as Cassia waited for the crying to abate, but these were no longer tears of self-pity. They were righteous tears, tears of healing, renewal, joy, release and redemption. Cassia could almost hear the door to Geraldine’s self-imposed prison cell creaking open as she took several deep breaths and eventually allowed herself to step out into the light of a bright, new wide open day, full of loving possibility.

      When Geraldine left Cassia’s office for the last time, it wasn’t so much with a spring in her step as with a bold determination to get home to that big, empty flat as soon as possible and to confirm what she already knew in her heart. She closed the door behind her and rushed into her room, wiping away a stray tear before reaching for the carved wooden box, which lovingly held the infamous twin flame check list. She read through the list carefully, ticking off each of the criteria, this time with her beautiful and eternal connection with Ben at the forefront of her mind.

Twin Flame Checklist

• Sense of familiarity as if you’ve always known each other
  
• Similar tastes in aesthetics, clothes, people and food.
  
• You have similar beliefs and share an interest in similar causes. You are here on the same Divine mission and work for the benefit of humanity in similar and complementary ways. 
  
• Telepathy and deep empathy: feeling as if you each, always know what the other person is thinking and how they’re feeling.
  
• You may have difficulties to overcome, for example, you might be from different backgrounds or belong to difference races and have your love tested through having to prove how willing you are to overcome barriers in order to be together. Or there might be deep, emotional issues to work through from a long karmic history you both share, from several lifetimes together.
  
• You have a natural affinity and might even look alike. Even if you
  are
  from different backgrounds and look very different, there will be a clear similarity in your expressions, smiles, ways of speaking, levels of intelligence and discernment i.e. how you show up in the world, almost as if you’re both from the same planet.
  
• You seem to have been brought together by coincidences, hunches or, even, Divine intervention. Your meeting seems fated and inevitable and the universe seems to have endlessly conspired to bring you together.
  
• You may, each, have a feeling that you would do almost anything to see the other person happy, even if it meant losing them to someone else
  
• When you argue, you always know that you have both grown and evolved as a result
  
• You are best friends and the most passionate lovers all rolled into one
  
• You know that you could easily spend the rest of your lives loving each other
  
• Whatever temptations, threats and doubts might come your way, even through disagreements and fall-outs, the strength of your eternal connection lets you both know that, in the end, when all is said and done, there is simply no one else you could possibly belong with. When you’re with them, it’s like coming home.             
  

Geraldine sighed at the heavy irony of the last line. It might as well have been written just for her. She’d always loved coming home before, but it had never occurred to her that this was simply because it was
Ben
she’d been coming home to. Ben
was
home, and now a home without Ben in it was just a stupidly large flat, and a place to sleep and cry.

     It was her own fault, of course; she’d completely taken him for granted. How could she have been so blind to her own feelings? How could she not have seen what was so blatantly obvious?!!! As she compared everything that had happened between them in the last few weeks with every story in all the loveless lives she’d explored during her sessions with Cassia, she understood why it all felt so horribly familiar. And once again, it was too late. Once again, she and Ben had missed the proverbial boat and love had found a way of slipping away. She could easily imagine now that probably, somewhere in those shimmering books in the Akashic records, lay evidence of aeons and aeons of deeply significant bus, boat, train, coach, horse and tram-missing incidents between her and Ben. There had probably been several centuries spent cuckolding various innocent husbands and wives, to spend an unwise hour or two with Ben. And probably, in some cases, entire lifetimes spent avoiding her inevitable fate of being properly reunited with Mr. Wright: always a reason to feel guilty, always a reason for self-denial, always a reason to keep running from their inexorable date with destiny. Even his name was screaming out clues. If it wasn’t so sad, it would almost be funny.