Operation Soulmate (14 page)

      Some part of her, perhaps the greater part, knew this with a certainty that was metaphysical and, yet, another part, perhaps the smaller part, held on to the image of him she had come to accept over the years. The two parts just didn’t marry up, but even the confusion itself was wildly inebriating. This was Ben: gorgeous, sweet, lovely Ben, kissing her, loving her in just the way she’d dreamed of being loved, for a lifetime. It just didn’t make sense; it felt too perfectly right to make any sense at all. Too natural, too familiar and yet, earth-shatteringly moving, intense, ardent and beautiful.

     Something happens when someone who loves you that much kisses you in a way that lets you know it. It isn’t something you can rationalise or brush away with a casual disregard. It has to be tasted, seen, heard and played out like the most precious song ever composed, and it must be sung with gusto. Geraldine threw herself into the moment with full reverence for the music soaring in her heart. And, as Ben led her lovingly towards the secret mystery of his bed, she walked slowly and deliberately, marking her steps, as if each one was a new decision, a decision to surrender completely to the insane perfection of the moment. It was possibly the most wonderful night of her life. She had no idea what it meant, but in those gloriously hazy and enchanted moments when she found herself lost in his arms, eyes, lips and hands, there was no need to question it.

      Ben suddenly knew why he’d had so much trouble with those other first kisses; he hadn’t wanted them. The only kiss he had been longing for was the one he’d probably feared the most. But when the chips were down, there’d been no first-date jitters, no failing confidence, no doubts or fears whatsoever. Those things just hadn’t even come into the equation. Suddenly, in that moment, when he had finally found himself face to face with the woman whose rejection should have terrified him the most, a deeper truth had suddenly intervened, and he had simply felt her heart and felt the moment. And
that
first kiss had somehow, miraculously been the most natural and effortless thing in the world. He hadn’t lost his confidence at all, and neither was he a hypocrite. All he ever taught people was how to love courageously and honestly. And when it came to kissing, he himself would have been the first to state the most obvious rule of all...only kiss someone you really,
really
want to kiss...

The next morning, when Geraldine opened her eyes, something felt very strange. She felt strangely happy, delirious in fact, but couldn’t, quite... remember why.... She looked around her. There was something very strange about her room this morning. What
was
it? Might it be the fact that it was BEN’S ROOM!! She sat bolt upright.
What
was she doing in
Ben’s
room!!? She looked down at the place next to her. And why was Ben stroking her naked arm, or more to the point, why was a
naked
Ben stroking her naked arm. “Oh God, Ben,!” was all she could think of to say. Ben smiled ecstatically. Geraldine looked furious. “Oh God,” she said pulling the duvet up around her. “This is a disaster!” How could this have happened to her, just when things were going so well with Toby??!! Ben was crushed.
What,
had she said... a
disaster???
The most exciting and meaningful night of his life: a
disaster
? Before he could even fully register his personal indignation she was up and out of his bed like someone escaping an angry swarm of bees. She stomped angrily towards the kitchen, then thought better of hanging around there naked and stomped off towards her room instead, where she hastily threw on some pyjamas and began pacing. Ben arrived at her door a few minutes later and just stood there looking irritatingly gorgeous, stupidly unguarded and confused, in white boxer shorts.

     “Gerry, am I
missing
something here?”

      “Ben, I’m assuming we slept together last night, no, I’m assuming we had sex together last night, and if that’s the case, then this is a complete and utter disaster!!”

      “Yep, I thought that was what you said, I just couldn’t quite believe you meant it; I thought you were just trying to sweet-talk me so you could have your wicked way with me again.”

      “Ben, this is no time for jokes! Can’t you see what this means. OH God. How drunk was I last night?”

      “Well as I recall, not very!!” he said, assembling his last shred of dignity. There was no way she could blame this on two glasses of champagne. “Gerry, come on, stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to both of us. In fact, let’s both stop this now. Tell me last night meant nothing to you and I’ll leave you alone in peace. Just try to look at me when you say it.” Geraldine looked up at him with stone-cold eyes that sent a chill through his heart and soul and said firmly and resolutely,

      “Last night, could have been the
biggest
mistake of my entire life. How on
earth
am I going to face Toby!!!” The last few words were a barely comprehensible shriek as her tone, gradually, elevated itself to a place that was almost outside of hearing range. Ben sighed.

      “Gerry, how can you
say
that? You have no idea what you really want, do you? Were you even
there
last night?” He stared at her incredulously, trying to reconcile the woman standing in front of him with the one who’d shared the previous night with him. But that woman was definitely nowhere to be seen. He shook his head dejectedly,     

      “Wow, this goes much deeper than I thought with you, this fear thing... these commitment issues.” Geraldine was furious again. How
dare
he tell her she had commitment issues!!? And how dare he misuse his position as a trusted friend and coach to manipulate her into bed!! It was one thing trying to run every aspect of her love-life, from the moment she woke up, till the moment she went to sleep, but that wasn’t enough for him. Oh, no!! Now he wanted her all through the night as well!

      “By the way, what
was
that last night, a coaching bonus?!!!!”

      “Oh, God, Geraldine, YOU were coaching ME remember?”

      “Oh yes, I do remember now, I was going to help poor, poor Ben, who didn’t know how to kiss a real-life lady. Well you soon picked that up didn’t you?” she said adjusting her pyjamas. “You didn’t seem to have any trouble with
that
last night.”

      “Oh, no you don't! Don’t play the innocent with me. You
knew
what
you
were doing. You set the whole thing up!! It was a text book seduction, and I walked straight into it. I might not have been completely honest with you, or even with myself, about what was going on last night but at least
I
know what I’m feeling
now
!! At least
I
know what’s going on in my own mind ...most of the time.”  

     “Oh, really!!? Well at least I still know my own heart! At least I still know how to love!!! I mean, what exactly do you call this thing you do with all this plotting and scheming and all these stupid manipulations? Trying to control everything that happens to you every minute of every day, and telling everyone else how to manipulate
other
people so they’ll go out with them. That’s not love!!! At least I still know how to really open my heart to someone and just trust that whatever happens will be absolutely fine and Divinely perfect.” Ben almost laughed. She really couldn’t see the irony in what she’d just said. “Not like you Ben with all your... tips and tricks. All this plotting and planning and scheming isn’t love! You can’t
plan
love, Ben. Love just comes and grabs you when you least expect it and takes you somewhere so far away from all this
over-thinking
that you do all the time... and that
you
call
love.”

       “Like last night,” he interjected.

       “No, Ben,
not
like last night.” She said, almost in tears now. “Last night was about
thinking
about how to make love happen, remember? We were plotting and scheming and thinking about how you could get to kiss a girl. Remember!!?? Love can't be planned like that! Love is the only thing left that’s pure in us. It’s the only thing we have left that’s both beautifully human and completely Divine, and being able to surrender to it’s magic, fully and completely, is all that separates us from ....machines. If we lose our ability to love, Ben, we’ve lost all hope of any true connection with anything that’s good and honest...and unplanned and ...I’m sorry...but, holy.”

        Holy!? Owww!!!” Ben buried his face in his hands. The sermon was now complete: barefaced hypocrisy, mentions of holiness and purity, a good dollop of catholic guilt, washed down with a smidgen of protestant chastisement, conveniently packaged to elicit the greatest feeling of joyless self-admonishment from the listener. Geraldine had truly missed her calling!

      “Yes, Holy!!! You don’t know
anything
about love. You don’t even
trust
love...”

       Ben tried not to be angry, as he listened to Geraldine trying to waffle her way out of acknowledging the most beautiful union he had ever experienced with another human being. He knew she’d felt it as well. But she carried on regardless, making her comments as pointed and as hurtful as she possibly could. Everything she had described as Divine and holy, sounded, to him, exactly like everything they’d experienced the night before, but in her mind, that kind of love was still elusive and strange and somewhere else ‘out there’.

      “Make your plans Ben. Write your little schemes and programmes and five-step tip sheets but don’t call them love because they’re
not
love. Leave love to the lovers. Those of us who are still courageous enough to just let love happen.”

       He shook his head and stared at her, shell-shocked by her completely irrational response and her spectacularly unenlightened argument. He was, once again, amazed at Geraldine’s capacity for self-delusion. But it was what she’d said about
thinking
that really struck home. For him, there had been no thinking involved last night... none whatsoever!!! For the first time in a very long time, perhaps for the first time in his life, he
had
been courageous enough to just
let love happen
. In fact, if he’d had the good sense to
do
some thinking when she’d stood there all tipsy and tempting and aromatherapy-scented, they wouldn’t be in his horrible mess now. And this “horrible mess” was
only
a horrible mess because she told him it was a horrible mess, and it was only a horrible mess somewhere in her addled mind because of all the over-thinking
she
was doing!

      “But Gerry, don’t you see.” He said, trying to stay calm. “You’re doing exactly the same thing. You’ve got this fixed idea in your head about this Toby, that he’s this amazing guy.... Why?!!! Because he didn’t call you for ages and then....wow...he called you. You don’t even know the guy!!! But you’ve decided, for some reason... that he’s the one.  Maybe you think he’s this twin flame, thing. So basically, you’ve
decided
that the person you’re searching for couldn’t possibly be me, and nothing that happened last night is allowed to get in the way of this... this
dream.
.. What’s wrong with giving a
real
person a chance Gerry? What’s wrong with
letting love happen
with someone who’s here, now, someone who’s
always
here. Last night, I saw you happy, I mean genuinely happy, for the first time, ever, in all the time I’ve known you, and I know you saw the same in me.
Why
won’t you allow yourself to see the simple truth of last night for what it really was?”

     Geraldine was miles away. She hardly seemed to be listening, and Ben could actually see her not only trying to erase last night from her memory but also quickly removing everything he was saying now, before he’d even had a chance to say it. Later on, he would have a great deal of trouble understanding what happened next but he was certain it would haunt him for some time to come. Without any warning at all Geraldine suddenly stopped seething and ranting, walked slowly and robotically towards her bedroom window and stood staring out into the garden. And for a moment or two, it was almost as if he could feel her removing herself from the room, detaching herself from him, emotionally, perhaps energetically, psychically. Whatever it was, it sent another chill through him. It felt so brutal, so final. She turned towards him, took a few deep breaths and whispered, slowly and deliberately,

     “Ben, I want you to help me. You have to help me to figure out how I’m going to sort this out in my head and work things out with Toby.” Ben sighed and shook his head, sorrowfully.

     “Gerry, I can’t help you with Toby.  I can’t do this anymore.” He turned to leave.

     “Ben, please don’t go. I feel so strange.” Geraldine looked pitiful as she stood there by the window, her lips trembling and her face a crumpled mass of confusion. It was hard to believe she’d been coaching
him
the night before. Ben relented slightly, reluctantly turning back, wandering into the room in a trance, and carefully taking her into his arms, ignoring the small person standing in the room with him and remembering the woman she really was. Whatever she thought was going on, it was now clearer than ever that there was a much deeper story a play, and with his last shred of professionalism and humanity, he knew owed it to her to somehow summoned up the strength to remain in the room.

     “Oh, Ben, I don’t want to lose him... Please, don’t let me lose him, Ben...Please.”

       He held her away for a second or two and looked deep into her eyes, with all the compassion he could muster. “Do you really expect me to believe
anything
you say now, about
anything,
when you don’t even know your own mind...or your own heart, Gerry?”

Ben sighed deeply and gently stroked her hair, as she rested her head on his chest and allowed herself to melt into him again. He was so tired now, tired of all the lies and denial, tired of having to get over her...again...and again. If she seriously expected him to just carry on as normal, as if nothing had happened between them, maybe even continue coaching her into some other guys' arms, he really didn’t know at this point
what
he was going to do. Surely, if ever there was a time to walk away, it was now....